Insufferable Weight of Silence

by Huggins, Carrie

  No I didn't think he would take finding out very well but I hadn't hoped he would ignore me. She comes over to me and sits along side me.

  "What's going through that head of yours?"

  "He doesn't want them." I point out upset and on the verge of crying.

  "No. Amity, that couldn't be the furthest from the truth. It has nothing to do with whether he's going to step up and do what's right where they're concerned. You waited nearly seven years to drop that bomb on him. That's what he's so angry about. I highly doubt he's upset about finding out he's a father. If it were me I would be mad about not knowing I had kids and the way it came out. Your little girl ousted you instead of you stepping up and doing what was right."

  "I don't know how to fix this. I'm such a wreck right now, everything is coming crashing down around me." I tell her. She's right, I should have told him but how was I suppose to do that? Casually over breakfast? Oh, hey you know those girls in there? Yea, you knocked me up at a party when we were both drunk.

  "It only feels that way right now." Hadley says pulling me into her side and hugging me. "I know it's the last thing on your mind but now that we have some alone time, I'm going to need you to tell me everything from start to finish. I don't know if Declan told you but I'm a cop and he asked me to oversee your assault case. I need to know about all the abuse, how he did it, where, when, with what, everything and I need your confession on tape." She informs me and I nod. I sit up straight, draw my legs into me, and hug them.

  “Ok, I'll tell you everything but you can't tell Dex, please." I whisper.

  "I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's law, what ever you say won't go beyond this room unless it's needed in court. Dex won't hear it from me but just a little tip, if he asks you should probably tell him so he can better understand what you've been through." She frowns and I know it's the truth. I need to stop lying to the one person who's helping me the most. I watch as she pulls a small voice recorder from her pocket and flips it on setting it on the table. She looks up at me sympathetically.

  "For record please state your full name...."

  “Amity Gracelynn Mason.”

  For the next 2 hours I go over all the painstaking details reliving each debilitating encounter. She asks me several questions and I answer them all honestly with a hundred percent truth. She takes down notes and when we are finished she shuts off the recorder gives me a deep hug and leaves. I lock the door behind her and go up to the girl’s room.

  It's late now and I'm physically and mentally exhausted from the days events. I quickly take a shower and check in on the girls. They're both still sleeping so I crawl between them under the covers. He still isn't home and I have no idea when he's coming back or if he is tonight at all. I lay in bed for another hour thinking about how much I've royally screwed up.

  Finding him was a mistake, I should have called someone else or gone somewhere else alone and started over by myself with the girls. He doesn't want them, he doesn't want the responsibility, and everything else that I've just dropped in his lap.

  The house is eerily quiet, it's rather unnerving. The only thing I can hear are the owls hooting outside and the crickets chirping. I hear the front door open downstairs and heavy footsteps stomping and stumbling through the living room sometime after 2am. A loud crash sounding like glass breaking meets my ears and I go into panic mode. There's uttered curse word and then more stomping through the lower level of the house as well as Ellie going nuts.

  I tremble under the covers and hear the door to his bedroom across the hall creak open. Someone trips and stumbles across the floor. "Shit." Declan slurs. He was obviously so upset he went out and got drunk.

  The water cuts off fifteen minutes later and he goes back into the hall and down the stairs. The shower didn't sober him up much, he must have had a lot to drink and by the looks of it, it wasn't just a beer kind of night.

  ***

  The following morning, I get up and dress for the day before anyone else in the house. I wake the girls and dress them as well taking them down to the kitchen for breakfast. We pass Dex passed out on the couch sprawled out still sleeping off last nights’ festivities, he probably thought I slept in his bed. In the kitchen I cut up some fruit and make the girls some eggs. Then I give them each glasses of milk and take a seat next to them at the table while they eat.

