All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “He’s not as handsome as you…but I want as close to you as I can get.”

  Mo smiled again. “Can we say we’ve seen enough of this island now?”

  “You want to head back for that massage?” Kate guessed.

  “That too. But mostly I was thinking of everything we did last night and how I’d really like a repeat.” Mo stepped close and the kiss she paid in return left Kate weak-kneed. She pulled away, glancing behind them at the store window.

  The store owner had likely gotten more of a show than either Kate or Mo wanted, but it took all of Kate’s resolve not to beg for another kiss. She exhaled and pulled her phone out of her purse, already planning what she wanted to do with Mo when they got back. After their massage, she didn’t plan on leaving the bungalow. “Let me figure out the fastest way home.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Your mother called again,” Luis said. “She said it was urgent.”

  Kate handed the key for the scooter to Luis, forcing a smile. The last thing she wanted to do at the moment was talk to Eileen. Mo was waiting for her by the fountain, thinking that this stop at the lobby was only to return the scooter keys. Her back was to Kate as she watched the birds flitting between the trees and the water. Kate looked from Mo to Luis and then pulled out her phone. “Would you mind if I have her call back now?”

  “No problem.” Luis waited as Kate typed the text. “Did you enjoy the scooter?”

  Kate hit the send button. “I loved it. Cozumel is a beautiful island.”

  Just then, the phone on Luis’s desk rang. He picked it up and then looked over at Kate as he spoke into the receiver: “Yes, of course. One moment please, señora.”

  “Let me guess. My mom?”

  Luis held his hand over the phone and said, “I think our moms should call each other. Then we could relax.”

  “I’ll suggest it.” Kate took the phone from Luis, hoping whatever urgent thing Eileen had to say wouldn’t take long. More than ever, she was looking forward to that couples massage.

  “Hey, Mom. How are you?”

  “Oh, I’m fine.” She let out an exaggerated sigh. “It’s your father.”

  “What’s wrong with Gary?”

  “Philip. I debated calling you, but I knew telling you was the right thing.”

  Kate listened as her mom relayed the news. Breathe, Kate thought. She took a deep breath like her first therapist had taught her and slowly exhaled. Her hand was shaking the phone against her ear so she switched hands and turned away from Luis’s questioning gaze. “Wait, his liver’s failing?”

  “That’s what his secretary said. I’m not surprised with the way he always drank. They’ve moved him to some kind of hospice facility, but he wants to die at home…” Eileen’s voice trailed. “I know how you feel about him, but he’s asking to see you.”

  “I haven’t seen him since I was thirteen. He hasn’t called once.” Kate squeezed her hand on the receiver, trying to stop the shaking. “Mom, he did nothing to stop that bastard. The guy was his friend. They’re probably still friends.”

  “Don’t shoot the messenger.” Eileen huffed. “I only told his secretary that I would let you know. For heaven’s sake, don’t you think I’d rather not tell you?”

  “Well, I wish you hadn’t. What does he expect? Me to jump on a plane and go see him in Amsterdam?”

  “It’s your decision, Katelyn.” Eileen paused. It was clear from her tone that she hadn’t expected Kate to agree. This was all a formality. “You always do whatever you want no matter what anyone else tells you anyway. I don’t expect you to start listening to me now.”

  Kate ignored the jab. Eileen viewed independence as a flaw and couldn’t see how she had encouraged it. “Is that all you needed to tell me, Mom?”

  “Well, I didn’t think you’d want to hear about the new lawyer Gary hired. He’s very handsome, Kate. And single. Of course you’d have to come back to Sand Bluff to meet him and I know how you feel about that.”

  “You’re right. I don’t want to hear about the lawyer.” Kate rubbed her forehead. A headache was coming on. “I have to think. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”

  As Eileen ran through a list of reasons why not to go to Amsterdam, none of which included her father’s asshole friend, Kate pictured Philip in his house by the lake on that last morning. They hadn’t hugged. She’d shuddered when he stepped close so he didn’t try. He’d walked her down to a waiting taxi and then said something about how she should send him a note so he knew what to buy her for Christmas. That was all she remembered. She never sent any note.

