Insufferable Weight of Silence

by Huggins, Carrie

  "You're a pain in the butt is what you are and you know way too much about me as is. It's bad enough you wouldn't leave when she was taking the pictures of me, a normal paramedic would have been long gone by now…. Pervert!" I blurt and everyone in the room chuckles.

  "On top of all this stuff I already know about you, I've seen you naked, a couple times, for various reasons. It can't get any more intimate than all that." He retorts.

  "DECLAN!" I bellow aghast.

  "I can go on if you like, maybe describe it. What we did, when, where, how it played out. All that good stuff."

  "Emergency C-section April 5th, 2005 for the twins, had jaw wired shut in 2009 after an incident, allergic to Reglan and Motrin, last period was Feb. 12th, and on Provera now for birth control and the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome." I answer.

  "Ok well now since you had a C-Section you have to give me the details." He holds up the clipboard and taps his pen on the section he's talking about. "When were they actually due? And what were the complications?"

  "They were due May 31st and the reason for the C-Section was Preeclampsia. High blood pressure and all that jazz."

  "Hey! They were due on my birthday! You couldn't have sucked it up and gone full term?" He asks in all seriousness. Figures, typical male.

  "Uh, no! Have you ever had two babies crammed up inside you, screwing up your body's chemistry?" I retort.

  "Geez, calm down, Spaz. It was just a question."

  Several more people are in and out and I'm poked, prodded, and probed more times than I would have liked. He refused to leave out of spite when I had a pap-smear but at least he looked away.

  Afterwards he is in and out of the room on his phone a lot but never further than the door. I'm sent down to X-ray and brought back up with him in my shadow. After an hour I think everyone is satisfied and the doctor finally comes in when I'm about to doze off.

  "Miss Mason, I've received your x-rays. It appears you have two fractured ribs on the left side. Both 6 and 7 have hairline fractures. Thankfully not enough to shift them and cause severe damage, they'll heal with time. You also some have recent bruising and a tear in the vaginal wall that will need to be sutured. You should be fine with rest and limited activity. Was this a rape?" He asks. I don't quite understand the question or how to answer it, so I don't say anything. He was a boyfriend; it isn't the same.

  "This abuser. After he beat you did he force himself on you and make you have sexual intercourse without your permission?" I nod faintly not looking at Dex this time. The doctor nods in response and continues after writing something down in my chart.

  I feel Dex's hand on mine and slowly pull away to wring my hands together. It's not that I don't want to be comforted but every time I have to think about it, it makes me feel dirty and undeserving because I allowed it to happen time and time again.

  "I don't see any internal bleeding, which I was worried about. What does bother me is this fracture here." He points to another x-ray. "You have a fractured zygomatic bone and have several untreated yet healed facial fractures. Some even years old. When was your nose and jaw broken?" Dr. Natal asks.

  I swallow hard still not looking at Declan because now he's starting to figure out just how much I have kept from him.

  "Two years ago but I had my jaw fixed. Why is that an issue?" I whisper.

  "This abuse has been happening for two years and all these fractures are product of?" Dr. Natal asks. I shake my head.

  "Three years and yes, everyone one of them." I reply. Declan pushes himself up from his chair forcing it into the wall with a crash and storms from the room causing my heart to sink in my chest.

  "I see. I'm going to have to go in and repair some of the old damage to the nose that wasn't fixed. You're sinus cavities took a lot of damage when your nose was broken and I can't take care of that without fixing your deviated septum." He says. I start to tear up knowing there's no way I can pay for this. I'm becoming more and more of a burden on Declan.

  He's standing outside the room I'm sure still listening to everything the doctor is saying but unable to look at me. I've really done it this time. I can't loose him too. He's all I have left, aside from my girls. The tears continue to well up in my eyes.

  "I'll give you a minute while I finish with your forms. You're going to need someone to watch over you a few weeks. We will get all this worked out soon. Do you have someone here to help you during your recovery?"

  "No."

  "The hell she doesn't!” Dex grumbles from the hallway. After another hour with the doctor finishing up and then releasing me Declan comes into the room and stands over me.

  "That man raped you?" He whispers fervently. He wipes my face then grabs my hand to give it a squeeze. I still can't look up at him.

  "I wasn't going to do it willingly." I mutter embarrassed. He thinks I'm a coward and he pities me.

  "Come on, baby girl. Let's get you home." He says softly.

  He walks over and shuts the door while I sit up on the edge of the bed. When he returns he pulls off my hospital gown and grabs my tank top stuffing my bra into my purse. He helps me into my top and pulls my hoodie over my head. When he reaches for my jeans I really lose it. Tears start flooding my eyes and I can't hide them or stop them this time. I stand and pull my pants up the rest of the way feeling like a helpless child. I never cry and lately being back here it seems like that's all I do. I hear him let out a loud rush of air.

  "Elephant shoes." He whispers. I pause to gauge his expression; I haven't heard him utter those words in years. His face is full of pain and anger once again. He places his arms around me very carefully and I grip his waist as if my life depends on it. He pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me.

