Broken Notes

by Ann Marie Frohoff

  “I’m gonna do my best,” I reassured her. I picked her up, cradling her, and walked into our bathroom. Aly sucked at my neck as I gently dropped her down. Her hand wrapped around my arousal, making me moan. “Fuck, I want you,” Aly whimpered and stomped her foot.

  “What, baby?” I rasped, and kissed her hard and deep, guiding her toward the shower. “Let’s get wet.”

  “I can’t. I just started,” she whined, and it took me a second to realize what she’d meant by it.

  “So what, we’ll be in the shower.” I lifted her slip up and over her head, exposing her perfect contours, dropping it to the floor. I ran my hands over her ass, grasping it firmly, pressing myself against her pelvic bone.

  She sighed into my ear. “Why do you do this to me?” she griped, looking me in the eyes. “It totally sucks being turned on when you’re on the rag, just so you know, but I’m really not in a good way today.” She wagged her finger at me. “The first day is always the worst.”

  “I don’t care,” I asserted and kissed her tenderly, trying to coax her into it. We’d never done it when she was on the rag, but I didn’t care one bit. I used to think I’d care, claiming that I’d never fuck anyone like that, but with Aly it was different. I wanted her all the time, no matter. “It’ll be fine.”

  “I’ll tell you what,” she smiled seductively and reached into the shower, turning it on. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

  “Oh but I wanna worry about you,” I countered. She stepped into the shower, pulling me in with her.

  “You can make it up to me in a few days.”

  “A few days?” I shook my head, pained. “That’s too long. I’m not gonna see you for a couple months, unless you promise to come to see me. Promise to meet me somewhere.”

  Warm water cascaded over our bodies, pooling between our chests. Aly rested her cheek against my shoulder. “I’ll try. I promise.”

  I was never one to get blown standing up (if I had a choice), and we ended up dripping wet in our bed. With my obsession of having her in the shower, this had become a thing with us. I was an easy John when it came to Aly’s mouth being wrapped around me, and watching her have me in the mirror was like watching our own porn movie. I was gratified within minutes, but I wanted more, and I wanted to please her.

  Aly darted off into the bathroom as soon as I was finished. “You need to get back here. I’m not done with you,” I shouted. “Hurry your sexy ass up!”

  She crept back out holding a towel, wiping her face. “I told you.” She smiled demurely, standing next the bed looking down at me. “This was my gift to you.”

  I smirked. “Get over here.” I grabbed her wrist, yanking her down next to me, and she squealed, giggling. I loved her laugh. “I got a little present for you too.”

  ***

  The scent of her was overpowering. I tasted her, the sweet bitterness of the dark chocolate she always ate before bed. I felt her, the silkiness of her skin, and my favorite spot on her entire body, her hipbone. Sweet citrus penetrated my senses, as if she just crawled in bed with me after her usual long bath, but she wasn’t there. It wasn’t real. I rolled over, opening my eyes. The bed was still tucked in neatly where she used to lay, I’d barely moved all night. The pill did its job. Ambien. Thank God for the miracles of modern medicine. I’d not slept in five days. Sienna swore by it, and I was desperate, so I took it, making myself feel better with the knowledge it was non-narcotic.

  I’d be needing more of those Ambien pills, I was sure of it.

  Since Aly left, I’d been in high gear, prepping to leave for our tour with Eva James. My nights were spent in an obsessive vacuum of what ifs. The guilt of not taking my mother’s calls (we’d still yet to talk about Notting) and the pressure of the next record was driving me crazy. Our four-song EP was blowing minds and selling well, but I felt clipped, unable to spread my wings.

  There hadn’t been a melody in my head in a while, and no words that would string together either. It made me anxious. I’d never had a block like this, ever. I didn’t know which way to go. All I knew was that I couldn’t get Aly off my mind, wondering what she was doing at every free second I had. I didn’t want to come off as needy, refraining from constantly texting her. She seemed to be fine with her decision to go back to California.

  The hollowness I felt inside made me growl as I threw the covers off of me. Heavy-footed, I went searching for my phone, finding it attached to its charger in the kitchen. When I saw a string of notifications on my phone, my heart leapt, hoping to see Aly’s name. Nothing. There was one from Sienna, and my heart seized when I read the message.