  Now she wondered if Philip deserved all the anger she’d directed at him. He wasn’t the one who had touched her and part of her felt some pity for him now, dying alone with only the people he paid to be at his side. But he’d done nothing to stop his friend from coming back. Those last few weeks at the lake had been a sort of hell. Could she go back and face it all again?

  “Mom, I need to get off the phone. I’ll text you when I decide what I’m going to do.” Without waiting for the perfunctory “I love yous,” Kate handed the phone back to Luis.

  “Is everything okay?” Luis looked clearly concerned.

  “Not really. Thanks for letting me use the phone.” Kate reached for her purse, but then Mo stepped forward and handed Luis a tip. Kate wondered when she’d walked over and how much she’d heard.

  “That was Eileen?”

  Kate nodded. “I can’t talk about it.” She felt the tears pushing at her eyes.

  “Okay… Let’s go back to our room.”

  Kate hardly saw the path. She followed Mo, grateful that she hadn’t tried to hold hands or make any contact and then feeling guilty that she was so ready to reject contact if it was offered. She wanted to be alone to process everything that Eileen had said. It wasn’t that she couldn’t tell Mo, but a weight had suddenly dropped on her and she knew the brief bit of happiness that had been the past twenty-four hours was over. This mess certainly wouldn’t help their new relationship—if she dared to even call it that.

  Each time she considered the question of going to Amsterdam, her answer was that she owed Philip nothing. She could call him on the phone when she got home to hear whatever it was he needed to say. A dying man deserved to be heard out, but she didn’t need to offer more. He probably had no clue how he’d damaged her and yet…that didn’t change the fact that he’d stood by and said nothing. The person who was supposed to protect her hadn’t cared. And then he’d forgotten about her.

  Kate realized where they were only when Mo had stopped to unlock the door of their bungalow. Mo held open the door, eyeing her with obvious concern, but Kate only murmured that she wanted a shower. She stripped in the bathroom and then numbly stepped into the water.

  “Whatever it is,” Mo said, leaning against the bathroom door, “I’m here for you. I won’t make you tell me, but it’s possible you’ll feel better if you say what’s going on. I can tell that Eileen said something that just pulled the rug out from under you.”

  Kate didn’t look back at Mo. “I have to go to Amsterdam.”

  “When?”

  “Right away.” Now that the decision was made, she knew she needed to get it over with as soon as possible. “Tomorrow or the day after. As soon as I can get a flight.”

  “I’ll get online and find us tickets.”

  Us? Mo was volunteering to go with her? Eileen hadn’t even made that offer. But Eileen was clueless. Kate shook her head. She wasn’t going to subject Mo to whatever breakdown she had in Amsterdam. This was something she needed to do alone.

  “Why are you shaking your head? I’m not letting you go back to Amsterdam alone.”

  “Philip’s dying. He’s asked to see me. All I’m going to do is hear him out and come home.” Kate was formulating her plan as she spoke. “I only need to go for a few days.” A long weekend, nothing more.

  “And I’m coming with you.”

  The sureness in Mo’s voice made Kate
question for a moment if she was right in wanting to leave her out of this. But then she thought of all those days after she’d come home from Amsterdam. How she’d fallen asleep with a bottle of her mother’s sleeping pills clutched to her chest, knowing there was a way out of her misery when she was ready for it, and then how she’d starved herself, hoping her body would simply slip away while no one was looking.

  “I’m going alone.” Kate turned away from Mo and let the water pelt her face. Mo didn’t argue, but Kate knew by the way that she closed the door without another word that she was upset.

  The longer Kate stayed in the shower, the worse she felt. Clearly the day had started out too perfectly. Waking naked with Mo’s arms around her, still on a high from everything that had happened in the hours before sleep, must have been a moment stolen from someone else’s reality. That wasn’t her life. Or if it was, the day was bound to end up like this.

