Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  "I told you already, this competition is enormous." Mark speeds up and I trot behind him.

  "Aren't you nervous? I mean, it's one thing playing at a bar on campus, but this place is...something else!" I point at the crowd, a little frightened. I wouldn't even make it onto the stage, never mind be able to play and sing.

  Mark wraps an arm around my shoulder. "But we're awesome, Babe, and don't you forget it!"

  He gives me a quick kiss on the temple and holds me tight against his body, almost dragging me forward, lifting me up so I can hardly feel the ground beneath my feet.

  My eyes meet Ben's immediately, as if we were looking for each other in a crowd.

  "Let's see if it's true you only kissed and there's nothing between you two," Mark teases, and it's too late when I understand what he means. He wraps his arms tightly around my waist as we walk over to the group, then rests his chin on my shoulder, holding me so close, so intimately, I want to kick him in the shins. Why does he have to provoke Ben like this? He'd better not come running to me if Ben takes it out on him.

  Ben's gaze moves first from his brother's arms to my stomach, then back to Mark. "What are you doing?" he asks, adopting a neutral tone which the other guys can’t hear.

  "What I always do." Mark laughs, softly planting a kiss on my cheek. "Why? Am I doing something I shouldn't?" he adds.

  I roll my eyes and try to wriggle out of his grip. "Stop it," I hiss, so low only he and Ben can hear.

  "What's wrong? Should I behave differently now just because you guys kissed?" he whispers the last word theatrically. "I mean, there's nothing going on with you guys, right?" He feigns innocence and the look on his face makes me want to laugh, but I hold back.

  "I knew I shouldn't have told you anything!" I elbow him in the stomach and he lets go.

  "Mark." Ben's voice is so cold it almost makes me stand to attention.

  "Ben..." replies his brother, laughing out loud, but taking a step back because he knows he's playing with fire.

  "As of now, there's no more touching her like that and fuck it, while we're at it, no more sleeping in her bed."

  Wow!

  Mark laughs out loud again and slaps his brother on the back. "Looks like I won't need to now, anyway..." He walks away, leaving us alone with our embarrassment.

  I was so caught up in my paranoid thoughts that I left out one important detail. What was I going to say when I saw him again? Shit. I'm so embarrassed my heart is pounding in my chest.

  "What did he mean by that?" He takes a step forward and I instinctively take a step back. His broad smile drives me crazy and I stare at his lips like I'm in a daze. I want to kiss him, to wrap my arms around his neck, and taste his lips all over again.

  "I don't know," I reply softly.

  "Of course you do. You know everything about him."

  I know too much, actually.

  "Okay, he sleeps with me when Casey comes over..." I swallow the lump in my throat and pull my shoulders back.

  "And who says Casey won't be 'coming' anymore?" he teases, trying to provoke me, smiling like an asshole, as he places imaginary quotes around the word 'coming', then folds his arms.

  "I don't know? Will she still be coming?" I mimic his position and adopt the world's most bored expression.

  "Depends. Are you going to dump your boyfriend?" He raises an eyebrow. His gaze pins me to the ground, making me feel so small.

  Dammit! Holding his gaze, I unfold my arms and slip my hands into the back pockets of my shorts. His expression grows dark when he realizes I'm not going to answer.

  "Exactly." He turns and leaves me here like an idiot, breathlessly trying to find something to say.

  He strolls over to his friends, chatting calmly, probably discussing the set list, last minute adjustments, or the way the stage is set.

  He makes it sound so easy. Leave Leonardo. Who'd have thought a simple change in time zones would be enough to make me lose my head for another guy? The idea that something like this could happen never even occurred to me. And yet, that's just what happened. From buying that second-hand car I love so much to realizing that my best friend is a kid who's so full of life that he thinks he knows everything about the world, who faces everything with such calm and stubbornness that it makes me envious. I wish I was as bold as him, as optimistic. Mark lives in the present, he makes decisions impetuously, based entirely on what makes him feel good in that moment. Here today, tomorrow, who knows. He's not like me, clinging to the apparently perfect life I left behind in Rome and to which I'm going to inevitably have to return.

