For the Thrill of the Blunt

by Tom Sadira

“She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes—when she comes.

  “She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain,

  she’ll be coming ‘round the mountain,

  she’ll be coming ‘round the mountain when she—”

  * * *

  Charlie’s ditty was cut short by a thunderous snort at the back of the cave.

  All the tension returned to his body. He reached for the staff and held it high like a scrawny club. The jostling caused his now-thawed foot to howl with pain.

  Another snort came from the darkness, this time accompanied by clacking on the stone floor of the cave. Something was approaching.

  Well, that’s it. I’m fucked.

  I’ll never find out if Swarm and Axo made it home.

  I’ll never find out if Zee and I could’ve actually been a thing.

  Worst of all, I’ll never find out if my Golden Ticket was good enough to win the Cannabis Cup.

  An ivory silhouette, more apparition than beast, emerged from the shadows. The ghastly thing reached its two gigantic hands so high they almost touched the roof of the cave. It floated a couple of feet off the ground, its bottom torn and faded like a ghost. Between its huge hands appeared a snow white face with large, hungry black eyes.

  As it drew closer to the campfire light, it became clear that the thing wasn’t some alien spectre. What he thought was a ghost suspended in the air was just the beast’s enormous face. Behind it, a bulky white frame wobbled on four frail legs.

  Charlie was face to face with the official reason for the trip to Vos Praeda—the elusive chocolate moose.

  The moose had a thin third horn sprouting from the center of its forehead as well as mangy white fur dangling in long clumps that almost reached the floor. It looked old, tired, and agitated.

  Killed by the moose I came here to hunt?

  Karma’s a bitch, man.

  Charlie pushed himself up against the wall as it approached. Long, bleached eyelashes fluttered from his face to his swollen foot and back again.

  “H-h-hi there,” Charlie said. “I can’t remember if you’re a carnivore or not, but, uh, you should probably know that I taste like shit. See, my skin’s even brown. Yuck, man.”

  The moose sniffed excitedly at Charlie’s mouth, then down his arm. He nudged Charlie’s trembling hand into the air and—with surprisingly dexterous lips—snatched the blunt.

  The beast plopped down beside the fire, laid its giant head on its front legs, and suckled the smoldering spliff.

  Without taking his eyes off the moose, without moving too quickly, Charlie grabbed another blunt and lit up.

  20

  Swarm and Axolotl sat facing each other in absolute darkness.

  Actually, having no legs or butt, Swarm wasn’t really capable of sitting. The best he could do was teeter on what was left of his upper abdomen.

  Remembering his training about how to confront death, he decided not to spend the last few minutes of his life complaining. After the fighting was done, after the battle was over, even the mightiest and bravest of warriors had no choice but to dissolve back into stardust.

  Besides, having only half a body wasn’t all bad. When a vicious pack of canipedes tore him apart would be over twice as fast.

  Poor Squishy. With his regenerative abilities, it could take them hours to finish him off.

  He flicked the repulsor’s cracked orb. A faint red spark flickered to life, then vanished.

  It was over. The only thing standing between them and an army of hungry mouths was the charred shell of their transit pod.

  “Pod, collapse into a smaller ship,” he commanded for the hundredth time. Again his voice bounced back and forth across the lightless dome, and nothing happened.

  Then, suddenly, something happened. A feverish scritch-scratching surrounded them, followed by an uproar of excited snarls and barks. Horizontal slivers of moonlight appeared all around the base of the shell.

  The canipedes were digging their way in.

  Swarm swiveled around on his torso. “They’re coming in! From all directions! Fight them off, Squishy!”

  “Fight them with what, yo?”

  “Look around!” Swarm said. “There’s gotta be something in the ash to use as a weapon!”

  Axo plunged an arm into the rubble. He pulled out a club-sized, ashen log and gave it a test swing. It crumbled to pieces.

  Snouts appeared in some of the moonlit slots.

