Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  What the...?

  Ben smiles at her, obviously embarrassed, but hugs her affectionately, sinking his face into her hair.

  Casey.

  What is that tramp doing in Tampa?

  I turn to look for Mark and see him frozen a few feet from his brother and the girl of his dreams.

  I slip my arm under his and, taking his chin between my fingers, turn his face to look at me, smiling at him as if he were a kid who'd just fallen off his bike. "You want me to mess up her nose?" I ask, as serious as anything, but then, despite the tension, the jealousy that's invaded my body leaving me breathless, I burst out laughing.

  "Would it be for me or for you?" He strokes my cheek, making me laugh even more.

  "What difference does it make? It's the end result that counts!"

  He hugs me tight. "Fuck her! You go get Ben and I'll get some beers."

  He lets go of me, turning me 180 degrees and aiming me in Ben's direction. Casey is still all over him, but Ben no longer has his arms around her and has his hands in his pockets. I pluck up courage and walk over.

  There is no middle ground.

  Ben glances up and sees me, pushes Casey gently to the side, and walks toward me.

  I hug him tight, pressing my body against his. "You were so good. That last song was so powerful...incredible."

  His lips form a smug grin. "Thanks, Blondie." He leans down and tenderly kisses my temple.

  Mark comes back with the beers and hands them out to everyone except Casey, who's standing awkwardly to one side. Ben's arms are still around my waist and everyone can see, but I don't care. I need to feel him. He's mine...

  "Hey, Casey. Take a pic!" Mark suddenly tosses his cell phone at Casey, but her reflexes are quick and she catches it before it falls.

  She glares at him, her eyes full of hate, but all he does is shrug and grin cheekily. We all huddle together, Ben's arm tight around my waist, Mark's on my shoulder.

  16

  After the concert we head out to a club on the beach, which is already packed by the time we get there. Ben tightens his grip on my hand as we weave our way through the crowd to the bar. He salutes the bartender and orders cocktails for everyone, handing him an ID I've never seen before and I’ve no idea where it came from.

  Jessica’s dancing with Abby. "Let's get on the podium!" she yells, between sips of her drink.

  "Jess, don't start. Stay around here," Ben warns. Not even her boyfriend is this protective.

  "Ben, please! You guys come, too!" she shouts, moving agitatedly.

  "Me? Dance on that thing?" he asks sarcastically.

  Jessica grabs my hand and drags me over to a small stage, Erika and Abby following close behind. They climb up onto the makeshift platform and pull me up after them. I'm a pretty good dancer. Nowhere near as good as Erika, obviously, but not bad.

  The guys come over and stand underneath, and Ben's brooding stare tells me he's not happy, but in the end he takes a deep breath, shakes his head, and forces a smile.

  The DJ plays “Peanut Butter Jelly” by Galantis and we go crazy. Mark climbs up next to us and starts boogying on the stage. The girls in the club are lapping it up and he doesn't need any encouragement to wiggle that perfect little ass of his. He improvises a striptease and slowly slips out of his t-shirt, much to the joy of the women below. I finish my drink, feeling the vodka burning slowly in my stomach and it's a wonderful sensation. Loud music in my ears, sweat on my back, Ben's fiery gaze watching me intently, I close my eyes and enjoy the adrenaline pumping through my body.

  This has been the most amazing, intense day of my life.

  We dance and drink until I can take it no longer. I'm desperate for the bathroom. Without telling anyone, I climb down from the podium and head to the bathroom. At the time, it didn't seem important.

  How wrong could I be?

  I'm a little tipsy, I haven't drunk much, but I've hardly eaten all day and the vodka didn't waste time getting into my system. I turn onto a narrow alleyway, sure it leads to the bathrooms, but I find myself in a small yard reserved for staff. I'm about to turn back when a hand grabs me and smashes me up against a wall. I hit my head so hard that for a second I lose my balance.

