Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  I carefully stroke the paper and block a tear before it falls. No more tears, I'm happy now. This is what I wanted and it's time to take the bull by the horns...or is it the balls? It doesn't matter. It's time to be happy.

  Jessica replies to my text and I sigh with relief.

  JESSICA: Cat! We're at Daytona Beach. The guys are playing Frankie's tonight and are getting ready. I so wish you were here. If you have time, text Ben. He's not heard from you for twenty-four hours and he’s like a ticking time bomb. We miss you so much. Enjoy yourself in Rome and come back soon!

  54

  "Hey, Romeo. Still nothing from Juliet?" Kris gives me a huge slap on the back, his cheerful voice making me even more nervous.

  "Ouch!" I shake him off with a glare, hoping he understands I'm not in the mood for his bullshit right now. "Why are you always such a jerk? We never talk about girls and you've never given a shit about who I screw around with, so why now? What the fuck do you want?"

  I stand here, my arms crossed, frowning. I've had it up to here with him.

  "You can be such a dick when you want! I'm just worried. You've had that long face for days and I don't like to see you like this." His sincere tone surprises me. "What can I do to cheer you up?"

  "Nothing," I scoff. "I'm sorry. I know I can be a real pain at times, but I haven't heard from her since she told me she was meeting that ex of hers...why doesn't she write?" In my head, she's with him.

  "Shit, man. You've always been my idol, but now you're acting like a wimp!" he teases and I feel like punching him. It's impossible to have a serious conversation with this guy. "Come on, I'm just kidding. Stop worrying so much, she'll be busy, that's all. Okay?"

  Okay, my ass! She's so busy she can't find two minutes to write a text? Oh, God...I've heard that before, but it’s usually from girls, screaming it at me.

  "I'm pathetic." I raise my hands in surrender and laugh nervously. Shit! I really am pathetic. I'm like a high school girly-girl with her eyes glued to her cell phone all day, wondering why the guy doesn't call back when, nine times out of ten, he's already in bed with another girl.

  "No, you're not. You're just in love. Okay, then, perhaps you're a little pathetic. Benjamin Carter, the Don Juan of Daytona Beach, hordes of women throwing themselves at your feet, guys want to be you and girls want to be with you...and where are you? Locked away in this room, checking your phone every thirty seconds. What's happened to you, bro?"

  "I miss her." I know he's going to make fun of me forever now, but it's true. I miss her.

  "Then call her."

  What? No way! "Nope, I can’t chase after her all the time. If she doesn't want me, I can't make her."

  Kris shrugs. "So what are you going to do? Beat yourself up until she comes back?"

  I put my face in my hands and rub my eyes. "I'm going crazy. I think I'm getting sick."

  "We've all been there. You're not sick. You're hopeless, but you're not sick." Kris smiles and hands me a beer.

  "What time are we on?" I ask, changing the subject.

  "Whenever you say. We're all ready to go."

  "Give me a minute and I'll be right out."

  Kris leaves the room and I sit down on a ramshackle old chair in the corner. I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath. Where the hell is she?

  I gaze down at my phone again and decide to send one more text. It infuriates me to think I'm the one always doing the chasing, but I need to do this. Kris is right; I can't think of anything but her.

  BENJAMIN: Hi, Blondie. We’re at Frankie’s, about to go on stage. Everything okay?

  I press 'send' before I can change my mind. I'm about to stand up when my phone rings and I can't move. It's a text from Cat and my heart almost bursts with joy and fear at the same time.

  CATERINA: Ben… Remember I had something important to tell you before I left? I don’t know if I can wait till January seven…

  That's it?

  I sit here like an idiot, staring down at my phone.

  Mark walks in, making me jump. "What the fuck, Ben? We're all waiting, move your ass!"

  He's gone before I can reply. I don't have time to answer Blondie. I slip my phone into my back pocket and make my way to the stage.

