Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  Maybe I should just get my head together. She's still there, her forehead against the glass. She closes her eyes then opens them a few seconds later and turns toward her bedroom door. Leonardo walks in and puts something down on her desk. They talk briefly, without looking at each other, then he disappears from view again.

  She turns her gaze on my room. I want to turn on the light and tell her I'm thinking of her, despite everything, despite the fact that this relationship is wrong and it would be better to end it as soon as possible, but I can't move.

  She closes the curtains and disappears, leaving me alone, wondering for the umpteenth time what is the right thing to do: fight for her or give up?

  I'm more nervous than usual when I enter the Blue Rock. I head straight for the backstage room without speaking to anyone. The songs I chose will really hurt her but I can't change them now. Kris is sitting on a pile of beer crates, his head bent over his cell phone.

  "This set list…you one hundred percent sure?"

  No!

  "Yup! Why?"

  He shrugs apathetically, furiously tapping on his phone. "I figured maybe you changed your mind."

  "Nope." I take my electric guitar from its bag and grab a small bottle of water from the refrigerator. I don't feel so good. I haven't slept since...forever, and I'm so nervous I risk making a total and utter ass of myself.

  "You seen Cat today?" I know he’s looking at me but I ignore him anyway.

  "Nope." I'm struggling to keep my voice calm. What the fuck does he care? He's been with Abby for two years and I've never, not once, seen him do anything even halfway romantic for her. Does he really think he can give me advice on how to treat women?

  "So you didn't wish her happy birthday?" He sounds surprised, genuinely astonished.

  "I did it last night, at midnight." Straight after I'd kissed her and shown her my screensaver, the photo of us together, and told her to go celebrate with someone else, then left her drowning in her own tears in the garden.

  Kris laughs. "I see."

  That’s it! I’ve had enough of his shitty attitude, I can't hold my tongue anymore. "What the fuck does that mean? I see? Huh?" I cross my arms. We never discuss women, but for the past week it seems we've done nothing else and it's getting weird.

  "It means that you're going to spend all day brooding about it and...well, if you haven't seen her it means you didn't want to. Good for you, man. Abby's brought two friends with her, one of them is totally hot and she's been asking about you. Who knows, perhaps if you took her home she'd wipe that whipped dog-look off your face."

  "Fuck you, Kris."

  He lifts his hands in surrender. "Her name's Alex… just in case. Unless Cat's not got your balls, too, along with your heart, I mean."

  I throw the water bottle at him. "Watch it, because you’re really pissing me off!"

  "Yeah, yeah, sure." He looks down at his phone again, chuckling as he writes something. He can go fuck himself tonight, too. I pick the plastic bottle up and swallow down the iced water, trying to clear my mind. Why should I have seen her today? I wished her a happy birthday, I organized this concert for her. I owe her nothing. She deserves nothing.

  Mark and Ryan walk in, laughing giddily.

  "Are you guys drunk?" I ask angrily.

  "Woah, boys. His Majesty's in a bad mood tonight, surprise, surprise, and you know how it goes… if he's not having fun, no one's having fun!"

  That's it! He's gone too far, I'm sick of his bullshit. I lunge at Kris and grasp him by the t-shirt, lifting him up then throwing him back against the wall before he even knows what's hit him. "I've had enough of your bullshit! What's your problem? Leave me the fuck alone! You want to have fun then you fuck that Alex chick if you want to, just keep your nose out of my fucking business."

  Mark grabs me from behind, shoving me to one side. "Have you lost your mind?" he gasps while Kris starts laughing. He's doing his very best to make me lose my temper and I don't know why. He warns me to stay calm, to reflect, to count to ten before opening my mouth and then he won't leave me alone, provoking me all the time until I explode.

  " What's your fucking problem, Kris?" I shake Mark off. I'm standing in front of Kris again, only inches from his face, glaring at him defiantly. If he wants a fight then I'll be more than happy to give him one.