  “It’s no use. We’re done, Bugbrain.” He fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. “We were so close…and now I’ll never see the wogs again. I’ll never see Sally again…”

  Swarm hand-walked over. Through the faint moonshine he could see Axo’s goggles were completely fogged up.

  Brother from another mother.

  He sighed and leaned his forehead against Axolotl’s.

  “The galaxy is about to lose the most devoted father and mate it’s ever known. Mother will take care of them now. We had a good run, considering all the pinches we’ve been in. It’s been an honor to serve on the Starseed with you, Squishy.”

  “You too, Bugbrain.” Axo’s throat caught.

  “Can I ask you one last favor?”

  “What’s that, yo?”

  “Can I have a hit of that blunt you’re hiding?” Swarm asked with a slight rattle in his voice.

  “Huh?” Axo sniffled and wiped his nose with his forearm. “We finished that blunt hours ago. I thought you were holding out on me!”

  “Me? I don’t smegging bogart! Did you drop the stub or something?”

  “I swallowed the last bit, yo! Just like always!”

  Swarm’s antennae probed the air in wide circles. “If neither of us is burning one, then where is that smoke coming from?”

  “Shhh! Listen, Bugbrain!” Axo lifted the dreadlocks away from his earholes. Swarm listened.

  The scratching had slowed down and the chorus of barks and growls was thinning. In their place, Swarm heard a steady hiss.

  One by one, the snouts disappeared.

  “Hey down there!” a familiar voice boomed. “Can I give you boys a lift?”

  “Zee!” they shouted in unison.

  Axo’s goggles filled with tears so fast he had to lift them off his cheeks to empty them. Swarm let himself fall back into the ash.

  Guess I’ll do the stardust thing another time.

  Axo snatched Swarm off the ground, threw him onto his shoulders, and walked through the hull.

  Above them hovered a silent, seed-shaped silhouette the size of a yacht. Wisps of vapor dissipated around small holes that puckered shut along its underside.

  The meadow was covered by a blanket of thick, white smoke. Inside the smoke, dozens of furry mounds twitched and moaned with pleasure.

  “Heeeeey, foooood,” one of the canipedes slurred. “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “Don’t let the food leave,” another said as it rolled onto its back.

  The Starseed’s language bonding had kicked in, and more voices started pouring out of the other furry mounds.

  “Oh man, am I hungry…”

  “Hey guys, someone stop the food…”

  “No! Someone rub my belly…”

  “This grass feels soooo good…”

  “Have you guys ever really looked at the stars before?”

  Despite all the dopish grumbling, the pack of canipedes lay sprawled out with their eyes half-closed. Whatever danger they’d posed had been completely disabled.

  “Your dinner reservation is canceled!” Axo said, pushing a limp canipede aside with his foot.

  A rope ladder dropped in front of him. As soon as he took hold of it, it began reeling him into the hovering transit pod. The pod morphed around their bodies, pushing them up through the floor and delivering them onto a bed of large pillows in the center of a domed cockpit. Zylvya towered over them with her arms crossed.

  “First things first. Do I say ‘I told you so’ now, or do I wait till you boneh
eads are all healed up?”

  “Zee, I can’t tell you how glad we are to see you!” Axo started to get up, but she waved him back down.

  “Glad to see you, too,” she said, kneeling beside them. “Looks like you both lost a little weight.”

  “Smart thinking back there with the Ganja Strike. What level was that? Four?” Swarm asked.

  “There was no time to mess around. I went straight for a Level 5 Indica.”

  Swarm nodded, then shot her the warmest smile a giant insectoid could offer. “Thanks, Zee. We owe you one.”

  “Once Chatters are back online, you should thank Del. He’s the one who came up with the trick to locating you.” She reached into a pouch and brought out her fist. Inside was a tiny crimson beetle. It scurried across her palm, fluttered to Swarm, and burrowed into his abdomen.

  “One of my meetles! How?”

  “He convinced Mother to regenerate one. I set it on the floor and pointed the pod in whatever direction it crawled. By far, the most repulsive compass I’ve ever used—but it led me right to you.”

