Broken Notes

by Ann Marie Frohoff

  “Because it’s the truth.”

  “Okay, we get married, and I go to school back in LA, and then what?”

  “That’s different.”

  I huffed. He wasn’t making any sense. “Why is it different?” My stomach began to turn. “Because we won’t be together, and what? You’ll end up in someone else’s arms because you’ll be lonely?”

  “Because we’ll be married.” Jake held my hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing each fingertip. “Do you know that your parents are the only ones that I know of, out of all my friends, who seem to have done the marriage thing right?” He nodded. “I believe in that.”

  I could have melted, hearing his words and seeing the way he looked at me, with the most sincere expression of promise and love. But all I could think about was his mom, Kate, and Notting. I gulped. “Jake we don’t need a piece of paper. Kate and Notting never had a piece of paper, but have had each other’s hearts from beginning.” I squeezed his hand, shifting to face him directly. “Your dad…”

  “He’s not my dad,” Jake cut in bitterly, shaking his head. “You know I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. He didn’t want to be with my mother; he could have asked her for a divorce instead of cheating on her, and she and Notting could have been together a long time ago.”

  Jake took the words right out of my mouth. “Exactly. That’s what I was going to say. They had the piece of paper and it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.”

  “But it matters to me,” he said sternly, looking at me with forceful eyes. “But you know what? I’m done here.” He leaned over with his elbows on his knees, shaking his head. His next words were only a murmur, and they tore at my heart. “I’ve asked you to marry me I don’t know how many times. I’m not asking anymore. When you’re ready to marry me, just say when, and I’ll be there.” Jake stood and tucked his hands in his pant pockets and just stared down at me. “I think I’ve said that before too, but I mean it this time.”

  I had to pick my chin up from the ground. My nerves were shot, and I felt my eye twitching. A bit of anger bubbled.

  “Four years is a long time, Jake. Are you trying to tell me that while I’m in school, we’re free game?”

  He slumped. “I don’t wanna fight with you, Aly. I want you to be happy, but I’m not delusional in the fact that four months after you left London, you were hanging out with Sporto again.”

  “And you were still sleeping with Sophia,” I spat out resentfully and crossed my arms to my chest. “How dare you.”

  Jake stepped toward me. I wasn’t having it, and turned, swiftly walking away before I said more words I’d regret. He never admitted to sleeping with her after London, but I knew it my heart he had. How did it get like this? We were so happy just a couple of months ago. All because I wasn’t ready to be married and I wanted to go to school and follow my dreams?

  Jake sprinted in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my forehead and breathed me in. A huge lump formed in my throat. We just stood there, not moving, like mythical Greek statues: entwined forever, cast in our tragic star-crossed love affair.

  “What’s gonna happen?” The heat of my breath against Jake’s chest warmed my face. He held me tighter.

  “You tell me, Aly. It’s all in your court. What are you thinking?”

  I wanted to fall at his feet. The weight of our future sat upon my shoulders like a ton of bricks. “I was thinking I’d leave when you left on tour with Eva.” I felt Jake’s hold on me recede, and he took in a deep breathe. I pulled my arms from their tucked position between us and wrapped them around him. “You were right.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t be happy at NYU as soon as I saw you that day at practice.”

  “I’m sorry.” I began to cry. “I wanted it to be, I wanted it to work out so badly, Jake.”

  “Hey, stop.” He lifted my chin and kissed away my tears. “Aly we made it this far. Nothing’s gonna keep us apart. We’ll always find a way.”

  “I’m sorry about the apartment. All the money you’ve spent,” I sniveled. The guilt overwhelmed me.

  “That apartment is ours. It’ll always be there for you and me. You come whenever you want, even when I’m not there.” He kissed me softly on the lips, and the warmth of them made me weak. I ran my hands up under his shirt. Feeling his skin beneath my hands made me want all of him bare against me. The all-too-familiar yearning and desperation filled me.

  We were once again on borrowed time.

