For the Thrill of the Blunt

by Tom Sadira

  “They’ll align themselves!” Mother squealed with delight.

  “Well, uh, that’s my hypothesis. Probably way off. Anyway, let’s find out.” Del said, his finger poking the ‘SEND COMMAND’ button.

  The screen whizzed and beeped and displayed a mess of small blinking dots. Del held his breath as the dots started drifting toward one another. Slowly, with an almost organic finesse, they began lining up into a wiggly row. As the last dot slipped into place, the console dinged and displayed the message:

  * * *

  > COMMUNICATION ARRAY ALIGNMENT: 100%

  > SIGNAL ONLINE

  > CHATTER SYSTEM ONLINE

  * * *

  “You did it, honey! I just knew that you could!”

  Del caught the corners of his blue lips trying to creep upward and he quickly pressed them back into a discontented thin line.

  “Uh-huh. Well, let’s see if it even worked. I mean, it’s still a longshot. And even if we—”

  “Del!” Zylvya’s voice boomed from the console. “Can you hear me?”

  “Uh, yeah. You’re coming in loud and clear, Zee. Did you happen to find…?” Del swallowed, unable to finish the question.

  “I picked Swarm and Axo up hours ago. They’re missing a few parts, but otherwise, they’re just fine. They’re napping while I search for Charlie.”

  “Search for Charlie? Why not track the staff you gave him?”

  “Helwyr went bonkers, attacked Charlie, and chopped the damn thing in half. I haven’t been able to get anything more than a blurry reading. Well, until a few moments ago, when the signal started strengthening on a particular peak.”

  “So, uh, back in the toking room, all the blue fur…”

  “The other four Felonians. All dead,” she said. “That psycho left his own men to die. And I’m afraid that if he spots me swooping in to pick Charlie up, he’ll do something rash.”

  “Do you have a visual, Zee? Can you upload it to me?”

  There was a pause, then one side of the dome’s stellar view was replaced with a landscape of mountains and rain.

  “This is what I’m seeing. Multiple lifeforms up on that cliff. Looks like Charlie, Helwyr, and…shit, Del! The chocolate moose! They must be in some kind of triple standoff.”

  Del reverse-pinched his screen and the image zoomed in. The cliff was blurry, but visible. He swiped the image, and a few blotches of color appeared on the scene.

  “Holy shit, Zee…” Del brushed his greasy black hair away from his eyes and squinted. “I’ve turned on thermal, and there’s a fourth lifeform. It’s big. It’s right there with them…”

  “What the hell is it?”

  “Uh, well, I think it’s a, uh…”

  “Spit it out, Del!”

  “A sabertooth slug.”

  23

  “Toss the stick or I’ll put this arrow through your scrawny ape neck.”

  Charlie dropped the staff and raised his arms into the air. Beside him, the old white moose lumbered to his feet.

  “Oh, heeeey, Helwyr,” Charlie said with mock concern. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

  Helwyr snarled and pulled back on the black-feathered arrow. “The joke’s on you this time, Captain. There’s no river to catch you. Nowhere to run. I couldn’t believe my eye when I saw you emerge from that cave riding on top of that…beast. Both of my trophies handed to me on a silver platter? Impossible!”

  The heavy rain acted like a dull, gray curtain cutting them off from the rest of the world. Still, Charlie scanned the clouds for any sign of a seed-shaped vessel.

  Goddamn rain! Zee’s gotta be nearby, and we couldn’t be any more out in the open. If I can stall long enough for her to find us…

  “How bout this weather, huh?” Charlie tried to sound casual. “Not really ideal for hunting, is it? We should probably find a nice, dry cave and wait it out.”

  “Don’t you see now, Captain? Your pathetic attempts at distracting me have failed.” Helwyr hopped down from the boulder, his arrow never straying from Charlie. His fur was thick with mud and matted in several places, and his eye burned like a hot blue torch. “Yes! How fitting that I should slay you—the incarnation of weakness—alongside that infernal beast. This moment is glorious vindication! This moment is proof that all the sacrifices I’ve made have pleased Leonid.”

