Cosmic Correspondent

by Pen Avey

  In other news, it was Great Aunt Grumbeloid’s birthday yesterday, so the whole Jones clan went out for dinner. We visited a family friendly restaurant on the outskirts of Flurm called Nasal Norm’s. As is suggested by its name, it’s a nose themed restaurant. Norm is short for “E-norm-ous Nose” (which the owner has) and is the inspiration for both the menu and décor.

  The walls are lined with pictures of different nose types, plus a certificate from the Grimace World Record people, stating that Norm’s mahoosive nose is indeed the biggest one ever recorded on Crank.

  As for the food, you can choose from such splendid dishes as Snozzage Casserole, Spaghetti Bolognasal, or Snotzarella-cheese pizza.

  Norm greeted us personally at the door and gave us each a fake nose to wear, except for Great Aunt Grumbeloid and Shriekfest. Shriekfest got a “My Pet Nosey” toy, and Great Aunt Grumbeloid somehow got missed (either that or Norm thought she was already wearing a false nose, but I wasn’t going to point that one out).

  Great Aunt Grumbeloid had a good old moan about it to our waitress though and was given a free starter to make amends. Great Aunt Grumbeloid then complained that her starter was cold, so she was given a free main meal (I thought salad was meant to be cold?). Then she groaned about her main meal being too wet.

  I could tell that by now the waitress’s patience had been sorely tested, but she still brought out some extra bread to add dryness to my Great Aunt’s meal.

  When dessert came (white chocolate noses filled with lime ice cream), Great Aunt Grumbeloid grizzled about her nose being smaller than everyone else’s (again, I had to bite my tongue), so Mum swapped with her to keep the peace.

  After we left the restaurant, I could tell my parents were sad that Great Aunt Grumbeloid’s birthday hadn’t gone as well as they’d hoped. But then on the way home she surprised us all by saying that it had been the best night out she’d had in a long while.

  I guess she just enjoys a good grumble.

  Do you have any elderly relatives with strange habits? Please tell me about them in your next letter.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 18

  Dear Earthling,

  I was amused to read about your Uncle Stuart and his fascination with door knobs, particularly the time he took the knob off his bathroom door to examine it but couldn’t get it back on in order to exit the room.

  It’s amazing that humans can survive for so long eating nothing but toilet paper and toothpaste.

  Another thing that’s amazing (but not in a good way) is Killian’s fascination with Stabwell Phillips. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately (Andi would call it “obsessing”), and the only thing I can think of is that he’s growing facial hair faster than anyone at our school, even much older boys.

  I did toy with the idea of using Dad’s hair growth formula on my face but decided against this. Suddenly sprouting a three foot long beard would probably freak her out rather than impress her, so I hatched a more subtle plan.

  I still have my extra pillowcase stuffed with leg hair, so I’m going to:

  Remove a small amount of leg hair from the pillowcase.

  Use Great Aunt Grumbeloid’s snippers (which I still have) to cut this hair into short lengths.

  Carefully attach the hair onto a small strip of double-sided tape

  Stick the tape onto my top lip, and Shlob’s your uncle—an instant moustache!

  I’m going to try it out at school tomorrow and will let you know how it goes when I next write.

  By the way, my excuse to go round Killian’s whenever I want is sadly gone. Killian’s dad “accidentally” left the garage door open, and Spike the hedge-podge ran away. (Well, he probably staggered away slowly, as they are not the speediest of creatures). I believe that Killian’s dad actually left the door open on purpose, because when I went round there the other day I heard him call Spike a “flea-ridden bag of disease” under his breath. I actually agree with him on this and cannot see the attraction of an animal that you can’t even pick up without being either bitten or stabbed multiple times. I’m not going to admit my thoughts on this to Killian though, as she was very upset and insisted on leaving a trail of snapple chunks outside in the hope that they would lure Spike back.

  I did suggest checking the park, as there are lots of fluppies there for Spike to eat; but Killian just gave me a death stare and said (firmly) that Spike wouldn’t eat fluppies since he’s converted to veganism now. I’m not entirely convinced of this but didn’t push the issue as I’m quite enjoying the fact that Killian doesn’t swing me about by my collar any more, and I really don’t fancy going back to those days.

  Anyway I’m signing off now as Andi’s just arrived to watch me make my fake moustache. He says “HELLO EARTHLING” by the way.

  Until next time,

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 19

  Dear Earthling,

  Thank you for your letter. I’m glad you’ve been having fun in the warm weather with your family. I found the story about your big sister’s inability to light a barbecue, and her subsequent embarrassment in front of her new boyfriend highly amusing!

  We don’t have barbecues on Crank, due to the fact that we don’t eat much meat. This is mainly because farm animals started evolving around 2,000 years ago and now strongly object to being eaten. However, scientists found a way to clone meat products. Meat is grown in a way similar to how we grow vegetables now, but as it’s quite expensive most people on Crank do without it.

  My week has had its ups and downs, the major down being the fake moustache, I’m sad to say.