  "I'll ask you one last time, Ben: are you sure you don't want to go with the original set list?"

  What's that got to do with it? I glare at him, spreading my arms wide. "Are you high, Kris? What does the set list have to do with anything?"

  "Go and say hi to Cat. Wish her happy birthday then come back and tell me."

  He's gone crazy, there's no other explanation for it. "I'm not going to speak to her and I'm not going to change the set list."

  Kris glances across at Ryan and Mark. "Perfect. I'm warning you guys," he points his finger at them, "if one of you even dares tell him about this morning, then I'll kick your ass, and I'm not kidding."

  I don't think I've ever been this confused. What happened this morning? "Tell me, Kris," I hiss.

  "No, Ben. This time you take the consequences for your shitty temper. You won't hear anything from us." He storms out, Ryan, the big wuss, trotting behind.

  I block Mark a second before he walks out.

  "Kris is right. You didn't even wish her happy birthday, you missed the dinner Erika and Jess organized for her at their place this evening, you changed the set list. You decide everything. You make and you break things without knowing how they stand."

  Then I’m alone, struggling to control the indescribable rage inside me and the uncontrollable urge to kick someone's ass. Anyone's.

  I'm the last one on stage, the others are already in position. As soon as the crowd sees me they begin to shout and the familiar feeling of nausea invades my stomach, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I see her immediately, sitting at our table, the center of attention. She's smiling, but seems lost in her thoughts. She's beautiful, her long, straight blond hair flowing down her shoulders, and dark makeup that highlights her enormous eyes. What's different about her? Why should I have gone to her?

  I nod at her and she smiles back shyly. I have to look away to avoid being distracted by her lovely face. She deserves nothing. I repeat it over and over, like a mantra. I have to get her out of my head.

  Yet, something's missing, or rather, someone. Leonardo. He's not stuck to her like glue or pissing in corners to mark his territory. I look around but can't see him anywhere. A pang in my chest followed by a boost of adrenaline. Where the fuck is he? He's not here? Impossible.

  Mark introduces us and the crowd yells. There must be at least thirty people around our usual table; some guys from college and Erika's boyfriend with a guy I've never seen before. There's a very pretty girl staring at me. She smiles and winks as soon as our eyes meet. That must be Alex. Not bad, not bad at all. Guilt makes me flick my eyes back to Blondie. She's sipping something, waiting anxiously, gazing at the stage.

  The first song I chose is Simple Plan's “The End”, the same song that was playing at full blast in her room when, butt naked, she asked me to leave, telling me I’d been a big mistake.

  I sing my heart out, my eyes boring into hers, compelling her to stare back, seeing nothing but me. Does she remember that moment like I remember it? Her cruel words like a knife in the back.

  You…we…were about to do something very stupid.

  The song finishes to a round of applause and more adrenaline explodes in my chest at the thought of the other songs on the list. Mark looks over at me and I nod. I'm ready. Introduce the next fucking song and let's get this over with.

  ‘“Had Enough”, Breaking Benjamin."

  That's all, short and sweet, which is so not like him. He loves being the center of attention, getting applause and squeals from the girls in the crowd. I know why, though. The lyrics are cruel and I'm dedicating it to the woman I want with all my heart, in front of hundreds of people, some of them our closest
friends, on her birthday. But I can't stop myself.

  Cat stares at me, open-mouthed. Good. She must have heard this song a thousand times, she should know the words by now. She deserves nothing. I hope it hurts her as much as it hurts me.

  I turn to look at Kris and catch him shaking his head. They're not enjoying themselves, I can tell by the way they're playing. No one in the crowd would ever guess, but I can feel it in my gut. They're on automatic pilot; they don't agree with the set list, or the reasons why I decided to change it. Mark's guitar isn't as powerful as usual and Kris doesn't send vibrations through my stomach each time he hits the high hat. Ryan's the only one in sync with me, he loves music too much to let himself be influenced by external factors.