  “Whooooa, man. My crew, your apprentices, their families aboard the Starseed—they’re all just sacrifices? I’m no psychologist, but I think you may need to reevaluate your priorities. Go on, take your time. We’ll wait while you sort things out.”

  “The only thing that needs prioritizing is deciding which of you to kill first,” Helwyr said, sweeping his arrow back and forth between his targets.

  He stopped and flashed his fangs in a demented grin. “Since the two of you seem like such good friends, I’ll let you work it out amongst yourself. A few steps behind you is a cliff. I’m giving one of you the option to jump and experience a quick death on the rocks below. Whoever remains with me will experience the slow, excruciating death of a coward. It’s your choice.”

  Through the constant splatter of rain on rock, Charlie could hear the moose’s knobby knees knocking together.

  “Hold steady, dude!” Charlie said. “He’s fucking with our heads. He knows he can’t hit shit in this rain, so he’s trying to get us to do his dirty work for him.”

  “Is that so, Captain?”

  There was a twang, a swoosh, and the moose yelped. An arrow stuck out just above his hind leg, which trembled and struggled to hold his weight.

  Charlie whipped his head back to Helwyr—who had already strung another arrow in his bow—and opened his mouth to speak, but something about the landscape made him pause. Had Helwyr taken a few steps back toward the pile of boulders? Or had one of them rolled forward?

  “I suppose there is a special third option, reserved for a pair of cowards like the two of you,” Helwyr growled. “You’ll die slowly, watching me pull your intestines out, inch by inch, scream by scream.”

  Charlie clenched his stomach and glanced over his shoulder at the cliff.

  A ten-second fall through the rain doesn’t sound so bad after all.

  No, fuck that. Fuck this guy. I’m not going down without a fight.

  Sure, he may be twice my size…and ten times as strong…and armed.

  Goddamnit, Zee, where the hell are you?

  A clap of thunder exploded above them and brought Charlie’s attention back to Helwyr. Again, the boulder had moved itself within a couple feet of the Felonian. There was a flash of lightning, and for a split second Charlie got a glimpse of two thin appendages sprouting from the elephant-sized rock.

  One more dumb stoner ramble should do the trick.

  He let the thunder roll away, dropped his arms, and smirked. “Hey, dipshit! Don’t you think you enjoy all that ‘I’m gonna rip your guts out’ stuff just a little too much? What happened, man? Did your mommy not give you enough love when you were just a runty little kitten? Huh? Or were you just born an evil cat turd?”

  “Enough games! Enough talking!” Helwyr shouted through the rain. “As I send your soul to the altar of Leonid, tell him that I, Helwyr, heir to the Kini dynasty, glory of Felonia, have never strayed from the path!” He pulled back the arrow and took aim.

  “Why don’t you tell him yourself, man?” Charlie flicked his eyes over Helwyr’s shoulder.

  The Felonian swiveled one ear, then the other. His good eye widened. Without lowering the bow, he turned his head just in time to see the circular row of gray teeth fall upon him.

  Charlie watched as the sabertooth slug undulated and writhed on the spot where Helwyr had just stood. Through the downpour he heard the faint crunch of bones and the wet squish of flesh being chewed.

  Almost as quickly as it had begun, it was over. The gigantic mollusk belched, blowing a foul gust of wind at Charlie and the moose.

  “It’s fate, little ape! My dreams are true! Death has come for me!
”

  “No way, man! Zee will be here any minute!” He wasn’t sure whether he was lying to the moose, or to himself.

  The moose’s hind legs faltered, but it stayed upright. Charlie looked around the cliff for something they could use, some mode of escape—but they were just as trapped as they’d been a moment earlier. Worst of all, he knew his jokes and taunts wouldn’t be able to buy them any time.

  The sabertooth slug slowly, soundlessly, slid across the plateau. Charlie and the moose were able to retreat just one step before reaching the edge of the cliff.

  His heart sank as he locked eyes with the moose—it had come so far and lost so much. It deserved better.

  If it hadn’t been for Charlie’s stupidity—his trust in that snaky bitch, Nadia; his mistrust in Mother and his crew; his insistence on coming to Vos Praeda; his craving for meat; his desire to be taken seriously as captain—none of this would have happened. The moose would be safe in its network of caves and underground rivers.