  I made a really great one (extra bushy and quite realistic looking) and stuck it onto my top lip in the boys’ toilets before school started.

  I’ve got to admit it added years to me (Andi said I looked like a very short and weedy forty-year-old, but I could tell he was secretly impressed).

  I tried to act as cool as a gluecumber when I went into registration, even when everyone stared and asked lots of questions about it.

  Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Killian. Even she was looking at me with interest.

  I explained to my newfound adoring fans that puberty creeps up on some (I glared at Stabwell at this point) and leaps out at others (I twirled the corner of my ‘stache in what I hoped was a sophisticated way as I said this).

  Then Andi walked in the classroom and ruined everything. It seems that while I was making my fake moustache, Andi was also secretly making one, but Andi’s craft skills are fairly poor due to his metal sausage fingers. The result looked like a hairy caterpillar that had lost an argument with a steamroller—not a pretty sight.

  Of course when my classmates saw Andi’s pathetic effort they realised my more superior moustache was also fake, so I had to pretend it was a joke that Andi and I had planned all along.

  Later, I tried to get angry with Andi about the situation, but he swore blind that he hadn’t made a fake moustache at all, and that it was a squashed caterpillar that had somehow got stuck to his lip.

  I find that rather coincidental, but am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt since he has invited me to see a travelling circle this weekend to celebrate his date of manufacture.

  Do you have travelling circles on Earth? They are basically large tents with a circle of sawdust laid down inside where various acts perform to a watching crowd. I’ve never been to one before and am really looking forward to it.

  In other news, I went to clean out Precious’s flowerpot yesterday, and who should I find curled up asleep in there but Spike! I told Killian, and she came round and checked things like the size of the flowerpot and the bedding I use and seemed very happy with the situation. She also asked me lots of questions about Precious, as that was the first time she’d ever seen her (I could ha
ve kicked myself for not asking her round to meet Precious sooner, knowing how animal obsessed she is). Anyway, Spike and Precious seem to be getting along very well, so Killian is happy to leave Spike with me (so is Killian’s dad, presumably). Of course I’ve said she can come and visit any time—every day if she wants to.

  I’m signing off now as I’ve just heard a weird noise coming from my garden and I’m off to investigate it.

  Write soon.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 20

  Dear Earthling,

  I have some bad news. You know I said about the noise coming from the garden in my last letter? Well, it was Spike attacking Precious! I tried to pull them apart, but Precious was too slimy for me to get a good grip of, and Spike was too spiky.

  Great Aunt Grumbeloid came out to see what all the commotion was and walloped Spike several times with her walking stick to drive him away, at which point he hissed at her (I never knew hedge-podges did that!) before ambling off into the undergrowth. Precious didn’t seem too bothered about her ordeal though (neither chickens nor snails are particularly emotional creatures), but Dad is going to make her a pen just in case Spike comes back for round two.

  In other bad news, I had a very traumatic time at the travelling circle last night with Andi’s family.

  It started off okay—Andi’s parents had booked us front row seats, so we had an excellent view.

  The circle-boss came out (he was either wearing stilts or was incredibly tall—it’s hard to tell with circle folk as they tend to look rather unusual anyway) and introduced the first act, the “frowns”—they paint their faces to look cross and do things like throwing cabbages at each other. One of them was very short and rode around on a little tricycle spraying crustard from a squirt-blaster at the audience.

  Andi’s parents must have been expecting this sort of thing, as his family watched the entire show from the safety of a small see-through tent. I sat in there with them at first, but my breathing kept steaming it up, so I got out.

  Getting out must have attracted the little frown’s attention. He pedalled towards me at quite a pace, balancing a bucket on his head. I was expecting to get covered in crustard, but the bucket turned out to contain a net! He caught me, and dragged me into the circle.

  At first I panicked, thinking I was being kidnapped and forced to become one of “them” (I mean, seriously, who would choose to be a frown?) but then he whispered, “Relax, it’s just a bit of fun,” so I decided to play along.

  The other frowns all came over and helped him untangle me, and I was plonked onto a chair as one of the angriest looking frowns pretended to paint my portrait.

  When he’d finished, he showed it to the audience and they all roared with laughter as it was a picture of a donkey. The little frown then led me back to my seat and gave me an envelope containing a “prize” for being a good sport.

  I couldn’t really concentrate on the rest of the show because I felt so embarrassed that the frowns had made such a fool out of me.

  I did kind of enjoy the tightrope walker—it was thrilling wondering if she was going to fall off—but to be honest, I was glad when the show finished. I just wanted to go home and be embarrassed in private.

  Afterwards, Andi made me feel a bit better by admitting he was jealous that the frowns had chosen me to be their “victim” and felt it should have been him out there under the spotlight as it was his date of manufacture celebration.

  On the way home I remembered the envelope the little frown had given me and opened it.

  It contained two free tickets to see the show again. I gave them to Andi as there’s no way I’m ever going back there.

  Happily I’ve recovered enough from my traumatic experience to attend Space Cadets tonight.

