by Tomas, G. L.
As much as I hated to admit it out loud, a great deal of her argument had been correct. When I left, I was in a state of depression I didn’t know how to come back from. I’d felt the weight of what it was like to devote your life to taking care of someone and coming up short with how to provide for her more than the bare minimum. I wanted so badly to give her everything other Doms were able to give their significant others, and while I struggled to find my way, I neglected my duties as a Dominant, but worst of all, as her husband. That still didn’t change the hurt I felt now. Hurt that came from being the father to a child who didn’t know who I was. Did she think I just abandoned her? Not knowing the answer was what pained the most.
“Does she know about me? Does she know where you are right now? Does she at least…does she at least look like me?” I asked as a final attempt to fight back unwanted tears. Benny pulled out her phone and brought up her phone’s photo album. There was only one labeled “Olivia”. To whether or not she looked like me, I was to be the judge.
Shifting through the album, this time, I’d found it difficult to hold back tears, so I didn’t even try. This little girl, our little girl, was nothing short of amazingly beautiful. She didn’t outright resemble me with her warm brown skin and dark hair. Underneath the surface, I could make out the distinct blend of features that were both mine and Benny’s.
Her eyes. Her dark eyes were that of my father’s. Looking in her eyes was like reveling in my own comfort as a child and being happy whenever I got to spend time with my father doing only the things that we shared as father and son. But the shape of them, all wide and curious, I marked as my own. Even her nose and ears were mine, but her lips, that beautiful smile was and could only be from that the love of my life Benny’s. She was so big. And to think I didn’t even know what her voice sounded like. Or what her favorite color was. I didn’t know anything about her. Of all the secrets Benny could have kept hidden from me, why did it have to be this?
“Olli, tell me what you’re thinking.” Her voice followed me as I ventured the cabin looking, sometimes even relooking at the countless photos she had stored on her phone. I was so lost in thought, I hadn’t realized I was already back in one of the cabin’s bedrooms. The one we’d spent all night making love and making such a beautiful mess in. Benny kept on probing, and I kept on focusing on the beauty of this seven-year-old treasure who shared our DNA. It was difficult to keep my mind in the conversation Benny wanted to have with me.
She’d had seven years to live with the idea of how becoming a parent had the power to be life changing. I just wanted a moment in peace to admire a few photos; was that so much to ask of her?
“I need some time to gather my thoughts, Benny. Can this conversation wait just a little longer?”
She frustratedly threw her arms up in the air. “Take all the time you need. In a few hours, I’ll probably be long gone anyway. That will give you all the extra so-called time you need.” It was then that I finally put the phone down. Benny, if anything, knew how to force a conversation out of me. She knew me well enough to predict what my next move would be. She wasn’t going home, not without resolving any of this. In my mind, it was already settled.
Before I could inform her what I’d mentally decided, the call of voices in the first room prompted me to perform a quick run-through of the house. In the living room stood three men in heavy utility gear, shovels in their hands.
“Is everything alright?” one asked in Finnish as another conversed with me about how my home staff, worried when I informed my butler of our snowed-in status, had sent a rescue team as soon as the weather allowed it. As a courtesy, they’d even helped shovel my car out, an act for which I was grateful since it would have taken me all morning by myself.
Benny emerged at my side to experience the wonder of us being able to leave here soon. If the stars aligned, she would be making an afternoon flight without her rescheduling. What I didn’t confirm was that her trip back would include an anxious plus one: me.
20
Olli
The rescue couldn’t have come at a more confusing time. All those chances. All these years. All the moments I looked back at what we’d been through together. She’d kept from me a truth that shouldn’t have been kept hidden. I was the father to her one and only child. She’d had remnants, reminders of me sprinkled in her life and all this time I was forced to move on when I thought I’d had no choice to. Didn’t I deserve to know?
She hadn’t even given me the chance to decide on my own terms if I would stay or not, despite my frustration with my lack of success in the US. I wanted to go home. Needed to go home, but if Benny had told me of the news of our baby, I would’ve never chosen to leave her. I knew how her father left before she even got the chance to know him; she didn’t talk much about it but I knew how much it affected her with how slow we moved in our courting phase. Her trust had taken longer to earn, something I credited to no man truly valuing her role in their lives the way she’d deserved to be treasured. And I’d done just that by abandoning her in her greatest time of need. All she had to do was tell me and I would’ve taken the first plane back to California. All she had to do was tell me…
The roads were icy and slippery, forcing me to drive slower, even slower than last night, so Benny’s attempts at conversation got ignored to the point where she stopped talking. Silence was always the one thing that hurt and confused her any time I’d been upset about something. When I willfully ignored her, she knew that was just my way of punishing her for how badly she’d fucked up. Some people yelled and screamed; others said awful things in the heat of the moment, but I’d found that neither one of those methods had ever worked for me. Silence was where I found my solace—and retribution. Processing this. Processing that. Processing anything and everything that could’ve been. I wasn’t sure how she had expected me to behave once she broke the news, but if I was certain about one thing, I knew she realized I wouldn’t be happy at the thought of losing years of the life I could’ve had. This life, the only life I wanted with her from the very beginning.