  - DUMP IS IN THE HOSPITAL. PLEASE CALL ME ASAP.

  I didn’t call. I went straight to the hospital.

  22

  Alyssa

  The fog was as thick as a rain cloud. I couldn’t see the water. You wouldn’t think the Pacific Ocean was even there if you didn’t hear the waves crashing at the shore. I could barely see the volleyball courts nearest my position above on The Strand. The weather mirrored my mood: grey and weighty. My hair was accumulating moisture as I stood there. I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over it, blowing into my hands and then stuffing them into its pouch pocket while I waited for my new trainer, Craig, to show up. Craig Hamner was a sand volleyball gold medal Olympian.

  I also had a new partner. Her name was Emerson Willet. I’d known Emerson from my early club volleyball days. She was 6’2 and quick as a whip, considering her height and build. I was looking forward to playing with her.

  I looked over each shoulder searching for them, glancing at the dog walkers and joggers getting their day started at 8 AM. Jake popped in my head for the ten-millionth time, and my heart grew heavier. I’d received a text from him just an hour prior. I never answered it because I was rushing to leave for the beach.

  Dump was in the hospital. He had pneumonia. Not a good sign. They were running tests. I was confused by this news, because Jake had just told me that Dump was doing better and his tests had come back clean, cancer free. How could this be? My first thought when the words sunk into my head was to get on the next plane back to New York, to be there for Jake. Thinking of the credit card he’d given me, it would be so easy. I took out my phone and replied.

  - AT THE BEACH TRAINING. I’M SO SORRY TO KNOW ABOUT DUMP. I’LL BE PRAYING. I’LL CALL SOON. I LUV U.

  All I knew was when cancer returned, it wasn’t good news, it was basically a death sentence. I prayed that this wasn’t the case. My stomach tightened just thinking about poor Sienna. Holy shit, what she must be going through. I shook my head, forcing myself to stay in the present, wondering where the hell Craig and Emerson could be. Looking at the time on my phone, it was now 8:15 AM. I went to step down the stairs to go wait on the sand when I heard my name being called out.

  My heart rose up my throat hearing Nathan’s familiar voice. I whipped my head around, and Nathan was smiling at me, bundled in sweat pants. He had his hood over his head, like I did. His green eyes sparkled as he searched my face, and my breath caught. I was surprised at my reaction to seeing him in the flesh.

  What were the odds that I’d see him, right there at that moment, right when I was to text Jake?

  “What are you doing here?” He was just as shocked to see me. I’d never mentioned to anyone, other than my family (not even to Nadine. She’d certainly have choice words for me), that I was coming home. I was embarrassed that New York didn’t work out, like I’d failed; like Jake and I failed, again. I didn’t want the pessimists or my haters to have their fist-pumping moment. I wanted to focus on me: training and college – but now Nathan stood before me. I didn’t know what to feel, because my heart was hammering in my chest so thoroughly it brought on tunnel vision.

  I smiled, taking a few tentative steps towards him, not knowing whether to hug him or what. He made the choice for me and closed the divide between us, wrapping his rock-hard arms around me. His familiar scent of freshly-washed laundry swathed my senses. I hugg
ed him back and pulled away quickly, giving him a wry smile. “Surprise!”

  He laughed. “That’s it?”

  I sighed. “Change of plans,” I said, throwing him a meek grin.

  “Did you guys break up?”

  My hands went numb. Way to dive right in, Nathan, I thought. “No. I just decided that Pepperdine was the best choice after realizing that NYU wasn’t gonna do it for me.”

  He nodded. His penetrating gaze sent a prickly vibe down my spine, making me look away. “I’m supposed to meet my new partner right now, but I don’t know where they are.” I looked past him, as if that was what really mattered. What mattered was that I not pass out – I was struggling for air.

  Nathan backed away from me, severing the tension that made my mouth go dry. “Okay, well. Um…” Now he was the one looking around. “I guess I’ll be seein’ you.”

  “Okay.” I gave him a tight smile, feeling totally awkward because my tongue was wedged to the roof of my mouth.

  “Maybe we can catch up sometime.” He tipped his head shyly, endearing me to him. I DON’T WANT TO BE ENDEARED! STOP IT! I screamed in my head.