  The sound of a man's voice brings me back to my senses enough to realize he's not one of my friends. I feel his hot breath and my eyes open wide as I begin to scream. He clamps a hand over my mouth, so hard I can hardly breathe. A sensation of panic I've never felt before invades my lungs and I think I'm going to faint but then survival instinct kicks in.

  He drops a hand to my shorts and unbuttons them and I start to kick like crazy, but he takes a handful of my hair and pulls it hard. "Quiet, bitch!" he growls in my ear.

  I can't move my head but I put up as much of a struggle as I can. What the fuck is happening? The idea of what he could do to me is terrifying and I bite his hand and scream even louder. He slaps my face, which makes my head spin, but I don't give up. I lash out with my foot, hitting his shin, which infuriates him even more.

  "Heeelp!" I scream as loud as I can but no one can hear me, they're too far away, and the music is too loud. He thrusts his hand between my legs, trying to pull down my shorts and a wave of anger washes over me because he's too strong, I can hardly move. There's nothing I can do.

  "Please, stop..." I mumble against his hand, crying in panic. He pulls his pants down and I feel sick. And that's just what I do: I throw up against his hand, which makes him back off a couple of inches. I can't speak, I can't scream, all I can do is retch continuously.

  "Fucking bitch!" He raises his hand to slap me again and I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for the blow that never comes. Instead a deafening noise behind me makes my hair stand on end and I open my eyes just in time to see him sprawling on the ground amongst the trash.

  An all too familiar figure charges at him, raining punches down on my would-be rapist. Mark appears next to me then rushes over to stop his brother before he can beat him to death. The sound of his violent punches is deafening. It's not like at the cinema, the sounds of fists on another man's flesh makes me want to vomit even more.

  Jessica takes hold of my arm before I faint and I see Ryan running over to help Mark tear Ben away.

  "I'll kill him!" Ben's voice hits me straight in my stomach, his hatred and viciousness piercing my brain. There's something evil in his voice.

  In a few seconds, other people come running. A middle-aged man asks what's happening, but I understand only half of what's going on. A group of bouncers arrives, a nurse medicates Ben's hand, an ambulance and the police arrive. They try to speak to me but I understand very little. Jessica holds me tight as we sit on a low wall and she answers questions on my behalf.

  A policewoman comes over and asks if I'm okay, if the guy did anything to me. I tell her he only slapped me and put his hand down my underwear.

  Ben won't calm down, he's too anxious, he wants to join me, but a policeman grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him against the wall. "Stop it or I'll arrest you and take you down to the station."

  I need him, I need to feel him.

  "Do you want to go to the hospital?" the policewoman asks gently.

  Erika sits down next to me and holds a bag of ice to my cheek. "He hit you hard, put this is on." When it makes contact with my bruised skin it feels both pleasant and traumatic at the same time.

  "You can't take him down to the station!" I hear Mark shout. "He saved her, he deserves a fucking medal!"

  "We just need him to calm down and answer a few questions." The policeman's authoritative tone scares me to death.

  The ambulance takes off at full speed with my attacker inside and my head explodes. "He was just protecting me," I sob to the policewoman, who's standing in front of me, taking notes.

  "I know, but he beat a man so we need to ask him some questions. And he's going to have to calm down before he makes the situation worse." She crouches down in front of me and gently moves Erika's hand away from my cheek. "You sure you don
't want to go to the hospital?" she whispers before writing something else in her notebook.

  "I'm sure."

  They take Ben away and that's when I lose it. I can hardly breathe through my sobs. How did the most wonderful day of my life turn into such a nightmare?

  "Get some sleep, we'll see you at the station tomorrow for your statement. I imagine you'll want to report the attack."

  I nod vehemently between sobs. She hands back the ID I didn't realize I'd given her. "You were lucky, and don't worry about your friend. They're taking him down to the station, but it’s just routine, okay?" She straightens up and leaves me with my friends.

  Ryan comes over and crouches down in front of us. "Hey, Cat. It's going to be okay." He hugs me tight and it's the first time Ryan and I have been so close. "Me and Kris are going over to the station to pick Ben up, you go back to the hotel and get some sleep, okay?"