  A stabbing cramp started up in her stomach and Kate turned off the water. She stepped out of the shower and the pain got worse. Doubled over, she stared at the tile floor while her drips made a puddle at her feet. The toilet was only a few feet away and the thought of vomiting gripped her. It had been years since she’d needed to do that to ease the pain, but the impulse was still as strong as ever. And yet she knew the cramp wouldn’t go away. Vomiting lessened it for only a while. As soon as she ate again, it would be back, along with all the awful thoughts that made her think of wanting to end it forever.

  It shouldn’t be like this anymore, she argued. Years had passed and she’d had enough time to do whatever healing should have been done. She wasn’t a scared, powerless thirteen-year-old. And hadn’t she been happy only hours ago? Truly happy?

  Kate straightened up as she tasted bile. She wouldn’t give her body that satisfaction. The easy way out had always been a lie. Reaching for a towel, she dried her eyes, hating the tears that wet her cheeks. She went over to the toilet and slammed the lid down.

  Going back to Amsterdam was going to dig up everything she’d buried. On one hand, she wanted to prove to herself that she could survive it. And on the other hand, she wanted to reject the plan simply because the word “Amsterdam” brought back a tide of panic. She didn’t think that Philip would give her an apology or say anything that might right all the past wrongs. But if she went to see him one last time at least she wouldn’t feel as if she’d owed him anything. There was no way, however, that she was putting Mo through any of it.

  Mo was sitting cross-legged on the bed eyeing her phone screen. She looked up as Kate came out of the bathroom. “We leave tomorrow at nine. There’s a layover in Atlanta and then we take a red-eye from there to Amsterdam.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I bought our tickets,” Mo said.

  “You did what? I told you I wanted to go alone.” Kate felt the anger spring out of nowhere, but Mo only stared back at her. “You don’t understand. I don’t want you to come.”

  “I’m not letting you do this alone.”

  “Mo, you have no idea what this is going to be like—”

  “You’re right. I don’t. And I can’t understand everything you’ve been through. Probably I never will. And this won’t make anything right, but I can’t stand to let you go alone.”

  “Mo—”

  “Please let me come.”

  Mo’s voice was more gentle than Kate deserved. It stopped Kate from screaming back at her despite the urge. Why did she think she could buy tickets without asking her first? She’d clearly gone against her wishes.

  “What’s going on between us, Mo, whatever it is, just started. We’ve been together one night. One night. You might not even like me in a week.”

  “Bullshit,” Mo said quietly. “We’ve been together sixteen years. With a lot of ups and downs. And if you think back on it all, I’ve always been there for you. Whenever you needed me. I never once walked away when things got hard.” Mo’s voice softened. “And finally when I feel like I wasn’t crazy waiting for you all those years… I’m not giving up now.”

  Kate shook her head. “This is my mess, Mo. I’ll go to Amsterdam and then we can figure everything out when I get back.”

  “No. We’ll go to Amsterdam. I’m not saying that you need me. I’m asking you to let me come. Forget about everything that happened yesterday—none of that matters.”

  “Forget about it?” Was Mo serious? There was no way Kate could forget anything about yesterday. No other day had come close to being as good. But now the fantasy she’d created in her head of being with Mo was seeing the light of day. God, what was she thinking? Why had she kissed Mo in the first place?

  “I’m saying that you were my best friend before that and you’ll be my best friend after. Even if yesterday hadn’t happened, I’d still want to go with you.” Mo stopped. “If you can’t let me in…”

  “I don’t know that I can let anyone in, Mo.” Tears were pushing at her eyes. “Maybe we should go back to being just friends.”

  “Is that really what you want?”

  When Kate didn’t answer, Mo tossed her phone face down on the bed sheets and pulled her knees up to her chest. She sat there, staring out the window and at the ocean line beyond their balcony. It was the same gorgeous view as the day before and yet everything had changed. Kate wanted to go back in time. They’d stay on that scooter and ride around the island until they found a place to stop for dinner. Then they’d come home late and Luis would have already left for the night. Not knowing any better, they would have slipped back to their bungalow.

  Mo looked over and met Kate’s gaze. “Do you think being friends would hurt less?”