  “Sure.” I swallowed hard, desperate for moisture. I agreed without wanting to (or did I?). I watched him as he jogged away, disappearing into the fog.

  What. The. Fuck.

  Now I was totally pre-occupied with the urgency to talk to Nadine. Oh man, is she gonna kill me. I had to get to her before Nathan did. Taking out my phone I saw that Jake replied, but I didn’t read it. I sent Nadine a text first.

  - I’M HOME. LONG STORY. CALL ME FIRST BEFORE YOU TALK TO OR ANSWER NATHAN.

  Just when I was about to read Jake’s text, I heard Craig’s voice calling out my name. He and Emerson were on the sand. How long had I been there, with Nathan? It could only have been a few minutes, but I felt like we’d stopped time. Damnit. I rushed down the stairs and scurried across the sand to meet them.

  ***

  The hour and a half of practice was just what I needed to smooth down my frayed emotions, keeping my mind focused. Jake, Nathan and Nadine were at bay, but as soon as I was alone, I was consumed by all of them, shouting at me for attention, seeing their faces as clear as day in my mind. There were ten missed calls from Nadine and as many texts messages to match. I opened to read Jake’s first.

  - ALYCAT, WHAT I WOULDN’T GIVE TO HAVE YOU NEXT TO ME RIGHT NOW. PRAY FOR DUMP.

  My hand covered my mouth and I pressed hard on my lips as I held back tears. I wanted to go to Jake so badly. I looked up at the beachfront homes that lined the oceanfront and wondered how many of the owners were going through something similar, having a loved one knocking on death’s door. Tears ran down my face as I questioned my choice of leaving New York. I missed Jake, and I wanted to feel his touch so badly.

  - I’LL PRAY. PLS GIVE SIENNA A BIG HUG FOR ME.

  Jake replied right away:

  - PLS LOOK AT THE TOUR SCHED & LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU CAN VISIT & BUY YOUR TICKET. I WANT SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

  I recounted the days in my head. The band was leaving on tour tomorrow.

  ***

  “What the hell is going on? What. Is. Going. On?!” Nadine demanded to know, brushing the hair from her face. She was flushed. She’d ditched work and rushed over to meet me at The Kettle. She sat wide-eyed, waiting for me to answer as I chewed the French fries I kept shoving in my mouth. She grabbed my hand before I could stuff any more in.

  I nodded, chewing faster, gulping them down. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to come home. It was all an upsetting blur. I didn’t want to burden you with my continuing Jake saga.”

  Nadine let go of my hand, and I wiped my fingers on a napkin. She sighed. “Did you break up?” She looked away, not noticing as I began to shake my head no. She shook her head, too. “I can’t believe Marty didn’t tell me.”

  “I don’t think he knew,” I said, taking a sip of my iced-tea.

  She looked back at me. “What drama? Did you break up?” she asked again.

  “No.” I slumped, “I’m just here, and he’s just…somewhere.”

  Nadine cringed. “That doesn’t sound good.”

  “I know and it makes me sick. There’s this big void inside.” I clutched my stomach. “He told me to pick a date on the tour to come see him. I’ll do that when I get home.”

  Nadine’s forehead creased, and she frowned at me. “Wow, is all I gotta say.”

  “What? No Nadine wisdom? No ‘suck it up Alyssa, you guys are gonna be okay’? You’re not giving me any hope with that look on your face.”

  “What do you want me to say?” Nadine grabbed a French fry and ate it while I watched and waited. “Well, school’s already started, what are you doing?”

  “I’m starting in the spring. I’m training now, and I’ll see about getting a job. You know, settle back in.” Just as I said those words, I felt a gust of cool wind blowing at my back from some jerk off holding the door open too long. When I turned to throw an evil eye at whomever it was, I saw it was Nathan (of all freaking people), holding the door open for three of his buddies. I quickly turned around, hoping he wouldn’t notice me.

  “Shit.” Nadine said under her breath.

  “Did he see us?” I said in a low voice. Nadine smiled and waved. Yep, he must be staring at us, I thought. I took a French fry and pretended to be into it.

  “Hey Nathan.” She smiled politely.

