Meant For You

by Tomas, G. L.

  “Would you consider staying in my parent’s cabin? Maybe a hotel is closer, but I remember you loving it there. You’d have the place all to yourself, and I’d feel better you being there than a hotel. I’d even take you there myself.” With a pitch like that, it was hard not to take him up on his offer. The thought occurred to me that going out his way to accommodate me was the exact reason his fiancée had been pissed in the first place. The last thing I needed was for her to think I was kidnapping the man. It was bad enough she knew I still had feelings for him.

  “I don’t want to cause any further issues between you and your fiancée. Despite what she believes, I respect her and her home.”

  “Just gather your things. Let me take care of Anna.” He waved off my concern with a brush of his hand. And with that, he disappeared back onto the second floor, clearly annoyed and irritated with each step.

  * * *

  Olli

  When I entered the bedroom, Anna sat on the bed, covers pulled up to her belly with a tablet and stylus pen cradled in her hand. She read a great deal at night, but the fact that she could behave as if she hadn’t caused any trouble had internally infuriated me. She didn’t look at me. In fact, she hardly even acknowledged me until she noticed the clothes in my hand that I’d grabbed from the walk-in closet. It was nothing incredibly fancy, but with a pair of heavy jeans and a thick, fitted thermal, I appeared to have gotten her attention as I stripped down to change into actual clothes.

  “Olli, where are you going in this weather?” she asked, placing her reading glasses on the nightstand beside her, crawling closer to me when I sat on the bed to put my socks on.

  “I plan to take Benny to my parents’ cabin. For some reason, she feels unwelcome here. Care to elaborate why?” As I turned around to look at her, she gave me this spoiled little girl look, complete with an eye roll and a bratty cross of her arms.

  “Can’t you find someone else to take her? I’m not sure why she’s pulling this little diva moment. I’m doing what you told me to do. I’m staying on this side of the house. Does she really insist on leaving?” I stood up, walking back to the closet to grab a pair of my favorite impenetrable winter boots, slipping them on one by one. Finally, I grabbed a hat and a wool scarf that would help keep the cold at bay. When I reentered the bedroom, her expression hardened as if she believed I’d back down. Foolish woman; by now she should’ve known I did what I wanted. A change in attitude wasn’t going to change my mind.

  “Anna, do not make a big deal of this, especially since you caused this to begin with. I wouldn’t have to go anywhere if you hadn’t done your usual meddling. She did us a favor by signing the divorce papers. All I asked of you was to be cordial to her, but even something as small as that proves to be difficult for you. So yes, I’m leaving to take her to a place where she can be by herself and not have to deal with all of our drama. You of all people have given her nothing but your ass to kiss. I thought you might actually be ecstatic to see her leave.” She stood, walking over to me as her long, gentle fingers caressed the outline of my chest. She was trying to soften me up, and it usually worked but not tonight. She had to learn that her actions resulted in consequences.

  “Can I at least come, baby?” A look of surprise cast across her expression when I took her wrist in my hand and jerked it away.

  “No. You are to stay here. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Without another word, I left the room and was thankful when she did as I instructed and didn’t follow me.

  * * *

  It had been ages since I shoveled in an actual snow storm. I usually waited until the winds died down at a time like this. I didn’t have to do an incredible job, just enough to unblock the garage door when I opened it. Once I got the driveway cleared, the one car I always took out in the snow was my reliable Nissan Qashqai. That car withstood any condition you threw at it, and it was the only vehicle I felt comfortable driving Benny all the way to my parent’s cabin, where I knew the roads would be a lot worse. Although Adam had offered to help, I declined, wanting the solitude, fortunate for the time I had to myself to process what I was actually feeling these past few hours.

  I’d gotten what I thought I wanted. For Benny to finalize our divorce so that I could make my life with Anna official as husband and wife. So, why was I secretly having regrets about taking Benny away from her life back in the States just to do this selfish thing for me while I caused her nothing but stress in return? Was it possible that being reunited with the first real woman I loved so intensely had me reevaluating my relationship with the current woman in my life?

  Now, even thinking back to my proposal to Anna, it wasn’t really a proposal at all. She picked out the ring. She made the announcement to all our family and friends. The only thing I did was show up and pay for everything. But with Benny, everything had unfolded organically. I’d cleaned out my savings to buy her a modest sized ring. Not because she didn’t deserve more but because I promised myself when I could afford something grander, I would buy her the ring of her dreams.

  Her last day in Spain, I’d come up with a dozen, maybe more, unusual ways to give her this unforgettable proposal, but we weren’t even on speaking terms due to my insecurities. After all, she was honest with me on our first few dates that she hadn’t planned to be in Europe forever, so I knew our epic love story would eventually come to an unfulfilling end. But it was at her apartment, seeing all her things cleared out, that an overpowering feeling came over me, knowing that if I didn’t ask then, I was never going to know a love like hers. Her eyes welled with tears of never-ending joy when I’d dropped to one knee and asked her to be my wife. Little did I know that by her saying yes, she would leave an imprint on my life that would leave me forever altered.

