All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  When Mo slowed her steps, Kate was aware that the music had stopped and the instructor was talking. But Mo didn’t let go of her hand. If she’d only wanted to show off, if the dance itself meant nothing, she would have let go—wouldn’t she? The instructor turned the music on again and the other dancers began moving around them.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah…all good.” Too good. Kate pulled her hand back, the desire she’d felt as they’d danced burned inside her. She wanted more. But she had no business dancing another song with Mo.

  She looked at the table where Terri had been sitting. Their drinks were still there, but an older couple had taken up the space. “I should find Terri.”

  “She’s over there.” Mo pointed across the room. “She didn’t get much of a break.”

  A handsome Mexican man had Terri on the dance floor. Or she had him. It was hard to say who was enjoying the dance more.

  “He’s a good dancer,” Mo added.

  “They look great together.”

  “You’re not jealous?”

  Kate shook her head. “She can dance with whoever she likes. And if she’s with him, I won’t feel guilty dancing another song with you.”

  Mo seemed about to say something in response, but then she took Kate’s hand and they were in motion again. After that, Mo’s eyes never seemed to leave hers and all Kate could think of was how good it felt to be close to her. Dancing gave her the excuse she needed. Once the music ended, she’d have to keep a careful distance, but until then, she didn’t want to. She wanted Mo’s arms wrapped around her, wanted Mo pulling her close. When Mo’s gaze traveled up and down her body, there was no doubt she liked what she saw. Even if Mo wouldn’t say she was attracted to her aloud, Kate could see how she looked at her. Mo wanted her, at least here, in this moment.

  Several more songs passed before Kate remembered Terri. She spotted her on the dance floor still but with a new partner, an older woman who had announced at the start of the dance class that salsa dancing was all the rage in the small town in Canada from which she hailed. Terri had her laughing about something as they danced, and Kate decided to stop worrying. Terri could clearly take care of herself.

  “Do you want to dance with someone else?” Mo asked.

  “No—aside from the instructor, you’re the best dancer here.”

  “I like that answer.”

  “What about you?” Kate asked. “You wouldn’t have any trouble finding another partner. They’re short on leads…”

  “I’m only here tonight because of you.”

  They started dancing again and Mo’s words ran through her mind. She already knew how Mo felt, didn’t she? It wasn’t Mo’s fault that they weren’t together. She knew that now more than ever. It was her fault, her issues, that stopped her from pressing her lips against Mo’s.

  For once she wanted to believe that her past didn’t exist, that her old issues hadn’t followed her. For one night, she wanted to push away all the reasons why they couldn’t be together. She looked into Mo’s eyes, saw the desire she knew would be there, and let go of the last bit of her inhibitions.

  On the next step, Mo pulled her close and Kate lingered in her arms instead of spinning away. She let her hand caress Mo’s lower back and the rest of the room disappeared. She didn’t need to pretend to look anywhere else.

  Mo stopped dancing and their eyes met. Kate fought to control her breathing. Had she gone too far with the caress? A moment later Mo let go of her hand. The music had changed to a pop song.

  “That was fun. Did I pass?”

  “Not bad for a club dancer.” Kate hoped the light tone would cover how she really felt.

  “Not bad? That’s all I get? For real?”

  “If I say you were the best partner I’ve ever had you’ll never let up.” But Kate felt some freedom admitting it aloud.

  “Say it anyway.”

  The challenge in Mo’s eyes seared. Kate wanted to step forward and kiss her so desperately it was hard to think of anything else. It took every ounce of control to hold her gaze as she said, “Dancing with you was incredible. Happy?”

  “How about mind-blowing?”

  “Don’t push it.” Kate smiled as Mo laughed.

  She forced herself to look away from Mo and spotted Terri coming their way. Instinctively, she took a step away from Mo. With the one move, the distance between them felt insurmountable again.

