For the Thrill of the Blunt

by Tom Sadira

  The ground rushed up at him.

  Just as his nose came within a hair of the parched California lawn, Charlie woke with a jolt.

  His senses took a moment to orient themselves. The sound of rainfall inside his dream persisted, as did the sweet smell of chocolate and cannabis smoke. A dim grayish light poured in from the mouth of the cave. He was cuddled up against a furry white mound that reeked of a freshly unwrapped chocolate bar.

  “Zee’s gonna have one hell of a time finding us in this weather,” he muttered.

  “Zee, the friend you told me about last night?” the mound asked. “The female with skin that looks like polished hardwood but feels soft like—?”

  “Yep!” Charlie blushed, remembering his dream. He shuddered and rubbed his jaw. “The lady packin’ the hard right hook. And the hard left hook. Anyway, she’ll be giving us a ride back to the Starseed, but first she has to find us.”

  Charlie balanced on his good foot, yawned, then stretched for the stubby stalactites. The ginormous moose grunted and pushed himself up with his front hooves. Slowly, cautiously, he applied weight to his arthritic back legs and stood.

  Steadying himself, the moose yawned and smacked his lips sleepily. “The pain is not as bad as last night. I think your magic smokestick helped.”

  “Mine feels a little better, too.” Charlie lowered himself back to the ground and lifted his leg. His ankle was still three times as large as it should have been, and his brown skin still black with subdermal blood. “Cannabis has a way of doing that. Especially stuff as potent as my Golden Ticket. Oh man! I can’t wait to show you my plants, my quarters, the Bridge. Just wait till you see the Starseed. You’re gonna love it!”

  “Thanks for offering me a new life,” the moose said. “I welcome an escape from the visions of Death that have been stalking me.”

  “Your running days are over, man. No more living a life of fear and solitude. You’ll see.”

  “And you’re sure that predators cannot harm us while on your Starseed?”

  “That’s right. There’s this rule, this Mark, that keeps the Seeders from hurting each other. I don’t completely understand it, but it sounds pretty damn foolproof. Before we know it, we’ll be back on the Starseed and you can see for yourself. Oh, man! We’re gonna have a huge feast—all vegetarian, of course. Then I’ll announce to everyone that I’ve made you, uh…Chief of Chocolate, or something like that.”

  “I’m very fortunate to have met you, little ape.” The moose batted his ivory eyelashes and sighed contentedly.

  “Ditto, big moose dude! It was awesome hanging out last night—especially the part where we got high as fuck and the auto-translation kicked in. It’s been a long time since I just hung out and bullshitted with a friend all night.” He ran a hand through his ‘fro and gazed down at the cave floor. “I still can’t believe I came here to eat you, man.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m used to it by now. Everyone always tries to eat me.”

  A snapshot of Helwyr’s demented grin flashed in Charlie’s mind, followed by a heavy wave of guilt.

  “Those days are over,” he lied. “You’re totally safe with me, man.”

  The moose sniffed Charlie’s swollen foot. “Thanks.”

  “Well,” Charlie said, turning to the mouth of the cave, “it’s daylight now, which is good, but it’s starting to pour. Zee’s gonna have one hell of a time finding this cave in the rain. Maybe we should head to high ground to make ourselves more visible.”

  “But the blue one you called Evil Cat Turd is looking for us. And the toothy slimebeasts always come out to hunt in the rain. We should stay put, little ape.”

  “Maybe you’re right. I’ve made enough dumbass decisions for one trip. Let’s call Zee and see what she thinks we should do.” Charlie rose and balanced on his good foot, staff in hand. “I can’t wait to introduce you to the crew. Shit, I almost forgot about Swarm and Axolotl! I hope she found them before…” His throat closed up and his shoulders slumped forward.

  “During my four hundred seasons living on these mountains, I’ve watched all that I love—my herd, my mate, my offspring—be ripped away from me by the jaws of Death. Each time the pain and loneliness was almost too much to bear. Many times I felt like jumping into those jaws myself, just to relieve the agony. But every time I was about to give up, every time I thought there was nothing left to live for, a voice as quiet as the stars would whisper in my ear and convince me to go on. Last night was one such moment, but this time the voice convincing me to go on was yours. Your story reminded me of the great wisdom that has kept me going for centuries: nature rewards courage borne from love.”

