Cosmic Correspondent

by Pen Avey

  Andi is nervous about flying an actual shuttle (personally I think his parents have scared him with their talk of meteor allergies and the like), so as I’m a good friend to him, I said we could work on the badge together.

  I started off by sitting on a chair holding a spatula as a joystick, while Andi ran about in front of me, pretending to be obstacles that I had to swerve to avoid.

  Then we got to have a go in a proper simulation unit. It’s a mock-up of a space shuttle with all the actual controls and has sensors that react to what you are doing to simulate take-off and landing (or crashing, if things don’t go so well).

  Sergeant Megatron 5000 ran through the controls with us (which was a bit mind boggling as there are tons of them), and then it was time to have a go for real.

  Andi asked if he could watch my turn before he had his, and I agreed as I wanted to show him that there was nothing to worry about. Big mistake! The take off was fine, but as soon we were airborne, Andi got totally carried away and was acting like we were actually in space. When I had to negotiate a meteor shower, he started shouting panicky commands in loudspeaker mode. This was really off-putting, and before I knew what was happening, I’d crashed into a meteor and GAME OVER flashed up on the screen.

  I left the simulator in a mega huff, and my mood didn’t improve when Sergeant Megatron 5000 told me we’d run out of time and Andi was having the last turn in the simulator. I stood outside and watched the huge simulation machine rocking about on its hydraulic lifts, willing Andi to crash (don’t judge me—as I said it was a mega huff), but when it stopped he emerged with a huge grin on his face. Apparently he’d freaked out on my go because of his meteor allergy, but on his turn he’d had to manoeuvre through an asteroid belt, and he said he’d been fine with those, so it turns out that he passed his Shuttle Practice and I didn’t. What’s worse is that I’m not going to get a chance to pass before Space Camp as it’s next week. That means I’m not going to get to fly a shuttle for real. I am so cross with Andi that I daren’t talk to him in case I say something I’d later regret, but he seems oblivious to me ignoring him.

  Later, when I told my mum what had happened, she totally missed the point and said she was really proud of me for supporting my friend in getting his badge. She did try to cheer me up by making my favourite dinner though—cream of watermelon soup with pineapple croutons.

  I wonder what the food is going to be like at Space Camp. Are you going on any trips this summer? Let me know when you next write.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 24

  Dear Earthling,

  Thank you for your recent letter and the leaflet you sent with information about your forthcoming school trip. It sounds really fun, although I’m not so sure about your trip to the beach. Here on Crank, our oceans are still highly toxic due to thousands of years of pollution. In fact I live in the district of Shoebeach, so called because the entire shoreline consists of various types of footwear that was washed up years ago when a mega cruise liner carrying fashion designers sank.

  Also, in the middle of the Specific Ocean there is a whole island formed from discarded plastic bags (the Isle of Costa Cutta), which is inhabited solely by monster rats that are slowly eating it away.

  We have learned from our ancestors’ mistakes though, and scientists (including my dad) are working on ways to decontaminate the oceans. You are very lucky that your seas are still clean enough to swim in!

  As I write this I’m preparing to go away to Space Camp. I’m annoyed that I cannot find my Breathe-Easy. You probably don’t have these on Earth, but they are small capsules that you stick up your nose to convert any other gas to oxygen. We are all going to need them on Blarch as the oxygen levels there are very low. I suspect that Shriekfest has hidden it somewhere (hopefully not up her own nose).

  One thing I’ve already done in preparation for my trip is asked Killian to look after Precious while I’m away. Mum said that Shriekfest would be happy to look after her for me, but I’m worried that Shriekfest might try to find out if Precious can fly (she flaps her wings and tries to sometimes, which is kind of adorable); plus Shriekfest has the attention span of a gnat, so may forget some of her care duties.

  I wrote a list for Killian, as she takes animal care very seriously and I want her to understand that I do, too:

  Care schedule for Precious

  Menu:

  Breakfast -- corn and lettuce mix.

  Dinner -- lettuce and corn mix.

  Tea -- corn and lettuce mix (with extra lettuce).

  Daily Care:

  Feather ruffling (she particularly enjoys being ruffled under her chin).

  Foot scraping (to remove twigs and stones caught up in her giant slimy foot).

  Beak polishing (be sure to wear thick gloves as she will try to peck you).

  Suggested Activities:

  Precious enjoys slithering up and down bare arms, but if you decide to do this you will need to shower straight after as her slime dries to a glue-like crust.

  Also she likes to play fetch with a marble, but this requires lots of patience as it takes her ages for just one turn.

  By the way, Andi and I have made friends again—he came round my house to apologise with a tin of sound-bite toffees. Do you have these on Earth? As you chew them they make various noises ranging from “angry wasp” to “belly laugh.” Anyway, he realised that he’d caused me to mess up my Shuttle Practice badge with his panicky behaviour, and even offered to give me his badge to make up for it. I explained that although his offer was kind, I still wouldn’t be allowed to pilot a real space shuttle. He just said “WE’LL SEE” and attempted to wink at me (as robots can’t wink, this consisted of him covering one eye briefly with his hand). I wonder what he means?

