All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “I’d bet on the spirit world. Should we head back soon and find everyone?”

  “Probably.” Kate closed the book but didn’t stand. “Do you think about your ancestors much?”

  “And how I’m standing on their shoulders? All the time.” Mo picked up a handful of sand and let it sift through her fingers. “Probably some of them would be disappointed.”

  “None of them should be. You’re amazing. Kind, brilliant, funny…”

  Mo picked up another handful of sand. “I don’t know if they’d see that.”

  “Everyone sees it, Mo.” Kate debated finishing her thought. Finally she said it: “Sometimes I wish I didn’t.”

  “How should I take that?” Mo studied her for a moment, waiting for her answer. When she didn’t say anything, Mo turned to look out at the water. “I talked to Chantal last night. She called after we’d talked.”

  “How is she?” Kate tried to keep her voice even. If Mo wanted to go back to Chantal she wasn’t certain she could stop her.

  “She wanted another chance. She doesn’t think either of us gave it a good try.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “That she was probably right.” Mo paused. “I told her I’d been in love with someone else for a long time and shouldn’t have dated a lot of the women I’d dated. And that I was sorry.”

  “How’d that go over?” Kate tried to slow the rush of emotions. In one breath, Mo had told her what she’d always hoped but someone else was hurt because of it.

  “Oh, you know, pretty well.” Mo’s tone was joking, but from the look in her eyes it was a cover. She clearly felt bad. “Chantal had a guilty conscience too. She slept with her boss that night we broke up. Apparently it was the first time…”

  “You called it.”

  “Sometimes you want to be wrong. I guess it didn’t go well since she texted me afterward. And I saw she changed her status online to single so she’s back to looking.” She sighed. “Why is love so complicated?”

  “You haven’t dated me yet. Just wait.”

  “That almost sounds like you’re thinking of going on a date with me.” Mo straightened up. “Are you?”

  “I don’t know. Now that Chantal is single… I do love the ballet. And getting dressed up. Is she on Instagram?”

  “Don’t you dare!” Mo playfully pushed her shoulder. “You wouldn’t, right?”

  The idea of dating any of Mo’s exes was ridiculous, but at least they were back to teasing each other. She couldn’t help smiling when Mo raised her eyebrows, and she laughed when Mo asked again, “You wouldn’t, right?”

  Holding up her hand, she said, “I do solemnly swear not to date any of my best friend’s exes. Unless…”

  Mo cocked her head. “What?”

  “You know I’d have a hard time saying no to good orchestra tickets.”

  “Is that all it takes?”

  “You’d be surprised.” Kate winked. “I guess we should go find the others.”

  Mo nodded, but she didn’t get up. After a long minute of staring at the water, she looked back at Kate and said, “Hey, I got a question for you.”

  Butterflies suddenly filled Kate’s stomach.

  “What are you doing tonight? I don’t have orchestra tickets, but I’d really like to take you out to dinner. There’s this place that has salsa dancing…”

  Kate drew a heart on the sand and put MC in the center of it. How long had she been waiting for Mo Calloway to ask her out? “Salsa dancing doesn’t sound bad.”

  “Or we could do something else.” Mo ran through a list of other options that she’d thought of, including dinner on the beach.

  Kate interrupted with, “Is dinner in bed an option? Or we could skip dinner altogether.”

  “Wait, is that yes to a date?”

  “Yes.”

  Mo’s smile stretched across her face. She got up off the sand and then held out her hand. “Dinner first. This time I want to do everything right. You know, until one of us screws up.”

  Kate let Mo help her up, but once she was standing, she didn’t let go of her hand. “Don’t screw this up. You’ve already got my heart in your hands.”

  Mo looked down at their entwined fingers and then at Kate. “I could say the same to you.”

  Mo gave her hand a squeeze and the rush that went through her felt entirely too good. To stop herself from saying something she’d regret later, because it was way too soon to be thinking of forever, she looked up at the cloudless sky. But she couldn’t help thinking of forever. The endless blue seemed to dare her to say the words. She looked back at Mo, her heart thumping hard.