  I walk on stage, my head down, waving at the crowd as they clap and call my name. What the hell did she mean?

  I plug my guitar into the speakers and walk over to the mic, blowing on it to make sure it's on.

  We start with “Take my Hand”. For tonight we've decided to do only Simple Plan covers.

  The guys are focused one hundred percent. Kris glances over and flashes me a knowing grin.

  What’s he got to smile about? I'm falling apart and our next song couldn't sum up my feelings any better as I launch into “Never Should Have Let You Go”, hoping she'll hear me in Rome.

  The crowd goes wild when we start “The End”. I gaze distractedly down off the stage and see my mom smiling as if her heart's about to burst with joy. This song brings back too many memories, not all of them pleasant. Behind me, Kris is playing so enthusiastically my stomach vibrates as I let myself be carried away by the music.

  Mark introduces “I Can't Wait” and for a second, just for a second, I see her there, in front of me. I close my eyes, but when I open them again, she's gone. I'm going crazy, I'm seriously losing my mind.

  My eyes meet Rachel's and she runs her tongue over her lips so pathetically I have to look away so I don't laugh.

  There's no one like Caterina Zanetti. My mom was right. I have to go get her because there's no other girl in the world that I want to hold in my arms except her, my little Blondie. So petite, the way she looks down her nose at me, her smooth, tanned legs. I promised myself I'd be a better person for her, that I'd fight for her, that I would never let an ocean divide us. I won't allow anything in the world to separate us, because she's mine, my breath of fresh air, and I need to tell her. I'm so agitated I can hardly breathe and she needs to see what I'm like when she's not around, she needs to see just how much I need her in my life.

  We finish and, while Mark introduces the last song, I turn to Kris. "You were right. I'm hopeless. I'm going over there and bringing her back."

  He throws his head back, laughing heartily. "You're such an idiot, bro." He shakes his head. "Look out there, in front..."

  I frown and turn toward the crowd but I still don't understand. Ryan comes out from behind his keyboard and gives me a slap on the back, then takes my guitar from around my neck. "What the fuck...?" I growl, hoping no one notices what's happening.

  "Didn't you hear Mark?"

  Confused, I turn and see Mark putting down his bass and picking up his acoustic guitar.

  I stand here like an idiot, in the middle of the stage, not knowing what to do. Kris is laughing, Ryan picks up a guitar and sits down on a stool on Kris’s right.

  Mark walks over and whispers softly in my ear. "Come on, Ben." He smiles. "Do “Hunger”. You can't keep Blondie waiting all night!"

  My heart literally stops. My brother is still grinning as he points out into the crowd but I can't see a thing, all the blood has gone to my head and I feel dizzy.

  Blondie? Where?

  Then I see her and I have to blink ten times before my eyes focus properly. Each time I close my eyes, I think she'll disappear again, but she doesn't. She's there, standing at the front of the stage, smiling like it's the most natural thing in the world.

  Her yellow, wildcat eyes are so bright they're like fireworks and she's biting her bottom lip to hold back her amazing laughter.

  I can't move. I stand here, paralyzed, unable to take my eyes off her.

  "Ben!" Mark’s voice brings me back down to earth for a second, just long enough to shake my head and smile back at her.

  Somehow, I make my way over to Ryan's keyboard and insert piano mode.

  How can she be here? Tonight? Right now? I'll never be able to play now, let alone sing.

  But I'm wrong. My fingers run over
the keys and it's like I'm suddenly two separate people. One person is playing and singing, the other is standing at the front of the stage, gazing down at her.

  I focus my eyes on her and she takes a step closer. My mother is next to her and...so is her father. What the hell is going on?

  I don't have time to think about it. I become one with the song, singing it to her alone, like it's the last song she'll ever hear.

  This time, she doesn't walk out. She waits for me to finish, claps, then takes another step toward the small stage, moving closer and closer. And this time, I don't wait for Mark to thank everyone and get lost in another of his long speeches. I jump down off the stage and she's there, in front of me.