  Anyway I must go, as I’ve got tons to do.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 25

  Dear Earthling,

  I am writing this letter to you from Space! It’s been an eventful day. It all started with a mad scramble to find my Breathe-Easy (I forgot to keep looking for it after I wrote my last letter to you). It turns out Great Aunt Grumbeloid had it the whole time. She thought it was a device to prevent snoring and has been popping it up her nose at night ever since she arrived at our house. She swears by it and says her snoring was so loud before that it even used to wake her up. Dad looked worried and promised to get her a replacement as soon as possible.

  Everyone came to Space Cadets HQ to see the rocket launch. Great Aunt Grumbeloid said she didn’t much like the name of our rocket ship (it’s called “ABORT Mission”). I explained that it’s actually an acronym and stands for:

  Astro

  Blarch

  Outer-space

  Relay

  Transporter

  She just grunted and said it didn’t bode well in her eyes. I thanked her for her vote of confidence, at which she surprised me by giving me a really tight hug. Shriekfest seemed to pick up on the paranoia vibe and asked if she could have my “Grandmothers of the Universe” action figures if the rocket crashed. I told her that if she as much as looked at any of my stuff while I was away I’d make sure Father Christmas visited one night soon (I told Shriekfest the story you told me, and she’s been terrified about it ever since—thanks for that!).

  My parents both hugged me, and then I stepped on the escalator leading to the rocket. Once on board I found a seat near Andi (who’s parents reluctantly agreed to let him come in the end) and strapped in ready for take off.

  Everyone was chatting excitedly, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a commotion at the door. Someone was arguing with Sergeant Megatron 5000 and demanding to be let aboard. I turned to Andi, thinking at first it might be his mom-bot coming to drag him off, and rolled my eyes in a “Good grief, how embarr
assing” kind of way. When I looked back round I was confronted with the cause of the kerfuffle—it was Great Aunt Grumbeloid! She hobbled up to me and announced loudly that she had knitted me a lucky hat, and I had to promise that I’d wear it—especially at night, because it can get chilly sleeping in a tent.

  I took the hat (which was covered in brightly coloured crocheted flowers) and mumbled “Thank you” as I stuffed it into my pocket. My words were drowned out by the sniggers of my fellow cadets.

  After Great Aunt Grumbeloid left, the door was locked, and there was a hiss as the escalator detached from the rocket casing. The next thing we knew, the engines started—a whine that built to a roar—and a countdown began on a big screen in front of us. We all joined in the countdown, and the atmosphere was much like celebrating “Whoop! New Year,” but without linking arms and singing the song that no-one knows the words to. When we got to “Blast Off!” the rumbling went crazy—I thought my teeth were going to rattle out of my head! Suddenly all of that pent up energy was released, and we were catapulted up into the sky. It was very exhilarating. The only way I can describe it is like a thousand tiny bumblebees tickling your soul.

  We arrived in space an hour or so ago, and I decided to write to you as there’s not a lot to do at the moment because we aren’t allowed to walk around until we’ve made it safely through a black hole into the Cheese galaxy. I will write you another letter tonight when I’ve arrived on Blarch Space Station.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 26

  Dear Earthling,

  I’m happy to report that after a relaxing journey, I arrived safely on the Blarch space station.

  Once we went through a black hole we had lunch (banana-mushroom toasties) and were able to take part in various activities. I played a bored game with Andi called The Game of Death, which involves rolling a die and moving your ghost character round in a little coffin visiting various parts of the afterlife. The winner gets reincarnated into anyone they want. Andi won and chose to become an industrial fume extraction unit called Stanley (sometimes I seriously wonder what goes on in that metal head of his).

  Afterwards Andi wanted to play Squabble, but he always beats me because he has full dictionary software installed in his memory, so I convinced him to practice fruit and vegetable mimes with me instead. We’d worked our way through most of a greengrocer’s when Sergeant Megatron 5000 announced we were approaching Blarch Space Station and should all go back to our seats. We smoothly connected to the docking bay and were free to leave the space ship.

  A space station is like a mahoosive airport lounge with lots of shops and services. The cadets were told to go and explore for an hour or so then report back in time for tea at the Blarch View Pavilion.

  Andi and I hit the arcade first and played on the video games like Grime Fighter II (in which you have to clean up a city’s streets—literally) and Tonic the Hedge-podge (where your hedge-podge character whizzes around super fast gathering snapples).

  When we ran out of dollops we went to the free cinema and watched a short film about Blarch until it was time to meet up with the others. The film showed some of Blarch’s natural beauty spots such as the hot springs and mountain views, and it also had a bit about the Many-Clawed Beastie. In that segment slightly out of focus photos were shown of a tall, shaggy-furred creature. After, those who took the photos were interviewed about their experiences.

  It turns out that some people travel to Blarch especially to try and capture the Beastie, although nobody has managed it yet. Apparently it is very shy.

  This made me feel a bit happier because I’ll admit the information sheet we were given did worry me slightly, but Andi said it just made him more anxious, as he’d convinced himself that the Many-Clawed Beastie was a made up legend to make Blarch seem more interesting to tourists.

