All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  Picking out clothes for Mo was more fun than she’d expected. Mo was clearly happy to let someone else shop for her and along with a pair of jeans and new slacks, Kate chose a few new shirts for her and a coat that would work for winters in San Francisco as well as during this trip. She sent Mo to the changing room with everything, and when Mo stepped out, the casual resort wear replaced with dashing European fashions, Kate’s breath caught.

  “Damn. You are so hot.”

  Mo looked down at her outfit. “Guess this will do?”

  “It’ll do.” Kate went over and straightened Mo’s collar. Aside from the store clerk, they had the place to themselves and when he wasn’t looking, Kate brushed her lips against Mo’s cheek. The look Mo gave her in return was worth it. She took a step back when the impulse to kiss her lips flared. “Too bad I don’t have any excuse to buy you a new suit. I love seeing you all dressed up.”

  “I’ll get dressed up for you anytime. As long as I don’t have to wear a tie.”

  “I know how you feel about ties.” The only conversation they’d had about ties had made her uncomfortable at the time. She’d asked why Mo didn’t wear ties when she wore a suit. Mo had answered that ties were only good in the bedroom. Kate had stopped short at that and never brought it up again despite how many times her mind came back to it. One day maybe she’d feel brave enough to convince Mo to show her what she meant. “Now we need to get you some shoes.”

  “What about you? What are you going to wear?”

  “I packed half my closet. The only thing I need to find is a jacket.”

  “You sure?”

  Kate nodded. “Clothes aren’t what I’m worried about.”

  Mo lightly kissed Kate’s forehead. “Thank you, again, for letting me come with you.”

  “You bought the tickets,” Kate reminded her. “What was I supposed to do? Tie you to the bed?”

  Mo’s eyes widened. “Please tell me that would be an option someday.”

  Kate laughed, feeling emboldened by the look of desire in Mo’s eyes. “Go try on the rest. And I’m paying for all of this. Don’t argue.”

  For as many times as she’d been to Amsterdam, Kate knew that she ought to have a feel for the layout of the city, but even the few landmarks she recognized seemed to be in the wrong place or somehow altered. Rationalizing that she’d rarely spent more than a few nights at Philip’s apartment before they’d drive to the lake house each visit seemed a plausible explanation, and yet she knew it was more than that. She’d blocked the city from memory, willing it away as best as her thirteen-year-old self could manage. But no matter how she tried to forget it, she could recall every nook and cranny of the lake house.

  The taxi dropped them off at the hotel, and when Mo asked if she wanted to lay down for a bit, Kate shook her head. Despite the lack of sleep, she wasn’t tired. She was wound up too tight. Mo suggested they get some food, and Kate agreed but when they sat down at a restaurant near the hotel, she had no appetite. She’d settled on a salad and soup, mostly to keep Mo from worrying.

  “So should we talk about the plan?” Mo asked, picking up a bread roll. The tone of her voice made it clear she didn’t want to push. “Are you thinking of going to see him tonight?”

  “Tomorrow. I sent a message to his staff.”

  “His staff?” Mo buttered one side of her roll. She’d ordered the soup and salad as well, which Kate only realized now she hadn’t eaten much of either.

  “I’m guessing that the only people who are with him now are the ones he pays.” Kate paused. “Maybe I shouldn’t give him such a hard time. I hardly know the guy. Probably he’s changed a lot.”

  “People don’t change that much,” Mo said.

  “Do you not like your soup? You can order something else.”

  “Actually it’s good.” Mo set down the roll without taking a bite. “I’m nervous.”

  “You’re nervous? The same person who does a robot dance in front of total strangers just to make people smile?” Kate thought of Mo dancing in the ocean with the twins. That moment seemed a lifetime ago.

  “I’m nervous for you.”

  “I’ll be fine.” Kate picked up her fork and stabbed a leaf of lettuce. “All I have to do is listen to him.”

  “You’re not going to say anything about what happened then?”