  When they finish I put their plates in the sink and we walk out the back door to the lake. We take seats at the edge of the water and dangle our feet off the dock. Several ducks swim near us so I pass out some bread I grabbed before we came out. I show them how to pinch off little pieces and throw it to the birds. We sit outside enjoying the morning sun beat down on our skin and relish in the view. The smell of the water assaults my senses and somewhat sets my mind at ease.

  "Look, Mama!" Delaney points down the lake near the heavily brushed tree line. There's a cluster of deer lazily grazing near the water.

  "Wow!" Delia gushes amazed.

  "Those are White-tailed deer." I inform them. Delia goes to stand up but I stop her knowing what she's thinking.

  "I want to feed them." She whines.

  "No, Hun. Deer don't eat bread and they're too scared of people to let you get close. They would just run away. Feed the ducks instead." I tell her. They both continue to watch the deer and do as I tell them.

  When they're bored of it and out of bread I help them up and we walk back down the dock towards the house. I take a seat in one of the patio chairs and let them stay outside running around and playing for a while longer chasing Ellie. I don't want to go back in the house with Dex. I'm sure he's still angry and it's not something I want to be around or have my girls around. It was the whole point I me moving here.

  He's been distant lately so it's probably best to just give him his space anyways. He went from living here alone to having three women move into his house and take over his life. Two of them being daughters he just learned of. I feel such an idiot for thinking this all could have gone differently than it had, nothing ever goes the way I plan. This is what I get for doing all this to him.

  I need a pick me up and so do they, I stand pushing my chair back and call out to the girls, "dance party!" They both perk their heads up looking at me excitedly.

  "The dance song. The dance song." They chant over and over.

  "Hmm, how about God Made Girls, instead?" I ask with a grin.

  "Yay!" They both shout and jump around excitedly. I take one of each of their hands and with their free hands they grab each other's.

  "Somebody's got to wear a pretty skirt, somebody's gotta want to hold his hand, so god made girls..." I sing Raelynn's lyrics looking down at the both of them. Their eyes light up and they chime in singing when they know the words. Listening to them enjoy themselves and having the little moments like this is the life I have always wanted. "He stood back and told the boys I'm about to rock your world...."

  We dance around in circles swaying our hips. I take my time dancing with each of them one on one and even guide them together so they can dance with one another while I stand off to the side and revel in this precious moment. "Something that can wake him up and call his bluff and drag his butt to church.... So god made girls..."

  "Another song, mommy. Sing another song." Delaney begs. I smile at her beautiful little face.

  "I couldn't deny my little princess. What would you like to hear now?"

  "Coming Home." Delia asks. That request hit me right through the heart. I knew exactly what she was asking but I didn't know if I could do it with a dry eye.

  "Virginia Bluebell." Delaney asks.

  "Yea, that one, mommy." Delia agrees and I exhale with relief. "That one I'll do but I'll put a little mommy twist into it. How about that?" I smile down at her and touch her little nose. She giggles up at me and melts my heart. I take both their hands and we dance again.

  "Carrying the weight, on the end of a limb. You're just waiting for somebody to pick you up again...." I sing to them. They both start gigg
ling all over again. "All you ever wanted was a sunny place to go.........cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell you're my Texas Bluebells....My Texas Bluuuebelllls." I wink at them when I sing Texas instead of Virginia and they both light up.

  I pick Delia up and place her on my hip holding one of her hands and spin Delaney around while I continue to sing. Delaney releases my hands and spins in several circles watching her dress flair out.

  The actual song starts to play through the speakers on the patio. I look in the direction of where it was coming from and turn to see Dex now holding Delaney and dancing along with her. She grins at him almost weary but more so she's enamored. She's enamored that he wants to dance with her. She's never had that sort of attention from a man let alone her own father, at no fault of their own, and I can see it affects her. She may just end up a daddy’s girl yet. Miranda Lambert starts singing the lyrics I had been previously and Dex glances over her shoulder at me with an apologetic smile.

