The Resolution for Men

  The consequences of admitting failure and apologizing only last for a few minutes, but the benefits are lifelong and unending—freedom, joy, friendship, peace, integrity. Just plug the Golden Rule into your situation. Don’t you wish the people who wronged you in the past would get right with God and apologize to you?

  Keep these few things in mind as you go about mending the bridges you’ve burned:

  First, pray beforehand for the humility, the words, and the favor of the other person. Pray for them to have compassion and mercy. If there is any insensitivity or pride in you, they will tend to resist your words.

  Second, focus on their pain, and don’t blame. Your apology is not about what guilt has done to you or what they have also done wrong. It’s about what your sin has done to them. Others are more willing to forgive and move on if they know you have considered their pain a real offense.

  Third, make it up to them. Giving some type of gift can be significant in communicating that you value them. “A gift given in secret soothes anger,” the Bible says (Proverbs 21:14 NIV)—not in manipulating, but in letting the person see some tangible proof of your sorrow and desire not to do this again.

  Most people receive an apology with mercy and open arms, but some are unresponsive. And you must be patient. They may need time to process what’s just happened. They may need to see more of a track record from you before they’re ready to rebuild trust. You cannot force another’s forgiveness. But you can give them as much space and time as they need to respond, and you can stay close to God every day, asking Him to enable you to build a new, consistent pattern of faithfulness and honor.

  God blesses those who hunger and thirst to be right with Him and with others. Relationships often become stronger than ever, in fact, after an apology and forgiveness have taken place. We as men must lead the way and show our families what it looks like to be bridge builders, wound healers, and relationship restorers. Our God is worthy of this! And life is too short not to do it.

  Is there anyone who has hurt you that you need to forgive today? Then do so. Is there anyone from your past who can say you wronged them and never made it right? If so, start asking God to prepare the way and prepare their heart for you to square things.

  Forgive. Release. Apologize. Repent. And “may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you” (2 Thessalonians 3:16).

  COURAGEOUS CHALLENGE

  Write out a list of names of those who have hurt you in the past, and forgive each of them just as Christ has forgiven you. Mark off their names one by one.

  MEMORY VERSE

  Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. (Romans 12:17–18)

  Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have walked in my integrity. I have also trusted in the LORD; I shall not slip. Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my mind and my heart. For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes, and I have walked in Your truth.

  Psalm 26:1–3 (NKJV)

  CHAPTER 13

  RESOLVE TO LIVE WITH INTEGRITY

  I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God.

  Failure is a powerful teacher. It’s always better to learn from counsel or someone else’s mistakes, but the reality is, we are all going to “stumble in many ways” throughout our lives (James 3:2). And how we respond when it happens is the real test, for those responses to failure will either make us stronger or further damage our relationship with others and with God.

  A wise man learns quickly from his errors and adjusts his path to get back on track. He tries to fail forward, becoming wiser after each mistake and taking intentional steps to avoid stumbling into the same ditch twice. A foolish man, however, fails backward, refusing to learn, continually wasting his experiences. He follows his own footprints into yesterday’s traps and gets entangled in them all over again. “Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly” (Proverbs 26:11).

  So if we are going to live with integrity, we must tune our ears to both the lessons of our own life and the wisdom of others. We must humble ourselves, admit we don’t have it all together, and then ask God to give us wisdom each day to make the best decisions possible. When we do, He promises He will pour it on us “generously” and not make us feel foolish for asking (James 1:5).

  Whether it’s fighting off an unhealthy habit, seeking marriage counseling, or requesting direction concerning our finances, we should never be afraid to ask for help from others. Everyone needs it. And victory comes to those with many advisors (Proverbs 24:6).

  When you look at your life, what do you see? Do you see a history of lessons learned or failures repeated? Do you see a man who listens to instruction or resists rebuke? We should develop the mind-set each time we fail that once is more than enough and then quickly adjust our course in order not to relive the wreckage.

  “I Will Repent of My Sins”

  One of the evidences of true Christians is their war against sin and their sincere repentance from it. Men who are living in perpetual repentance are the ones God uses with much greater spiritual effectiveness.

  But where learning from mistakes requires a change of mind-set, repenting of sins requires a change of heart. All believers in Christ should become master repenters. We are naturally good at sinning, but we need to get even better at repenting.

