Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  I open the front door trying to keep the noise to a minimum. I slip off my high heels and am heading for my bedroom when I hear Mark's laugh coming from the family room. Then I hear Jessica's voice and Mark laughs again.

  "That you, Cat?" Jess yells.

  "Yup!"

  "Then come and say hi, Cat-Babe! It's your birthday soon. We were waiting for you so we could celebrate."

  "They're your friends, right?" Leo nods encouragement. "Let's join them for a while."

  I enter the family room, which is lit only by the light of the TV, and the first person I see is Ben, sprawled on the swivel chair. He's barefoot and bare-chested and the house is unbearably hot even though it's December. I automatically hide my hand behind my back.

  "Hi, guys! How was dinner?" Erika asks, leaning over the back of the couch. Ben's immobile, all his attention focused on the TV screen.

  "Good, thanks. What are you watching?" I immediately change the subject.

  "'The Naked Gun'. It was Mark's turn to choose!" Erika makes a face.

  "Hey, you said it was one of your favorite movies and you wanted to watch it as much as me." Mark jumps to his feet and stands in front of her, his arms folded across his chest, which is bare, as usual. He pretends to be offended and his childish expression makes me laugh. I adore him. I want to wrap my arms around him, drag him into my room, and tell him what just happened then fall asleep next to him.

  I switch on the light and sit down at the kitchen table. Leonardo is stuck to me like Velcro. Two seconds later, Jessica, Erika, and Mark join us. Mark takes a stool then sets Erika on his knee.

  "So, Leo. What did you get her?" Jessica's shrill voice makes me freeze. Without Leo seeing, I open my eyes wide and glare at her, shaking my head slightly. She gets the message but it's too late. "And most of all, what have you done to that poor shirt of yours?" she continues, changing the subject.

  "I dropped half a cheesecake down my front. I've got strawberry syrup everywhere." Leo laughs and shrugs, then leans forward and kisses me tenderly on the lips. I know what he's doing. He's marking his territory again. It's not the kind of kiss you give in public and I curse him a thousand times. "Come on, darling. Show your friends..."

  Panic. Pure, unadulterated panic.

  I glare at him and squeeze my diamond-adorned hand tightly between my thighs.

  All eyes are on me. I’m the center of attention and I think I'm going to faint. Ben leans forward in our direction, making the chair creak.

  I smile but still don't move. Leo does, however. He grabs my hand and waves it in front of three pairs of astonished eyes.

  "Holy Shit!" Mark exclaims, jerking upright so quickly he almost drops Erika.

  Erika claps a hand over her mouth in amazement, while Jessica grabs my arm, closely scrutinizing my ring finger.

  A religious silence falls over the kitchen. It only lasts a few seconds however, because Ben suddenly breaks the icy atmosphere with raucous, almost hysterical laughter. Everyone turns to look at him. Everyone except me, the world's biggest coward.

  "Oh my God. This Leslie Nielsen guy kills me. He's a walking contradiction, always fucking up. Just when you think he's going to do the right thing, he fucks up again!" His tone quickly passes from amused to infuriated. He's referring to the film, but talking about me. He gets out of the chair and slowly walks toward me. I'm frozen. "Wow, Blondie. Congratulations." He glowers and I can hardly hold his gaze.

  I want to shout, tell him it's not what he thinks, that it's not an engagement ring. Well, yes, it is an engagement ring, but we're not engaged.

  "This calls for a celebration!" His euphoria takes my breath away. "We need to celebrate, absolutely! It's your birthday in fifteen minutes and we were waiting for you and wham!...just like that, you're freakin’ engaged!" He slaps Leo on the back as he walks over to the high kitchen cupboards and starts pulling things out like a madman.

  I look over at Mark but he's watching his brother, more terrified than me.

  "If you didn’t drink it without me, somewhere there's..." He pulls out three packets of pasta and throws them on the countertop, then stands on tiptoes, and reaches further back. "The last of the wine your dad bought. Ah, here it is..." He grabs a bottle of red wine and places it on the table.

  "It's a 2013... " He grimaces. "Guess we should have opened it a few hours ago to let it 'breathe'. That right, Blondie? Half hour for every year, was it?" He stares me straight in the eye but I can't find anything to say. "Ah, well. We don't have time for that shit. We'll drink it like this..." I'm totally stunned by his behavior. I'd expect something like this from Mark. Ben's more a smash-the-chairs-against-the-wall kind of guy. It's either that or icy stares, slammed doors, gloomy silences, and the threat of never seeing him again.

