All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  As she started out of the room, she stole one last glance at Mo. It was clear from her breathing that she wasn’t sleeping, and Kate debated asking her if she wanted to talk more. She could stay if that was what Mo needed, but what comfort could she give her when she wanted Chantal?

  A heaviness pressed down on her shoulders as she closed the door. She’d escaped the gloom all day, but she was fooling herself if she’d thought it was gone for good. Resisting a swell of self-pity, she took the fastest route to the beach, bypassing the pools and opting for the access path behind the bungalows. She jogged the length of the path and only slowed when she could see the water.

  With a deep breath, she let the salty air fill her chest, then slipped off her sandals and wiggled her toes in the sand. The turquoise water gently lapped the copper-colored shoreline and she took her time taking in the view. After she’d had her fill of the endless blue vista, she headed down the beach, passing dozens of lounge chairs and skirting around laughing kids and couples walking slowly, hand in hand. She picked out an empty hammock strung up between palm trees at the edge of the resort’s property and aimed for this. The spot looked more quiet than lonely and although there were a handful of other hammocks sprinkled around, she wanted the one furthest away.

  Once she’d settled in, she opened the book she’d brought. Her thoughts roamed between the pages and the water. It wasn’t until she realized that the lounge chairs around her were steadily filling with people coming to watch the sunset that she closed the book.

  “Hey.”

  Kate looked over her shoulder and noticed Mo leaning against one of the palm trees. She wondered how long Mo had been there and then if she’d been only watching the sunset or waiting to talk to her. The sad smile on Mo’s lips stopped her from a joke about her ninja skills. “Did you hear from Chantal?”

  “No…I didn’t really expect she’d respond. And with the time difference, she’s asleep by now.” Mo paused. “I passed Julia on my way down here. She said the kids are hungry. They’re all getting ready to go to dinner.”

  “I could eat,” Kate said, her stomach rumbling in response.

  Mo looked down the length of the beach, past where the rocks delineated the end of the resort property and the jungle encroached on the sand. “I think I’ll go for a walk. I’m not feeling very sociable.”

  “Want company?” Kate asked, hoping Mo meant that she wasn’t up for the big group as opposed to one-on-one time. She could understand wanting a break from the noise and banter of the busy restaurant and their crowded table.

  “I think I need to be alone. I’ve got a lot on my mind. Anyway, you should hang out with Terri.”

  “Do you still want to take that dance class tonight?”

  “Maybe…I could probably use the distraction.” Mo forced a smile. “I’ll text you later.”

  Kate watched her leave, wondering if Mo would change her mind and hating the bitter taste in her mouth at the thought that she was the distraction Mo was talking about. She knew that wasn’t what she had meant to suggest and yet her thoughts were clearly focused on Chantal.

  Mo continued down the beach, heading for the distant rocks. Kate wanted to follow her, but the fact that Mo didn’t want her company pushed away all the excuses her brain was making. The longer she stayed in the hammock watching Mo’s outline get smaller and smaller, the worse she felt. She eyed the model on the cover of her book. “Do you have to look so happy?” A plastic smile shone back at her.

  Everyone accepted the story that Mo wanted a sunset walk on the beach and was planning on eating alone later. It was so obviously not a Mo move that Kate was surprised Julia didn’t ask why she was covering for her. But the twins were being a challenge, clearly overtired and complaining about the food while begging for soda, and Reed seemed tense. Terri tried entertaining everyone with a story about a fishing misadventure. The tactic worked for a while, but as soon as the story was over the kids were fighting again.

  “Thanks for trying,” Reed said, a note of exhaustion in her voice.

  “I think we might have overdone it today.” Julia glanced at Reed. “Maybe a case of too much vacation?”

  “Snorkeling and then swimming in the pool for hours…” Reed nodded. “We all need an early bedtime. Myself included.”