  Memories like that I didn’t have with Anna. In the long run, it always had to be her way, even if it affected the thrill that went behind it. All I knew was that something died with me today when Benny made our divorce official. It meant that on the record, neither one of us belonged to each other. Free to align with others who fit our needs at the time. But what if who I needed had always and never stopped being Benny? The devastating truth was that from this day on, I may never know the answer to that question.

  With one final shovel of snow, I tried the garage door, grateful that I was patient enough to wait to ease the snow fully off. Passing my two sedans, I pressed the automatic start key to my Nissan as moments later I was safe inside and pulling out to the front of the house. Thankfully, I didn’t have to retrieve Benny as she was already walking towards the truck with her one bag. She helped herself inside before I could even get out and open the door for her. Shivering, she put on her seat belt as I offered to adjust the heat in her seat.

  “Would you like for me to turn on the seat warmers?” She nodded with a soft “That would be great” as I gave her the option of choosing the ride’s soundtrack from the vast selection satellite radio offered. I, for one, was a classic metal fan but when she settled on a mellow, old school rhythm and blues station, I didn’t object, allowing the smooth sounds of a soulful singer transport me back to when times were simpler and she was my one and only. While a part of me was perfectly fine with sitting in silence, I predicted the ride to be a long one, given that I took the long roads for safety reasons. There wasn’t a more perfect time to provide Benny with the apology I felt she deserved back at the house. Conversation hadn’t always been my strongest suit but with her, the words had always been easy to flow as we’d established an effective form of communication that worked for the both of us. To this day, I haven’t been able to open up to anyone with the same level of honesty as I had with my former love.

  “Bendición, I want you to know that despite what’s happened I truly appreciate what you’ve done for me. Now and even back then. I always hoped you and I would reunite under different circumstances, but I’m happy I got to see you again. Even if it doesn’t mean the same for you, I’m grateful to have known you. You are and always will be Mi Bendici
ón.” My blessing. It only seemed fitting that her mother would give her a name that fully encompassed the role she’d take on in the world. Blessing everyone and everything she touched.

  “Olli, I just want you to be happy. If you are, then I’m happy for you. You don’t need to apologize for something we should’ve done years ago,” she retorted. There was a possibility she didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but it provoked a bout of silence from me the rest of the car ride. I didn’t want to make things worse by making her feel any angrier than she felt. Perhaps, we’d be able to discuss things more in the morning should I get her to the airport on time, but until then I’d chosen to become mute, even as I reached the cabin and helped her bring her only bag inside.

  I switched the lights on, relief coursing through me that the power was still up and running. Without hesitation, I turned up the heat, assuring her that it wouldn’t be long for the space to warm up as I laid her bag on the couch with the promise that I’d start a fire before I left. Venturing the hallways for where I usually kept the wood and lighter fluid, I had come to a realization that I wholeheartedly missed this place. The coziness. The simplicity. Its quaint qualities all made me upset with myself that I didn’t leave my city home often enough to enjoy this diamond in the rough I’d inherited from my parents. Given that the last real time I’d spent in this place was when Benny and I first moved to back to Finland, I suppose it just brought back too many memories of the life I had before. I didn’t think I wanted those memories back; turns out I did truthfully treasure the time we’d spent together in this little house.

  When I returned to the living room, Benny had grabbed a few comforters from a nearby closet and cozied up inside them as she watched me pile all the logs necessary to keep a fire running long enough to hold her off until the morning. She always liked to watch me start a fire, especially since it was always something she saw on TV but didn’t think people did in real life, being from an urban area. There were many upsides and new experiences to be had when your lover happened to be a Finn.

  An abrupt shake of the ground caused us to lock each other’s gazes at the revelation that an alarming event was happening outside. As I rushed to the door, my eyes darted to the snow-packed windows, telling me what I already knew before I tried the front door. I would not be going home to Anna anytime soon.

  The snow had made a forceful fort around this—and what I assumed was every other door—that led to the outside of the house. We wouldn’t be going anywhere. Not without the help of someone from the outside digging us out. We were officially snowed in.

  13

  Olli

  Why did I believe it might be possible to avoid a Finnish snowstorm? Determination was one thing but possibility? I should’ve trusted my instincts and accepted that Anna wouldn’t be satisfied no matter how or when Benny left. I was trying to be accommodating to both of them. Respectful of Anna’s feelings while not making Benny feel like a burden. Our situation was far from a model one, but I hoped Anna—and I for that matter—could match just an eighth of an ounce of Benny’s civility. I can see now that hope was naïve.

  Now, all one could do was peer out the window and watch as my vehicle got nearly devoured by the snow. “This is a nightmare,” Benny repeated to herself, wondering why neither of the events, of late, couldn’t have waited until spring. This storm, my wedding; if I were being honest, Anna and I could’ve afforded to think things through more clearly.

  I certainly loved her, and I was confident she wanted a life with me, but we were polar opposites. While I’d performed a healthy combination of ignoring/admiring all our subtle differences, there were things about her I didn’t know, that she didn’t know about me. We were compatible in the moment, but I had no idea how we’d fair sharing expenses, what we’d be like as parents. Hell—I didn’t even know if she wanted to be a mother.