  I can’t wait, as Sergeant Megatron 5000 says he has some very exciting news for us all! (If it’s that he’s arranged a Space Cadets trip to the travelling circle, I’m going to scream.)

  I’ll let you know one way or another when I next write.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones

  CHAPTER 21

  Dear Earthling,

  Guess what? Sergeant Megatron 5000 announced at Space Cadets that we are finally going to Space Camp! It’s going to be held on a planet called Blarch—a popular holiday destination for Crank dwellers, with lots to do and fantastic scenery. I am so thrilled at this news that my cheeks hurt from grinning.

  Andi was happy at first, but when he told his parents they started to get concerned about his safety. They have been coming up with all sorts of reasons why he shouldn’t go, like that he’s got flat feet, or that he’s allergic to meteors.

  Sergeant Megatron 5000 ended up going round Andi’s house to set their minds at ease. He played them a recording detailing some of the highlights of last year’s Space Camp trip from his on-board projection unit. Unfortunately, he’d forgotten to edit out Stabwell’s disintegration incident, so now they’re more worried than ever. Nevertheless, Andi’s determined to go and has stuck an itinerary of the trip onto every wall of his house to try and make his point (I’ve told him to cross out the part about the “Many-Clawed Beastie” though).

  SPACE CAMP ITINERARY

  In other news, we are having a history day at school and have each been asked to bring in an ancient relic to discuss. The student with the most interesting artefact will win a whole set of Revolting Ronald books. Have you heard of these? They tell stories about a boy (Ronald) with his own time machine, who travels through history turning up at key events and generally ruining them with his foul behaviour.

  When I first heard about the Revolting Ronald books I asked Dad to build me a time machine, but he told me about something called a “time paradox” and how the fabric of space-time could be ripped and we’d all be sucked into a vortex, so I swiftly went off the idea.

  Anyway, I’m determined to win the books and have thought of the best ancient relic to bring in—Great Aunt Grumbeloid! I’m sure she’ll be up for it as she can talk for hours about the olden days. I’m not going to mention anything to Andi though because he’s bound to copy me, as his Great Uncle Philbot is 209 years old. Do you have any special days at school that you look forward to?

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones

  CHAPTER 22

  Dear Earthling,

  Thank you for the book you sent—I’m really enjoying it. We do not have wizards on Crank, and it’s great learning about them. The wizard school they go to sounds really blamtastic. Do you think you might go there too one day?

  It was also interesting to read in your letter about the special day you had at school where you all dressed up as characters out of books. If they ever do that on Crank, I’m definitely going as Revolting Ronald.

  It was History day today at my school, and it was very informative. Great Aunt Grumbeloid complained about accompanying me, but I could tell she was looking forward to it as she ironed her hat and put on some lipstick. Mum was very supportive of her going in with me too—I think my Great Aunt is starting to grate on Mum’s nerves a little, but she’s too polite to say anything.

  Andi brought in an interesting relic, which he’d borrowed from his cousin’s Museum of Robotica in Minch City. It’s a fully functional robot hand said to be over 500 years old called “The Mysterious Typing Hand of Minch.”

  Our class tested the hand by putting it on a keyboard to see if it would type stuff out. Unfortunately, we couldn’t ask it any questions as it cannot hear, but I think it once belonged to a data entry robot working for a construction firm, judging by the message it typed:

  ONE TON OF CEMENT AND 5000 BRICKS DELIVERED ROUND THE BACK.

  When it was time to do my presentation, Great Aunt Grumbeloid was nowhere to be seen. It turned out that she’d found her way to the school dining hall and was
having a deep conversation with the school cook about the best way to season cabbage (slurry powder, apparently).

  I dragged her back to my classroom, where she spent ages talking about when she was young.

  She told us that as a teenager she danced with a prince at a royal ball. Then she said something about plumpkins and losing a shoe. I think she may have gotten confused—the story ended with her marrying the prince. As far as I’m aware she isn’t Princess Grumbeloid. Anyway it went down particularly well with the girls in my class (Killian looked a bit tearful at one point), and she got a huge round of applause at the end.

  I’d started thinking about which Revolting Ronald book to read first, yet when everyone voted on which artefact was the best, Andi won first place. I tried really hard to be happy for him but was a bit miffed as I’ve never even heard him mention Revolting Ronald before. I’m glad that I didn’t get cross with him though, as on the way home he gave the whole set of books to me! He explained that his parents bought him a story chip as his date of manufacture present, and it contains every book written within the last fifty years, and that he’d read the entire Revolting Ronald set already.

  I asked him if it was any good, and he said “MEH.”

  I’m not put off though, and am going to make a start on them as soon as I’ve finished reading the wizard one you sent.

  Write soon,

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 23

  Dear Earthling,

  I am not talking to Andi because of something that happened at Space Cadets last night.

  We are all working towards our Shuttle Practice badge so that we can have a go at piloting a real shuttle on the way to Space Camp; something I’m really looking forward to.