  Kate stared at the lettuce leaf. If possible, the salad was even less appetizing now. She set down her fork. “I’m only here because I don’t want him to die and then feel like I owed him this one last thing. I don’t want to owe him anything.”

  “Well, jeez, we could leave now. You’ll never owe him anything.”

  “I can hear him out,” Kate said, fortifying her resolve. “And I figure I might as well have something new to tell my therapist.”

  “What about me?” A hint of a smile tugged at Mo’s lips.

  “Oh, she’s already heard an earful about you,” Kate admitted. “I can’t wait to see her face when I tell her that I finally kissed you.”

  “How much have you told her about me?”

  “Let’s put it this way: If you meet her on the street, you should probably worry.”

  Mo laughed, and Kate felt the first bit of lightness buoy her spirits. Since the taxi had dropped them off, the whole of Amsterdam had seemed to press down on her. She’d felt as defenseless as she had the last time she’d been in the city. A taxi had brought her from the lake house to the city, and she’d spent one night alone in a hotel room her father had paid for. She’d hardly slept that night, anxiously waiting for a plane to take her away from the nightmare. As she matched Mo’s smile, she reminded herself that this time she wasn’t alone.

  By the time they got back to the hotel, Kate was relaxed enough to lay down. Mo offered a massage and although she had reservations about how well that would help her unwind, after five minutes she was taking off her blouse. When Mo started to rub the hotel lotion onto her back, Kate took off her bra as well. She wasn’t ready for Mo to give her a front massage, but her hands were making Kate wonder what she was missing by only letting her touch her back.

  At some point during the massage, she fell asleep. She woke up with Mo softly snoring next to her. The clock on the nightstand read a quarter after four, and it took a minute for her to realize that she’d slept for over twelve hours straight. Mo was fully dressed, but she’d kicked off her shoes and pulled the blankets up to cover them both and the room was pitch dark aside from the clock.

  The urge to pee got her out of bed, but she slipped out of the extra soft bed as quietly as she could, hoping Mo would stay asleep. Bumping her way to the bathroom, she closed the door and flicked on the light. Compared to the bathroom in Cozumel, this place was tiny and everything about it reminded her she was in the Netherlands again. She went to the toilet and peed, staring down her reflection in the mirror above the sink.

  At one point, she’d considered coming back to confront her father. An astute therapist that she’d had only for a brief time in high school had talked her out of that plan. It would have been a disaster then, but would today be any better?

  A soft knock pulled her from her thoughts, and she quickly stood and flushed. “Just a minute.”

  Mo looked half asleep. She rubbed her face with the back of her hand and squinted at Kate. “Are we going for a run?”

  “You want to go on a run this early?”

  “Well, I was thinking you might want to…” Mo cleared her throat. “So is that a no? ’Cause I’d really like to pee and go back to cuddling.”

  “See you in bed.” Kate placed a light kiss on Mo’s cheek and then moved out of her way. Before she lay back down, she stripped off her pants and snuggled into the warm space Mo had left. She watched the strip of light below the narrow bathroom door, waiting on Mo.

  The light switched off as Mo opened the door. She tiptoed back to bed, chuckling when she realized Kate had taken her place. “You’re one of those people who is always cold in bed, aren’t you?”

>   Kate smiled, knowing Mo couldn’t see her face in the dark. “Lucky me, you sleep warm. I’m hoping you also spoon.”

  Mo went around to the other side of the bed and settled in behind Kate. When she realized Kate was naked, she moaned softly.

  “Take off your clothes,” Kate said. “I want to feel you against me.”

  Mo pulled away for a minute and the bed bounced as she tugged off her pants and slipped out of her shirt. When she pressed against Kate’s backside again, the warmth of her body and the feel of her breasts brushing Kate’s shoulder blades was almost too much. Kate had to stop herself from turning around to face her, thinking of tracing the lines of her smooth skin and finding the secret places that made Mo shudder.

  “Better?” Mo asked.