  For the next 5 to 10 minutes we have a dance party with the girls. They're both full of giggles and enjoy him joining in more than I thought even if they are still weary of him. We set them down and they run off to the edge of the porch to play again.

  I turn to take a seat in a chair but he grabs my hand and pulls me to him. The next song by Josh Turner starts, he spins me and pulls me back to him firmly. "Amity? I want them to know me and I want to gain their trust. I want to be involved in their lives, part of moments like that, and help you out with them financially and physically. I want to be there for them, so please don't take them from me." He begs as we continue to dance.

  "I don't have anywhere else to go." I mutter honestly. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you and for all I put them through."

  "You have this and nothing to be sorry for, you gave me two amazing little girls." He replies glancing in their direction. "You gotta do something about that damn dog though. I know her hearts in the right place but she scares the hell out of me." He states. I giggle thinking of Ellie, she's my little furry protector.

  "Good, just keep your hands to yourself and you should be good. She attacked Brody once after he hit me." I reply.

  "Then I think she deserves a fat steak and I can forgive her for doing this." He says showing me his hand. He has deep teeth marks in the palm and on the back of his hand and wrist.

  "Oh my god! She did that?" I stop dancing and take his hand. "Do you have a suture kit? I need to disinfect that and close some of those up." He grips my waist again pushing me around the patio.

  "She did it when I came in the house early this morning, it was my fault. She attacked me when I fell into the entryway table and broke that lamp." He utters embarrassed. I arch an eyebrow up at him and try to suppress a laugh. "It's fine I've already cleaned it and not funny either, I got a little drunk last night with some of the guys." I know, I was awake, I think to myself. I'm not telling him that. If he got drunk like Brody does it's no surprise Ellie attacked him.

  "You want to invite some people over for a small get together tonight, I'm sure everyone wants to see you? We can do a little something here in the backyard." He asks.

  "I don't know Dex. I just got here and I'm still trying to get use to all this..." I trail off feeling awful. I'm not ready to be around people and as much I want to see everyone again I'm scared to. I'm not ready to explain all this just yet.

  "Hey, it was just an idea. We can do it some other time. I don't want to overwhelm you. So it's ok."

  "You go out and have fun, I don't want to take up all your time and you still have a life to lead." I say.

  "I'm not going anywhere. This is where I want to be, they're my life now." He smiles in the girls’ direction.

  Chapter 6

  "She's training to become a detective." Declan tells me as he pushes play on the DVD player. I furrow my brows in surprise, Hadley had kept her word and not told him about our interrogation.

  "Really? I knew she was a cop but..." I ask. He pats me on the leg.

  "Yes really. Did you think I was kidding?" He asks. "She's probably going to be very inquisitive and it will be in your best interest as well as the girls to answer the questions. If you don't want me around, fine. You need to tell her everything, though." He adds. I lean into him and he drapes his arm over the back of the couch behind me.

  "I already did the little interrogation with her the other night.” I say easing his mind and patting his chest. “She has my complete recount of everything on record while you were out on your little tirade so you can breathe easy."

  "I'm really proud of you for doing that. I know it wasn't easy but I promise it's going to be worth it in the end." He beams down at me.

  "Thanks, that means a lot." I smile up at him.

  "Maybe you're not so insufferable after all." He grins. The sliding glass door opens and I hear the faint pitter-patter of the girls’ feet coming in. I'm guessing their tea party is over.

  "Mama, look what we found." He turns his head in their direction and I follow to see the girls smiling faces enter the living room. They come running over to show me what's in their cup. Poor clumsy Delia trips over Ellie, spills the contents of her cup along with a frog, and the cup hits the ground shattering.

  "Oh, no! Are you girls ok?" I ask worried about the broken glass. I notice Delia's hand and knee are bleeding from landing on some of the shards but she doesn't seem to feel it, something has her attention. I follow her eyes to Dex as she pales and goes ghost white. I stand up when she panics bursting into tears. Delaney takes one look at her sister and follows suit. They both look more scared than I've ever seen either one of them in their lives.