  Repentance is transformational. It can mark the difference between heaven or hell, joy or sorrow, victory or defeat.

  To repent basically means to turn away from sin and turn back to God. From self-rule to Christ-rule. From darkness to light. It’s putting God first in your life and removing anything that keeps you from walking intimately with Him. It’s conviction leading to confession, which brings cleansing leading to communion.

  It’s a clear change of direction.

  When God’s prophets in the Old Testament showed up in a city, they called the people to repent. Nobody liked it, but everybody needed it—God’s mercy packaged as a painful warning. Those who listened and turned back to God found great favor, grace, and blessing. But those who didn’t repent watched God keep His promise to send the painful and often catastrophic wages of their sin.

  Hundreds of years later, John the Baptist—and then Jesus after him—continued to preach the same message: “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matthew 4:17). And those who turned from their sin and turned to the Savior found salvation, healing, and peace with God.

  This message has not changed. Believe it or not, until the judgment seat of Christ, God’s call for men to “repent” (Revelation 2:5; 16:11) remains the message all men need to hear.

  God is now declaring to men that all people everywhere should repent, because He has fixed a day in which He will judge the world in righteousness. (Acts 17:30–31)

  Repentance is an incredible opportunity often misinterpreted as an inconvenient obstacle. On the front end, people fight repentance because it exposes the ugliness of their sin and forces them to deal with it. But on the back end, repentance leads to life, joy, and peace with God and others. This hard pill to swallow is actually the very remedy we need for a sick soul.

  Everything good you are wanting God to do in your life is on the other side of repentance. Repentance leads to breakthrough. It brings the prodigal home. It unlocks the restoration of marriages. It opens the windows and lets in fresh air. Repentance takes you from bondage to freedom. From hardheartedness to tenderness. Distance to intimacy. Languishing to love. It is a gift from God, and you should receive it with gratefulness. It’s the Holy Spirit saying to you, “I love you. I want to answer your prayers and greatly use you. But before I do, we need to deal with this first.”

  This is the point when you either resist Him or agree with Him, when you find out just how badly you want Him to cleanse you from your sin and change you completely.

  But why does God kee
p requiring this of us? Why must walking in repentance become such an ongoing practice for a follower of Christ? Why so much, and why so often?

  It goes back to our misunderstanding of sin.

  The DNA of Sin

  If you were to look at sin under a microscope, you’d discover that at its cell level, sin is the rejection of God in our hearts. It is the denial of His character, authority, and control over our lives.

  Lying is not wrong just because it ruins our trust but because God is truth and never lies. It is the betrayal of who He is. Murder not only stops a beating heart but is contrary to the One who is life and love and made us in His image. Sexual immorality is not wrong simply because it leads to heartache, unwanted pregnancy, and disease but because God is holy and calls us all to lovingly reflect His faithfulness and purity.

  This is the real reason why sin falls short of bringing God the “glory” He is due (Romans 3:23). Instead of revealing the awesomeness of His attributes through our obedience, sin denies the very nature and beauty of God. The love of God is denied when a man cheats on his wife. The patience of God is rejected when a father is easily angered and verbally abuses his kids. Instead of living as though God is holy and the most important aspect of our lives, our sin communicates that He is actually not that important and should not be taken seriously . . . which is a lie. Every instance of murder, adultery, abuse, divorce, deceit, and theft can be tracked back to the presence of sin, where there should have been kindness, respect, patience, and love.

  This is ultimately why sin has such major consequences. This is why “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). Sin can be pleasurable for a few minutes, but it leaves us with a long-term list of major problems:

  Spiritually—sin separates us from God and makes us His enemies (Colossians 1:21–22)

  Emotionally—sin brings anger, bitterness, fear, worry, and guilt (Proverbs 10:19–20)

  Morally—sin makes worthless things seem valuable in our lives, and vice versa (Proverbs 5:8–14)

  Personally—sin enslaves and destroys us (John 8:34)

  Ministerially—sin can disqualify us from effective service to God (1 Corinthians 9:27)

  Internally—sin poisons our hearts so we quit loving others (2 Timothy 3:2–4)

  Relationally—sin brings brokenness and pain to our relationships (Proverbs 14:34)