  “You scared?” Mo asked.

  “No.”

  “Oh, okay, good. Um, me neither.”

  Kate loved Mo’s sheepish smile. She wanted to smile back without any worries about what came next, but one last doubt nagged at her. “I should tell you something, though.”

  “Uh-oh.”

  “You know how I have all these issues…” Kate paused and Mo’s expression looked truly worried. She pressed on. “Well, some of that applies to sex. It’s not that I’m not into it or anything—I love it actually. But I like to be in charge.”

  “Are you secretly a dominatrix?”

  Kate laughed. “How’d you guess?” She winked and Mo’s smile flashed. “Just kidding. You didn’t get that lucky.”

  “You’re wrong. I got real lucky.”

  But Kate knew she was the lucky one. For the first time, she was going into a relationship holding nothing back. She’d put all of her crappy cards on the table and Mo had picked each one up.

  She stood on her tiptoes and met Mo’s lips. The sound of the crashing waves overshadowed the bits of conversation from the others on the beach and the feeling of Mo leaning into the kiss made the moment perfect. God, don’t let me screw this up.

  When they broke off the kiss, Kate reached down to gather her bag and the book she’d brought. She wondered when she should tell Julia. She couldn’t wait long. As they started up the steep, uneven stairs, Kate wondered what a date with Mo would be like. In some ways, she’d already been on hundreds of dates with her. But everything was going to be different now.

  Near the top, Kate lost her footing on a rickety board and reached for the railing. Mo’s hand caught her first. When Kate clasped her hand, Mo held fast. Her grip didn’t loosen when they spotted the others. Now this is real, Kate thought, seeing Julia’s eyes zoom right to their locked hands and realizing that no part of her wanted Mo to let go.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Julia, Reed, and the kids had made plans to spend the afternoon at the beach, and Terri announced that she’d be sleeping in one of the hammocks until dinnertime, but Mo hadn’t mentioned any agenda.

  Kate loved how close Mo stood when they were waiting for the ferry and she loved how she settled in comfortably in the seat next to her on the ride back to the island. Although they hadn’t discussed it, she was certain Mo was planning on spending the afternoon with her, and she loved how easy it all felt. In some ways, it wasn’t that different than how they used to get on. Kate realized it probably wouldn’t feel different until they were alone together again. All bets were off then.

  As soon as they entered the lobby, Luis, the concierge waved to Kate. He held up a key, smiling as he did, and Kate instantly knew a room had become available. She looked over at Mo, wondering what she should do. Mo had scarcely ended things with Chantal, and after everything Kate had told her yesterday she had to have her doubts about taking things too fast.

  But Kate knew that with the way her heart raced every time Mo clasped her hand, her need for Mo wouldn’t be contained for long. She was certain she couldn’t share the same bed with her and keep her hands, or her lips, to herself.

  She approached Luis, smiling as he relayed the news that the oceanfront suite was now available. Mo hadn’t gone on with the others, and she waited now in one of the chairs facing the fountain as Kate signed the paperwork for t
he new room.

  “I’m sorry again that I wasn’t able to accommodate you earlier this week. I hope it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience to share with your friend.”

  “Everything worked out,” Kate assured him. “But I’m looking forward to an ocean view.”

  “You won’t be disappointed,” Luis promised. “This one is my favorite.”

  Once Luis had finished, Kate went over to where Mo was sitting. She held up the room keys. “We got upgraded.”

  “We? You sure you want me there?” Mo stood up. “I’m totally fine in the other bungalow. For real.”

  Kate heard the doubt in Mo’s voice. What she wanted more than anything was to wrap her arms around Mo with no clothes between them, but she wondered what Mo would think if she told her that outright. Maybe it was too soon. “I get it if you want your own space.”

  “I don’t want my own space.”