  Kate reached behind her and found Mo’s arm. She placed Mo’s hand on her hip, knowing that Mo would only have to move a few inches to find the spot that was quivering with need. She wanted to be ready to let Mo make love to her. But would she ever be ready? She shifted her butt back until she felt the short hairs at Mo’s center. Mo’s sharp inhale was the response she’d hoped for.

  “This is almost perfect,” Kate said.

  “What would make it perfect?”

  “If I could let you do all the things I want you to do to me.”

  Mo’s grip tightened on her, but she didn’t say anything in response. Kate closed her eyes. “I might have a total breakdown today. I really don’t want you to see me that way.”

  “Are you worried that I can’t handle it?” When Kate didn’t answer, Mo continued. “I can. After today is behind us, I’m still going to like you as much as I do right now. I especially like your butt and I guarantee that won’t change.” Mo kissed the back of Kate’s head when she laughed. “This is torture. You know that, right?”

  “I know you can handle it.” Kate shifted so Mo’s hair brushed against her skin again. “I got you something when we were in Cozumel. It’s something little… I’ve been too embarrassed to give it to you.”

  “Why?”

  Kate hesitated. “I thought maybe you’d think it was cheesy.”

  “Go get it. I want it.” Mo released her hold on Kate. “You know how much I love cheesy. Are we talking telenovela cheesy? Or is this more the level of Hallmark Christmas movies?”

  “More like after-school-special cheesiness.” Kate climbed out of bed. She didn’t need the light to find her purse and she remembered exactly where she’d put it. Since she’d hidden it in the inside pocket along with her mother’s bracelet, she hadn’t taken it out. Her fingers found it and she felt a new wave of doubt. But she padded back to the bed and slipped in under the covers with the necklace in her hand.

  “Give me your hand.”

  Kate spread Mo’s fingers before letting the chain slip out of her hand onto Mo’s palm.

  “I can’t see it. Is it a necklace?” Mo guessed. “And this part…it’s a key, isn’t it?”

  “Do you remember the time we went to see the stars come out over the Golden Gate? I really wanted you to kiss me that night.”

  “I want a do-over,” Mo said.

  Kate shifted closer and found Mo’s lips. When she pulled back, she said, “Let me get through today. Then we can talk about time travel.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Whether or not Mo liked the necklace, the fact that she was wearing it gave Kate more courage than Mo probably knew. After an early call to her father’s secretary that wasn’t answered, Mo convinced Kate to go for a run in the hotel’s small gym, which consisted of a treadmill and an exercise bike along with a small rack of weights. The run helped let off some steam, but by the time they got back to the room, there was still no message from the secretary. They showered separately in the tiny bathroom and shared a plate of deli meats and cheeses that Mo had ordered from the hotel’s cafe.

  When her cell phone finally rang, it was close to eleven. Kate picked up the call before the first ring had ended. “Hello?”

  “Kate Owens, please.”

  The woman had a brusque accent, and Kate didn’t recognize it as belonging to her father’s secretary. “This is she. Who is this?”

  “I’m Philip’s nurse, Bernadette. He’s asked me to ring you.”

  Maybe her father was too weak to call himself, but Kate couldn’t help thinking that he simply didn’t want to be bothered picking up the phone. “Is he up for a visit?”

  “A short visit, yes. It’s kind of you to come all this way, but he needs his rest.” Bernadette paused. “He’s been moved out of the nursing home… He wants to be at home for what time he has left.”

  Kate had hoped for the impersonal environment of the nursing home. She braced herself now for being in Philip’s space. “Does he have the same apartment?” She struggled to remember the street name.

  Bernadette rattled off the address that was familiar as soon as Kate heard it and suggested that she come in an hour when he’d have awoken from his nap. It wasn’t until Kate hung up the phone that she realized she hadn’t mentioned that she’d be bringing someone.

  She looked over at Mo. “I think he’s getting worse. He got himself moved out of the nursing home.”

  “Is that a good idea?”

  “I’m guessing they don’t let you drink at a nursing home.” She remembered her father saying that he couldn’t sleep without having a drink first. He’d need that crutch to face death as well.