  Carly and Bryn erupted with arguments of why they weren’t tired. Julia quieted them down with a reminder about plans to watch a movie before bed and Reed added that only would apply if they left without a fuss about dessert. As tiring as the kids were, Kate couldn’t help but notice how well Julia and Reed parented together. They backed each other up seamlessly and were still smiling at the end of their long day. When they all stood to leave, Reed reached for Julia’s hand and kissed it.

  After they’d gone, Terri settled back in her chair and said, “Those two have got something amazing—I’m almost jealous.”

  “Almost?”

  “I’ve realized that I’m not programmed for long-term relationships. After you fail twice, you start to think the system is clearly flawed.” She grinned. “Can’t be me.”

  “Definitely not.” Kate smiled back.

  “Don’t get me wrong, if it happened, I wouldn’t fight it. But I’m not convinced that marriage is a good idea. The hard part is kids.” She hesitated. “I always thought that I’d have a family by now.”

  “Long-term is part of the deal there.”

  “Right. But a few days with Reed’s kids and I’m exhausted.”

  “I totally agree. The twins do have their moments of being awesome, but all day every day?” Kate thought back to the boat ride that morning and then the joy on Carly and Bryn’s face as they spotted fish after fish. “I don’t think I’m ready.”

  “That’s what I keep saying. But I turn forty next year. Fate’s deciding this one for me.”

  “Women have kids at forty—and older. Or you could meet someone who already has kids like Julia did.”

  “True. And kids aren’t a deal breaker for me. In some ways, I worry that I’ll regret not having them down the road. But then I think I’d rather enjoy other people’s kids and skip bedtimes and temper tantrums.”

  “I think I want kids,” Kate said. “Someday.”

  That was something relatively new. Ethan hadn’t wanted kids, and she’d gotten used to the idea of a life without that hassle. After they’d broken up, she’d realized that she was free to think of having kids again. She knew now on some level she’d feel like she’d missed out if she was never a mom.

  Since Reed had come along and with her the twins, she’d watched Julia transform into a mom. It wasn’t easy and at times she thought that Julia might miss some things—like quiet evenings—but she’d never seemed happier.

  “In a perfect world, how many kids would you have?” Terri asked.

  “Two, I guess. I was an only kid, and I always wished I had a little brother or sister.”

  “I had one of each. As a kid, I would have told you that you weren’t missing out on much.” Terri smiled. “But I love my brother and sister now. And I can understand wishing for what you don’t have. My parents got divorced when I was five. Whenever I’d see a kid in the back seat of a car back then, I’d look to see if they had two parents. That’s what I wished for.”

  “My parents got divorced too, but then my mom remarried…It was for the best. My biological dad’s an asshole.” Kate felt a pinch of guilt at admitting that much aloud. She never talked about Philip. To anyone who asked, she’d always referred to Gary as her dad.

  “Sorry if I brought up a bad subject.”

  Kate felt a weight settle on her as she tried to smile. “It’s fine. We don’t really have a relationship at this point. To be honest, I don’t even know if he’s still alive. Gary—my stepdad—is enough of a father. Two is more than I need.” She wished that she could casually mention her biological father and feel nothing in response. Instead, years of therapy later, shame mixed with anger all over again.

  When the waiter
came by their table, she decided on another drink. Terri launched into a story about the first time she’d watched the twins for Reed, and Kate tried to focus on that. Fortunately, the diaper-changing incident that she described, with Terri having to call her own mom for help, was priceless.

  The kid conversation turned to work, and Kate realized that by all standards, Terri was a catch. Not only was she a successful doctor, she was confident, attractive, and she had a sense of humor. Kate pushed away the thought that there had to be a spark as well. She liked her, was comfortable with her, and maybe Terri was exactly what she needed. At least she could finally cross off her list having been with a woman—though of course that wasn’t enough reason to date her.

  When she’d been in Denver, she’d taken to frequenting online dating sites. Most of the time, she weeded out potential dates with one conversation, and she needed at least a half dozen reasons for why they were compatible before she’d agree to an in-person date. Not once had she felt the urge to go out with someone who was clearly only interested in a hookup, and although Terri didn’t seem like the type for that, she’d admitted she wasn’t looking for long-term. But maybe short-term was what Kate needed.

