Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  I'm breathless, the room's spinning, and the floor's about to swallow me up. I'm dying. My lungs are closed, I'm suffocating. And it's just what I deserve.

  "When?" Ben leans toward me a little and takes my face in his hands.

  "Now, he’s flying from Rome. He'll be here tomorrow morning." My tears fall again at the thought of what I was about to do, what he could have seen. God, I'm no better than his father; a lousy, gutless cheat.

  My chest rises and falls dramatically, as if an invisible hand is crushing my throat and won't let me breathe.

  "Breathe..." Ben holds me tight and I feel myself dying a little more.

  I. Can't. I want to scream.

  I feel his warm, soft lips on mine and he breathes a little air into my mouth, as if he's breathing for me. My lips are half-closed and I let him set the pace, one breath at a time. Slowly, again, and again, he breathes life into me until I'm once more in control of my body.

  Then common sense prevails and within a few seconds everything becomes all too clear.

  Benjamin Carter, my desire for him, his naked body against mine, his piercing eyes. Memories of the last three months flash before my eyes; the kiss on the beach, his fingers on the piano, on my skin.

  My forbidden dream. My biggest mistake.

  "You have to go. Now." My voice is tense and he pulls away abruptly, stunned, not fully understanding my words. "You have to go. Now!" I repeat, more to myself than to him. He has to get dressed, leave my room, and forget everything that's happened. Everything.

  "You can't be serious." His wounded expression makes me dizzy. No, no, I'm not serious.

  "Of course I'm serious. Leonardo is coming." I leap up from the floor, open the curtains wide to let the light in, and gather up his clothes. Ben stands up, his beautiful green eyes now deep, black pits of rage, and they're pointing straight at me. I hand him his clothes but he hurls them across the room.

  "What the fuck are you saying, Cat?" His voice drowns out the music and I turn and switch off the docking station as “The End” by Simple Plan ominously highlights the absurdity of the moment, mocking me.

  "Ben, please, you need to get out of here."

  "Why?" he yells.

  "Because my boyfriend is coming here, to Orlando. For me!" I yell back. "And you...we...were about to do something very stupid." The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them.

  His frustrated gaze stops me dead. "Stupid? Really? We were about to make love and it was fucking stupid?" he spits the last words. I've never seen him so angry.

  "I can't talk now." I'm about to leave the room but he grabs hold of my wrist, forcing me up against the wall.

  "Oh, yes, you can! He's coming? Perfect! You're going to tell him what happened, that you don't want to be with him anymore because you want to be with me. You're going to find the courage to send him back to Italy, or I'll do it. I'll kick his ass right out of here."

  Ice flows through my veins.

  "No, you will not! You won't say a word, you won't even go near him." I point my finger at him and we're both screaming like savages.

  He steps away from the wall and looks me up and down. "Hypocrite!"

  He's right, but I could never hurt Leonardo like that, he doesn't deserve it.

  "You know nothing about me, and you know nothing about him. You don't know what he's been through recently and I'm not a hypocrite. I'm just a stupid girl who was about to make a huge mistake and hurt the person who least deserves it.”

  Ben grabs his clothes and turns away to get dressed, his back tense. "A 'huge mistake', Cat? Really?" His voice is so low and hoarse it brings tears to my eyes again.

  "Ben...I..." I don’t really mean it, but I can't finish the phrase.

  "No, you were perfectly clear. You never gave a shit about me, you were always going to choose him, weren't you? I never even had a chance. I’m the one who made the huge mistake, here."

  His cold eyes stop my heart.

  He's wrong.

  I would have chosen him. I would have chosen him over everything, regardless. Leonardo should never have ambushed me and I can't leave him, not now, not tomorrow, not like this.

  "You're wrong." I should keep quiet, let him think he's right, that I never wanted to be with him anyway, but I can't. I can't stand the way he’s looking at me, his eyes full of disgust, as if I were the most despicable person on the face of the earth.

  "Then choose me." He raises his voice again. "If I'm wrong, choose me!" I flatten myself against the wall.

