The Resolution for Men

  So as we pull up a seat to His table as a member of His family, we must line up our lives with the unity that is already in God, “being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).

  Yet we often sin, hurt others, and leave a trail of wounded lives behind us. When we withhold forgiveness for others’ sin, we keep relationships broken that could thrive again. But reconciliation is so important to God, He sent Jesus “to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross” (Colossians 1:20). Through our repentance and faith in Him, we are reconciled to God and forgiven fully of our sins. “Having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1).

  His death brings reconciliation.

  His grace brings peace.

  And now, as recipients of this amazing redemption to become men miraculously living at peace with God, He calls us to join in the amazing work of helping others be reconciled to God as well. We are “ambassadors for Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:20), charged with declaring through our words and our lives that “God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them” (2 Corinthians 5:19).

  But how do we best do that? And how do we do it at all unless we do the hard work of reconciling our own relationships with others—with our spouse, with our parents, with our children, with distant relatives, with discarded friends, even with bitter enemies?

  We need to become experts at learning how to quickly work through issues. Courageous during conflict. Dead to ourselves. Hard to offend and quick to forgive. We must quickly humble ourselves and apologize when we stumble. An apology does not demonstrate weakness but incredible maturity and strength. We should never let pride get in the way of doing the right thing.

  In order for us to do this, however, God needs us to be at a place where we have no hatred toward another person and no anger still festering in our hearts. Peacemakers at peace. No bitterness with anyone, and no one who has reason to stay bitter with us.

  To be a reconciler is our calling as Christian men. To actually live it out calls for men of resolution.

  Everyday Forgiveness

  The first part of this resolution is to fully embrace the power of forgiveness, to be sure that no “root of bitterness” has lodged in your heart against anyone (Hebrews 12:15). Is there anyone who has wronged you in the past that you have not fully forgiven?

  Anyone?

  When we don’t forgive, we throw other people into a debtor’s prison inside our hearts. It’s like we’re saying, “You wronged me, so I’m going to stay angry with you until you pay for what you’ve done.” But when Jesus was teaching His disciples how to pray mountain-moving, powerful prayers, He said, “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions” (Mark 11:25).

  Did you see that? He said to forgive “anything against anyone.” He wants absolutely no bitterness in us, nor does He want our obedience to be dependent upon someone else’s. Others may or may not repent of what they’ve done, and we don’t need to keep anger hanging in a holding pattern until they do. Sometimes your offender may already be dead, meaning you’ll never get the apology you always wished you could hear. But God doesn’t want their past sins holding you back in the present. He wants you to go ahead and forgive and let Him deal with them in His own wise way. It may seem wrong or unfair to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it and hasn’t asked for it, but there are many vital reasons for doing so.

  Strong relationships and marriages don’t happen because people never hurt each other. They happen because the people involved keep on forgiving. It’s impossible to go through life without getting hurt by someone at some point. Jesus said, “Offenses must come” (Matthew 18:7 NKJV). But God in His mercy has set up this amazing thing called forgiveness—the escape route for getting out of our own prisons of bitterness to restore broken relationships with others. We forgive not “up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22).

  We must never stop forgiving. We may get angry and then confront. But the very day we stop forgiving is the day we poison a relationship and ourselves. If we are not careful, one wrong can derail us.

  God sees each day as its own unique package. At creation, for example, He finished each thing He did in a day. His Word says not to “worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). Jesus’ model prayer is a daily prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread” (Matthew 6:11).

  So as we are praying to “our Father in heaven” each day, we are also asking Him to “forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12)—every day. When we refuse to do this on any given day, then both the guilt from our own sins as well as bitterness against others’ sins begins to slither in like a snake and inject venom into our lives.

  God’s mercies are “new every morning” (Lamentations 3:23)—and so should ours be. He wants us to deal with our junk quickly, keep short accounts, and then move on. But when we go to bed angry and carry it into the next day, a bitter root springs up and grows in us—unfulfilled revenge that tries to punish another with our anger. Any time we close our days without clearing our emotional accounts, things turn sour.

  Have you forgiven someone . . . today?

  The Fruit of Unforgiveness

  Many bitter fruits come from a bitter root. Ephesians 4:26–31 opens with the appeal not to “let the sun go down on your anger. Do not give the devil an opportunity.”

  Then it goes on to list the horrible things bitterness is able to produce in our lives.