“Look at me,” I commanded as we approached a stop light. Shame and sympathy etched in her features and made being upset with her a very difficult task. Her dark eyes looked empty as if finally letting go of her concerns were the source of their light. My expression softened as I tried to sympathize with her at this moment.
“Benny, how have you been taking care of our child? What have you been doing for money?” I knew how most single women struggled in her country as I knew her mother worked several jobs to support her to put her through school. Life couldn’t have been easy; both working too much and spending less time with our daughter or engaging in the complete opposite, giving her more of her time but living paycheck-to-paycheck. I didn’t like either scenarios, but I still had to know.
“Olli, I’ve been handling my financial situation to the best of my ability. I had the opportunity to teach when Olivia started school but unfortunately, the job had insane hours despite the pay being more than I was worth, based on my level of education.” A car beeped its horn at us when I didn’t drive off at the sign of the green light. Holding up my finger, I signaled for Benny to wait on her explanation as I rolled down my window and signaled for the driver to go around me.
“Are you stuck?” he asked in Finnish. Sticking my head out the window, I yelled back, “No but I don’t plan to move, so if you’re in a hurry, go around!” Taking my advice, the driver drove up far enough to go around us but not without giving me a strange look for the sake of it.
I turned back to Benny, motioning for her to continue her story with a wave of my finger. I thought it best to park the car and turn on my hazards.
“That’s when the ski instructor job came along. I’d always known how to ski well and the certification was easy enough. The job paid enough to support the two of us and send her to private school as long as we lived someplace cheap and didn’t live above of our means.
“I’m not going
to sit here and lie to you and tell you we haven’t struggled sometimes, but my mom helps me a lot. She watches Olivia when I need to pick up extra shifts, and I get state assistance for food. That also really helps.”
As hard as it was for her to tell me all this, it was just as hard to hear the reality of her financial situation. These were all things I could’ve helped with, whether or not Anna and I were to be married. I would’ve made her understand the life I had before agreeing to marry her. If I’d known about Olivia even four years ago, I may have never even met Anna. But to learn my family had struggled while I lived a fulfilled life where money was hardly ever something I thought about I couldn’t help but feel like a terrible person.
“And this job? Do you like it?”
She shrugged, a look of defeat in her eyes as she tugged at the skin of her fingers. “I did. Due to the company’s cutback, they had to let me go, but I don’t really see it as a setback. I’ve been down this road before, and I always get back on my feet. Olivia has never had to worry about me taking care of her, and I always protect her from my own failures. She doesn’t even know I lost my job.”
The thought hit me. The settlement I’d offered her. Why would she turn it down knowing it would rectify her circumstances, even if only for a short time? By now, I had so many questions but no words formed in my mouth to ask them. She’d always been stubborn, but I didn’t realize she was that stubborn. “The settlement, Benny. Why did you turn it down if it could’ve helped? You were so eager to sign your love away. To end my marriage to you. But even if you hadn’t told me the truth, the money could’ve helped.”
“Olli, I felt so guilty for not telling you. You moved on. You seemed happy. Causing trouble in your life was never my intention but this whole weekend, that’s all I seemed to do. I didn’t take the money because I didn’t want to feel like I was exploiting you.”
“We have a daughter,” I uncharacteristically barked at her, causing her to cower in stillness. It was rare when I ever got that angry and even rarer when I took it out on Benny. That fear in her eyes had been likely the reason she hadn’t told me. It was why I wasn’t ready to speak about it until I got my thoughts in order.
“I apologize for yelling at you. It’s just, it’s my blood, too, that pumps through her veins. Do I not share that responsibility you’ve forced yourself to do alone?” Now that I knew, I couldn’t just go on with my life knowing there was a child out there that shared my DNA. Benny wouldn’t be returning home alone; my next move was to accompany her on her flight back to California.
“I’ll have my assistant postpone my plans for the next few weeks. I’m going home with you. I want to meet my daughter,” I said with finality and not asking permission. If Benny understood anything about me, it was that once my mind was made up, nothing would stop me from doing what I intended to do. As expected, she didn’t argue with me, and we hadn’t spoken another word to each other the entire rest of the ride home.
I pulled into the driveway, reassuring Benny that I’d only be a minute to grab the few essentials I needed for the unplanned trip. I was relieved she had taken the hint with how upset I was and let me venture the house by myself while she waited in the car. Even if it were only a few minutes I had to myself, I wanted the time to think things through.
My mind wandered back to all those years ago when I’d hit a boiling point with our current dilemma with me not being able to find work. Had she given off hints of her being with child? Did I ignore the signs due to my depression and unhappiness? If I could go back in time, I would’ve put Benny first instead of getting lost in my own disappointments, because now I’d found myself in a predicament that depending on how we dealt with the matter, someone could wind up hurt and unhappy and then we’d only find ourselves in the same place we were eight years ago.