  "I can't...please, Ben..." I look down at my feet, too cowardly to look him in the face.

  "I'm not going to hang around while you and your boyfriend play happy families, then come back to you when he's gone. What are you going to do, Cat? You going to let him sleep in your bed? The same bed where we were going to fuck? Remember what I said? You're mine or you're his. No shades of gray, no excuses. I don’t fucking share." He stops to take a breath but I refuse to say anything. "I won't give you another chance."

  "I'm not asking for one," I blurt.

  "Then what the fuck are you asking for?" he hisses furiously.

  "I'm asking you to wait. Don't pressure me so much, let me explain the situation. For once in your life, try and take a step back and listen to me. I can't leave him. Not right now. Stop thinking about yourself for once!"

  "Why shouldn’t I? You're asking me to sit in the corner like a good boy till you find the courage to tell him it's over. You know why I'm thinking only of myself? Because no one else in the world will, not even you!" he screams crazily.

  "Ben...please. Listen to me."

  "The hell with you, Cat! If you don't leave him tomorrow morning, it’s over!" he shouts, making my heart tremble.

  I hear the front door open and close with a thud, then my bedroom door opens and Mark bursts in.

  "What the fuck is going on?" he asks before we even realize he's there. He's half-naked, his hair flattened on one side and was probably fast asleep until around three seconds ago.

  "Stay the fuck out of it, Mark!" Ben yells, pointing at the door, indicating for him to leave.

  "Jessica called me, said you two were screaming like crazy." Mark rushes over to me and the tears, which had been welling up, overflow. I feel so guilty, but most of all, I feel stupid. "Cat, what's happened?"

  I shake my head and glance over at Ben. His face is a mask of sadness and it's all my fault. I just want him to calm down and let me explain.

  "Me or him, Cat. It’s your choice!" The anguished look in his eyes rips the ground from under me.

  I can't say anything, I can't speak. All I can do is try to control my sobs before they choke me again. "Ben, please..."

  He shakes his head and smiles dejectedly. "Wrong answer, Blondie," he says, his voice full of pain and, before I can reply, he’s gone.

  Jessica's leaning against the door frame. She follows him and they leave the house together.

  I collapse on the rug and put my head between my legs, trembling all over. Mark sits down next to me, whispering words that I can't hear or understand. All I can hear is the familiar roar of Ben's Mustang as it leaves the driveway, taking with it a piece of my heart.

  30

  If there's one person who can keep a secret, it's Kris. He'd never tell anyone where I am, even if it meant leaving my mother and brother worried sick. He'd never let on that I'm at his place, on the rather questionable couch of his one-bedroom apartment, close to the Eagles Bay and college.

  He hands me an ice-cold beer and opens one for himself. "You want to tell me why you've got a face like a smacked ass? Or shall I call your brother, let him know you're here, have him tell me?"

  I glare at him, though I know he wouldn't. I throw my head back onto the cushion and take a deep breath. I have to calm the fuck down. "Cat's boyfriend's coming to Orlando. He'll be here tomorrow morning."

  Kris lets out a whistle and I toss my beer bottle at him. I can't stand it when he whistles.

  "And I gues
s you reacted like a real man, huh? Sat down with her and tried to figure out what she wants from this." His sarcasm pisses me off even more, making me want to stand up and walk out.

  "Fuck off, Kris!"

  "Hey, I'm just pointing out the obvious." His cell phone rings in his hands. "Mark...again." I roll my eyes and he answers. They chat for a while, long enough for me to take his comment on board. Am I really so predictable? "Mark said you had a bad fight with Cat. That you walked out and left her there, crying."

  The thought of Blondie sobbing her heart out makes bile rise from my stomach. "I asked her to choose, she chose him. End of story. She should be laughing, not crying," I reply arrogantly.

  "You want to play the bad-ass with me? Don't bother, I know you like the back of my hand."

  I dare not even look at him. I swig half of my beer, hoping to swallow the lump in my throat, too.

  "Did she know he was coming?" Kris asks, though he already knows the answer. Last night we were all at Frankie’s, laughing and joking, and she was with me. She never would have behaved like that if she'd known her boyfriend was going to land on us two days later.