  "Ben," Jessica whispers. She smiles at him and stands by his side.

  "What?" he asks, feigning astonishment. "We were saving it for a special occasion, right? And what better occasion than this? I mean, they just got engaged." He turns, grinning, to Leo.

  "Ben," Erika ventures apprehensively. "I think Cat wants to celebrate with her boyfriend."

  "Sure, but I need to take a shower first," adds Leo.

  "You're so right!" He brings the tips of his finger to his lips. "You know, we should all take a shower. I mean, I'm hardly presentable like this..." He glances down at his bare chest. What the fuck is he up to? "I'm going to take a shower myself, right now." He's breathing furiously, through his mouth. Any minute now he's going to explode and take us all with him.

  "Leo, please. Go get changed," I tell him in Italian, forcing myself to smile yet again. He leaves the kitchen without protest.

  I need to talk to Ben, to explain that it's not what he thinks but, when I look over at him, he's striding out of the patio door. Without stopping to think, I follow him, almost running to catch up with him. "Ben!"

  "Get out of my sight, Cat, or it's going to get ugly." His anger is a punch to the stomach.

  I'm running now. I overtake him and cut him off. "It's not what you think. It's not an engagement ring."

  "No?" He grabs my hand and thrusts it in my face. "Does he know that, Cat, or is it just in your head that it's not an engagement ring?" He drops my hand and pushes past me.

  "Stop!" Tears sting my eyes and my voice breaks. I hug him from behind, resting my head on his back. He's warm and fragrant and I've missed him so much. "I swear, it's not what you think. Please, look at me."

  "I can't," he says, his voice hoarse. "You let him put a fucking engagement ring on your finger."

  I hold him even tighter, the tears I can no longer hold back, wet against his skin. He strokes my arms wrapped around his chest, soft, slow caresses that make me shiver. I have butterflies in my stomach, my heart's thudding in my chest, and the blood is flowing too fast in my veins...only Ben does this to me. "He took me by surprise. I was about to tell him I don't love him anymore and then, I don't know..."

  He spins around, shaking my hands off him. "What kind of person are you? Don't you have brains of your own? You don't let me get away with anything, you're always on the warpath, defending your position like a rabid Chihuahua but with him you're...just who are you, really?"

  "I'm myself only when I'm with you. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that till tonight." I hurl myself at him, my lips glued to his, not caring about anything else or even that Leo might see us.

  He tries to push me away but I cling on even tighter and when our mouths meet there's nothing we can do. Only his lips can make me breathe again. His strong hand clutches my hair and he draws me close with a kiss that breaks my soul as our bodies merge, our heartbeats become one. He's trembling, or perhaps it’s me, shaking at the contact with his skin. I missed his tongue against mine, his full lips playing with mine, making me feel beautiful and alive. I want him. I know that now but he pulls away all too soon.

  He puts his hands over his eyes, suffocating a moan. "You having fun, Blondie? It feel goods, yeah? Treating me like this? Seeing me at
your feet, picking me up and dropping me again when it suits you?"

  "No, I'm not having fun. I feel horrible and want you, only you." I try to get closer but he takes a step back, ignoring my pleas.

  "You know what? I don't believe you. You say you want me now, then you'll go back and say the same thing to him. I've heard it all before and I know how this story ends for me. Badly. Now, go home to your Prince Charming, marry him, have a million babies together. Let him shower you with diamonds, I don’t care. Your confusion isn't my problem and, quite honestly, I don't want to waste my time on you anymore."

  He looks me up and down and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. His gesture is so brutal it starts off another wave of tears that shakes me from head to toe. I've never cried so much as in these last few days.

  "No!" I quickly wipe my cheeks. He can't leave, not after all we've said. He's the one who makes my heart beat faster. To hell with my guilty conscience, to hell with everyone, he has to understand.

  Ben lights up the screen on his cell phone and smiles wryly before turning it around so I can see. The first thing I notice is the photo he's set as his home screen. It's us, at Daytona Beach the night before we drove back to Orlando. He has one arm wrapped around my shoulder and we're laughing at one of Mark's stupid jokes. It's beautiful, natural, and spontaneous. We look like the perfect couple, not a care in the world, so far away from all the shit I've dragged us into.