  Yeah, sure. I would if I could.

  Ryan holds Jessica close, whispering something in her ear. It's only now that I notice her shocked expression, the smudged makeup around her eyes. She looks like she's aged ten years in one night.

  "Is Mark coming with us?" Erika asks him apprehensively.

  "Yup, it's better that way. He's upset, he'd only fuck things up. And, you girls need a guy around."

  Mark drives my car, while I sit in back with Jessica clinging to me, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Perhaps I'm still in shock, but I've stopped crying and have only a fuzzy memory of what happened. All I can see is Ben punching the man lying on the ground, over and over and over.

  We all go to my room. I still need the bathroom and I’m desperate to get clean. I lock the bathroom door behind me and flop down, my back against the tub, sobbing silently.

  I almost got raped.

  The thought worms its way into my head and tears my soul apart. That filthy bastard put his hand between my legs. He touched me with his disgusting fingers then slapped me across the face.

  Calmly, with heavy legs and sore muscles, I stand up and take a look at myself in the mirror. I look terrible. My cheek is red and tomorrow I'll have a nice bruise. What the fuck am I going to tell my dad? If he were to find out what happened he'd put me over his shoulder and carry me home.

  I run the shower then stand under it, still fully dressed, except for my shoes. They were my favorite shorts and t-shirt and now I'll never be able to wear them again. I slowly take them off and drop them to the floor, soaking wet. I stand here motionless under the jet of water till the hot water burns my skin, then scrub at my body trying to wash away the feeling of disgust.

  It was only a few minutes, I tell myself, nothing happened. He didn't do anything, don't fall apart.

  It takes all my strength not to sob hysterically but in the end, I pull myself together, wrap a towel around me, and return to the bedroom.

  "I'll make some tea.” Mark leaves the room, sensing that I need some privacy while I get dressed.

  I take a skimpy pair of pajamas from my bag, suddenly all too aware of how the tiny shorts and top barely cover my body. "I'm sorry," I say in tears, unable to look my friends in the eye.

  Jessica stands up from the bed and hugs me again, so tight she manages to catch the pieces of my heart that have begun to crumble.

  "It's not your fault. Don't think that, even for a second."

  "I took the wrong turn, I ended up in that alley and was turning back but..." I start crying again and put a hand over my eyes.

  Erika helps me dress. It's like I've forgotten how to do even the most basic things. "It's okay, Cat. We'll look after you." Her smile warms my heart.

  "What will they do to Ben?" I ask in a whisper, slumping down on the bed. I catch Jessica and Abby exchanging a glance. "What?" I ask again.

  "Nothing, I hope," Abby says in the end. She stares at Jessica and I don't understand what's going on. I can't stand their silence.

  "You're making me worry." Just the thought that something could happen to Ben makes me tremble. Will he go to jail? Will he get kicked out of college?

  Jessica lets out an enormous sigh and her eyes fill with tears. Mark walks in, balancing four cups of chamomile tea in his hands. He hands one to me and Jessica. Abby and Erika wave their hands to show they don't want any and he puts their cups down on the nightstand, then sits on the bed and takes Jessica in his arms, setting her comfortably in his lap.

  "I was raped...when I was thirteen..." Her voice is so low I can hardly hear it.

  Mark strokes her back softly. "Jess, you don't have to, if you don't want to," he whispers gently but she shakes her head vehemently.

  I've never seen him like this around Jessica before. He's holding her in his arms and it’s like he wants to protect her from the whole world.

  "No, no, I want to tell her. That's what five years of therapy were for, no?" She smiles bitterly and continues. "We were at a party at school. Ben and I went together but then he disappeared with one of the girls from our class and I was dancing with some friends. Someone passed me a cup of something and I drank it. It tasted funny but all my friends were drinking it so I did, too. Then my head was spinning and I felt sick so I went to the bathroom. There was this guy, he worked at the school. He was the one who handed me the cup. He'd been slipping liquor and pills into the drinks. He followed me into the bathroom and raped me. My friends found me, unconscious on the floor in a pool of blood. Savagely raped and beaten. They gave me so many stitches I looked like a patchwork quilt." She takes a long pause. We're both shaking now. "Everyone kept talking, asking me questions, but I only really came around when I saw Ben standing in front of me. That's when I screwed up. I told him who did it. He just lost it. He ran straight out of the bathroom...he was faster than the cops. He found an iron bar, then found the guy and confronted him, beating him to a pulp, almost killing him."