  “Remind me to be nicer to that kid,” Swarm said as he lay back and put his arms behind his head. “How long till we get back to the Starseed?”

  She stood and looked out at the Vos Praedean landscape that filled the upper portion of the cockpit. “We have one more stop to make.”

  “The captain? No way he’s still alive!” Swarm rattled. “I’d bet my left antenna his bloody clothes are sitting at the bottom of a pitgrub trap.”

  She tapped the console and the pod started moving across the trees. “He’s out there alright, and he needs us, Bugbrain.”

  “I’ll tell you what he needs! A lobotomy and a month in rehab!” Swarm said.

  Zylvya tore her gaze from the dome and locked eyes with him. “Without Charlie’s help I wouldn’t have been able to find you two. He told me where you were headed, gave me an idea of where to start looking. If it’d taken me five more minutes to find you, you’d be a chew toy by now.”

  “Exactly! The chances of that ape surviving this long, even with—especially with—those murderous assholes escorting him, are next to nothing.”

  “Listen, Bugbrain. That ape stood up to Helwyr. Then, after I offered to rescue him, he ordered me to find you instead. Now he’s holing up in a cave somewhere—cold, starving, and defenseless. We’re not leaving without him.”

  “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go get him, yo!” Axo cried.

  “I wish it were that easy…” She turned back toward the mountains that spanned the horizon. “Helwyr chopped Charlie’s staff in half, so I can only get a fuzzy reading between the two pieces. Not enough to locate either part.”

  “Can’t we just sweep the area until we find him? Shouldn’t take too long to find the ape and get the hell off this smegging rock,” Swarm suggested.

  “If we fly close to the mountains, Helwyr might spot us. Tipping him off that we’re here might cause him to freak out and take Charlie hostage. Or worse.”

  “Then what do we do? How do we find Charlie before that asshole finds him?” Axo asked.

  “We stay at a safe distance and do our best to get a visual. If the signals start merging, we’ll have to punch it and swoop in before Helwyr reaches him.”

  “That’s our plan?” Swarm’s mandibles twitched. “We wait for that murderous psycho to close in on the captain before we make our move?”

  Zylvya sighed. “That’s right. I don’t like it either, Bugbrain, but we have no choice. Until then, let’s just hope Charlie sits tight and doesn’t do anything stupid.”

  21

  Charlie was perched high on a branch. A heavy gray sky hung overhead. The wind had just begun howling, and he felt a single raindrop kiss his cheek.

  Slowly, he reached out and shoved a branch aside. On the other side of the thick mulberry leaves, over the cinderblock wall and the row of overgrown oleander bushes, was her window. She’d be coming home from volleyball practice any minute, just like she had every Thursday.

  Over the course of the semester, he’d memorized her routine. The first thing she’d do was flip on her boombox. Then, to some 80’s pop music—Charlie never cared what she played, as long that it was something worth dancing to—she’d start removing her sweaty uniform.

  He knew that sometimes after her clothes were off, before jumping into her shower, she’d keep dancing until the song was over.

  A door swung shut somewhere nearby.

  Crap! Was that her? Maybe she went in through the front door?

  Blood started to drain from his head, and pumped vigorously through his body. He steadied himself and kept his eyes peeled to the window. Any second now she’d run through the door, toss her backpack and gym bag in the corner, and dive for the radio.

  “Charlie, time to come inside,” a familiar female voice called. “I made some brownies. Come get one while they’re still warm!”

  He glanced down through the lower branches. There his mother stood, her long skirt blowing in the wind, her fists on her hips. She hadn’t spotted him. He froze.

  “Charlie!” she called. “It’s gonna start raining any minute. Your bike and skateboard are right here, so stop hiding and come out!”

  He didn’t dare move a muscle. He kept one eye on the window, and the other on his mother as she paced around the yard looking for him. She peeked behind the trash cans and around the side of the garage.

  The smell of warm brownies made Charlie’s stomach roar like a hungry lion. For a second, he feared it was so loud his mother would hear, but she didn’t. He resumed his snooping.

