by Wilder, L.
I shouldn’t have sent you away.
I’ve said that. Over and Over.
I don’t know how many times you need me to say it.
There were tons of these short, berating messages, and when I got tired of trying to sort through them, I opened my email. There were over forty messages waiting to be read, but one instantly caught my eye. It was labeled Lonestar, the title of one of my favorite songs by Norah Jones, and he’d just sent it a couple of days ago. I quickly opened it and began to cry as I saw what was written inside.
Cass,
I was sitting here, listening to one of the songs you used to sing. I’ve always liked them, especially when you were singing them. But tonight, this one got to me. It reminded me of you. Every time I close my eyes, I see your face that day in the hospital. I watch the spark in your eyes disappear over and over again in my mind. Knowing that I was the one who stole that light from you has haunted me since the day you walked out that door. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to bring that light back, and I will never stop fighting for the chance to make things right. It’s made me realize something… Cass, you are my Lonestar.
Always,
Cotton
By the time I’d finished reading the letter, I was crying uncontrollably. Cotton had let his guard down, and for the first time, I saw a vulnerable side to him… a side I wanted to treasure and hold close to my heart. I read through several of the emails, finally learning about his rehab facility and all the work he’d been doing so he could walk on his own again. I couldn’t help but laugh when he went on and on about some lady he called his own personal drill sergeant. Some of the letters were more like journal entries, just short messages telling me about his day, while others were some of the most endearing letters I’d ever read. Once I’d gone through all of the emails, I went back to my text messages. I quickly skimmed over the first six or seven messages, until his words stopped being so demanding and intense. As I’d hoped, they eventually turned into something completely different. I needed to know he was capable of that kind of honesty. Reading his words changed things. My heart was softening after all the hurt and humiliation of being sent away. Until the letters, Cotton had shown no understanding of my feelings. Now, maybe there was a chance. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face as I read the words written in all the different messages. I was so torn. I loved him so, but I wasn’t sure I could ever really trust him with my heart again.
Sunday, (a week ago)
Cotton:
I’d rather be in hell than in this place.
I know I shouldn’t complain. I’m doing better.
The walker is gone and replaced with a cane.
It’s progress, but it’s not enough. I want to be home.
Cass, I’m sorry. I miss you more with each breath I take.
Friday, (less than a week ago)
Cotton:
Remember the day you told me about your grandmother’s house, and how it was your favorite place? I wish I were sitting on that swing with you right now, looking out at the ocean.
I wish I were anywhere with you.
Sunday, (this week)
Cotton:
I miss your face, your smile, and the way your eyes light up when you get your way. I miss the sound of your voice when you sing. I miss holding you in my arms, kissing you, making love to you.
You’ll always be mine, Cass.
I’m not giving up on you.
I’d read through so many messages, each one tugging at my heart, but one… one short text message took my breath away.
(Two hours ago)
Cotton:
I’m coming home.
I was still trying to wrap my head around everything I’d just read when someone knocked on my door. I wiped the tears from my face, grudgingly threw the covers back, and got up to answer the door. When I opened it, Clutch was standing there with a big smile on his face, holding a bag of groceries. He was wearing an old baseball cap and a pair of faded jeans with his favorite Braves t-shirt. As he stepped inside, I noticed he hadn’t shaved in several days, making me wonder if he’d decided to grow a beard, but before I could say anything about it, he asked, “Hey, beautiful. You okay?”
“I’m fine. It’s just my allergies acting up,” I lied as I tried to rub the remaining tears from my eyes. I could’ve told Clutch about the letters, but they were written for me, just me, and I didn’t want to share them with anyone.
He gave me an apprehensive look, but didn’t question me about it. As he walked into the kitchen, he asked, “You hungry?”
“Yeah, I could eat something. Whatcha got?”
He started unloading all the groceries on the counter and said, “Thought I’d make us a pot of chili.”
“With one of your grilled cheese sandwiches?” I asked excitedly. His grilled cheese sandwiches were legendary.
“Of course,” he smiled. “I know how you like them.”
I looked over to him and said, “You know, you don’t have to babysit me, Clutch. I’m fine. Besides, I’m sure all your little girlfriends are wondering where you’ve been lately.”
“Nah… they know I’m worth the wait, darlin’,” he snickered.
“Whatever,” I teased. “You are so full of it.”
“Maybe so, but I haven’t heard any complaints,” he laughed as he put the burger meat in the skillet. In no time, he had everything simmering on the stove. We made our plates and brought them into the living room to eat. Once I was settled on the sofa, I looked over to Clutch, seeing he’d already kicked back the recliner and made himself comfortable.
I tossed the remote over to him and said, “Find something.”
“You’re giving me free reign with the remote?” he teased. “I feel special.”
“Don’t get used to it,” I warned. “It’s just my way of thanking you for dinner.”