  Kate could see the indecision still on Mo’s face. “But?”

  “I don’t want to rush this.”

  “Sixteen years doesn’t feel like we’re rushing,” Kate said.

  “What if you change your mind?”

  “It took me sixteen years to make up my mind. Can you imagine how long it takes me to change it? You know how stubborn I am.”

  Mo’s face cracked with a grin, and Kate knew she’d said the right thing. They could wait, but there was no chance that her feelings were going to change.

  “But if we are talking about you…” Kate’s voice trailed. “I know you just broke up with Chantal. If you want to wait, tell me. But if you’re worried about me, don’t be. I may suck at relationships but—”

  “But you don’t suck at sex?” Mo’s grin widened. “So I’ve heard. Although sometimes sucking isn’t a horrible thing.”

  Kate felt her cheeks flush. She lowered her voice and said, “All I was trying to say earlier is that I don’t have issues with sex as long as I’m, well, you know…”

  “In a leather outfit with a whip? By the way, I love it when you whisper.” Before Kate could stammer a rebuttal, Mo snagged the room keys from her hand. “I also love getting a room upgrade.”

  Kate followed Mo out of the lobby. Every step felt charged. When Mo stopped to let an elderly Mexican couple cross in front of them, Kate felt a rush of nerves. Mo was coming to her bungalow for one reason—and Kate had been the one to push for it. What if she wasn’t ready after all? As much as she wanted it, there was a good chance her anxiety would get in the way.

  Mo bumped against her hip. “Sorry.” She didn’t hide her smile.

  “You’re not sorry,” Kate said. She bumped her hip against Mo. “Neither am I.”

  “By the way, I liked kissing you on the beach today. How’d you feel about all the people staring at us?”

  “I didn’t notice,” Kate admitted. “But I don’t blame them for staring. You’re hot.”

  “Actually I think it was you they were looking at. You’re the one who’s hot.”

  “Do you know how much I want you to kiss me right now?” Kate kept her voice low despite the fact that she doubted the elderly couple would care.

  As soon as the pair had crossed to the other path, Mo turned around. She was inches away from Kate’s lips, and the nearness of her body took all the air from the space. “I have some idea.” She turned and started walking again.

  “Dammit,” Kate said once she’d got her breath back. “That was low.”

  “Was it?” Mo looked over her shoulder and winked. “I think I get to pay you back some for all the times you’ve asked me to give you a back massage over the years.”

  “I gave you plenty of back massages in return.”

  “Yeah. And trust me—that was just as hard.”

  “What was hard?”

  “My nipples,” Mo returned.

  Kate laughed. “Good to know.” She thought of all the so-called innocent massages they’d shared over the years. Was any of it innocent?

  “Are we almost there?”

  “Getting antsy?”

  Mo chuckled. “I like foreplay as much as the next person.”

  “Oh, is that what this is?”

  Mo stopped walking and turned to Kate. Before she realized what was happening, Mo’s lips pressed against hers. The kiss took her breath away. Teasing was over. She didn’t want Mo to pull away, and she didn’t care who saw them in the middle of the path. Her body was begging Mo not to let up. When Mo did break off the kiss, her lips felt as if they were missing something.

  “I really like kissing you,” Mo said.

  Thank God. Hopefully sex would go as well. She worried she’d talked it up too much. Aside from the fact that she’d never been with a woman before, there was the problem of her body arbitrarily deciding to freeze up during sex. More than once she’d had to stop and apologize. As long as she was calling the shots, she could usually get through it and she hoped Mo would understand.

  As they neared the beach, Kate pointed to three bungalows off by themselves between a clump of trees. “I think that one closest to the water is ours.”

  “That’ll do,” Mo said, heading down the narrow path.

  A flight of stairs led up to the elevated front porch. Mo paused on the first step. “You sure you’re ready for company?”

  “I’m positive.”