  We play “Dance with the Devil”, also by Breaking Benjamin and Mark doesn't even bother introducing it. I know they're all dreading the next song. I deliberately left it till last, because it's the one that will drive her away from me for good.

  We finish with a round of applause. The guys may be holding it back, but I’m not. I want my goodbye to be epic.

  Mark comes close. "Ben, there’s still time. Listen to me. Let's do “Hunger”."

  I flash him a dirty look. How dare he even try to change my mind. No way am I playing our song tonight, not in front of her fiancé...where is he anyway? I look out from the stage, scanning the crowd for his face but it's like he's disappeared. Like it matters, she'll still go home with him, flaunting her engagement ring. I'll never sing it to her.

  I have to get her out of my head.

  "No, and I'm presenting this song."

  He looks at me impatiently, he knows how much I hate speaking in public. "You really are a jerk, you know that?"

  I roll my eyes. Blah, blah, blah. I'm a jerk. Who cares? "Hi, guys!" I yell into the mic. I'm greeted by a roar and I see our group, their eyes focused on me. They all know I never speak on stage. Jessica smiles and winks. She probably thinks I've changed my mind, too, that I'm going to sing “Hunger”.

  Well, I'm not.

  She deserves nothing.

  "It's a special friend's birthday tonight..." I stare straight into her, not caring about the rest of the world, not caring about her eyes that open wide and the smile she's trying to hold back. The fact she's so beautiful isn't helping. I swallow the lump in my throat. "Blondie, this is for you...and Happy Birthday! “I Don't Care”, Apocalyptica."

  I turn to look at Kris. He's supposed to start but he’s hesitating. I know he won't make me look even more of a jerk by refusing to play but I can tell he's tempted.

  My voice cracks on the first line and I have to concentrate to regain control of my vocal chords. We get to the first verse of the chorus, Kris beats down on the drums, making my stomach vibrate. Way to go, now they're playing, but I'm sure that, while I dedicated the song to Cat, their playing is all for me.

  “If you were dead or still alive

  I don’t care, I don’t care,

  Just go and leave this all behind

  ’Cause I swear, I don’t care”

  It's brutal, intense, and will be the end of us. Our eyes are locked together, as if there's no way out for either of us, no way to avoid the pain, as if it's clear now that, whatever there is between us, it ends here.

  You’ve lost me forever, Blondie.

  I know.

  Does it hurt?

  It’s killing me.

  Good.

  38

  Ben picks up the microphone and Jessica clasps my hand. "Ready for your birthday present?" She has a strange, proud look in her eyes, and can hardly sit still.

  I nod and focus on Ben, who's more handsome than ever tonight. He wasn't at the dinner the girls organized for me at home and he's ignored me all day. When he walked in here he went straight backstage and locked himself in the room there, as if I don't exist. I don't even know if he knows Leonardo left this morning, changing his ticket at the last minute. He told me he couldn't stand being here a second longer, to think hard and come to my senses by Christmas, then shut his suitcase and went to bed. Just before leaving for the airport, he woke me for an icy goodbye.

  "Blondie, this is for you...Happy Birthday! “I Don't Care”, Apocalyptica." he announces into the microphone, his voice rough and full of nerves.

  I Don't Care?

  Jessica squeezes my hand and I turn to gape at her. Her mouth is wide open and the light has gone out in her eyes, replaced by anger.

  The music starts softly and Ben sings with an intensity I only heard before in Tampa, singing with his whole heart. I've heard this song before but I don't know all the words so I have to concentrate to understand them. Jessica stands up abruptly and walks away, God knows where.

  Kris beats down on the drums, making my heart skip a beat, but what really hurts are the words streaming from Ben's mouth. He practically screams the chorus at me, looking me straight in the eye, spewing all the spite and anger he has inside.

  "If you were dead or still alive, I don’t care…".