  "Elephant shoes, Amity. I'm calling it you're my best friend. I can't see you go through this again. To think it's been going on for at least three years and your daughters have seen it all. God, that sick bastard raped you after beating you! I'm calling it and I'm standing behind it one hundred percent. You're not leaving and you're certainly not taking the girls back to that asshole. You want to lie; you want to hide all this from me. Fine! But I will find out eventually. I will fight you for those girls too, if that's what it takes to keep them from him, I will take them away from you and you'll never see them again. Elephant shoes." He breaths exacerbated again.

  "Okay," I say feebly. "You win."

  "I don't win anything! Your life isn't a game, there is no fucking prize to win here. Your surgery is in 4 days. In 4 days you're starting fresh. All this is done, it's over." He points to my side and my face. "He's going to jail. I just made the report and Dr. Natal is sending over the x-rays and medical records as soon as we leave. As soon as you mentioned rape it was a done deal, to be honest it always was. I was going to do it regardless whether you consented or not."

  My knees go weak and I can't hold my own weight. He grips me around my hips and steadies me. Uncontrollable sobs escape my chest. If Brody finds out where I am he will kill me. I don't think he will be satisfied until he hurts my girls too.

  "He's going to find me." I cry into his chest. "You don't know what you've just done. He won't stop until he gets what he wants." I whimper.

  "I hope he tries because he won't leave alive if he comes here. The best thing for him to do is stay there and go to jail because if he comes, I will find him before he finds you." He says through gritted teeth. I find it hard to believe him when he says this because he doesn't know what Brody is capable of.

  On the way through checkout the women hands me a receipt for all my prepaid medical expenses. Declan quickly grabs it from my hands, folds it up, and stuffs it in his pocket.

  "Prepaid?" I whisper. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and we walk out to his truck hours after I first entered the hospital.

  "I said I was going to take care of you."

  "Dex I don't know how I'm going to pay you back for everything. The house renovations, the medical bills, feeding the kids..." I say becoming overwhelm
ed.

  "You aren't paying me back for anything. I did it all of my own accord. Trust me, I can more than afford to take care of you, Delaney, and Delia until you're back on your feet." He says as we pull out of the hospital parking lot.

  "I don't deserve all this."

  "That's the second time you've said that and the second time you've been wrong."

  By the time we get back to his house Hadley is busy working on the couch at her laptop and the girls have long since been put to bed. He helps me up the stairs and into his bed again. Ellie rushes in and jumps on along side me. This time he allows it without so much as a glance. He gives me the prescriptions the doctor gave me and a glass of water than disappears downstairs on his phone for a long while before returning. He goes through his drawers and then into the shower.

  A short while later he crawls in next to me. His fresh scent is intoxicating. I move over next to him and curl up into his side making myself as little as possible. For once I finally feel a hundred percent safe. He is my safe place. If he moves away from me I won't be able to handle the rejection. Instead he rolls towards me, pushes one arm under my head, and places his other across my hip knowing it's probably the only non-painful place to touch.

  "Thanks for everything." I mutter.

  "I'm only doing what's right." He whispers.

  "You're doing far more than you'll ever know. I elephant shoes."

  "I more than elephant shoes." He replies and pulls me in tighter.

  Elephant shoes has always been mine and Declan's secret code growing up. It's our way of saying that he's my one and only real best friend and I his. It's our way of saying we love and appreciate each other and when he uses it against me like he had at the hospital, it was a promise. An unbreakable vow. When you mouth the words without actually saying them your mouth forms the same shapes it would if you were saying, I love you. Except we're just friends. So we don't actually say the words. It doesn't make it any less meaningful, maybe even more so because it's our secret.

  Chapter 5

  The girls are running around the living room at full speed chasing Ellie. It's raining out so the little balls of energy having been cooped up in the house all morning. They both seem to really like Hadley and have become very clingy with her. Neither of them wanting to touch me for fear of hurting me. Or get within a ten-foot radius of Dex, too scared of him.

  Dex and Hadley come in from who knows where and both run up to her grabbing onto her legs for dear life while giggling and singing the latest song of choice. They are certainly people persons even after all they've been through. He pats them on their heads and smiles down at them. They give him a weary glance but he pretends to be unaffected knowing they're still adjusting.

  "What are the little princesses doing today?" He asks them.

  "We're not princesses." Delaney sings.

  "We're...... Puppy dogs!" Delia finishes excitedly.

  "You don't look like puppy dogs to me." Hadley teases. As if right on cue they both start yapping and panting up at her while running around the room barking.

  "That's better." She smiles.

  I frown at the thought of such friendliness knowing they didn't get it from me. I have always been more shy than he. He on the other hand, is the type of person everyone loves to be around. He isn't loud, but he isn't afraid to speak up either. That's not the only thing they got from him. They both have his gorgeous full pouty lips, honey colored eyes, tan skin, and not to mention they're both tall for their age. The doctor guessed them to be around 5'9" by the time they're eighteen. I can't believe they're going to be so tall considering I'm not. Then again Declan is a giant.