  Mo scratched her head. “So he’s going to be drunk? I don’t know about this… You know you shouldn’t be feeling any guilt about seeing him at all.”

  “I know.” Kate stood up. “Part of this is for me. Let’s go. I want to get today over with.”

  As soon as the taxi pulled onto her father’s street, Kate realized her hands were shaking. Everything was too familiar. How was it possible that she was back? At least they were in the city instead of the lake house. She never wanted to see the lake again. Mo reached over and took her hand.

  “You okay?”

  “Haven’t vomited yet.”

  Mo squeezed her hand. She’d been distracted looking at the sights they passed and seemed surprised when the car stopped. “Is this it?” She looked up at the house they’d parked in front of. “It’s huge.”

  “He owns the whole place, but the house is split up into apartments. His flat’s on the third floor.” Kate paid the driver and got out, her legs suddenly shaky. She waited for Mo before starting up the steps. Once they reached the front door, Mo turned around. The house overlooked one of the canals and had a good view of the city.

  “It’s pretty here.”

  “At one time I would have agreed with you.” Kate eyed the red call button. She didn’t want to press it, but she couldn’t turn back now.

  “We could call him instead.”

  Kate shook her head. “I need to do this in person.”

  “Want me to press the button then?”

  “Yes, please.” Her stomach was doing somersaults. She wondered if it was too late to take Mo’s advice and skip this visit altogether.

  Mo pressed the button and then wrapped an arm around Kate’s shoulders. “We got this.”

  Bernadette’s voice answered.

  When the lock clicked, Mo held open the door. “You look a little pale.”

  “Just catch me if I faint,” Kate said, hoping her joking tone played off how terrible she felt. She stepped past Mo and then clenched her jaw as the scent of the building hit her nose. It wasn’t an awful smell. It reminded her of an old library. But the familiarity of it made her legs unsteady.

  “Remember you don’t owe him anything,” Mo was saying. “You don’t have to be nice.”

  Kate didn’t answer. She made her way through the entryway, trying not to look at her surroundings as she angled for the stairway.

  Mo stopped on the second landing to catch her breath. “It must have been hell getting a sick guy up all these stairs.”

  “I’m sure someone carried him.”

  “Do
es he have servants and stuff?”

  “I know he has a secretary and a nurse. And a bunch of lawyers…He used to have a cook and a maid. Maybe he still does…”

  “Maybe you should just tell him that I’m your friend.”

  Kate started up the third flight of stairs. “You don’t want me to introduce you as my girlfriend?” The fact was, she’d been debating this very thing off and on all morning. But not because of how her father would react. She wasn’t sure how Mo would react. Were they even girlfriends by Mo’s standards?

  “You should say whatever you want to say but…maybe it would make it less complicated.”

  Kate stopped on the third landing. She turned to face Mo on the stair below her. “Nothing about what happens next is going to be uncomplicated. But you don’t have to come inside. You can wait here if you want.”

  “It’s not that. Does he know you like women?”

  “He doesn’t know anything about me.”

  Mo stepped up to the landing. “So if you introduce me as your girlfriend, you’re also coming out. And I’m black. If he’s anything like your mom…”

  “I’m introducing you as my girlfriend unless you don’t want me to. I hardly know my father. I hope he’s not a racist homophobic asshole like my mom because I don’t want to put you through that, but at this point I don’t care what he thinks about me. You’re the person I love.” Kate tensed, realizing the word that had slipped out. “It means a lot to me that you were willing to come here. He can go to hell if he doesn’t like you.”

  Mo held out her hand and Kate clasped it. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Had she said too much? Before Kate had time to obsess over whether she should have avoided the L word, the door to Philip’s apartment opened.

  Bernadette was almost as tall as Mo. She had long silver hair pulled back in a braid that accentuated her thin frame and gave her a look of a crane about to take flight. While she wondered at how that image had popped in her head, Kate shook hands and quickly introduced Mo.