Just as I finished gathering all of what I would take with me on my sudden trip, Anna materialized at the door of the closet we once shared together. Clearly, she still had the keys. It didn’t really surprise me to see her. The way she threw temper tantrums, I was sure I’d hear from her sooner or later with accusations of her being overemotional at the time and not meaning what she’d said.
“Anna, say whatever you have to say quickly. I’m on my way to the airport, and I don’t have time to get into a heavy conversation.” Her face softened.
“Olli, I’ve been worried sick about you; those things I said over the phone, I only said out of anger. Surely you know that I’m here to apologize. When you drop your ex off at the airport, I’m certain we can get this all straightened out. I understand now. I was being childish.” My nostrils flared at the thought of her thinking her threats were the reason I was distraught. In all honesty, our weekend conversation was the furthest from my mind. She was the last person I’d given thought to since hearing the news about my seven-year-old daughter.
“Anna, I’m a complete mess right now. Your threat to call things off was something I took to the heart. You and I are over. You said so yourself. It’s best if you just forget about me. Forget about us.” Somehow, I hadn’t even noticed the documents she held in her hand. Had they always been there? Blinded by my own frustration, perhaps, they’d always been there. The divorce papers that marked the end of my and Benny’s marriage. I’d forgotten all about them being trapped in that cabin together.
“The papers are signed. You’re taking your ex to the airport. Things between us don’t have to be over. Maybe I had an ounce of doubt in you before, but I trust you now to make the right decision for you and to make the right decision for me.” Anna stepped close enough to me to touch her, handing me the papers as if she’d known exactly what I’d do with them. A smile crept at the corner of her mouth as if saying “thank you for choosing us”. But now, with the papers in my hand, I did the only thing I could think of to get the message through to her this time that this journey between she and I had ended. The past was now my future and the future, my past. Inserting the twenty-five-page file in the reigns of the paper shredder that sat on my desk, the divorce papers disintegrated into dozens of even threads of unreadable minced spirals. It was the first time I saw her often sweet face turn into something almost unrecognizable. Ugly even.
Of all the years she whined and fought to get her way with me despite the little she offered in return, she would finally understand that what you say, even in the heat of the moment, had consequences. And while I didn’t like being the cause of her pain, learning I had a child with Benny would be the last test our relationship couldn’t pass. She would never accept Bendición had earned a permanent spot in my life as the mother of my first child. That would be the news that would be the final decider of our fate.
“Anna, things are different now. I love you and I wish I didn’t have to hurt you this way, but I have unfinished business that involves my past life with Benny. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to understand. Perhaps even forgive me.” With that, I carried my small bags out the room only to find Anna on my coattails, yelling hysterically to get in the last word. In her native Swedish, we fought from the second floor, down the steps and even out to the front door. Finally, we’d reach the car I was taking and leaving at the airport to catch our late afternoon flight to Benny’s side of the world. If I let her get any closer, I feared she’d plant some idea in Benny’s head about her and I getting back together, and I didn’t need that hanging over an already fragile problem brewing between us. So, I said the first thing I could think of to get her to back off.
“You were right, Anna,” I spoke to her in her mother language. “I’m still in love with Bendición, and that’s why I cannot marry you. I didn’t want to tell you like this but…you’ve left me no choice.” Like a deer in headlights, she stopped in her steadfast tracks. Anna knew the worst thing about me, and that was that I told no lies.
Outside was so frigid that even with the blink of an eye, you could see the air at just the slightest of motion but the look on Anna’s face was colder than any drop in temp
erature winter could ever bring. Without a jacket, she stood there like an ice queen, unaffected by the sharp winds that surrounded us, in her own way defeated.
“Be well, Anna.” There was nothing else I could say to make this better for me or for her, or even the nearby Benny watched us just a few feet away in the passenger side of my vehicle. Tossing my overnight bags in the backseat alongside Benny, I climbed back into the front seat and backed out of the driveway. Anna was still standing there, in the blistering cold weather, lost in thought. As much as I worried about the longing effects of what my truth might cause her to do, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with anxiety as I made my way to the airport on the way to meet my daughter for the very first time.
21
Benny
Olli made his way back to the car and didn’t waste a second pulling out of the driveway.Olli offered me nothing but a frontseat of silence. Maybe it was his intention to make me consider all I’d hid from him, but it ramped up my anxiety not knowing what he was thinking, what he’d said to Anna, and what we were going to do once we got to California.
Anna never liked me, and after last night she had all the more reason not to. I’d been with Olli in all the ways a husband and wife should have been, and it didn’t help that emotions had been amplified with the reintroduction to our D/s selves. Had they been arguing about that, on his way back to the car?
Olli wasn’t a liar; since Anna had called off their engagement, I’m sure he’d at least been honest about how we’d spent being snowed in together. Since they had only gone back and forth in Swedish, I couldn’t have leaned in even if I’d wanted to. But based on body language and other tells, they’d been discussing something big. I couldn’t help feeling I’d get stuck between my feelings for him and reconsidering our divorce and trying to figure out if Olli had been serious about ending things with Anna.