  The last chocolate moose in the whole galaxy.

  Axolotl and Swarm.

  Fyz, Nipzi, Rhys, Shmek, and even that evil cat turd, Helwyr.

  All gone.

  In a few seconds, I’ll be gone, too…

  He noticed his last blunt was still in the moose’s lips. A green light bulb came to life over his sopping wet afro.

  My Golden Ticket let me see the Reptilian laser net.

  It blew up Zee’s lab.

  It was able to heal the THC tube.

  Something tells me it might be capable of more than just winning the Cannabis Cup.

  The slug stopped a couple yards away and lifted its front half into the air, displaying its open mouth. Little tufts of blue fur, and at least one leather strap, were wedged between its concentric circles of teeth.

  In one smooth motion, Charlie snatched what was left of the blunt and tossed it into the slug’s open mouth.

  The beast coughed and roared. It wiggled and jerked. After it settled down, it extended its spherical eyes—which were now completely bloodshot and wild—high into the air. Buckets of mucousy drool dangled in thick strands from its mouth.

  “Why did you do that?” The moose sighed. “Now it looks hungrier than ever!”

  “I, uh, thought it might…” Charlie trailed off, disgusted that he’d somehow managed to make the situation worse.

  The slug advanced. Charlie threw an arm over the moose’s neck, leaned his forehead against the wet white fur, and closed his eyes.

  “Sorry, man. Sorry for coming here in the first place, and then for getting your hopes up. Dude, if I’d known—”

  He was cut off by a tumultuous roar so intense he could feel it as much as hear it. Charlie looked up, thinking a storm cloud must have exploded overhead.

  A mildewy breeze rushed over him and made his nose retreat into his face. The thunderous gale hadn’t come from the sky, it had come from the creature that was poised to devour him.

  The slug’s head plopped sideways onto the flat, rocky plateau. Something like steam began wafting off its skin. It screamed out again, this time more sharp and agonized. Its glistening eye stalks twisted and flailed and beat against each other. Gray froth bubbled up from all around it. Thin cracks appeared along the surface of its body and began weeping runny, foamy liquid.

  Charlie and the moose exchanged a confused look, then turned back to the simmering slug.

  “Was it your magic smoke stick?” the moose asked.

  “I don’t think so,” Charlie said, licking his lips. He collected some rain in his cupped hands, sipped, then spat it out. “Salt. The goddamn rain is saturated with salt, man!”

  “You’re right!” The moose stuck out his tongue. “And it’s irritating the toothy slimebeast.”

  “Hell, it’s doing more than irritating the sonofabitch. Look at the thing—it’s melting!”

  Shaking violently, the slug flipped onto its back and exhaled a wet, muffled belch. Froth erupted from its upturned mouth, spilling out across the ground and carrying with it tufts of bloody blue fur.

  It stopped bellowing and went completely still. Charlie watched as the thing seemed to shrink right before his eyes. It was melting, turning inside out, dissolving into slime.

  “A miracle!” the moose declared. “Death has come, but not to claim us!”

  Helwyr had been turned to pulp, and the sabertooth slug was nothing more than a sheen of slime pouring over the edge of the cliff.

  But Charlie had made it. Against all odds, against all calculations, he’d survived Vos Praeda.

  Exhaustion caught up with him and his body went limp. Despite the downpour, his throat was parched and his lips stung. His stomach felt emptier than it had during his year living off junk food in the mountains of California.

  Wonder if Martha will have an egg ready for me when I get back to the Starseed?

  The Starseed!

  I’m going home.

  Charlie shook his head and managed a tilted grin. He couldn’t deny how he felt. In just the few days he’d spent there, the Starseed already felt more like home than Earth.

  Well, that’s if Zee gets her sweet applewood ass down here and picks us up before another one of those goddamn slugs finds us!

  He sighed and threw both arms around the moose’s neck.

  “We made it, man. WE MADE IT!”

  As he clung to the broad, white neck, something moving across the horizon caught his eye. It was a tiny, seed-shaped speck, and it seemed to grow larger by the second.

  “She’s here! She’s on her way!” he shouted in the rain. “We’re going home!”

  He let the moose go and they spun to face the approaching pod.