  "One minute after midnight!" he says sadly. "Happy Birthday, Blondie. You can go back and celebrate with your fiancé now."

  He moves in so fast I think my heart is going to stop. He cups my face in his hands and wipes my tears away with his thumbs. His mouth is on my forehead and I'm about to crumble. He kisses me gently, then pulls away and leaves, staring straight ahead, his back rigid.

  I go back to the house, holding onto the door frame to stop myself from falling, a sharp pain in my chest making it hard to breathe.

  Out of nowhere, Mark appears and takes me by the shoulders.

  "I can't get it off," I cry between sobs. I pull at the ring again, but it's stuck on my finger. "Mark, please. Get it off me." I'm shaking like a leaf, tugging at the ring, which refuses to budge.

  "Calm down, Cat." He blocks my hand and looks me straight in the eye. He twists the ring slowly around my finger a couple of times then gently pulls it off. "Hey, Babe. What's happened?"

  "I've ruined everything," is all I can say as I rush from the kitchen.

  I lock myself in Jessica and Erika's bathroom and wash my face. I borrow a little makeup remover and wipe away the rivulets of mascara from under my eyes. Clenching the ring tight in my fist, I try to find the courage to go and speak with Leonardo.

  He's in my room, a towel wrapped around his waist, looking for something in the dresser drawer I emptied just for him.

  "One minute and I'm ready," he says, his back to me.

  "I can't accept it." He spins around. I'm leaning against the closed door of my room, my hand outstretched, the ring lying on my palm.

  "Sorry?"

  "The ring. I can't accept it."

  He sits down on my bed, his hands flat on the mattress.

  "Why not?"

  "Because you caught me off guard, that's why. It's beautiful, but I'm not ready." I stand here motionless, my hand stretched out, too weak to walk over to him.

  "I told you, it's just a stupid ring to show you how much I love you," he scoffs, struggling to maintain a neutral tone.

  "Whatever it means, I can't accept it. It's too much and it's not what I want." Ben's right. With him I'm aggressive, I bare my teeth and stand up to him as if it were a matter of life or death, but with Leonardo, I freeze. When we're together it's like I'm instantly catapulted into a make-believe world of appearance and good manners, where you have to keep everything bottled up and your head, and voice, low.

  "You don't want the ring or you don't want me?" he asks faintly.

  "I'm only twenty. I don't know what the world has in store for me. I tried to tell you at dinner, but I couldn't find the right words. We've always been happy together, the perfect couple. But you're right, as soon as I got to Orlando I started seeing things differently and that was enough to make me start doubting things. Tell me the truth, Leo. If we were in Rome, celebrating my birthday at Le Vele, would you have given me this ring?"

  He looks at me, confused. "If I felt you slipping away like I do now, then yes, I would."

  I go over and take his face in my hands. "But a ring won't solve anything! If we're destined to be together for the rest of our lives, then we will be, with or without some stupid ring." I sit down next to him and place it on the nightstand. "I need some time to figure things out. I don't know what's changed since I've been here but everything's different, I'm not sure about anything anymore."

  "Yeah, I'd figured that out." He laughs bitterly.

  "I'm sorry. I know I'm being really selfish right now, you don't deserve this shit from me, not now, with all your own problems..."

  He interrupts me. It's becoming an annoying habit, not letting me finish. "Let's leave my problems out of this, I want to know what's changed between us."

  "Me. I've changed."

  He stands up and gets dressed, pulling on the first things he finds, then snatches a pack of cigarettes from the desk and taps one out. He's hardly smoked since he arrived and I don't have the courage to point out how disgusting I find it. He tucks the pack into his pocket then rolls the cigarette between his fingers a couple of times.

  "We're not breaking up, so forget it. We don't have enough time now to talk or solve the situation. You're confused? Good, take all the space you need. When you come home for Christmas we'll face our problems, in Rome, surrounded by your life, and perhaps you'll remember just what really matters. I'm going for a smoke."

  And that is that. He walks out of the room, leaving me sitting on the bed, my hands in my hair.

  I suppose it could have been worse.