  21

  Jake

  The metal door handle was greasy beneath my hand. I released it as soon as my palm slid around. Disgusting, I thought. What was wrong with people? We’re in a financial institution for fuck’s sake! I looked around, wondering if the scumbag was inside, and I spotted a barrel-bellied man, tucked neatly into his black well-tailored suit, gnawing on a hotdog with sauerkraut dripping from the bun. You can buy nice things, but you can’t buy class. What a tool. It had to be him. Stupid fuck.

  I made my way to the bathroom of the American Express office to wash my hands. I was there to pick up a credit card that I’d decided to get Aly. She was leaving in a week. I wanted her to have the freedom to come and go from New York whenever she wanted. I wanted her to leave all her things in the apartment. She could buy whatever she needed when she got back to California; I wanted New York to be her second home.

  She was right. We didn’t need a piece of paper to be committed to each other, I told myself. I wasn’t looking forward to Aly’s departure, but as much as it was torturously at the forefront of my mind, I was in survival mode with my band shit. Dump was stable, and his bone marrow was testing clean: zero cancer. I was now hopeful that he’d survive, but it would still be a long haul until he’d be back on the road or in the studio with us. Devon had stepped in seamlessly and I was relieved, that was one less worry.

  I scratched my name down, Masters, and my representative’s name, Cheryl, and waited my turn. I watched Cheryl from a distance. She was tall, very attractive, yet an imposing woman in her mid-fifties with black shoulder-length hair and big, dark eyes. She always wore the same thing: a cream-colored blouse with a slim-fitting black knee-length skirt. She never deviated, and I wondered what she was like outside of work, she barely smiled at anyone, always business. I wondered if she smiled more at home. I watched as she said her goodbyes to an older couple and walked over to the reception desk, inquiring with the young studious girl who sat there. Cheryl looked up and waved me over, no smile.

  She extended her hand to me. “Hello Mr. Masters,” she nodded as she gripped my hand firmly. This woman seriously needed to get laid; she was too uptight. And then a personal question popped out of my mouth.

  “Cheryl, are you attached?” Her yes popped out with surprise, but she quickly settled back to her cool demeanor. “I’m sorry, I know it’s a very personal question. But I’ve been your client for years, and I was watching you now, and I’m just wondering.”

  “Why, do you want to ask me out on a date?” Her head tipped back. I could see her suppressing a smile as she pressed her lips tightly together. Ah ha! I got you! I thought, laughing internally. “I don’t date younger men, Mr. Masters.” She turned to face me directly as we reached her desk, and she gestured for me to sit. Her lips lifted upward (barely), and I couldn’t counter her assumption. Whether she was serious or not, I let it ride.

  “Fair enough,” I smiled, winking at her.

  Her mouth hinged open, then clamped shut, and an even bigger (for her) smile appeared on her face. She breathed in deeply, looking down at her hands as they pressed flatly into her desk. Without looking back at me, she turned to face her computer and began typing away.

  “Ah, I see. You’re here to pick up a credit card for an Alyssa Montgomery, correct?”

  “Yes, that’s correct.”

  Cheryl took a set of keys into her hand and unlocked her desk drawer, pulling out an envelope and handed it to me. “Ms. Montgomery has been added
as a joint account holder.” She paused, taking me in, and then she barely smiled at me, again. “You are aware that you will be responsible for any charges made to this account.”

  “Yes. I’m aware,” I nodded, smiling.

  Cheryl nodded back. “This type of account has no limit.”

  “Yes, I know that too.”

  She stared at me a bit longer, as if I’d lost my mind. I could tell she wanted to ask more questions, but her professionalism wouldn’t allow her to. “Very well.”

  I leaned in and decided to offer up some information. “I trust her.”

  She pursed her lips. “I certainly hope so, Mr. Masters. I’d hate to see someone take advantage of your generous, trusting nature.”

  I shook my head. “I’m only trusting with her. I’ve known her my entire life, since we were in grade school. She’s actually the only person in the whole world that I can say that about.”

  Cheryl’s face softened. “She’s a very lucky woman.”

  I contemplated her words. “No, I’m the lucky one.”