  Time turned to sludge, yet it rushed forward so quickly that Charlie could barely process what was happening.

  As the moose turned to face the approaching ship, its hind legs buckled. Panicking, its front legs kicked wildly at the rocky surface, scrambling to compensate. Every time a hoof met the ground it slipped on the oily slug guts and shot away from its center of gravity.

  Knobby knees clacked together.

  Antlers reared backward.

  Strands of white fur flapped wildly in all directions.

  A pair of tired, old eyes locked onto Charlie’s as the galaxy’s last chocolate moose disappeared over the edge of the cliff.

  24

  Charlie meandered through the arched corridors of the Starseed’s Circuit. He was late, but shrugged it off without a second thought. Arriving late for important events—and not giving a shit—was another finely honed skill he’d mastered back in college.

  Every step on the smooth green marble sent a shiver up his spine. The vine-covered walls exploded with sweet-smelling, colorful fruits and flowers. A bizarre parade of aliens hustled and bustled all around him. Charlie wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and took a deep breath. Everything was so wonderfully non-lethal.

  Even though he purposely avoided the white aura of the ship’s Augmented Instinctual Guidance system, it kept reappearing brighter around every corner. It was as if the Starseed was leading him to the banquet hall despite every effort he made to avoid it. He couldn’t put his finger on why he was avoiding his duty as captain. It wasn’t as if he didn’t feel physically up for it. In fact, despite being starved, dehydrated, burned, and broken, he felt pretty damn good.

  As soon as Zylvya’s pod had docked in the Transit Bay, he’d been toked directly to his bed. Mother showered him with food, drink, and affection until he passed out cradling his purple bong, Little Willie. Many, many hours later, he woke and discovered some welcome changes to himself and his quarters.

  First, his foot had been completely restored. After gawking at his unswollen brown toes, he’d cautiously pulled his foot up to his chest and stroked it—then burst into laughter. There was no residual aching in the mended bones, no tenderness of healed tissue. It felt as intact as it had before he’d left for Vos Praeda.

  His hands, too, had been miraculously heale
d. Their skin was smooth and scar-free as if they’d never been plunged into a roaring bonfire.

  There was no hint of woodsmoke lingering on his body, and every nook and cranny of skin was completely free of dirt, sweat, and fermented moose urine. His afro was fresh and spongy. His body felt revitalized and relaxed.

  Propped up on the nightstand was a thin, rectangular device with a moss-colored cover and a cannabis leaf embossed on the front. As soon as he held it in his hand, he recognized it. He flipped the Kindle Paperwhite open, saw that its battery was full, and smiled.

  On the wall across from his bed hung both halves of the broken staff. They were mounted askew on a simple wooden panel, as if the thing were in mid-snap. Below them, four words were intricately carved:

  ALWAYS READ THE MANUAL

  After dressing, Mother explained that he was expected to attend a celebratory meal with the families of the dead Felonians.

  “What the hell do you mean celebratory?!” Charlie snapped. “Fuck those guys. They were a bunch of sadistic psychopaths who deserved what they got.”

  “That might be true from where you’re sittin’, honey. But they were something quite different to their people, to the wives and children they left behind.”

  Charlie remembered the fireside spat between Shmek and Rhys and the cubs they were both expecting. Shaking off the guilt, he doubled down on his stance.

  “If those jerks were so important to their families, why’d they risk everything on Vos Praeda?” Charlie asked smugly. “As far as I’m concerned, man, by betraying me and the Starseed, they betrayed their families.”

  Mother sighed and her voice drew nearer. “Charlie, dear, I know they did you wrong, but try to put your bitterness aside for a moment. It’s unfortunate that they made such awful mistakes in judgement—but I would think that perhaps, by now, you could relate.”

  Ouch. Direct hit.

  Charlie’s spine went limp as he slipped on his shoes.

  “Their stories didn’t start the moment they met you, darlin’. The Felonians built an advanced civilization, and as the Reptilians swept across the galaxy, they fought valiantly,” Mother said. “Helwyr, before becoming a ‘sadistic psychopath’, as you so gently put it, spent years risking his tail to give Felonian refugees a chance at a new life. To them, he’ll always be a hero.”