  I fall back onto the bed, my face in my hands.

  We're not breaking up, so forget it...

  37

  I don't know how long I've been staring up at the ceiling, the LED spotlight in my eyes, the music turned off, silence all around me.

  "Do you want to try Cat's song again?"

  I jump when I hear Mark's voice. I never even heard him come home.

  "We're not playing Cat's song," I reply, my voice hard.

  "But it's her birthday present."

  "We're not playing. Period." She deserves nothing.

  "Well, sorry, but you don't get to decide for everyone. We organized a party for her and we're going to turn up, play, and give her a good time." He walks out before I can reply but I hear him hiss, "Asshole!" before he drags his ass back to the family room on the other side of the house.

  What is there to celebrate anyhow? Her birthday? Her fake fucking engagement or the fact that she’s so fucking wishy-washy? Why not celebrate it all!

  I have to get her out of my head. I don't want a girl like that. I fell in love with her mischievous spirit, the Caterina who pretended not to stare at me while we did our homework together, who rolls her eyes when I show off in front of my friends. Whatever happened to her?

  If I showed up with a new girl at our table at the bar, she'd smile politely but blank me for the rest of the evening, even if I did everything to get her attention.

  She turned my head from the very first time. That moment when she handed me the beer her dad asked her to bring out, while we were working on my car, the defiant look on her face, as if it were beneath her. She was so cute, with her tiny shorts and that insolent expression, the sun turning her eyes an intense shade of yellow. Where did she go? She was free to express exactly how she felt without having to answer to anyone. She's so different when she's with that jackass, so…so servile.

  I’m myself only when I’m with you. I’m sorry, I only realized it tonight.

  It doesn't matter. I have to get her out of my head.
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  They want a concert? That's what they'll get.

  I send a message to the Matching Scars group chat, informing them of the four songs I'm going to sing, signing off with “That’s How It Is.”

  Ryan and Kris respond in a couple of minutes, with 'Okay' and 'You're losing it, man', respectively.

  Mark waits for the guys to answer before shouting from the family room, "Do what the fuck you like! I'm going out!” And the door slams behind him.

  I thought I'd feel better but I think I've just reached a new level of pathetic. She doesn't deserve the song we rehearsed. She's not so important, she's not even special.

  Okay, she is, but after tonight, things are going to change. I'm going back to my usual behavior, this brief parenthesis never happened. As of tomorrow, only college, music, music, and college.

  I reach over to the nightstand and turn on the docking station. “Torn to Pieces” by Pop Evil blares out and I smile.

  I take the box with Cat's gift from the nightstand drawer and place it on my chest. The long, slim package rises and falls with the rhythm of my breathing. I thought it was a beautiful gift but then Leonardo shows up with his fucking diamond ring, making it clear that I can never compete with him.

  I open the box and run my fingers over the silver bracelet inside. I take it out and hold it up: three charms stare back at me as I dangle it from my index finger. What would she do with such an insignificant gift? I turn it around on my finger, feeling an uncontrollable urge to throw it against the wall. The charms jingle as they brush against each other: a cat, a stylized heart, and a stupid spaceship.

  It’s better like this anyway. I'd been panicking for a week, thinking about the moment I gave it to her, not to mention, the fun the guys would have had at my expense when they found out about it. I put the bracelet back in its box and toss it onto the bed then reach for the light switch and darkness covers everything: my thoughts, my mood, my anger.

  Blondie's bedroom light is on but there doesn't seem to be anyone in there. I sit up and look out the window. God knows why, but I can't help spying on her. What do I think is going to happen? Would it help to get her out of my head if I saw her with him? Nah, probably not. If anything, I'd be even more jealous. Cat appears in front of me, gazing out of her own window and I instinctively back away, hiding behind the curtain, which is pretty absurd, since she can't see me. I inch out of my hiding place and watch her. She's still wearing the black dress she wore for dinner. She folds her arms across her chest and leans her forehead against the glass. She looks so sad that my stomach leaps into my throat. I could stay here and watch her all night. Why do I feel so strongly about her yet find it impossible to behave rationally when she's around? If she pushes me away, I have a visceral urge to follow her, but if she takes a step toward me, I crawl back into my shell. She kissed me in the garden, exposing herself more than she's ever done before. She took a huge risk and I still pushed her away.