  “Courage? Dude, my whole life is one big fuck-up. I’ve been captain of the Starseed for less than a week, and my shitty decisions may have gotten two of its crew members killed.”

  “You made mistakes, as we all do. You may think you put your new friends in danger, but danger is unavoidable. The important thing is that every time you were given a choice between fear and love, you chose love. Whether or not your friends have been claimed by the jaws of Death, life will go on and your love will bear fruit. Keep that in mind in all that you do, and you’ll be a great leader.”

  Charlie stood stunned, letting the steady rain fill the silence. He stroked the moose’s neck and smiled.

  “Man, I can’t wait for the crew to meet you. Let’s go home.” He thumbed the Chatter rivet. “Zee, come in.”

  There was a click, a burst of glitchy static, then nothing. He knocked the staff with the palm of his hand and pressed the button again.

  “Zee, you there? Did you find the guys? Are they okay?”

  More faint static, but no audible reply.

  “Shit. Maybe I’m too deep in the cave to get a good signal. I’ll try from out on the ledge.”

  With one hand on the wall to keep his balance, he hopped to the mouth of the cave. He pressed the rivet and held the staff up to his face. Before he could speak, a translucent glob of goo fell from above and oozed down the back of his hand.

  “What the hell? What kind of rain do you guys have here?” he said, flinging the goop from his hand. More slime fell, this time hitting his forearm. He tried to swipe it away, but rather than dislodging, the goop became a string of mucus stretching between his arm and his fingertips.

  “Little ape,” the moose called out with restrained urgency, “that is not rain. Get back inside the cave, now!”

  “What do you mean? If it’s not rain, then…”

  Charlie trailed off as a shadow descended over him. Above the cave’s entrance a boulder softened and slowly poured onto the ledge.

  “Toothy slimebeast!” the moose bellowed. “Follow me! Now!”

  Without making a sound, the elephant-sized boulder began rotating. As it turned, two appendages extended into the air and revealed foggy, intelligent eyes. The beast shifted its weight backward and lifted its front end into the air. Rows of foot-long gray fangs lined its circular mouth. The thing let loose something between a roar and a belch, and the mildewy gust it produced nearly knocked Charlie onto his ass.

  Toothy slimebeast.

  Sabertooth slug.

  Fuck me. Helwyr wasn’t kidding!

  The thought of turning to run made his foot throb. There was no way he’d be able to hop away before the giant slug brought its open mouth down on top of him.

  Something hit Charlie from behind and lifted him off his feet. Before he could react, he was scooped up by a massive snout, rolled between a trio of massive antlers, and deposited on the moose’s back. He clung to the thick white fur as they galloped toward the back of the cave.

  “Thanks, dude!” Charlie said into the moose’s ear. The air deep inside the impossibly dark cave was cold, and he thought he heard running water. “Do you hear—”

  He was interrupted by a lunge forward and an enormous splash. The moose had plunged into a frigid body of water and started paddling its four legs furiously. Another belchy roar—surprisingly close
behind them—shook the cave walls.

  “Watch your head, little ape!” the moose warned. Charlie laid flat against the white fur and felt the moose’s huge head duck under something. The acoustics changed as if they were in a tunnel, and the water seemed to pull them along without much effort.

  “I can’t see a damn thing. Where are we?” Charlie asked.

  “Underground rivers run throughout these mountains, connecting caves and tunnels. Without these, I’d have been trapped by toothy slimebeasts centuries ago.”

  Charlie stared into the blackness behind them. “Why doesn’t it follow us?”

  “Toothy slimebeasts love the rain, but something about the water that flows through the mountains causes them pain.”

  The exhausted and starved stoner let his heartbeat settle as the icy water numbed his foot. His body ached as if it had been squeezed of every last drop of energy. He wasn’t sure how much more of Vos Praeda he could take—especially with just one blunt left.