  I can’t breathe, I’m completely stunned. He’s dedicating this song to me? On my birthday? I can't move, the song slows down until Ryan's piano is the only thing I hear. Ben's striding up and down the stage but he never takes his eyes off me. The music stops for a couple of seconds, and there's total silence until Kris hits the high-hat, startling me, and at the same time Ben picks up the chorus again… If you were dead or still alive…

  They finish to a round of applause. They were phenomenal, no doubt about it. I turn to look for Erika and she's scowling back at me.

  "Why?" I ask, my voice faint.

  "Because he's a jerk!" she replies with little conviction. "And because he's hurting, too."

  "No. This is too much." He had no good reason to humiliate me like this in front of our friends.

  Thomas, Erika's boyfriend, has brought his friend along and he's sipping a complicated cocktail, chatting with two girls from the Macroeconomics 2.0 course Mark and I are in. I walk over and smile at him.

  "Hi there, birthday girl. Great concert your friends organized for you." He's really cute.

  Right now I’d say calling them friends is a bit of an exaggeration. I knew Ben was an asshole, but Mark? How could he do this to me?

  "Hi, Paul. Yes, it was wonderful. What are you drinking?" I’m wasting no time.

  He hands me his glass and winks. "Only because it's your birthday." I give him a flirty little smile and lick my lips, hoping I look sexy and provocative. I'm on a mission, and I'm going to start by breaking rules one and two: never accept drinks from strangers and never talk to strangers.

  I pretend to listen to what they're saying for a few seconds then join Erika and Jessica, Paul’s drink in hand. I think it's a vodka lemon, but I'm not sure and I don't really care.

  Mark appears in front of me, smiling in embarrassment. It served him right, he has no idea how awful I'm feeling right now.

  I take a couple of sips through the straw and ignore my heart, which threatens to explode as soon as I see Ben. He looks at me, his face hostile, and I do what I do best when I'm angry: I act like a spoiled brat. "Hey, Erika, you want some vodka lemon?"

  I love the fact that she's so perceptive. She knows I have every intention of making Ben freak out tonight and she backs me up. "Girl, I never say no to vodka." She sips from my straw and we giggle like two stupid schoolgirls.

  I quickly finish my drink and put the glass down on the table. Ben hasn't spoken to me but he's still staring. "Mark!" My best friend stands up as soon as he hears my voice and waits for me to say something. "We need to talk, come with me."

  I hook my arm through his, hustling him toward the exit. I'm almost running, rudely pushing everyone out of my way. "What the fuck was that?" I practically scream in his face once we're outside.

  "I'm sorry, it was Ben's idea." He reaches for my hand but I pull away as if he has leprosy.

  "So? Ben says jump and you jump? Jesus, Mark, is that what you think, too, that it wouldn't matter if I were ali
ve or dead?" All my bravado has left me and my voice cracks.

  "Of course not! He's an idiot, we had a bad fight…we've been fighting since last night."

  "Then why did you do it?"

  "Because he’s an idiot...but he's my brother."

  I'd never ask him to go against his brother for me, I wouldn't dare "I hate him," I spit, wiping away a tear before it can roll down my cheek.

  Mark takes a step closer and wraps his arms around me. "I'm so sorry, Cat-Babe. He acted like a prick."

  "I don't want him speaking to me, ever again!" I pull away from his arms, pointing my finger at him.

  He nods and kisses me on the cheek. "Ignore him, okay? We'll go inside, stay half an hour then go home and finish the party properly."

  "And you'll be my slave all evening!" I point my finger at him again.

  "Your wish is my command, madame." He bows regally and I feel a tiny bit better.

  "And I get a foot massage, too!"

  He bursts out laughing, throwing his head back. "I can't wait."

  We walk back inside, arm in arm.

  Ben's standing a few feet away from our table, his arms folded over his chest, engaged in what looks like a very interesting conversation with Abby's friend. She's flirting, giggling, playing with her hair and he's...he's looking at her with that sexy smile that would make anyone fall in love with him. The look on his face is the same one that appears each time he leans in to kiss me.