  “You two were amazing out there,” Terri said, smiling first at Kate and then at Mo. “I think you need to sign up for one of those dance competitions.”

  Mo looked over at Kate with a sheepish grin. “I’ll go get our drinks.”

  As soon as she went to get the drinks from the table, Terri turned to Kate and said, “Okay. Wow. Serious chemistry. How is it that you two haven’t slept together all these years?”

  Before Kate could answer, Mo came back. She handed Terri and Kate each their bottled water and then held up her phone. “I’m gonna be outside for a minute. I have to make a call.”

  Kate felt reality kick her in the stomach. Mo must have heard back from Chantal. She tried not to let her emotions show as she turned to Terri. “You looked great out there. How’d you like the class?”

  “It was fun,” Terri said.

  Kate could hear the hesitation in her voice and she knew that by dancing with Mo, even if Terri had suggested it, she’d disrupted whatever bond they’d started to form. She wasn’t sure what to do to fix it. Or if she should even try. It wasn’t fair using someone else to get over Mo. She doubted it would work anyway.

  Terri finished the last bit of her water and held up the empty bottle. “I think I’m ready for a Coke. I need some sugar. Want anything?”

  “Coke sounds perfect.”

  Terri followed Kate to the bar. As they waited, Kate wondered what Mo was saying to Chantal. She knew it wasn’t her business, but she wanted to call Chantal herself to tell her she was making a mistake if she picked anyone over Mo.

  “I hope I didn’t overstep when I said you and Mo had chemistry.”

  “No, it’s fine. I just don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m not asking you for an explanation. Some things you can’t fight.”

  The bliss she’d felt dancing was gone now, replaced with a familiar ache as well as a new pinch of guilt. She’d let down Terri and she still had no claim to Mo.

  “Do you know who she’s calling?” Terri asked.

  “Her girlfriend…She’s in London on a work trip and things aren’t going that great between them.”

  Terri clasped her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m not one to tell people what to do, but I think you should tell her how you feel. Even if she’s got a girlfriend. When you dance with her, it’s obvious there’s something going on between you—at least to everyone else in the room.” She let go of Kate’s hand as the bartender came over.

  As Terri ordered, Kate wondered if she should argue again that nothing was going on. But she doubted Terri would believe her. She eyed the doorway Mo had disappeared through, hoping she’d reappear. That would only make things more awkward between her and Terri, however.

  After they’d gotten their drinks, they settled in at one of the tables facing the dance floor. A server brought over a bowl of chips and salsa and Terri murmured a few words of appreciation in Spanish before digging in. Kate settled back in her chair and took a big sip of the Coke. She usually ordered diet, but one taste and she decided the sugar splurge was worth it.

  “You and Mo stole the show tonight. Even the instructor was watching you two.”

  “She was?”

  Terri laughed. “You two were in your own little world.”

  “That’s how I get when I dance. It’s the one time when I can really let go.” Kate hesitated. “But I feel like I should apologize. I wasn’t the best date tonight. We only danced a few songs together.”

  “Relax. I was the one who told you to dance with her.” Terri clinked her
bottle of Coke against Kate’s. “And it was fun to watch you two. Besides, I had a good time dancing with Tomas and Gwen.”

  “You make friends wherever you go, don’t you?”

  “I love getting to know new people. And I love flirting.”

  “You’re good at it. I mean, it feels authentic—it’s almost as if you really like people,” Kate smiled.

  “Almost.” Terri winked. She leaned back in her seat. “I kept hoping I was reading the signals wrong with you and Mo, but I also knew that I wasn’t. The way Mo looks at you… You’re more to her than a friend.”

  Before tonight, she would have argued that Terri was wrong. But now she’d felt Mo’s hands pulling her close, seen the way Mo’s eyes had traveled up and down her body…

  “The thing is, we’re really close friends so it’s confusing and I think people read more into it than is actually there, most of the time.”

  “When you dance together, it’s not confusing.”