  ***

  After my visit with Cheryl, I stood outside, pulling at my shirt as it began to stick to me in the humidity. I watched the bustling street as the people and cars rushed by, and I thought about just walking to Dump’s for a quick visit. It was slightly cooler than it had been in days, and the thick rain clouds of a summer storm loomed, it would be nice to get rained on, I thought. I looked at my phone, and the time read 1:18 PM. Aly was still working out. I admired that in her; she was focused. I began to stroll toward 57th Street and watched the men and women as they approached me, none of them looking me in face. I was just another human, making my way to my destination. That’s what I loved about New York; blending in was easy to do. The city swallowed you up, churning you around in its mouth, not caring who or what you were. It would spit you out, dead or alive.

  I thought about making the move back to Los Angeles and pushed it out of my mind again. The truth of the matter was, I didn’t really want to. I held on to the dream that once Aly graduated college she would want to come back to New York. I was setting it all up to have her bicoastal. She would see soon enough that she could have the best of both worlds.

  It took me forty minutes to walk two miles to Dump and Sienna’s pad. I didn’t tell them I was coming, and hoped he was awake. When he answered the door, he was wearing a white surgical mask and looked as thin as I ever saw him, but the ashen look of near death was gone, and he was in good spirits.

  “How’s it?” I threw Dump a lopsided grin as I dropped down into a red leather chair. “You’re lookin’ good, brother.” I smiled, relieved that he was looking better.

  He just nodded and pressed his lips together in a tight smile. “Yeah, it feels good to feel good. I was so used to feelin’ like shit, I forgot how it was to feel normal.” He coughed, making a gurgling sound.

  “You feelin’ normal? That cough doesn’t sound good.”

  “Nah, far from it. This cough?” He pointed at this throat. “Smoker’s cough. I’m just happy the nausea is gone.” Dump shook his head. “Man, I really thought I was gonna die.”

  “I told you it wasn’t gonna happen, man!” I said excitedly. “That’s not in the plan. So what’s next for you?”

  He pursed his lips and sighed. “Not really sure. Just tryin’ to get healthy and get rid of this cough. Supposed to go back in a month for my three-month testing.”

  “What’s up? Why you lookin’ like that?”

  “I’m worried about Sienna,” he admitted and rubbed his hand over his face. He removed the mask, throwing it on table next to him. “I know I’ve been sick, but she’s afraid to come near me, like I have AIDS or somethin’.”

  “Dude, you gotta give her time, including yourself.”

  “And then she tells me she wants to have kids, but then she won’t fuckin’ touch me.”

  My stomach sank. “You guys have been through the wringer, man. Give her some time,” I repeated.

  “Maybe Aly can talk to her.” Hearing Aly’s name made my heart lurch. I hadn’t told him Aly was leaving.

  “Um…” I was at a loss for words, but Dump didn’t notice and kept talking.

  “I’m pretty sure I can’t give kids, man.” He leaned forward, agitated, covering his bald head with his huge hands.

  “What’s goin’ on?”

  “Dude, this fucking chemo shit ruins you. It destroys the ability to reproduce, like it fries your sperms’n shit. Chicks too; it dries you up, leaves you barren.”

  It dawned on me that I’d heard that before, but then, miracles happen. “You can’t be sure.”

  “I’m pretty sure.” He looked at me with sad eyes, and his gravely voice pitched higher. “I shoulda jerked off at a sperm bank to save my guys, man. I read about it after Sienna started getting all weird.”

  I could barely take what I was hearing. I had my own worries about Aly, and I felt like a dick for not wanting to get involved, but I had to do it for him. “I’ll talk to her.”

  I didn’t think I’d end up talking to her so soon, but as I walked out the door of their building, I heard her call my name. Sienna waved at me from the distance, smiling. She came trotting up to me, looking happy enough, and I wondered if Dump was just being paranoid.

  “Hey! It’s been a while.” She smiled, her teeth glowing bright white at me as she reached out and rubbed my bicep. “How are you?”