  Kate didn’t answer, and the longer Mo held her gaze, the more the ache in her chest seemed to press out all the air from her lungs. She knew Mo didn’t deserve getting pulled into her disaster, but she also knew that they couldn’t go back to being friends. It was all or nothing. She crossed the room and came over to Mo’s side of the bed. When she held out her hand, Mo clasped it.

  “This was not how I wanted today to go.”

  “Me neither.” Mo chuckled, but a tear streaked down her cheek. She looked up at Kate with a wry smile. “But we’re having so much fun, why stop?”

  “Only you could be joking right now.” Kate gently swiped Mo’s tear with her thumb. It was impossibly hard stopping the “I love you” that formed on her lips. She eyed the bed, thinking of everything they’d done last night. “Is this how it usually goes when you start sleeping with women? One amazing night and then all of your life problems come to a head the day after?”

  “Pretty much. The good news is almost everyone gets through that first day. Then you get another amazing night.”

  “Almost everyone? What do you think our chances are?”

  Mo cleared her throat. “Right now I’d give us fifty-fifty.”

  “I want to change those odds. I like you so damn much, Mo. I don’t know how I’ll get by if…” She shook her head. “I know what you’re thinking. I shouldn’t say things like that.”

  “That wasn’t what I was thinking.”

  Mo pulled her close and met her lips. Their first kiss had been like a step across a tightrope three stories from the ground. Last night’s kiss had blurred her vision and left her throat dry for more. But this kiss…this was coming home to someone’s waiting arms. Mo’s lips felt right in a way nothing else could. When Kate drew back, she knew her heart was going to break if dating didn’t work.

  “I’m sorry I’m not up for that couples massage. I’m sorry for a lot of things, actually.”

  “You sorry for kissing me?” Mo asked.

  “No. I think I could die not sorry for that.”

  “How would you feel about laying down with me for a bit? I totally get it if you aren’t in the mood for being touched. I’m not suggesting that.”

  Kate undid the towel tied at her chest. Mo’s gaze went right to her breasts, and Kate couldn’t help but smile at the soft whimper she made. “S
coot over.”

  Mo shifted to the middle of the bed and then pushed down the sheets. As Kate settled in, Mo pulled off her shirt and then took off her shorts. She was wearing red boxers underneath the shorts and as soon as she lay down, Kate reached out to trace the waistband.

  “I didn’t vomit. I thought about it…” Kate paused. “That probably sounds disgusting. God, I’m such a mess.”

  Mo tilted Kate’s chin upward so their gaze met. “I can handle your mess. I don’t like you any less when you tell me these things. I like you more ’cause you’re letting me in. Let me come to Amsterdam.”

  Kate nodded. She didn’t trust her voice to say more and was glad when Mo kissed her instead. Mo’s arm wrapped around her, pulling her close as one tender kiss followed another.

  Chapter Seventeen

  It wasn’t until they’d gotten off the plane that Mo looked down at her shorts and sandaled feet and said, “Are we going to need coats?”

  “Already on it. We can get everything we need in the airport. There’s two stores we need to swing by.”

  While Mo had slept for most of the red-eye from Atlanta to Amsterdam, Kate hadn’t been able to nod off even for a moment. To keep herself from obsessing over what would happen after they landed, she’d connected to the plane’s Wi-Fi and drafted a half dozen work emails before scrolling through the listings for the Schiphol airport clothing shops.

  Her house sitter hadn’t complained about watching Peeves for an extra few days, and she knew no one at work would miss her as long as she promised to check her email. The only ones that seemed upset about the change in plans were Julia and Reed’s kids. The twins had cried through their last breakfast together and only dried their tears when Mo and Kate promised a special “Auntie Day” where they’d both spend the day with them. Aside from that promise, Kate hadn’t been able to think about any future beyond the three days in Amsterdam. Fortunately no one pressed her. She guessed that Mo had explained enough to Julia and Reed, and maybe even Terri, since everyone had resisted asking any questions and only gave her long hugs when the taxi came. That was exactly what she wanted and she was thankful Mo knew.