  And then there's Ben. Benjamin Carter. Just thinking of his name makes the ground tremble beneath my feet. I can't define what I feel for him. Is it transgression? Am I throwing myself headlong into my new American life, trying desperately to be someone I'm not? Or, perhaps, quite simply, I wasn't myself in Rome, surrounded by the oppressive memory of my mother, in the house where her scent still lingers? The perfect daughter of a perfect man, living in a perfect apartment, surrounded by perfect people, with her perfect boyfriend. And where does Ben fit in to all this? How do I fit him into my already perfectly planned life?

  The guy who walks sleepily into the kitchen not caring whether or not it's appropriate to sit down for breakfast with your pecs to the wind. The guy who plays in a rock band and writes beautiful songs between classes at college.

  He doesn't understand how trapped I feel, how tormented I am at the idea of letting him into my life, because that would mean throwing it all away for a brief, intense but short-lived adventure. I don't know if I can risk turning my life upside down for a person who'll soon no longer be a part of my life. However, the heart wants what it wants, even if what it wants is so wrong and so damn right at the same time.

  He wants to sleep with Casey? Then let him. I'll go crazy with jealousy if I have to, but I can't fight for someone who, in the end, will never be mine anyway.

  I know it's hypocritical. Ben is exciting. He pushes me to the limit, making me reveal a side of my character I never even knew existed but Leonardo...he's a real part of my life and doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

  Yet...I can't take my eyes off Ben. He takes his shirt off and uses it to wipe the sweat from his chest. He's so beautiful he takes my breath away. The way he moves, so casual, so confident and in control, is sheer perfection.

  Mark comes over and wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in close for a quick kiss on the cheek. The girls are chatting about something, but my head is too full of the intense events of this afternoon to concentrate on anything else.

  "Ciao, Cat-Babe." A beer materializes in his hand and he passes it over. "I got you this."

  "Thanks!" I take a generous swallow of the ice cold beer. "Are you nervous?"

  "Nope." One look at his cocky grin and I know he's telling the truth. "How about you? Are you nervous?"

  I smile. Has he read my mind? "Me? Why should I be nervous? I'm not the one who has to sing in front of two thousand people.” I nudge him lightly in the stomach.

  "Ben seems a little freaked out," he whispers in my ear. "I don't know what you said, but he's pretty pissed."

  He's being kind but I know he's scolding me. Tonight is too important, I should have said something before, tried to reassure Ben.

  I hide my face against his chest. "He wants me to promise something and I'm not sure I can," I explain, embarrassed.

  "Can’t you make a little effort, just for tonight? I'm not asking you to make empty promises, but if you could speak to him, it might calm him down." He kisses me on the cheek again then lets me go. Before I can reply he's gone, knowing already I'll do what he asked.

  I turn toward the guys, and see Ben sitting to the side, studying a sheet of paper. Every now and then, he scribbles something in pencil.

  What makes Mark think I have the power to calm his brother down? Or that he's tense because of something I might have said?

  I walk over, holding my beer with two hands, alm
ost clinging to it. "Hi, are you ready?" I ask, all in one breath, standing in front of him.

  He glances up and tries to control his smile. "Yup, guess so."

  His eyes are on the bottle of beer in my hands and he looks me up and down reproachfully.

  "Mark gave it to me," I blurt in explanation.

  "Okay." He looks down again, concentrating on the lyrics on the paper.

  "I...er...didn't reply before because...I didn't know what to say."

  He looks up at me again. His green eyes are hypnotic and I feel my heart pounding. He puts the sheet of paper down on the chair next to him and stands up.

  "Do you still love him?" he asks, with no sign of hesitation, taking me by surprise. His way of doing things, his directness, catches me off guard every time. There's no mincing words with Ben, he gets straight to the point. For him everything is either black or white.

  "Yes...of course, I do..." The words fly straight out of my mouth. It's as if my brain goes onto automatic pilot when it comes to Leo. I don't even know if I still love him, but I do know I have to protect him. I owe him that much.