  Before long, a dim half circle of light appeared ahead of them. It grew and brightened until Charlie could see the river collecting into a large pool inside another cave. The moose’s hooves connected with the rocky bank, and with a series of grunts and groans he lifted them from the water.

  This cave was much shallower than the former, offering just enough solid ground for them to stay out of the rain.

  “If another one of those slugs finds this cave, we’ve got nowhere to run. There’s only one thing to do,” Charlie said, sliding the last blunt from his waterproof case. “We find the highest point on the mountain and hope Zee spots us before anyone else does.”

  “You’re the captain,” the moose said, lowering his head and walking out into the rain.

  Charlie’s imagination told him that every boulder they passed was a slug ready to pounce. Every hint of movement in the corner of his eye was one of Helwyr’s arrows. Every flash of lightning in the clouds was a foul-mouthed vrill swooping down to snatch him off the moose’s back.

  Just as he was about to overdose on anxiety, he lit his last blunt. He took a long, deep hit and then leaned forward to pop it into the moose’s fat lips.

  “I can feel you shaking, little ape. But don’t worry, we’re almost there.” The moose exhaled white smoke from his nose as he spoke. “Just around this corner is the highest plateau on this peak. We can see, and be seen, for miles.”

  “Sounds good, man. I’ll keep an eye out for Zee, and—Hey, wait! Stop!” Charlie snatched the blunt, popped it in his lips, and slid down the white fur onto his good foot. He hopped to a handful of grass that grew in a narrow crack and plucked something that was nestled inside.

  “Hell yeah, dude! What’d you say about nature rewarding courage?”

  “Is that the blue flower you were looking for?”

  “It sure as hell is!” Charlie held the scrawny blossom up to his face. Its petals hummed an electric blue, and its stem was gnarled and black. This was the flower Nadia wanted.

  After all the bullshit, all the mistakes, all the injuries, I’ve found the goddamn flower.

  I’ll be able to look through Captain Major Tom’s Outernet history.

  Maybe I’ll finish the weapon.

  Maybe I’ll be able to free Earth.

  A sudden rush of guilt nearly knocked him over. Four Felonians—four men, with loved ones back on the Starseed who depended on them—had been sacrificed so that snaky bitch could get her hands on this stupid flower.

  He indelicately shoved it into his pocket and clambered onto the moose’s back.

  They ascended, looping around a narrow path to the apex of the mountain. A pile of large boulders lay at one end of the plateau, while the other end jutted out into a sharp cliff. Charlie passed the blunt back to the moose and straightened up.

  “Let me try the staff again,” he said, pressing the rivet. “Zee, this is Charlie! Come in! We’re at the top on one of the peaks!”

  A whiz and a pop crackled from the staff, then it fell silent.

  “Dammit! This storm must be messing with the Chatter signal.” He scanned the low, dark clouds that spanned the horizon. A steady rain pelted their soaked bodies. Thunder rolled across the sky until it clapped loudly above them.

  Charlie felt a trembling beneath him and realized that the old, knob-kneed moose had been carrying him for over an hour. He slid off and stroked its neck.

  “Thanks for the ride, man. Zee must be nearby somewhere. It won’t be too long before we’re out of here.” The moose lowered its massive body to the rocky slab and sighed.

  Leaning against the staff like a short cane, Charlie hopped to within a few feet of the cliff’s edge and peaked over.

  “Daaaamn, that’s a long way down. Well, at least from this vantage point we’ll be able to spot any attacking beasts long before they reach us.” He sucked in a lungful of smoke and spewed it into the air. “As usual, it’s good to have the high ground, man. Get it? High ground?”

  The moose smiled contentedly. There was another clap of thunder, and as it subsided, the roar of hysterical laughter erupted from the direction they’d come. Charlie spun around in time to see Helwyr, perched on the highest boulder on the plateau, draw his bow and lower it directly at them.

  “Yes, Captain Hong, it is good to have the high ground.”

  22

  Del pounded his fists on the console.

  “Parallaxical ionospheres with unstable quantum layers are the worst!”