  “Maybe what we have is different than most friendships but…” Kate stopped herself from saying Mo didn’t want more. “For the record, I was telling the truth. We’ve never hooked up.”

  “I believe you. Though, in my opinion, that’s worse. If you two were old lovers, there’d be history but I’d know that you tried that path and it didn’t work. As it is… I don’t want to get involved with someone if they’re not really available. I’ve been down that road before.”

  “I understand—and I don’t blame you. This is probably going to come out wrong, but I really like you and I think you’d be good for me. I wish we’d met when I was already over Mo. I can’t tell you how much I’ve been trying to get there. I’m sorry I’m not yet.”

  “Don’t apologize. I’m the one who asked you out even though it didn’t take a mind reader to see there was more than a friendship between you two. You’re pretty much exactly my type. Attractive, smart, and unavailable.”

  “Is there a chance we could be friends instead?”

  “I’d like that. I could use a friend. Probably what I need more than a girlfriend, actually.” Terri smiled wryly. “Less drama.”

  Kate smiled back. “I’ve never felt more relaxed with someone I just met. You’re really genuine—there’s no pretenses.”

  “If only there was a way to add recommendations to dating profiles.”

  “Oh, I could add a lot more than genuine.” Kate wondered if she was making a mistake. If Mo wasn’t part of the picture, she’d be kissing Terri tonight. Why was she still holding out for something that wasn’t going to happen?

  “I tried online dating for a while—after my therapist made me promise to do something to show that I thought I was someone worth dating.”

  “How’d it go?”

  Kate scrunched up her face. “I bet you can guess.”

  “I know it works for some people. I keep wondering what their secret is…”

  “Desperation?”

  Terri laughed again. “I’ve done my share of therapy as well. At least I can say that I’ve worked on my emotional growth, which I’m pretty certain leads most people to a single life.”

  “You may be on to something. My therapist keeps saying ‘love yourself and let go of the people in life who don’t love you back.’ Then I’m surprised when I’m living alone.”

  “Do we have the same therapist?” Terri chuckled. “I know you aren’t looking for advice but…Mo loves you back.”

  “Now we’re getting into complicated territory.”

  “My favorite type of territory,” Terri quipped. “So why haven’t you and Mo dated?”

  “She’s never asked. And I’ve never been brave enough.” Kate felt her throat tighten. No way was she going to start crying now. She swallowed back the emotion, and said, “I’ve tried to let her know I’m interested. I mean, not directly, but she was pretty clear about her answer. She only wants to be friends.”

  “Hmm.” Terri pursed her lips. She looked over at the dance floor, giving Kate enough time to try and master her emotions. “I get the feeling that Mo thinks that you don’t want her.”

  “Really?”

  Terri nodded. “I think you have to be direct.”

  But Mo knew how she felt, Kate argued silently. She thought of the near kiss in Hawaii and shook her head. “It’s a moot point. Mo has a girlfriend.”

  “What would happen if you told her how you feel anyway?”

  “It’d push her away,” Kate said. She was convinced of that much.

  “I think you need to give her the chance to make up her own mind—instead of deciding this for her. Tell her how you feel even if you think it’s too late. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.” Terri paused. “You’ll probably think I’m crazy, but I love astrology. I’m thinking you’re a July baby. Cancer?”

  “How’d you guess? July 10th.”

  Terri slapped the table, clearly proud of herself. “I should get a second job.”

  “Aren’t you a doctor? Like an internist or something? And you’re into astrology?”

  “Well, yes.” Terri picked up a chip and dipped it in the salsa. “And most of my friends think it’s silly, but humans have been studying the stars for longer than we’ve been practicing medicine. There’s a chance that we’ve learned something, right?” She crunched on the chip and then reached for another. “We accept that how the moon and the stars align affect us. Why do we have to be so sure that it stops there?”

  Kate shrugged. “Because there’s no proof?”