  "Why ask if you already know the fucking answer?" I snap.

  "Perhaps because if you hear yourself say it out loud, you'll realize what an asshole you’re being." There's no sugarcoating with Kris.

  "You know what? I'm not in the mood for one of your sermons right now, I feel shitty enough as it is." I stand up but a cushion hits me in the face.

  "Sit down, asshole! You're going to listen to my sermon, and Ryan's, too, because he's on his way over here, until you calm down and learn to control that fucking temper of yours." He hands me another beer and we call a cease-fire.

  "I lost it, okay? Her dad rang to say her boyfriend was at the airport and she asked me to leave...I panicked." I gulp down my beer and put the bottle down on the coffee table as I take another. It's going to be a long night.

  "Didn't it even occur to you that she might be upset?"

  "No. All I could think of was, one moment I'm putting a condom on, the next, she's flushed everything down the toilet!” I yell. I know I've gone too far, but it's not my fault. Not this time.

  Kris sits in silence for a couple of seconds. I guess my revelation caught him off guard. "Listen, Cat's a good girl. She's not the kind of girl who sleeps around, so if she was in bed with you it means she made her decision, but if you keep treating her like this, you're going to push her away."

  Blah, blah, blah. Benjamin, don't shout. Benjamin, calm down. Benjamin, sit in the corner and wait. Benjamin, be patient. Well, they can all fuck off, I don't want to wait.

  "What? And end up like it was with Maddy? Following her around like a puppy till she chooses the other guy? Been there, done that!"

  Kris lights a cigarette––only Ryan and I know he smokes. We have to keep it a secret from Abby or she'd kill him, at least. Every now and then, I like to keep him company, so I hold out my hand and he passes me one.

  "Cat's not Maddy. There’s no comparison." He takes a long puff of his Marlboro, followed by a mouthful of beer. I already know this evening's going to end badly.

  "I know, but in the end, history repeats itself. I like a girl, she likes me, but she chooses the other guy instead. You know what, I don't even want to talk about it because every time I think about it, I want to destroy something and I’m fighting with the urge to get in the car, drive home, and keep yelling till tomorrow morning."

  Luckily there's a knock at the door and Ryan walks in with a twelve pack of beer. Yup, the evening is about to take a turn for the worse.

  I pull my cell phone from my pocket and hand it to Kris. "Keep this for me. I already know that four beers in, I'll do something stupid and I don't want to regret it later."

  "Hi.” Ryan smiles, which is strange for him. Even this idiot thinks I'm funny now. "I hear you put on a good show tonight."

  "Did you tell Jessica I'm here?" I ask accusingly.

  "No way! She would have come straight over here and I figured we needed a guys' night in with the beer...and I bought some weed if you want to take it up a notch."

  I make a disgusted face. I hate joints. The rare times I ever smoked one, I felt so bad afterward I promised myself I'd never do it again. Yet, Ryan can only relax when he smokes. I don't blame him, with a girlfriend like Jessica I'd want to be high all the time, too. I love Jessica, but I'd rather be castrated than date her.

  "What did Jess say?" I ask, feigning indifference.

  "That you're a jerk. That you were yelling like some basket case. That she was too scared to enter Cat's room and woke your brother instead. She said you treated Cat like shit, that she's been crying for the past hour, and that, as usual, you don't understand shit!"

  Maybe next time I won’t ask.

  "Yeah, as usual, I'm the bad guy! Did Jessica tell you why I was shouting? Anyway, all I did was raise my voice, you're making me sound like some thug." I stand up dramatically and realize how dumb I look. Ryan is rolling a joint and Kris is sprawled on a giant beanbag, smoking and sipping his beer impassively.

  "Ben, for God's sake. Sit down and calm down or I swear I'll whoop you so hard you'll forget your name!" Kris threatens me.

  It sounds absurd, but his threat actually calms me down.

  "Take three deep breaths," he continues, his eyes drilling into my skull. Kris, who only speaks when he has something to say, is pissed. "Forget all this shit about jealous boyfriends for a moment. I'd like to remind you that a week ago you almost beat a guy to death. Now this. I'm worried about you man, I’m not kidding."