  “Great. I’m great.” I smiled back. I tried to sound convincing even though my stomach knotted tighter with each breath I took. “Just wanted to say hi.”

  “Where’s Aly?”

  My mouth clamped shut as I thought about how much I would divulge, and as soon as it did, Sienna knew something major was up. “You’re not breaking up, are you?”

  I shook my head no, and a lump grew in my throat – Motherfucker! I sniffed, gulping it down. “She’s leaving next week to go back to school in LA.”

  Her face fell, the smile wiped away by concern. “Are you okay?”

  “As good I can be, I guess.” I shrugged. “Look, we’re gonna be fine. The band is leaving anyway for three months or more, and it’s probably for the best right now.” What else was I gonna say? I wanted to believe it.

  Her hazel eyes flickered. “You wanna grab a drink?”

  Huh? “What’s your vice? Sprite?” I smirked, knowing she didn’t hit the hard stuff.

  “Vodka soda these days.”

  I almost choked, coughing it out. “How does Dump feel about that?”

  “I don’t drink at home,” she said, looking away from me.

  I stepped back to get a better look at her. She looked put together, wearing a cream sleeveless blouse, neatly tucked into a pair of cut-off denim shorts. Her long legs met a pair of flat metallic-colored sandals. I felt for Dump. If the cancer didn’t kill him, losing Sienna certainly would. “Are you okay?”

  She licked her lightly glossed lips and ran her hand through her long brown hair, looking up at the sky, then laughed nervously. I knew that kind of laugh. I made that kind of laugh. “I’m not turning into an alcoholic, if that’s what you’re alluding to.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Jake, this whole fucking thing with Dump has taken its toll. Don’t you fucking judge me for having a few drinks. I’m not the one who’s had problems.” She glared at me, adjusting her white leather fringed bag on her shoulder.

  I held my hands up. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just surprised. You were always the one telling us how stupid we were for drinking.”

  “That’s when we were in high school, and I didn’t know what real life stresses were.” She looked disgusted with me. What the hell?

  “Hey, calm down.”

  “Sorry I asked.” She turned away sharply and walked toward her building’s front doors. “I’ll talk to you later. Dump’s expecting me back anyway,” she muttered. It was obvious to me she wanted to talk; Dump didn’t have to worry about that after all. All I had in me, thou
gh, was to wave at her. She turned back one last time before she walked through the door.

  “We’ll have a drink next week after Aly leaves,” I shouted, making sure she would hear me. She looked at me expressionlessly and disappeared when the doors swung shut. I stood there dumbly, staring at the doors, waiting for her to come back out. She never did.

  I don’t know how long I stood there staring before it started raining on me. I didn’t care that I was getting soaked. It felt good. The air was warm as I walked on, thinking about everything and nothing at all. As soon as it stopped raining and the clouds parted, the sun hit the pavement, sending visible waves of moisture up all around, making the humidity triple. I didn’t know how long it took me to walk all the way home, either, but my shirt was somewhat dry and the sun hung low over Central Park.

  Aly was sitting on the sofa with a bowl of grapes in her lap when I came through the door. She stopped chewing as soon as she saw my condition and sat up on the edge of her seat.

  “What happened? Are you okay?” she asked urgently, tearing the towel from her head.

  “I’m fine, just walked home and got rained on.” I laughed it off.

  She stood, sashaying over to me, and her perky boobs danced underneath her nearly see-through slip dress. She looked closely at my face and I stopped myself from grabbing them. Instead, I wrapped my hands up underneath her arms. She softly rubbed my forehead and ran her hands through my semi-damp air.

  She sighed before she spoke. “One week.”

  I tensed up. “Don’t remind me.” She began unbuttoning my shirt, and I grabbed her wrists. I wanted to beg her not to leave, and kissed her instead when her fresh scent penetrated my senses. Chills ran up my arms as we held each other tightly. “I can’t live the kinda life I wanna live without you, Alycat.”

  She held my face with her hands and kissed me. Her tongue swept the inside of mouth. “Ditto.” She kissed me harder and whispered, “We’re gonna make this work, right?”