He smiled as he started going through all the different channels, and I wasn’t surprised when he stopped at the movie, Silver Linings Playbook. I knew he didn’t care for watching that movie, but he remembered it was one of my favorites. He was always thoughtful of things like that. It was one of the things I liked most about him, that and his goofy personality. He always knew how to make me smile. We ate our dinner, only talking between commercials as we watched Bradley Cooper do his best to keep up with Jennifer Lawrence. It was the perfect distraction. My stomach was full, the movie was just as awesome as I remembered, and having Clutch around was just what I needed to keep my mind off Cotton. He only made it halfway through the movie before he was sound asleep in the recliner. His muffled snore sounded like an old, dying hound dog, but I didn’t mind. Despite my earlier disposition, I actually enjoyed having his company.
When the movie was over, I was tempted to grab my phone and read through all of Cotton’s emails again, but figured it would just make me miss him even more. I decided to wait up for Henley, so I reached for the remote and started looking for something to watch until she got home. I’d been scrolling through the channels for several minutes when I got an eerie feeling something or someone else was in the room with me. Thinking it might be a mouse, I muted the TV and tried to see if I heard anything moving around in the apartment. I didn’t hear anything, but still felt a gnawing sensation I wasn’t alone. I sat up straight on the sofa and looked around the apartment, searching all the dark corners of the room, but I didn’t see anything. I was just about to give up my search and lie back down in my spot when something in the window caught my eye. I turned back to get a better look at the fire escape, and a rush of adrenaline surged through me when I realized there was a man standing there, looking at me through the glass. It was dark, but I could still see his eyes were glaring directly at me. There was something about the way he was looking at me that gave me the feeling I’d seen him somewhere before, but the pure terror I was feeling made it impossible to recall the memory. And crazy enough, he knew I’d spotted him, but he just stood there, rooted to his spot as he stared back at me.
His eyes were hollow and cold, making me feel a fear I’d never felt before. I wanted to run, to shout out for him to leave, but I couldn’t do anything except stare right back at him.
After several seconds, I finally forced myself off the sofa and immediately started backing away from the window as I yelled, “Clutch! Wake the hell up!”
The figure didn’t move, but my scream quickly got Clutch’s attention. He shot to his feet and barked, “What is it? What’s wrong?”
I pointed toward the window and shrieked, “Someone’s out there!” I’d only looked away for a second, but the man was already gone.
“Call Guardrail,” Clutch ordered as he raced over to the window, quickly releasing the lock before he raised it. Before he stepped out on the ledge, he drew his gun and said, “Lock this behind me and stay put till they get here. I mean it, Cass. Don’t open that door unless it’s one of the brothers!”
I nodded and watched as Clutch disappeared into the darkness. I heard his boots stomp up the metal steps as he went after the stranger. When I couldn’t hear him any longer, I called Guardrail’s number, and by the time he answered, I was a complete and total wreck. My voice crackled with nerves as I said, “Someone’s here, Guardrail. A man is outside on my fire escape, and Clutch just went after him!”
“Stay where you are. We are on our way. Lock your doors and windows. Don’t let anyone in until we get there,” he ordered.
“Okay,” I answered, but the line was already dead. Seconds later, my phone started ringing. When I looked down, Smokey’s name was flashing on the screen. I quickly answered, “Hello?”
With his voice sounding a little panicked, he asked, “Hey, doll. You okay?”
“Yeah, Smokey. I’m fine… but Clutch just went after this guy and …,” I started.
“Don’t you go worrying about Clutch. He’ll be alright. You just try to relax…. I’m close. I’ll be there in two minutes. Just hold tight until I get there.”
I tried to hold back my tears as I asked, “Smokey?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you stay on the phone with me until you get here?” I pleaded. I knew it was silly, but just hearing his voice was settling my nerves.
“Yeah, I can do that,” he answered. I was just about to go sit on the sofa when I heard two gunshots fired off in the apartment above me. Seconds later, there was a loud thud that echoed against the ceiling.
“Shit,” I screeched. My heart started pounding wildly against my chest as I said, “Smokey… gunshots. Two of them in the apartment above me.”
“Did you lock all the windows and doors?” he asked.
I stared at the window, too scared to move from the spot where I was standing, and said, “No.”
“Cass, I know you’re scared, but you gotta go lock that window, doll,” he ordered.
Knowing he was right, I forced myself to move forward, and despite my trembling hands, I managed to secure the lock. Once it was done, I told him, “Okay. I did it.”
“That a girl. You did good, Cass. I’m about to pull in. You doing okay?”
“No, Smokey. I’m not. I hate myself for it, but I’m freaking out. I’m worried about Clutch. What if someone shot him?” I cried.
“Don’t. Clutch will be fine,” he assured me.
My heart started to race when I heard the sound of footsteps walking across the floor above me. My heart was racing as I said, “I’m scared, Smokey. What do you think is going on upstairs?”
I heard his keys jingle as he turned off his truck. He closed his door before he said, “I have no fucking idea, but we’re about to find out. The boys will be here any minute. I’m on my way up. Stay on the phone, and I’ll tell you when I get there.”
“Okay,” I answered. A few moments later, I heard someone pounding on my door. “Smokey, is that you?”
“It’s me. Open up.” I quickly released the deadbolt and opened the door. The second I saw him, I rushed over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.