  "Would y'all like to color mommy a pretty picture while she eats?" Dex asks them. They both nod excitedly. He pulls out their identical coloring books and crayons setting them on the table for them and then disappears into the kitchen. When he returns he has a plate for me and sits down in the recliner across the room.

  Between Declan and I we've both filled Hadley in with all that he knows so she's become rather attached to me and Dex has become more distant. I'm positive he needs his space and expects me to turn to her if I give it to him.

  Hadley sits on the floor between the girls coloring along with them, it's certainly a sight to see, the girls where they belong surrounded by family. I can't help but think if I hadn't been such an idiot all that time ago they would all know each other. Quite possibly their views on men won't be ruined because of my bad choice.

  Delia looks up at me and then leans into Hadley's ear whispering something I can't hear. She in return catches my eye with furrowed eyebrows but continues to still listen intently to Delia. When she's done she smiles up at her and Hadley kisses her on the forehead and gives her a wink. "Interesting." She grins confirmation washing over her face.

  'What?' I mouth to her. She shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly and carries on with coloring. Delia whispers something else to her and she nods back.

  "I knew it!" Delia bellows excitedly and runs up the stairs to return a few minutes later with something in her hand. She whispers to Delaney this time and shows her what she had retrieved, who turns to Dex pointing her finger at him.

  "He's our daddy. The one you told us about in the princess stories.” She says showing me what her sister is holding. “I know because you said our daddy is the handsome Greek prince that lives on the lake and this is the picture of him sitting in the big black truck by this house." She turns and points to the windows in the kitchen. "That's the lake and Miss Hadley said he's Greek. He's our dad but he doesn't have this truck anymore.” She points to the picture. “...it's red now."

  Declan looks up confused from his phone and around the room at all of us. I nearly choke on my food staring back at him. I hadn't heard any of their private conversation so I didn't know what was said between the three girls. It is rather fitting that he just happens to live in this house on the lake when I was actually referring to his parent’s house, not mine. Irony at its finest.

  "I-I haven't had the Rapture in years." He stutters. His response makes me want to smack him.

  "Where did you get that?" I ask the girls through coughs, pretending I don't know what they're talking about. Before they could answer Hadley jumps up from the floor.

  "So do the awesome little princess puppies want to go to the movies today with Miss Giana and me?" She asks them exuberantly. "I hear there's a great new princess movie out and I'm dying to see it!" They both look up at me hopeful.

  "Yes," I say before Declan can comprehend what just took place and say anything else. I glance over trying to read his expression but there's nothing. He seems to be in shock with a blank stare on his face. "Go! Enjoy." I smile. "Come on, I'll get y'all dressed."

  "Sit! I got it. I would just like to point out to both of you that I knew it as soon as I saw them. I just couldn't figure out when y'all had been together. By the looks on y'all's faces and the fact that he totaled that truck years ago, I know it was right after you graduated high school. Ha!" Hadley says staring at Declan who's still unmoving. It's almost as if he's trying to figure it all out in his head but can't quite connect all the dots.

  "When's their birthday again?" He finally mutters after they leave. He looks ghost white probably on the verge of passing out.

  "April 5th, 2005." I whisper. "They're 6." I add. He snaps his head in my direction.

  "They're my daughters, you left in August for Fall Semester." He says putting it all together as if a light bulb just went off over his head. A very delayed light bulb at that.

  "Jesus fucking Christ, Amity! I have twin daughters? They aren't Brody's or anyone else's?"

  "Yes, they're yours. Why did you think they were Brody's? I met him a couple years ago." I ask curiously.

  "Hell I don't know. We had sex once." He blurts.

  "Once is all it takes." Hadley shouts down the stairs.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" He asks becoming annoyed.

  "Because I didn't want to ruin your life." I r
eply.

  "Ruin my life!" He raises his voice but lowers it when Ellie comes to investigate. "Why in the hell would you think me having kids would ruin my life?"

  "You were 20 when I got pregnant. I didn't want to disrupt your plans because I was careless. We had sex once and we were both drunk. It was an accident and I didn't want to keep you from doing what you wanted." I gush. It's not completely truthful but it's not exactly a lie.

  "You were 17 and you have no idea what I wanted. You getting pregnant was on me as much as it was you. I can't believe this! You stopped talking to me all together a couple months after you left......." He slumps back. "You stopped talking to me when you found out you were pregnant. I don't know how I didn't figure this out sooner." He brushes his hand down his face. "Oh my god, I have two kids!"

  I couldn't look at him anymore he was hurting and I did this to him. I wiped my eyes and rested my chin on my hand. How in the world could I have ever thought any of this was better than what it could have been? He stood up from where he sat across the room and walked up to his bedroom slamming the door behind him.

  After the girls left I went to their room and laid down on the bed, my old bed. For the rest of the day he stayed in his room. I didn't see him until later that evening once Hadley came back with the girls.

  He walks down the stairs not looking at me and straight out the front door. I curl up in a ball on the couch and wrap my blanket tightly around me. Hadley comes down the stairs soon after he did.

  "I read them a story, they were out before I finished." She informs me. She frowns when she catches the look on my face. "He'll come around. He's just upset, you can't tell me you expected him to take the news well?"