  Was that a deal breaker for me? No. Not yet…Anna was still at that age where she could think about what she wanted to do with herself before cultural norms imposed what it thought she should be doing, unless she’d married well. Which is why she’d made it clear if I made no plans to marry her that I best not waste her time.

  I wouldn’t call it an ultimatum, more of a push to take her as seriously as she took our relationship. I couldn’t think of many reasons why I shouldn’t marry her. But were we the type of couple who fell maddeningly in love and couldn’t bear to spend a second apart? No. We were both attractive people who benefitted more being together than being apart.

  So what if I didn’t long for her touch and she merely used moving in with me as a way to move out of her parents’ home? Not every love had to be strictly romantic. We complimented each other in the ways that mattered, and well, turned a blind eye to the ways we weren’t. Maybe, that’s why she instantly hated Benny.

  She could sense from the moment she witnessed Benny’s presence around me that we’d once shared a bond like no other. Benny hadn’t just been my lover; she’d been my submissive, too. It would’ve been difficult to recreate that if she weren’t willing to learn about dominance and submission. It wasn’t our intention to come off that way, but I was naturally protective of not just someone who’d been my best friend and companion, but also someone I’d nurtured and broken to build back up.

  Even in normal settings, you didn’t just forget that. I wasn’t just born into existence the moment Anna and I had met. I’d been a fully recognized, whole and functioning human being. At times, it was almost as if Anna resented that I’d had a past before her, especially one so far than our relationship had taken us.

  She’d made it clear the moment I brought it up that she’d under no circumstances do anything remotely close to submission. The truth was she didn’t know anything about the delicious side about being someone’s submissive. She just knew the stereotypes. I didn’t push submission on her because she voiced that it didn’t appeal to her much, and that turned me off more than the idea of her being a bad submissive. We had a service-level, normal relationship. We even communicated like most couples, meaning little to none at all.

  I doubt I would even feel confident enough to voice issues that weren’t overt. With Anna that’s what she wanted, so that’s what I gave her. I was exuding the version of masculinity she found acceptable. Emotionally withdrawn. Comfortably wealthy. Great in bed. So, why did I long for a time when I was more than just those things? Why did being confined within these walls make me feel truer to myself than I’d ever been?

  Was it because she was here?

  My first real love.

  My Benny.

  * * *

  Then

  “I’ve dealt with bratty submissives before. While we are on the subject, I’d like to bring up that bratty behavior brings out a natural aggression in me in a D/s scenario. I’d like to be upfront about that since we’re addressing our personal tastes.” The conversation naturally progressed into that subject as Benny and I were delving deeper into our courting stage of getting to know each other. We wanted to know each other’s Dom/sub styles as well as what time of the day either of us were the most active.

  We wanted to be on the same page with our schedules as the more time we had for each other, the more we could learn about each other’s habits. No subject had been off limits, though the first two weeks of our courtship had been spent on the phone, nearly five times a week. I wanted to know everything about her, not just because I wanted to sound and look like her ideal Dominant—I wanted to be her ideal Dominant.

  Being so would take compromise, something I resented people assuming Dominants weren’t capable of. I was about combining our strengths and weaknesses, and negotiating the type of relationship that’d not only benefit both parties, but also naturally evolve as our romantic relationship did. “I can handle a little aggression most times, but I’d require more aftercare the more intense things get.” She made sure to mention that before the subject had passed.

  It had become a personal preference to play with a submissi
ve who can, at times, take things a little rough. “If you have a threshold for certain impact activities, I’d prefer you use plain English communication. That way, everyone or everything is being communicated, even in a scene. I’m not against you breaking a scene to address a concern should you need to.” I made sure to mention the time I’d played with a former submissive who didn’t vocalize her concerns and agreed to only things I wanted to explore. Long story short, a sub who didn’t communicate wasn’t a submissive for me.

  “So, when you mention impact, what toys do you use to play with?”

  “I feel the most connected to my sub when I can use my hand to spank, but if the submissive requires more stimulation, a paddle or flogger is my impact toy of choice.”

  Exploring my deepest and darkest fantasies, I was far from a sadist. However, I did enjoy the behavior of a masochist. It felt like a gift that someone would take their punishment with grace. Growing up in Finland had been vastly different than living in Spain or just dealing with American women in general.

  I was taught to see women and men as equal to one another, so it’d been a difficult transition to navigate cultures that were the complete opposite and thrived off gender roles. Hypermasculinity was what most other countries celebrated, so while I wasn’t that way in my vanilla life, it was a fantasy to explore it in my dominance.

  “In the future, I’d enjoy the aspect of exploring consensual and non-consensual play. You would very much be in control but feel as though you’re not. Would that be okay with you?”

  “I would need examples.”

  Which meant she was open to the idea; she just wanted a short look into my head. I gave as many clear, concise examples of scenes I’d performed, had yet to perform, or had the most interest upon getting to perform with her. I’d only been a Dom for about three years, but I was already communicating with her better than I had with other subs.