  She thought of Mo and glanced at her phone. Seeing the blank screen, Kate felt her spirits drop. But maybe not having Mo around was a good thing. “Any chance you’d want to take a dance class? There’s this salsa class I was thinking of trying.”

  “I love dancing. I’m not that great at it, but as long as you don’t mind a partner who sometimes misses the beat…”

  “I don’t mind at all.”

  When they left the restaurant, Kate expected Terri to reach for her hand but she didn’t. In some ways, she was glad. She knew she’d overanalyze how Terri’s hand felt in hers and only second-guess everything. They passed the quiet courtyard and then the tennis courts and the rec room with the empty Ping-Pong tables. One look and thoughts of the previous evening sprang up. When things were good between her and Mo, no one else could make her as happy. But no one else could make her feel as miserable either.

  The dance club was on the second floor above the exercise room. With the ocean breeze wafting in the open windows, the temperature was perfect. Kate took a moment to get her bearings in the darkened space. Club music was playing, but no one had started dancing yet. A handful of couples sat around the bar, and a few more stood at the edge of the dance floor looking expectantly nervous.

  Unable to stop herself, she scanned the space for Mo. But she knew that if Mo had decided to show up, she wouldn’t be lurking in any corner. If she was there, she’d be front and center.

  “Thanks for suggesting this,” Terri said. “It’s more fun going with someone than showing up to a dance class alone.”

  “Do you take classes often?”

  “Not enough to be any good. I’ve taken some two-step classes and a hip-hop course. No salsa classes, but for a while I dated a woman who loved to go out to salsa clubs… My favorite is Zumba.”

  “Zumba?”

  “Don’t knock it ’til you try it,” Terri returned. “What about you? Am I about to get shown up by a salsa master?”

  “Definitely not. I’ve taken a handful of salsa classes, but most of my dance experience is ballet.”

  “Ballet, huh?” Terri tilted her head like she was reassessing Kate. “That makes sense.”

  “How’s that?”

  “You carry yourself like a dancer. And you’ve got a gorgeous body.”

  Kate repressed the urge to argue that she didn’t. Instead, she said, “I haven’t danced since college.”

  “Well, something stuck. Do you miss it?”

  Before Kate could change the conversation, the music abruptly stopped and a young Latina woman addressed the room. Although she spoke mostly in Spanish, she used enough hand motions and interspersed English words to get everyone onto the dance floor. Kate glanced at the door again. After another scan of the bar and all the tables, it hit her: Mo wasn’t coming.

  When the instructor turned on the salsa music and looked around the room, her gaze settled on Kate. She motioned Kate forward and then positioned her hands and encouraged everyone to take a similar stance. Once she had everyone in position around the room, she quickly went through the basic steps. Then the instructor took Kate’s hand. “Now we dance.”

  After only a few turns around the room, Kate felt a buzz in her body that she hadn’t felt for years. It had been too long since she’d taken a dance class and longer still since she’d let herself truly relax while dancing. When the instructor let go of her, turning to address the other students and encouraging everyone to find a partner, Terri stepped up. Kate resisted scanning the room again for Mo.

  “You looked like a pro out there. I hope I don’t step on your toes.”

  Kate took Terri’s hand. “Don’t worry. I’m having too much fun to care.”

  Kate wasn’t used to leading, but Terri needed to follow. There were several missteps and laughing, but they managed to get into a rhythm before long. Exactly what she’d been expecting, she wasn’t sure, but she was surprised by how comfortable she felt dancing with Terri. There was nothing weird about holding her hand. Then again, everything about Terri was easy. Kate wondered again if it was wrong to not feel any excitement at her touch. But she was enjoying herself and Terri seemed to be as well. Maybe that was enough.