I was still holding on to him when I heard a commotion upstairs. I immediately released my hold on him and said, “You’ve got to go see about him. Please.”
From the look on his face, it was clear he was struggling with what he should do. “I’m not leaving you alone.”
There was more ruckus above us, making me plead with him even more. “Smokey, if he’s in trouble…”
He finally agreed and said, “You don’t leave this apartment. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Okay,” I promised.
He reached in his back pocket for his second handgun and gave it to me. “Just in case.”
I nodded, and as soon as he walked out of the apartment, I shut the door and locked it behind him. Feeling a nervous wreck, I paced back and forth in the kitchen, trying my best to hear what was going on in the apartment above me. It felt like an eternity, but it’d only been a few minutes when I heard a knock at my door. “It’s me, Cass.”
I rushed over to unlock the door, and when I opened it, I found Clutch standing there. When I noticed his blood-soaked shirt, I almost lost it.
“Don’t look at me like that, Cass. I’m fine,” he assured me.
“There’s so much blood,” I cried.
“It’s not mine. Go grab your stuff. We’re going to the clubhouse,” he ordered. His tone was forceful, which only made me worry more. It wasn’t like him to be so short with me.
“I’m scared, Clutch. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Everything is going to be fine, but we need to get going... now, Cass. Grab your stuff, and I’ll send one of the prospects to get Henley’s stuff later.”
“Henley… she’s babysitting Dusty. I need to tell her not to come back here.”
“I know, Cass. It’s already been taken care of. Now, put a move on it. We’ve got to get the hell out of here.”
“Okay,” I answered as I rushed to my room and threw a few things in a duffel bag. My mind was in a complete blur as I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. I had so many questions swirling around in my head, but I knew better than to ask. I knew something had happened with the guy from my window—that much was obvious from the blood on Clutch’s shirt, but I had no idea what. I desperately wanted Cotton. No matter what was going on, he’d always managed to make me feel safe, but since he wasn’t around, I had to figure it out without him. I had to. Falling apart in the middle of all the chaos wouldn’t help anyone.
As soon as we got back to the clubhouse, Clutch said, “I’ll get you to your room.”
He took my hand and started leading me down the hall. We were almost to my room when I asked, “But what about you. Where are you going?”
“I’ve got some things to take care of, Cass.”
I reached for his arm and said, “You have to tell me, Clutch. I need to know. That man… has he been in my apartment? Was he the one moving my stuff around and eating my food? Was it his cologne I smelled on my blanket?”
“There’s no use in thinking about all that now, Cass. It’s late. Try to get some sleep,” he told me before he freaking left.
I lay down on my bed and tried to settle my nerves, but there was no freaking way in hell I was going to be able to sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about that stranger being in my apartment, going through my things. The fear was suffocating, and after a few hours of staring at the ceiling, I finally gave up and went into the entertainment room. I curled up on the sofa and turned on the news, praying the boring, monotone sound of their voices might help settle my nerves. Unfortunately, it didn’t. I was still up several hours later when Clutch walked in, looking as tired as I felt. He’d taken a shower and changed his clothes, but the image of his blood-soaked shirt was still burned into my memory. I almost cried as I watched him walk over to me, but the moment he sat down next to me, I immediately started to feel better. He’d always been such a good friend, and it meant so much to me he was looking out for me. Without saying a word, he put his arm around my
shoulder, and once I laid my head on his shoulder, I finally managed to fall asleep.
I’d gone to bed with one thing on my mind—Cass. When I sent her away, I was being selfish. I was used to being strong and in command, and I didn’t want her to see me any other way. I knew I was hurting her, but it was what I wanted and it never occurred to me she had a say. Looking back, I understood how wrong it was. I finally understood that loving someone was about respecting the feelings of the person you love. It took getting my body blown to shreds to get it through my thick damn head. I wasn’t sure if she would ever forgive me. If the roles had been reversed, I wasn’t sure I’d be able forgive her, but I had to try. I had to get home and do whatever it took to make things right with her. I’d just need time to make her understand… to explain all my reasons for pushing her away, and to find a way to make her forgive me for being such a damn fool. I just needed a chance, and then I could spend the rest of my life making it up to her. That chance was almost ripped away from me when Derek showed up on her fire escape. When Clutch went after him, he discovered Derek had been hiding out in the apartment above Cass. None of us were sure how long he’d been there, but he’d managed to gather quite a collection of her things. And just like before, there were pictures… everywhere. I could only assume he hadn’t made a real attempt to hurt her, because she hadn’t been alone in days. I’d upped the watch on her, leaving him with no opportunity to get to her. Thankfully, Clutch made sure he’d never get that opportunity.
When Clutch discovered Derek cowering in the apartment above Cass’, he lost it. A fight ensued, and Clutch ended up shooting him—twice. He hadn’t killed him, which gave me the opportunity to decide his fate. The brothers brought him to the clubhouse, where they anxiously waited for my arrival. Since Guardrail called, I’d been doing everything I could to get back home. Thankfully, Sara managed to pull some strings to get us a private flight into Washington.
Just before we boarded the plane, I walked over to Sara and said, “Thanks for this.”