  "I can't be with a girl ’whose heart and mind belong to someone else. You're mine or you're his. I don’t share." His tone is so sharp it's like a knife plunging into me.

  "It's not that easy, Ben. You're asking me to make a big decision on short notice."

  "I think, deep down, you've already decided. You knew what you wanted the moment I kissed you, or you wouldn't have let me, never mind let me do all the other stuff." He moves closer and leans his forehead against mine. "Tell me it's not true."

  "I don't know how I feel about Leo, okay? Why do you want me say it out loud?" I reply, annoyed.

  "Because you have to listen to yourself when you talk and because you should never be afraid to say what you think, even if other people don't agree. If you love him, it's okay, if you don't love him, then that's okay, too, as long as you're honest with yourself."

  Hot, intelligent guys are the absolute worst. If you count the fact that Ben is also very intuitive, extremely direct, and too self-confident, that makes him the worst of the absolute worst.

  He holds me close, his lips moving softly against my cheek, making me shiver. Each time he touches me, a fire breaks out in my chest. I nod slowly, unable to move.

  "We're up soon," he whispers into my hair, and I know I have to let him go. I don't want to but I have to. He lets me go and picks up the sheet of paper from the chair. "Stay close to the stage and don't lose sight of the girls, there are a lot of drunks out there. Promise?" His sweet smile is so disarming.

  "Promise." I hold up my fingers and sarcastically count off what I can and can't do: "No drinks from strangers, don't talk to anyone, and don't move from the stage."

  He laughs and holds me close again, this time kissing me lightly on the lips. "Black or white shirt?" he asks as if it were the most important thing in the world.

  "White!"

  He nods and walks back to the band.

  I join the girls, looking down at my shoes. I just hope they didn't see me talking with Ben because I don't feel like answering their questions right now.

  The guys wouldn't tell us what songs they have on their setlist and we're betting on whether or not they'll play the new song they've been working on in the garage all week.

  Ben's the first on stage, greeted by a horde of girls all screaming and whistling. I don't blame him. He’s so gorgeous it makes me dizzy. Erika grabs my hand and pulls me over to where Abby and Jessica are standing, "Come on, let's get to the front."

  I nod and let myself be led toward the barriers that separate the stage from the public.

  "Tell me again how this works?" I ask for the hundredth time, feeling excited.

  She rolls her eyes. "Fifteen bands play tonight, only seven get through to the next round. First place gets the chance to record an album and play ten cities on the East Coast. Second place gets to record five songs and open five concerts for famous bands here in Florida. And third place gets to record two songs..." She takes a sip of her beer while I focus on Ben setting up his mic and guitar.

  Mark strolls on stage and greets the crowd, which goes wild. Ryan and Kris are ready and, as usual, Mark takes the mic. With his sexy voice and rock star behavior, he shouts encouraging phrases out to the public, warming them up.

  "How many songs are they playing?" I ask Erika, unable to take my eyes off the stage.

  "Four. Two covers, two of their own." She holds onto my arm and we both jump when Ben starts the song with a loud chord from his electric guitar. Two seconds later the rest of the band joins in.

  For their first song, they've chosen “The Boys of Summer”, by the Ataris.

  "Purrrrfect!" squeals Erika, perforating my eardrum.

  Jessica and Abby jump around, singing, and so does the entire audience. Erika lets go of my arm and starts dancing wildly, bouncing up and down like crazy. I can't move. I'm grinning from ear to ear but I'm paralyzed, my legs are shaking, and I'm covered in goose bumps.

  Benjamin is perfect. His voice is clear and on pitch and the way he leans into the mic when he sings, his lips almost touching it, makes me want to leap on stage and kiss him. Well, come to think of it, whatever he does makes me want to kiss him. He looks down at his guitar then looks out at the crowd as he starts the chorus again. The setting sun creates a surreal atmosphere and his eyes are so bright it almost hurts to look at him. He smiles as he sings, completely at ease on stage and in control of the situation.