  My stomach cramps and I think I'm going to be sick again. I take a sip of my tea, but it does nothing to make me feel better.

  "Ben was in therapy for a year. They made him attend courses in anger management and gave him two years community service. He was just a kid at the time, but this time he's an adult and I'm scared they'll put him away."

  My brain isn't connecting anymore. I jump up and run to the bathroom to vomit. There's nothing left in my stomach, only vile tasting bile that burns my stomach.

  Please don't let anything happen to him, not because of me. He told me to be careful, to not leave his side, but I thought I knew better. I thought I was strong and invincible but instead I almost got raped and now I've got him into big trouble. I rinse my face, I can't stop shaking.

  Jessica is in Mark's arms, sobbing convulsively. "They won't do anything to him, I promise," he whispers in her ear.

  I feel so guilty I want the ground to swallow me up. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault." I start crying again and throw myself down on the bed, squeezing Jessica tight.

  "Cat." Mark’s deep voice startles me. I glance around at Erika and Abby's tear-streaked faces. "It's not your fault. You were going to the bathroom and that man should never have touched you. Nothing's going to happen to Ben, I'm sure." His voice doesn't sound so sure, however, and the band of tension around my head tightens.

  Two hours later, Abby takes Jessica to her room and promises to stay with her until the guys get back. Ryan called to say they were on their way back, all three of them, thank God.

  "Mark, I need to speak with Ben." I get off the bed and grab a sweatshirt from my bag. "Can I wait for him in your room?"

  "You want me to stick around? I don't like the idea of you being alone."

  I shake my head decisively. "No, I need to be alone for a couple of minutes."

  "Okay, we're right next door if you need anything."

  Exhausted, Erika flops down on her bed, smiling sweetly. I head for Mark's room, unable to control the convulsive trembling of my body.

  17

  Blah, blah, blah...their mouths keep flapping. They're acting like I'm the bad guy, as if
that asshole with the broken jaw and fractured ribs was the real victim and not some bastard who tried to rape a girl.

  Anger surges inside me and I feel my cheeks burn. I want to yell, trash the room right in front of them, and tell them to fuck off. I sit here, clenching and un-clenching my fists, as if that's going to calm me down.

  He pulled her shorts down. He was holding her by the throat and was about to punch her in the face. Caterina, so small and fragile, and he was going to hit her. I should have wiped him off the face of the earth, done the world a favor.

  "Benjamin." The lady cop's voice pulls me back into the conversation. Ryan gives my left ankle a soft kick. I didn't even hear her question. All I can think of are Cat's eyes and her shorts, pulled down over her slim legs and that asshole with his dick out. "Benjamin, you know the judge won't be so lenient this time, don't you?"

  Yup, as if I needed reminding. I think I just screwed up college big time. But that's not what hurts. What really hurts me are this cop's eyes. She thinks she knows everything about me because of something she read on a piece of paper. They have my whole life right there in front of them in black and white and think they have me all figured out.

  I'm not violent like my mom thinks. I'm not like my father. I don't lash out at the weak, I try and defend them. Like I did with Jessica, just that, with her, I got there too late.

  "What do I have to do?" My voice is calm, in total contrast to the fire that's burning inside me.

  "How about being less aggressive when you turn up in court, for example." She shifts her gaze to my clenched fists, where my nails are digging into my palms, and I automatically unclench them.

  "Less aggressive?" I echo her words. "That son of a bitch was going to rape her. I stopped him one second before he could punch her in the face. His pants were down, his dick was out, and you know I'm right because that's how you guys found him." My voice grows louder with every word until I spit out the last syllables.