  “Hey girls.” His deep, gentle voice tickled my ears, and I swiveled my head and watched him walk by.

  “Hey,” I said in return, smiling. My heart raced, and I wondered why he was having this affect on me. I knew I had missed him too, but this reaction?

  “You’re pink.” Nadine’s eyes narrowed in on me.

  “What?”

  She shook her head. “What’s going on with you?”

  “I don’t know, Nadine. I ran into him this morning on The Strand,” I huffed. “Aren’t you guys supposed to be in school or something?”

  “I was at work, Betch,” her eyebrows cocked upward. “And besides, college isn’t like high school, Aly. You can pick and choose your schedule.” She glanced in Nathan’s direction.

  I pinched her knee, and she looked back at me, scowling. “Owww,” she protested under her breath. “What the fuck?”

  “Don’t look over there. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.”

  “Oh, Alyssa.” She was dismayed. For the first time, I didn’t think Nadine knew what to do with me.

  ***

  I sat in the middle of my bed, in my childhood home, as I always had, like nothing had changed, as if my time with Jake had been nothing but a intense hallucination. His words echoed in my head – “Everything with you has always been a dream.” It really did feel like that. Vivid enough to leave an impression, but nothing tangible ever remained, with the exception of longing and heartbreak. The only proof I had that New York really happened were the pictures in my phone and the black American Express Card I held in my hand. I’d just finished studying Jake’s tour schedule and strung together some dates that spanned across Florida, Alabama and Tennessee. I purchased my plane fare, one-way, into Miami. I would be joining Jake on tour in just a few weeks. As much as I looked forward to being with him, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel being stuffed inside a tour bus with six grown men and who knows whom else.

  Maybe I wasn’t cracked up to be a rock star’s girlfriend, let alone…wife. My breath hitched at the thought. I could be his wife right this very second…always to be cast off to the side, peering over the crowd of clamoring fans, or alone, like now. Alone, alone, alone. This thought made me stare at the ring he’d given me, snugly wrapped around my finger, the promises embedded with every shimmering stone. Maybe it wouldn’t really be that way. I shrugged to myself. Sienna was a rock star’s wife and she loved it. Sienna came and went. She had her own life, too, working as a model and traveling the world.

  I pictured Jake’s bright blue eyes. They held another world, along with his stron
g hands…and his thighs…and arms…and lips…and tongue. Kill me. Lust left me tingly and wanting him. I really did want to be his wife – his everything, as he wrote so many times – but after, after I finished school. I sank deeper into my pillows, feeling so utterly alone.

  I’m not sure why school was so important to me, but it was, regardless of wanting to make my parents happy. I wanted something of my own. I didn’t care if I didn’t have to work, that Jake would and could provide for me. I wanted to do something worthwhile; I just wasn’t sure exactly what that was, yet. I envied that in Jake; he always knew. Sure, I had volleyball, but that was just the start to an ending somewhere else. I was looking forward to the journey.

  I was tired and feeling lonely, wishing Nadine was around. I even tried to text my long-lost friend Marshall, only to find out we crossed each other mid-air. He was on his way to Boston to meet up with Bobby and the band. My stomach burned with jealousy, even though I didn’t want to be there. At least I would have a fly on the wall to keep an eye on Eva James. I loathed her, knowing she would try to make a move on Jake every chance she got.

  It was late, and I wanted to evaporate into a dream state. I craved the feeling of Jake’s hands running across my skin, his lips and tongue caressing every inch of me. The thought of it made me touch myself, and I had to hear his voice. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number.

  23

  Jake

  As my band made their way to Pennsylvania from Boston for our next gig, I hopped on a plane.

  Beep. Beep. Beep – the sound of the machines monitoring patients filled the air.

  Life turns on a dime, I thought, shaking my head. Where did that saying come from, anyway? I was curious to know, and thought about googling it as I stepped away from Dump’s hospital room. I leaned against the wall glancing around at the nurses, doctors, and other hospital staff in their muted pastel-colored scrubs. The doctors, with their white coats and mussed hair, all looked frazzled. Everyone seemed to be staring at a clipboard or a computer screen. The low hum of voices and machines tangled together with the smell of antiseptic and sickness.