  As Mo went to unlock the door, Kate slipped her hands around Mo’s waist. Mo had the key card against the scanner, but her other hand stalled as soon as Kate touched her hips. Kate shifted, closing the space between their bodies. The key card slipped out of Mo’s grasp.

  Kate leaned down to pick up the key before Mo could. As she stood up, she let her hand brush along the inside of Mo’s leg until she reached her knees. She handed off the key and then encircled Mo’s waist again. “Do-over?”

  “I think I’d have less trouble if my vision wasn’t blurred,” Mo said, holding the key up to the scanner once more. She waited for the green light to flash.

  As soon as the light flashed, Kate slid her hand under Mo’s shirt to touch her midsection. Mo missed turning the handle with the light and the keycard slipped out of her hand. She banged her head against the door and laughed.

  “Let me know if you need help.”

  “I think your help might be part of the problem.” Mo leaned down to pick up the card and then turned around to hold it out to Kate. “Your turn.”

  Kate stepped forward, held the key up, and before Mo had a chance to slip her hands around her, opened the door. She grinned back at Mo. “Gotta be quick.”

  Mo clicked her tongue. “Some things are different with women. It’s not about being fast.”

  “Oh, really? I may need a lesson,” Kate returned playfully. She knew Mo was teasing, and she told herself she could handle it. “First time, you know…”

  “Something tells me that this isn’t going to feel like a first time. When I kiss you, it feels like I’ve been kissing you my whole life.”

  Kate squinted at Mo. “Okay, that’s either weird or mushy. I don’t think I’m ready for you to be mushy.”

  Mo grinned. “Check out that view.” She pointed to the sliding glass doors on the far side of the room.

  Flowers were set in a vase on the table by the door and wine was cooling in ice on one of the nightstands. The bed was similar to the one in Mo’s bungalow, but instead of facing a small window with a view of trees, this bed faced sliding glass doors that opened to a separate balcony. Beyond the balcony was the ocean with only a handful of trees and the beach between.

  Mo stepped past the entryway and walked around the room. “I could get used to this place.” She opened the sliding glass doors and stepped outside. The scent of the ocean came in with the breeze.

  Kate put down the bag she’d brought to Tulum, wondering if they should have stopped at Mo’s bungalow first to pick up a change of clothes. She’d been too distracted earlier to think of anything but how much she wanted to get to their room. “I’m going to pee.”

  The bathroom
was nearly as big as the bedroom with a Jacuzzi tub as well as a walk-in shower for two that had a bench and dual heads. She sat down on the toilet and wondered if Mo would want a shower first. First. Before what came next. Her chest tightened. What would happen if things didn’t go well?

  She flushed the toilet and rinsed off her hands, her gaze still on the shower. It wasn’t as if she’d never showered with someone before. And yet she knew this time would be different. It wasn’t only because Mo was a woman. In some ways, that was the least of the differences. This time she’d be with someone who she’d been in love with for years.

  “Everything okay?”

  “You should come check out this bathroom,” Kate said, wiping off her hands on one of the plush towels. Even the towels were a decided upgrade from the last place.

  Mo stepped into the bathroom and looked around. “Damn. I’m ready to move in. How much do you think the monthly rent is on a place like this?”

  “I bet we could afford it.”

  Mo cocked her head, studying Kate. “What are you thinking?”

  “Why do you ask?” At that precise moment, she’d been contemplating Mo’s body, but she wasn’t going to admit that. The idea of being naked with Mo was both intensely appealing and slightly terrifying. Maybe a shower would be the best way to get the awkward part over with.

  “Because you have this look on your face…” Mo chuckled. “But I have a feeling you aren’t going to tell me, are you?”

  “I’m debating.”

  “Hmm. Don’t debate too long.” Mo stepped past Kate and headed back to the bedroom. “You should come check out the view from the balcony.”

  Kate followed her as far as the bed. She watched Mo step out onto the balcony and then turn around.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  Kate nodded. “I was thinking about asking you to shower with me.”