  Mark leans into his mic and sings a couple of verses with his brother before they let rip in a battle of the guitars, standing face-to-face as they play, totally lost in the music, the screaming crowd, and the general excitement.

  The first song ends and the crowd goes crazy. Finally I come out of my trance. I finish my beer in one swallow and join my friends, ready to have fun.

  The next song is one of their own. I don't remember the title but I do remember almost falling off my chair a couple of months ago when Jessica told me they wrote it themselves. I'm almost envious of their talent and discipline. I start a thousand things but only finish a miserable ten percent, but Benjamin is devoted, focused, and a great leader.

  Erika and I freak out, bouncing from side to side. The sweat's running down my back, my hair's glued to my neck but I don't care.

  Ben looks down at me for a couple of seconds and sees me jumping and screaming like crazy. He smiles then concentrates on the song again. His voice sounds incredible, as it blasts out of the speakers and echoes inside my stomach.

  "They're awesome!" Jessica shouts over the music, her hand around her mouth. "Go, guys!!!" And she leaps around like a madwoman.

  I hardly notice when the second song ends and the third starts. The notes of “Take my Hand” by Simple Plan fill the air and the audience joins in, singing along. Suddenly, I realize I know the words, too.

  Abby's squeals drill right through my ears, straight to my brain. She wraps her arms around me and Jessica, singing at the top of her voice. After two sips of beer she's already drunk.

  I reach out and grab Erika's hand. I feel so good, nothing else exists except my friends, and the warm embrace that unites us.

  Ryan frowns and concentrates on his instrument, Kris is drumming wildly while Mark is focused on his guitar. Ben shuts his eyes and throws back his head, putting his whole self into singing the lines of the song. His perfect mouth, those full, moist lips that can, apparently, do everything. They can sing, talk, and make women scream with pleasure...

  You’re mine or you’re his. I don’t share.

  My heart is in my mouth and my eyes fill with tears, tears of emotion.

  "Oh my God. Here we go!" Abby squeals as the third song finishes. "Are they going to play it or not?" She covers her mouth in anxious anticipation and I realize she's talking about the new song.

  "I think so." Jessica wipes away a tear. Erika puts an arm around her waist and kisses her. "I'm sorry, it's just that they're
so good."

  She looks so sweet, she almost makes me cry, too.

  "I think so, too..." I don't know why I'm speaking, I never usually join in when they're discussing the band. They have a thousand stories to tell and sometimes I don’t really feel part of their group, as if I don't really have anything to say.

  "This next song is our latest...." Mark's warm, sexy voice blasts out from the speakers. Ben adjusts his guitar and says something to Ryan. "Are you ready, Tampaaaa? Thanks for having us. Give me a sign..."

  Abby freezes and grabs hold of my arm, squeezing so tight she almost blocks the circulation. The song starts slow, with Ben's voice is floating in the air on the sweet notes of the keyboard.

  "Oh my God!" Jessica screams, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  The rhythm is rapid, pounding, and Ben sings the lyrics so fast, I wouldn't understand them if I hadn't already ready them. I stand here like an idiot until Ben's eyes meet mine and remain glued to my face. He winks and I feel the ground open beneath me in a chasm so deep I can't see the bottom, even as I tumble into it, unable to stop.

  He can't have written this for me.

  The song ends to loud applause and deafening screams. Ben's dripping with sweat. He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand and runs his fingers over the wide leather band he always wears on his wrist when he plays.

  When they come off stage we run to the steps to greet them. Still crying, Jessica throws herself into Ben's arms, whispering in his ear. I wanted to be the first to congratulate him, but Mark picks me up and spins me around so fast it makes me scream.

  "Mark, you were fantastic. It was amazing!" I hold him tight, watching Ben out of the corner of my eye.

  The guys are all high-fiving, slapping each other on the back. They're in such high spirits they can hardly stand still.

  Finally I manage to get close to Ben, the star of the group, the owner of the most beautiful voice I've ever heard, but just as I reach out to touch him, a girl pulls me away so aggressively that I almost fall over as she leaps into his arms.