  The blood's boiling in my veins and I have to hold my breath before I explode. "What the fuck does what happened last week have to do with it?"

  "You're out of control. These outbursts are becoming a problem, and I don't like it."

  "Not to mention, you almost punched that guy at the Blue Rock and got him fired," Ryan intervenes.

  Why doesn't this asshole just smoke his joint and leave me in peace? "Fuck you, Ryan!"

  "Sure, Ben. Keep it up! Lately that seems to be your answer to everything," Ryan replies, not at all offended.

  "I don't have a fucking problem!" I came here to get some peace and they’re freakin’ killing me.

  "Ben, you're so stressed out you're going to explode. Tomorrow morning, before what’s-his-face…shit, I can't even remember his name…gets here, you're going to go to your cute little Italian chick and talk to her. Calmly, you’re going to tell her what you should have said tonight and you'll get her back."

  "What? No way! She wants to stay with him? Let her. I don't have to persuade anyone to do anything. She can go to hell." My hands are itching. I finish my beer and stand up to get another one. With all the adrenaline in my body I'm going to need at least ten before it has any effect.

  "That's bullshit and you know it," Ryan snorts, exhaling a stinking cloud of smoke from his nose. I glare at him fiercely. "You've been circling her like a shark for three months. Look, she has a boyfriend. You've always known that. He wants to surprise her, it's obviously not a welcome surprise, and you’re at her throat like it's all her fault..."

  I'm tired of them busting my balls. "It's not her fault if he's coming here," I interrupt. "But it is her fault if she looks me in the face and tells me she won't leave him."

  "The poor bastard gets here tomorrow after God knows how many hours in the air, he hasn't seen his girlfriend in three months, he has no idea she's screwing the boy next door, and you expect her to open the door and say, 'Hi there, asshole! I've found someone else, go back where you came from, sorry!' Come on, Ben. Be reasonable."

  Put that like, it's clear they're right, but I know they're wrong. There's always a choice. "I didn't ask her to send him back on the same plane!"

  "Like fuck, you didn't!" Ryan says. "Jessica said she heard you shouting that if she didn't tell him, you would and you'd kick him out."

  Jessica needs to keep her big mouth shut. If I told her boyfriend and
our friends half of the shit that comes out of her mouth, they'd drop her like a hot potato.

  "You're a lost cause, man," Kris says, throwing his head back and laughing.

  "I fucked up!" If it wasn't obvious before, it is now. What’s got into me? "I have to go to her..." I'm about to stand up when another cushion hits me.

  "Sit down! You're going nowhere tonight. You've been drinking and you'll only make things worse. Wait till tomorrow morning. She'll have calmed down and you'll behave like a civilized person. If you turn up now, the least she'll do is make you regret you're still alive. Now, switch on the PlayStation”

  And the conversation ends there. Short and sweet.

  Three beers and an endless amount of soccer matches later, I crash out on the couch. Kris goes off to his room and Ryan? Well, we lost him an hour ago, passed out on the beanbag.

  I close my eyes and I see her shocked face and all the words I screamed at her come back to me. I practically threw her back into his arms.

  I put my earbuds in and listen to the most appropriate song I can find: “Monster You Made Me” by Pop Evil.

  I have to talk to her. Thank God, I gave my phone to Kris and he took it with him to his room. How can I explain to her that I'm crazy with jealousy, crazy about her? Crazy in general, apparently. Her beautiful yellow eyes appear in front of me and I have to squeeze my eyes shut to hold the image. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Pretend everything's okay while Leonardo sleeps in her bed, holding her tight? Kissing her, perhaps, making love to her? I shake my head hard. No. I can't do it.

  She's inside me, under my skin like a needle, and the thought of her never being mine makes my head hurt. I can't tell Kris and Ryan though. I can't say things like, 'I'm madly in love with her; with her eyes, her luscious mouth, the sexy way she frowns when she doesn't understand something...' I'd have to go live on the moon if I did.