  Opportunities for the Devil (Ephesians 4:26–27). Jesus said the thief comes to “steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10), and this is exactly what the Devil does in our lives when we give him a foothold. He tries to steal our faith and leave us with fear, steal our joy and leave us with depression, steal our love and leave us with hateful thoughts toward others. The name Satan means “accuser.” And by accusing others in our minds, he causes us to dwell on their wrongs, filling in the unknowns with negative assumptions, keeping us focused on how we’ve been mistreated and unappreciated. He feeds us what we want to hear with one hand, then takes from us the peace that is rightly ours with the other.

  Unwholesome speech (Ephesians 4:29). It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about; bitter people will bring up the person they are angry with and start verbally running them down. If you are talking to a bitter person, be careful that their venom against others doesn’t poison you.

  Grieving the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30). Our anger grieves God’s Spirit, not only producing bitter fruit but quenching the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. Rather than operating with love, joy, and peace toward others, a bitter person becomes hateful, negative, and restless, closing off his heart toward others. Bitter people become very unlike themselves. The most loving and joyful people in the world can become hateful, irrational pessimists if they let bitterness take root and don’t forgive.

  Believe it or not, bitterness even hurts us physically. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). The tension of trying to contain it can harden our facial features and make us lose the radiance of our countenance, even causing a chemical imbalance in our bodies and lowering our resistance to disease.

  Emotionally, socially, and of course spiritually, bitterness depresses and contaminates us. It dries up our fellowship with God so we become like barren, deserted land. God feels far away. Our time in worship and in His Word becomes powerless and joyless. Our prayers feel weak and ineffective. Jesus said, “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:15).

  It has been wisely said: “Bitterness does more damage in the life where it is stored than the one on whom it is poured.”

  The clear conclusion to all of t
his is that we must forgive! If we are going to obey God and be like His Son—we must forgive. If we want to get the poison out of our lives and keep our marriages and relationships strong—we must forgive. If we don’t teach our children to forgive, then they won’t forgive us when we fail. If we want to help others walk in unity and love, we must set the example first ourselves. Or else.

  “I Will Forgive Those Who Have Wronged Me”

  God alone is ultimately the judge over a person’s sinful actions, not us. He alone knows their background, their baggage, and their upbringing. He alone knows the details concerning what they were thinking and what their motives were at the very moment they wronged us. More important, He alone knows the perfect judgment for that person, and He is the only One qualified to carry it out.

  So when we get bitter, we are actually stepping into the place of God on the judgment seat. We are making assumptions as to what happened and why someone did something. Then we are determining to punish them ourselves—by throwing them in the prison of our angry hearts. But when we do, we don’t really hurt that person at all. We only hurt ourselves further and bring truckloads of unwanted consequences into our lives. We are saying in essence, “To get you back for hurting me, I’m going to hurt myself even more!”

  But a bitter heart doesn’t see it that way. “If I forgive,” some say, “it means that what they did to me was all right. If I forgive, they’ll be getting away with the wrongs they’ve done to me.”

  Not true. The very fact that their offense requires your forgiveness indicates that what they did was wrong. That’s the whole point. Forgiveness is pardoning a legitimate debt that is owed. Your forgiveness will not release them from the consequences of their sin. But it will release you from the burden, weight, and pain of having to worry about holding them accountable yourself for their sins. That’s God’s job. He’s on it. And by forgiving, you get to heal and move on.

  Nobody’s saying this is easy. It’s not. Pastors, psychologists, and counselors will tell you that getting someone to forgive is one of the most difficult challenges of all. Even after discovering the many reasons why forgiveness is so vital, some people still refuse to do it. Maybe one of those people is you.

  “I’ve been hurt too deeply!” you may say. Well, was it worse than what your sin did to Jesus? Do you realize how deeply He suffered because of you? Yet He still forgives. The deeper the hurt, the more God will give you grace to help you handle it and stop the bitterness.

  “I don’t need to forgive. It happened too long ago. I’ve moved on.” Then why do the angry emotions come back when you remember it? If you didn’t consciously forgive, you may have just mowed over the weeds without pulling up bitterness by the roots.

  “That person doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!” You’re right. No one does. Forgiveness is a gift. That’s why one of the greatest demonstrations of God’s love for us is that He completely forgives us even though we didn’t earn it and don’t deserve it.

  “I just can’t do it. I’m not able to forgive.” Again, you’re right. You can’t do it without God’s help. But you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13), and He is the One “who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13), giving you the desire and power to do what is right. Forgiveness is something that comes from the heart of a merciful God. He designed it, extends it, and commands us to share it with others. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).

  So don’t look for reasons why you shouldn’t. Look for reasons why you should.

  How do you forgive?