  “As much as I like the scientific method, I’m willing to accept that some things can’t be proven—or disproven—by science. Don’t take this the wrong way, but all of my Cancer friends are loyal to a fault. I think it might be a low self-esteem thing most of the time. And they all pretty much suck at dating, but they crave love more than anyone.”

  “There’s a right way to take that?”

  Terri laughed. “Being loyal is an amazing quality. And needing stability isn’t a bad thing…but you can get caught in a rut that way and convince yourself that you shouldn’t take risks.”

  “Sometimes I take risks.”

  “In love?”

  Kate shook her head.

  Terri continued, “You want someone who’s gonna love you in spite of your faults, right? But you’re pretty sure those faults make you unlovable.” She waited for Kate’s nod. “The thing is, you’d love someone, no matter what their faults. And you could commit to them forever. That makes you pretty amazing.”

  Kate didn’t say that Terri had read her perfectly. “I don’t think that makes me amazing. More like a hopeless romantic.”

  “That too. I love Cancer people. You know Reed’s a Cancer. Took her forever to find someone strong enough to hold her, but Julia’s perfect and there’s no way Reed’s letting her go.”

  Kate thought of Reed proposing to Julia in front of everyone on the plane. Reed was a heck of a lot braver than she’d ever be. “What’s your sign?”

  “If only that was a pick-up line,” Terri said, adding a wink. She pointed to one of the tattoos above her elbow—a pair of green fish swimming in opposite directions. “Pisces. We’re trouble. We can read people like an open book but never let anyone know what we’re thinking. Overly sensitive, moody, judgmental, cold. My exes both gave me a long list of things to work on. Oh, and apparently I can’t make up my mind. You dodged a bullet.”

  “Actually I found someone that has all the makings of a perfect friend,” Kate said. “I’ve got most of those same faults. I only wish I knew what people were thinking.”

  “People? Or one person in particular?”

  Kate smiled wearily.

  “When you first met Mo, was it an instant attraction? Or were you only thinking of boys back then? She said that you’ve known each other since college.”

  Kate thought back to that first day. “I knew I was attracted to her. I’d never met anyone like her. But the only thing I really remember was this tense feeling in my stomach like Mo was going
to be a huge problem for me.”

  “When’s her birthday?”

  “March 30th.”

  “Aries? Oh, no wonder! Yeah, you were screwed from the start. My ex was an Aries. They think they know everything, don’t they? The hard part is, most of the time they’re right. But they’re so much fun to be with—spontaneous, daring… And they make friends wherever they go. But an Aries and a Cancer? Those stars aren’t exactly aligned.”

  “How bad is it?”

  “As bad as an Aries and a Pisces. It’s another fire and water combination. Opposites attract, and good luck making it work in the long run. I know how appealing Aries can be. They’re the heroes we all wouldn’t mind being rescued by.”

  “That’s Mo.”

  “I may be the last one you should listen to on this, but with an Aries you need to be direct. They can’t guess what you’re thinking. And they want someone who is head over heels for them. They’re not going to wait around while you decide—even if they really want you. If they think that you don’t want them, they’re gone. For as brave as they seem, they’re insecure too.”

  Kate’s heart sunk. Maybe it was all bogus astrology, but it felt too close to the truth. “What if I’m too late?”

  Terri considered her with a look of sympathy. “You might be. And then you’re going to have to find a way to let her go.”

  Kate glanced at the door, wondering how long Mo would be gone. Maybe she wasn’t coming back. She wished she could overhear her conversation with Chantal and then felt guilty for that thought.

  “As soon as you leave to go find Mo, I’m going to ask that Canadian woman I was dancing with earlier for another round.”

  “You think I should go look for Mo?”

  “That’s what you’re thinking about, right?” Terri smiled. “You’re an open book.”

  “I don’t know what to say to her.”

  “Start with the truth,” Terri said. “Tell her how you feel.”

  “Ever consider being a therapist?”