  When we’d joined up with the others we went to the Blarch View Pavilion and took in the breathtaking scene. A whole planet suspended in space before us took our minds off any worries.

  We had a lovely tea (avocado kebabs with a pistachio dip) before settling down to watch Sergeant Megatron 5000’s one-man play about robot history. I was very impressed by the number of costume changes (twenty-six), but to be honest, they all looked quite similar.

  Afterwards a Karry-Kroakie machine was wheeled out and we all tortured each other for the next few hours with warbling renditions of classic Crank songs. I chose to sing “Every Day I’m Snuffling,” a popular song about hedge-podges, and Andi sang “Can’t Rust This,” a catchy song about how modern robots are constructed from galvanised steel.

  Sergeant Megatron 5000 totally stole the show with his rendition of “We Will Shock You,” a foot stomping melody about the dangers of electrical sockets, which got us all up dancing and rounded the evening off nicely.

  I’m on the top level of an octo-bunk writing this (the name “space station” is misleading as conditions in here are fairly cramped), which is quite high up—I hope I don’t roll out of bed in my sleep.

  I promise I’ll write again tomorrow when we get to Blarch.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones.

  CHAPTER 27

  Dear Earthling,

  Something truly disastrous has occurred! We were paired up to shuttle down to Blarch. Naturally Andi and I chose to go together.

  Andi took the controls of the small shuttlecraft and we disengaged from the space station okay. But when we were about half way to Blarch, the worst possible thing happened—a meteor shower! It was only a tiny one, so naturally I offered to take over as Andi had hinted that he was going to let me have a go anyway (remember his wink?), and I thought that would be as good a time as ever. Andi, however, was in the grip of a mega meltdown—he was literally sweating oil and kept a vice-like grip on the joystick, refusing to let me take the controls.

  Before I knew it, the shuttle was hit by a meteor and we spun out of control! Lights flashed and buzzers sounded as we hurtled through space at an incredible speed. It’s all a blur at this point and I must have passed out. because the next thing I remember we had crash-landed somewhere.

  Andi was still sat upright, gripping the joystick. After whacking him round the head with a spanner, he snapped out of it, and we crawled from the wrecked shuttle to see where we were. I deduced that we were miles from anywhere, which was worrying to say the least.

  I went back into the shuttle to check if the communicator was working, but all of the electrics had burnt out. I’ve got to be honest here; I sat down for a good 5 minutes and sobbed my heart out at this point.

  Andi came over, patted my shoulder, and said “THERE,THERE. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT,” which made my blood boil. I totally lost it and told him exactly whose fault it was. All of my pent up anger came out at once in an explosive rant! After a while I calmed down and started to feel bad, seeing him stood there looking a bit lost and puzzled, so I apologised. Luckily the next thing he said was, “I CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU ARE SAYING. THE CRASH HAS MADE MY HEARING CHIP COME LOOSE.” To be honest it was probably me hitting him with that spanner that shook his chip loose, so as way of an apology I fetched a screwdriver and fixed it for him.

  Afterwards we dragged our supplies out of the shuttle to see what we had with us:

  Two sleeping sacks

  Flask (still a quarter full of lukewarm tea)

  Torch

  Half a packet of Holomunch

  Toothbrush (mine) and toothcloth (Andi’s)

  Mailington 220 (unfortunately this is set between my location and Earth, so I can’t alter it and send a message home)

  Also, Andi still had some cheese puffs in his snack dispenser (but we decided to save them for an emergency).

  The area in which we’d landed was at the base of a mountain, and Andi suggested we look for a water source nearby as we may be stranded for a wh
ile. I agreed, as by then I was getting thirsty (probably all that crying) and didn’t much fancy the stale tea.

  We’d walked for an hour or so when I spotted a cave with a little stream coming out from the side of it. Andi said it was perfect, as now we’d also have some shelter and defence from predators if we weren’t rescued for a while.

  After that he went off to look for some wood to start a fire, so I began writing this to take my mind off things. It’s starting to get dark, and I hope Andi is back soon. All that talk of predators has got me thinking about the dreaded Many-Clawed Beastie!

  Anyway, I’ve just seen Andi approaching, and he seems to be carrying wood and some sort of root vegetable—hopefully they taste nice, as I’m starving. I’ll write again tomorrow (if we survive the night). I wish there was some way you could send for help.

  Your friend,

  Dethbert Jones

  CHAPTER 28

  Dear Earthling,

  Thank you for writing back so quickly. It was very kind of you to e-mail NASA to see if they could assist me in any way. To be honest, I don’t think they have the technology, but it’s the thought that counts. Also, many thanks for the packet of Monster Crunch you sent to me. It may have gotten a little crushed in transit as it was basically a packet of crumbs—unless that is what Earth monsters eat? Anyway, it filled a hole in my stomach and my breath now smells rancid, which should keep any wild creatures at bay.

  The vegetables that Andi found had an interesting nutty flavour but were a bit tough, so we ended up eating the Holomunch and most of the cheese puffs, too.