  All I can say is, "What are you doing here?" What I want to tell her is that I'm crazy about her, that I'm so happy my heart is about to burst, that I couldn't stand the thought of her being so far away and all I can say is a banal, 'What are you doing here?'

  She runs a hand over my face, caressing me softly. I hear the guys start playing again, diverting attention away from me and Cat, and they have no idea how grateful I am.

  "I told you, I have something important to say and it couldn’t wait." Her accent is so sweet, it makes me fall in love again, over and over. "It was always you. I couldn't tell you out loud, but I never had any doubts."

  I don't know if she has anything else to say, but I don't care. All I need to know is that she's right here with me, as beautiful and as sweet as ever. My snobby bitch, rebellious to the end, brave and fearless. I'm madly in love with her.

  My heart is on fire and I feel my legs growing weaker. I take her by the hand and drag her into the small room where we keep our instruments and hang out before the concerts.

  I close the door behind us and push her up against the wall, then lean down and kiss her. "Are you really here?" I whisper against her lips, unable to pull away.

  "I'm here." She caresses my cheek and I finally open my eyes. "And I love you, so much I think my heart will explode."

  I wrap my arms around her and swear to myself that I'll never let her go again. She’s all I need and I should have known, the first time I laid eyes on her, that my life would never be the same again. With her enormous suitcase full of dreams, her disarming smile and proud look on her face, she turned my life upside down before I even knew her name.

  No one will ever make my heart beat fast like her or stand up to me, forcing me to see things from a different point of view, like her.

  Yours, always and forever. She wrote that only a couple of days ago. And as corny as it may sound, I'll always be hers, too, always and forever.

  Perhaps the only truth that counts is, neither of us ever had a choice in all this. We were destined to be together, always and forever.

  LETTER TO THE READERS

  Dear Reader,

  If you are reading this I hope it means that you enjoyed this long journey. There are a few things I would like to tell you. I’ll start with the most important one: “Choose Me” is the very first book I ever published. Its original title is “Scegli Me” and it was first published in Italian on July 2016.

  This book is a stand-alone, but part of a series: the Matching Scars Series. For now only “Choose Me” has been translated but I’m working on the others. If you turn page, you will find the first chapter of the second book of the series: “How long is Forever”. But I have to warn you...turn page at your own risk!!!

  Ben and Cat are my dream come true, they have inspired me so many stories after this and I love them as if they were real.

  Having this book translated in English was my dream and I still can’t believe it has come true.

  So thank you for giving me a chance, it means the world to me.

  HOW LONG IS FOREVER

  1

  With trembling hands, I scroll the cursor over the mail that just arrived from the Canadian immigration offices, but just can't find the courage to open it. I don’t think I could stand yet another disappointment. I've been finding out everything I can about Toronto for months now and must have sent my résumé to all the companies in the city, hoping at least one of them will reply. At this point, I'd even work as a night-watchman in a warehouse. Anything would be better than staying one more minute in a city which no longer feels like home.

  "Cate, could you bring me the Angiolini file, please?" Alessandro, my boss, calls out and my daydream fades instantly.

  "Coming." I noisily push back my chair and close the page of my email account. I've been staring at the message for over twenty minutes unable to convince myself to open it, so another ten minutes won't make any difference.

  What if I haven't been accepted on their Permanent Residency Program this year either? What if I end up stuck in this city forever? What if I stopped jinxing myself and started thinking positively? Now that would be a good place to start.

  I don't know how, but sooner or later I'll get out of this place. My dad is well, better, anyway. Once the doctors told him it wasn't Parkinson's and he accepted his new condition, things slowly got back to normal. If you consider being forced to sell the house at the seashore, the one in the mountains, losing your job and facing one round of depression after another 'normal', then things are going great.

  I go back to my desk and try to focus on the new program they installed for managing the golf club accounts.