  Her room was still empty. He relaxed as he realized that he hadn’t missed her dance.

  “Charlie?” his mother asked with less urgency than before. Wind swept her long, thick curls across her face. She pushed them aside and scanned the yard.

  Suddenly, a strange excitement crackled in her eyes. She looked like a cat ready to pounce on a bird. After taking one more quick look around, she darted behind the garage.

  He watched as she reached up above one of the beams that connected the garage wall to its roof. She’d grabbed something tiny, long and white. She popped the thing between her lips. A second later, she reached up again, this time palming something metal and plastic.

  She looked anxious and paranoid, but happy. She fumbled with the things in her hand, and a series of sparks lit up her face. He could tell now what the metal and plastic thing was: it was a blue lighter, the same one she used to light the candles on his birthday cake. She held the flame to the white thing in her mouth, shielding it from the wind with her free hand.

  His mind reeled. His mother didn’t smoke cigarettes. When he and some friends had been caught trying them at school, she’d gone on a tirade about how toxic and addictive the “white man’s cock” was—and then grounded him for a month.

  Yet there she was, leaning against the garage, eyes closed with satisfaction, puffing away at something that looked a hell of a lot like a cigarette.

  He checked the window again. It was open, and the sheer white curtain that normally hung motionless was rippling in the breeze. A familiar figure stood just beyond the translucent fabric. Her bags were still slung over her shoulders.

  Damn, I almost missed the show!

  She tossed them on the floor and spun whimsically toward the boombox. She hit the play button and music filled her room.

  Charlie’s heart began pounding. His pants grew tighter.

  Something was off. He gawked more closely at the girl pulling off her shirt. Her hair, which was normally pitch black and straight, was now a bouncy emerald green.

  Wow! She’s so rad! Even her eyebrows are green!

  He wanted to yell out to her, tell her how totally cool she was. But she was nearly naked now, and his ability to form words was as dead as a dodo.

  As he watched, he noticed something else was different about her. Her skin, which he’d seen plenty of times, which he knew for a fact was the shade of California
gold, was now covered in brown tattoos. Every inch of her skin, from head to toe, had vertical brown lines running down it.

  “Hello family!” a voice boomed from within his own house. His father was home from work much earlier than normal.

  “I’m hooome!” he called out. “Where is everyone?”

  “Shit!” he heard his mother whisper. A huge cloud of smoke blasted from her mouth, and she waved it away. The smoke drifted up into the tree and mixed with the intense chocolatey smell coming from the house.

  That tobacco smells funny. Sweeter than cigarettes.

  Damn. I like it.

  He watched as she quickly stubbed out the cigarette—or whatever it was—and stashed it and the lighter up in the rafter. She twirled her skirt around and whipped her hair from side to side, then pulled it back into a ponytail and marched toward the house.

  “Brownies? Nice!” Father’s voice was closer now, just inside the screen door. “And look at that. You guys waited for me.”

  “Coming!” his mother called back.

  She glided towards the house and disappeared inside. Even after she’d gone, her funny cigarette smoke lingered and mixed with the intoxicating smell of brownies. Charlie stuck his tongue out to see if he could taste the air.

  Hope mom saved the spatula and the bowl for me!

  Of course she did.

  A sprinkling of rain began pitter-pattering on the heat-scorched leaves. The wind picked up, causing the branches of the old tree to sway back and forth between his covert perch and her window. Hormones trumped common sense, and he decided to venture farther out on the branch to get a better look.

  As the bedroom came into view, his blood turned to ice. The girl—no, the green-haired, woodgrain-skinned woman—was looking right at him. She’d pulled the curtains across her naked body, and her contorted scowl expressed a mix of horror and repulsion and anger.

  Charlie started shaking uncontrollably. Panicking, he pulled his hands up to hide his face, and in doing so let go of the branch.

  As he began to fall, he heard the girl in the window shriek.

  “How dare you, Captain Hong!”