  He let out a long, exasperated sigh, then resumed tapping commands onto the screen. After each command, the system beeped and flashed a red error message:

  * * *

  > COMMUNICATION ARRAY ALIGNMENT: 0%

  > SIGNAL OFFLINE

  * * *

  Groaning, he buried his face into his folded arms.

  This is hopeless!

  Aligning thousands of Chatter drones in a variably charged atmosphere sucks major moonballs.

  But the worst part is being stuck up here all by myself.

  “Oh, darlin’! Don’t go gettin’ all depressed again. I’m sure you’ll find the solution in no time,” Mother’s voice assured him. “Keep tryin’!”

  “Uh-huh, sure,” Del whined. “I’ll just sit up here and twiddle my circuits while the rest of the crew is down there having another awesome adventure without me, risking their lives, saving each other…”

  “Now, you know you’re every bit as important as they are!” Mother said. “You’re just worried about your friends, and you’re frustrated over the puzzle in front of you. What can I get you to help stimulate the ole noggin? Want some melange tea?”

  Del plumped down into his chair and rubbed his eyes.

  “For this, I think I’ll need something, uh, a whole lot stronger,” he said.

  “I hear ya, honey! One thinkin’ cap, comin’ right up.”

  A hole appeared at the apex of the Bridge’s dome and a small-mouthed glass fishbowl descended at the end of a long flexible tube. Del sat upright and lowered his shoulders. As the bowl reached the console, its mouth widened, slid over his head, and closed snuggly around his neck. Within seconds, smoke started pouring in from the tube.

  “Feelin’ better yet?” Mother asked.

  “Shhhh!” he cried from inside the white cloud. “I’m cogitating!”

  Okay, so what problem am I trying to solve again?

  Uh, shit. I forgot…

  Wait! I remember now.

  I’ve deployed a thousand relay drones that, when properly aligned, can establish a Chatter signal through the Vos Praedean atmosphere and allow communication with Zee and the gang.

  But the stupid atmosphere is being bombarded by stupid solarwinds that keep flipping the stupid ionic charge of the stupid atmospheric particles every couple stupid seconds…

  He took a huge breath, closed his eyes, and clenched his throat to keep the smoke from escaping.

  Uh, this stuff is really nice. Very smooth. When this is over I should ask Mother which variety of canna
bis she’s pumping in here.

  Anyway, where was I? Oh, not again…

  The alignment! That’s the problem. Every combination of drones I chain together between here and the planet’s surface become instantly disrupted.

  No matter how fast I go, no matter how precise I am with my calculations, those damn ionic charges change and knock my whole chain to pieces.

  Maybe I could deploy a thousand more drones? No, that would just duplicate the problem.

  How can I force the chain to stabilize despite the ionic flux?

  What I need is for the drones to have both a negative and positive charge at the same time, but that’s impossible.

  He exhaled the lungful of smoke and relaxed his breathing. His body suit felt extra snug against his lanky frame. The wires that ran across his body tingled and the blinking diodes strung along them brightened. He sunk deeper into his comfy console chair.

  Is anything impossible?

  Maybe trying to stabilize against the ionic flux is the wrong approach.

  Rather than fighting the constant changes, what if I allowed the drones to alter their positions dynamically?

  “Go with the flow,” Del mumbled to himself.

  “What was that, dear?” Mother asked.

  “Uh, Mother, would it be possible to morph the drones’ hull structures to use amino acids?”

  “I don’t see why not. You could send a morph command and have the whole chain changed in a few seconds,” she said. “But amino acids wouldn’t allow you to control those darn things any better, honey. They’d still get knocked around like balloons in a hurricane.”

  Del tugged at the tube coming from the top of his head, and the smoke-filled glass bowl popped off. The apparatus slithered up into its hole in the ceiling.

  “That’s just it—I stop trying to control them.” He flew to his feet and started furiously tapping on the screen. “Amino acids are zwitterions, which means their molecular structure allows them to simultaneously hold a negative and a positive charge. If I connect the drones’ navigation controls directly to the three-dimensional tug of their zwitterion charge—”