  "Oh my goodness!" Hadley utters when she comes in close behind having seen her fall. Delaney rushes Delia and grabs her hand digging her fingers into her sister and they both stumble away sobbing they were sorry over and over. Except it was off, not a sound was coming out of their mouths. They couldn't catch their breathes. Worried, Declan stands up to check on them and all hell breaks loose.

  When I thought it couldn't get any worse they freeze where they stand staring up at Declan's massive size as if finally seeing him for the first time since we arrived. Delia trembles violently wetting herself in the process and starts to scream incoherently. Hadley and Declan stop taken aback and stare at one another having never seen anything like this before and unsure of what to make of it.

  "It's ok little princesses, it was an accident." Dex says calmly not knowing what to do for a moment.

  "Dex, can you give me one of those towels from the laundry basket?" I ask and point to the basket at the end of the couch while he tries to soothe the girls. I try to get a look at her hand as blood runs down her arm.

  "Oh honey!" Hadley whimpers with tears in her eyes, she can't believe their reactions.

  Delia and Delaney huddle in the corner grasping and clawing at each others arms leaving red marks on another, while also becoming soaked in urine and blood. They're holding onto one another for dear life and it's literally pulling everyone’s hearts apart. This is how they felt every time, I was usually just too preoccupied to see it play out.

  "Are you sure they were never abused?" Hadley asks but her question goes unanswered, I'm not sure how to answer it and Dex is trying to not show how angry he is for their sake.

  "It's ok girls. It was an accident. I'm not even mad. I'm worried about y'all though. It makes me sad to see y'all so upset." Declan soothes, "nothing and no one will hurt either of you anymore. I promise." He puts his hand on my arm to give me the towel he had retrieved and both the girls rush him screaming and crying, with their little angry fists flying all over the place. He quickly retracts his hand and holds them up in front of him so they can see all of him as he takes each of their strikes to his legs. I try to pull Delia off him as Hadley reaches for Delaney. He looks at me with angst.

  "Everything is alright. I'm just going to clean up the mess. We don't want anyone else getting cut on the glass. Can I do that? Can I cover the glas
s?" He asks still holding both hands up as if waving his white flag. We remove the girls and he slowly gets down on his knees.

  "I'm so sorry." I mumble humiliated.

  "Hey. It's no big deal. It's just a little water." He says in his soothing voice. "Look," he cleans the water up and lays the towel over the broken tea cup. "Delaney, Delia it's gone. There's no more mess, it's fine. Everything is ok. I got rid of it." He continues to console them through their screams. Hadley and I both sit down next to them on the floor. Finally, Delaney realizes maybe nothing is going to happen and stops screaming all at once.

  "DON'T HIT MOMMY ANYMORE, BRODY!" Delia screams loud and clear. As soon as she hears herself everyone freezes including her.

  "Princess, I'm not Brody." Declan reminds her. "My name is Declan and I would never hurt you, your sister, or your mom."

  "Dex, that's what happened the other day. That's exactly why I look like this right now. One of them spilled water on the carpet and he took it out on me." He and Hadley both look at me in shock.

  "Because a child spilled water?" He asks mystified. I nod in response.

  "I'm not going to hurt your mom, girls. I am not like Brody. I know it was an accident. I would never lay a hand on you or your mom." He repeats to them. "Look," he slowly reaches for me and wraps his arm around my waist. He pulls me over to him for a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug. "See I would never hurt her. Delia, don't panic but you're bleeding, baby. Don't be scared we all get cuts sometimes." He points to her knee and hand, she looks at Dex and then down to her hand where he's pointing.

  "Daddy Declan is a paramedic. I need you to let me look at it. It's my job. I need to make my little girl feel better." He says softly. It takes me a second but I register he called himself daddy and he kissed me in front of them. No one not even Brody has said that to them or shown me affection in front of them before. I'm just as confused as they are now.