  When the instructor stopped the music to give more feedback, Terri let go of Kate’s hand. “It’s fun dancing with you—you’re really good.”

  “Thanks. You’re doing great too.”

  “I think I have to credit my Zumba teacher for the fact that I haven’t fallen on my face yet. But I am getting thirsty. Want something to drink?”

  Kate glanced at the bar. She hadn’t been thinking of Mo, but when she spotted her standing near one of the tables at the edge of the dance floor, a drink in her hand, all other thoughts slipped out of her mind. Mo’s gaze held hers.

  Terri repeated her question and Kate had to focus to answer. “Yeah, sure…whatever you’re having.”

  “Water?”

  “That’s perfect.”

  As soon as Terri headed to the bar, Mo approached. “You two looked good out there.”

  “You say that like it’s a problem.”

  “I’m trying not to be jealous.” Mo’s smile was tight-lipped. “Sorry. I shouldn’t say that.”

  Kate felt a rush of emotions. “It’s okay to admit it. You know I get jealous when someone gets to spend time with you and I don’t.”

  “This is probably something more,” Mo said, taking a sip of the beer she was holding. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you and Terri looked good out there.”

  “She was making me look good,” Terri said, suddenly standing next to Kate. “Water?”

  “Thanks.” Kate opened the bottle and took a sip. She briefly met Mo’s gaze, her cheeks hot with a blush. Mo had pushed her off balance. Probably something more… Did Mo have to throw that line out into the universe now?

  Kate knew she had to ignore the comment for the moment. She turned to Terri. “You up for more dancing?”

  “My legs are complaining about the fact that I went for a long run this afternoon. Why don’t you and Mo dance this next one?” Terri reached for Kate’s water bottle. The music had started again. “I’ll stake out a table for us.”

  Before Kate could argue with the plan, Terri had stepped away. Mo looked from her beer bottle to Terri and then finally to Kate. “You don’t have to dance with me.”

  “I want to dance with you,” Kate returned evenly. “I’ve been waiting to see these moves you say you’ve got.”

  “I think maybe I talked my moves up too much. You’re the dancer.”

  “Look what you got yourself into.” Kate grinned. “Who’s leading?”

  Mo cocked her head. “Are you really asking me that?”

  “Only because I wanted that response.”

  Mo laughed. She took one last sip of her bee
r and then set it on the nearest table. When she turned to hold out her hand, Kate’s breath caught.

  All their joking was over. Kate clasped Mo’s hand, her heart racing and her mind blank. Did she even remember how to dance? Mo’s fingers intertwined with hers and she led the way onto the dance floor. The room swirled and her knees felt weak.

  Breathe. You know how to dance.

  She looked up and Mo smiled. In college they’d danced at parties, but it always with a group of friends and never at any point had she held Mo’s hand or dared to dance close to her body. Everything about this was completely different.

  Mo reached for Kate’s other hand. “I hope I don’t screw this up.”

  Kate stopped herself from echoing the same words. Sounding more sure than she felt, she said, “You know I’ll tease you about it for the rest of your life if you do.”

  “Oh, trust me, I know.”

  The moment they started dancing, Kate relaxed. This one thing she could do. She stopped thinking, letting the music and Mo’s hands direct her. She didn’t try to concentrate on adding any special moves to impress Mo. All she wanted to do was follow her lead.

  Every time she stepped close to Mo, the scent of her teased her senses. A surge went through her when Mo brushed against her backside, and when she felt her breath against her neck, she nearly turned to kiss her. At one point Mo wrapped her arms around her and Kate couldn’t help but lean in. She loved the strength in Mo’s body and the way they fit together. She didn’t want the song to ever end.

  But it was only dancing, Kate reminded herself, and Mo was showing off her moves to prove a point. Still, the way she held her hand, sending her into a spin and then stepping back and waiting for her to close the distance back to her, left Kate breathless. Mo’s touch turned on every nerve in her body and she couldn’t do a damn thing to stop that.