  1. Let it go. Forgive the same way Jesus forgives: freely and willingly. Acknowledge God as the rightful Judge over that persons’ life—the One who has told us, “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

  2. Give it up. Ask God to forgive you for refusing to forgive those who have hurt you. Ask Him to cleanse and release you and to take back any ground or foothold the Devil has claimed in your heart.

  3. Just do it. Forgive deeply “from your heart” (Matthew 18:35). Face it head on, then prayerfully and intentionally tackle it. Choose to say, “I fully forgive them, God! I’m releasing them completely! I’m turning all the judgment, anger, and vengeance over to You!” And God, who knows exactly what happened, knows exactly what the issues are, and knows exactly how much wrath or mercy to show them, will provide all the vengeance necessary. But don’t keep putting it off. What’s stopping you from forgiving right now?

  Forgiveness doesn’t mean not confronting others about what they’ve done. You may still find it necessary and appropriate to go to that person and share what happened, trying to “show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matthew 18:15). You may need to wisely set up some boundaries and accountability to keep this person from doing it again—both for their good and yours. But regardless, you need to completely forgive on your end. Confront them as one who has already forgiven, not as a bitter judge.

  Then finally, walk each day in perpetual forgiveness. You can forgive someone on Monday, think about the hurt again on Tuesday, go to bed angry on Wednesday, and be bitter by Thursday morning. So watch out!

  When true forgiveness takes place, you’ll begin to experience a clear breakthrough. You will feel a weight drop off your shoulders. The anger will turn to compassion. Instead of hating them, you will feel sorry for them and what they have done, but you won’t still be angry about it. Your walk with the Lord and joy as a Christian will go to a fresh new level. Someone has said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free . . . and discover that the prisoner was you.” We don’t lose anything when we forgive. We gain back our lives.

  “I Will Reconcile with Those I Have Wronged”

  The second part of the forgiveness resolution—in addition to forgiving those who have wronged you—is to “reconcile with those I have wronged.” Our natural tendency is to be so preoccupied with wrongs others have done against us, we then minimize, rationalize, and deny our sins against God. We become embittered at how He has allowed us to suffer at others’ hands, rarely considering how others have suffered at ours.

  But when you have mistreated another person or mishandled a relationship, you are the one causing them to go through all the pain and heartache we’ve been discussing so far in this chapter. You are the one leading them toward a pit of bitterness. Plus, your vertical relationship with God is directly affected by the unhealthy condition of your horizontal relationships with people you’ve offended.

  That’s why Jesus explained:

  If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. (Matthew 6:23–24)

  Regardless of how he or she receives your apology, you are still responsible to humbly apologize for anything you have done wrong.

  “If possible,” the apostle Paul said, “so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18). And this often means being willing to man up and confess the sins you’ve committed toward others.

  Our defense mechanism is to resist this and to cover things up. There are three things we men do to conceal our sin. First, we deny or hide our involvement in something wrong. Then, if caught, we admit our actions but deny that it was wrong. Third, if we admit it was wrong, we then blame others for what we have done.

  That’s us. Sinful, human, self-centered, self-defensive men.

  But regardless of our rationale, any refusal to confess the wrongs we’ve committed only displeases God and hurts us further. King David wrote:

  When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon m
e; my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. (Psalm 32:3–4)

  Any unconfessed sin will continue to trip us up and prevent us from moving forward in life. It causes situations to get more tangled and complex—only harder to unravel later on. “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13 NKJV).

  You will never reconcile with your past by sweeping your own mistakes under the rug but by taking full responsibility for them.

  When the tax collector Zacchaeus met Jesus Christ, the experience changed his life completely. His initial reaction was to go back and make things right with those he had wronged. He said, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount” (Luke 19:8 NIV). What a powerful apology! That’s genuine, courageous faith!

  Imagine if a government tax employee showed up at your door and said, “My life was changed through a relationship with Jesus Christ, and God has convicted me of how wrongly I mistreated you. I’m here today to apologize for what I’ve done and to pay back what I’ve cheated from you. Will you forgive me?” It would astound you.

  So if Zacchaeus could travel through time and step into your shoes, to whom would he go and apologize on your behalf?

  God begins to work in mighty ways when men humble themselves and do the right thing. Like Zacchaeus, we need to get things right with those we have wronged—financially, morally, emotionally, spiritually. Paying debts, making restitution, bringing healing. Why? Because we serve a mighty God who is worthy of our best. And we represent Him with our lives and our integrity. We cannot walk closely with Him and have anything to share with others until we have a clear conscience. We must get things right “before God and before men” (Acts 24:16). Not clearing our conscience can “shipwreck” our faith (1 Timothy 1:19).