  "Caterina." At the sound of Leonardo’s embarrassed, high-pitched voice, my stomach cramps and I can't bear to look up at him. He’s my ex-boyfriend and he’s spent the last two years treating me like dirt, doing everything he could to turn every single one of the friends we had in common against me, never missing the chance to humiliate me, spreading lies about me, making sure people called me names behind my back, until last month, when he came crawling back with his tail between his legs and a million excuses, promising to make me happy.

  Whenever I see him I want to shove two fingers down my throat. That's the effect he has on me now. I don't feel one shred of affection for him.

  "Hi, I came to pick up the receipt for the last quarter."

  Pathetic! Of all the excuses to choose from, he comes up with that one?

  "We send receipts by post, and you know that. Are you trying to save us the cost of a stamp?" I barely glance up. Creep!

  "My father needs it," he mumbles. Yeah, sure.

  "He can get it from the reception tomorrow morning. Sorry, but I'm a little busy right now," I say, cutting him off.

  "Okay, then. Thanks." He splutters, immobile in front of me.

  "Did you need anything else?" The wild beast inside me, that's taken over my body and soul, just won't let me be nice to him.

  I spent four incredible years with this guy before leaving for a year of college in Florida. I know I didn't behave too well in his absence...okay, I behaved very badly: I fell madly in love with my neighbor after only twenty-four hours...who am I kidding? After only twenty-four minutes in my new home. I cheated on Leo and the way I broke up with him was pretty brutal. But he's made me pay for it, with interest rates worthy of a loan shark.

  "You've become so cold, it's like you're a different person. I don't know what to think anymore."

  I almost laugh in his face. I'm not like a different person...I am a different person, thanks to him and the hell he put me through over the past two years, with his bullying. Thanks to my father's illness that almost made us touch rock bottom and thanks to that guy, whose name I still can't say out loud, the one I fell in love with, who I loved with all my heart, the same guy who promised to love me always and forever and who destroyed all my dreams in less than twenty-four hours. It's thanks to them that I've changed, and not for the better.

  I refuse to think about it, it hurts too much to remember. It's all in the past now. I'm going to open that damned mail. It's going to confirm that I've got my Canadian Green Card and, by the end of summer, I'm going to leave all this behind.

  "Yes, well, it's a shame no one gives a shit what you think. It's none of your
business if I'm cold, different, changed, or if I hate the whole damn world." I glare at him, concentrating all my hatred into one look. "Now, if you could just piss off, I have work to do."

  "Sooner or later you're going to forgive me, Cate. Despite all the hurt I caused you, you and I are destined to be together!"

  I smile and flutter my eyelids sexily. "I hope I’m struck down by severe vaginal itching before that ever happens."

  Is he for real? Perhaps he's forgotten what he said the first time we bumped into each other at the golf club, where I'm a member and where I've been working since I got back from Florida.

  "Well, well, well. Look who's here. Did you get a nice, warm welcome from your friends when you got back? Ah, sorry, I forgot. You don't have any friends and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it stays that way."

  And the second time: "Was it worth it, throwing us away, just to shag a loser who drives a junk heap, like some cheap whore?" He'd grabbed my arm and pushed me up against the wall. "You're so tacky."

  I could go on...

  Then, after a while, the rumors about me calmed down, his friends didn't bother me anymore, and my ex-friends, Monica and Giulia, came crawling back, full of remorse and fake excuses, only to be sent back where they came from, with enough 'fuck you's' to last them a lifetime.

  So, he's definitely had his revenge, but he's right about one thing. I have no friends. I'm all alone. It's not all down to Leonardo, however, I'm the first to blame for my loneliness and unhappiness.

  Leo shakes his head and is about to say something else when Alessandro comes out of his office and joins me at my desk. "Mr. Ranieri, can we help you?" he asks, barely concealing a note of sarcasm. I’m pretty sure now that he dislikes him even more than me.