  Historically—sin caused the Son of God to die a brutal death for us (Romans 5:8)

  Eternally—sin offends God and makes us wholly unfit for heaven (Matthew 13:40–43)

  Sometimes we tend to describe sin as only the big stuff—murder, rape, adultery, prostitution, homosexuality, or abortion. But sin is much more than that. We are all sinners. Sin includes our everyday struggles with pride, self-righteousness, greed, anger, bitterness, materialism, lust, and lies—even those times when we just don’t do what we’re supposed to do. We need to view sin—all sin, our sin—the way God views it. Foul. Dirty. Hateful. Dark. Unholy. Ungodly. Unclean. Filthy. Spiritual leprosy that must be cleansed.

  When God calls us to repentance, He’s not trying to make our lives harder than they already are. He is lovingly looking down on our pride, perversion, and resistance to obey, and seeing vile offenses that are utterly corrosive to us. He says, “Stop! Turn around and come to Me. Let Me meet your needs and satisfy you in ways your sin never can. Be set free from what’s holding you back so you can move on to better, higher things!”

  Then Satan gives us false warnings: Don’t you realize God is trying to take away your fun?

  But in response the Holy Spirit wields the sword of God’s Word and reveals how He “richly supplies us with all things to enjoy” (1 Timothy 6:17). He shows us in creation that He is the maker of beauty, of friendships, of children’s laughter, of the wonder of love—even of our capacity to enjoy each of these.

  Satan retorts, “But God is trying to limit your freedom!” Yet the Devil fails to tell you that sin is actually what enslaves you. He doesn’t want you to realize that “if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36), and that God’s commands actually protect your freedom.

  “God is trying to make your life boring!” he continues. But the voice of Jesus rises up and says, “I came that [you] may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10).

  “No, God is going to make you so unhappy!”

  And the Word of God slashes back with, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, and peace” (Galatians 5:22). It is at this point that you must decide whom you are going to trust and what you are going to do. You must choose.

  “Do it later!” the Devil finally offers. But delay is only extended disobedience.

  God’s Word rises up in power and says, “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded” (James 4:7–8).

  That’s the only way to deal with sin—to see it for the gross wretchedness it is and see God as the holy cure to your weakness and discouragement. To agree with God that what He says is wrong in His eyes is also wrong for you too.

  “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). And when we do, He rushes peace and freedom into our hearts as the power of Christ not only removes our sins but the guilt too, setting us up for healing, freedom, and future service.

  Repentance is a beautiful, violent assault on sin.

  It puts Christ back in the driver’s seat where He belongs.

  Truly Repentant

  If you are not careful when dealing with repentance, however, you may only be doing it halfheartedly. Compare the confessions of King Saul (1 Samuel 15:10–35) and King David (2 Samuel 12:7–15; Psalm 51) to discover the vivid difference between false and true repentance.

  Saul only confessed what was exposed; David confessed completely.

  Saul blamed others for his mistakes; David took responsibility on himself.

  Saul misunderstood the consequences; David knew he had gotten what he deserved.

  Saul’s regret resulted in disobedience; David’s sincerity led to humble service.

  Saul’s life ended in shame and tragedy; David’s ended with glory and honor to God.

  In the New Testament, we see Judas betray Jesus, and Peter deny Jesus. Yet their responses to these failures were completely different. Judas had a change of mind, while Peter had a change of heart. Judas regretted what he had done and went out and hanged himself. Peter repented from what he had done and lived the rest of his life in passionate obedience to God.

  The apostle Paul wrote a great explanation of what true repentance looks like. He had written earlier to rebuke the Corinthian church for their immorality, telling them to repent. Then after learning of their obedient response, he wrote the following words in a follow-up letter:

  I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourselves, such indignation, such alarm, such longing to see me, such zeal, and such a readiness to punish wrong. You showed that you have done everything necessary to make things right. (2 Corinthians 7:8–11 NLT)

  “Everything necessary.” Whatever it takes.

  If you are humbled and broken by your sin, not making excuses or blaming others for what you have done—if you accept the consequences and are not angry with those disciplining you—if you are willing to do whatever it takes to be restored, and if there is long
-term change in your thinking and behavior . . . then your repentance is real. You’re back on track!

  But if you confess only so you can feel better and look better—if you are angry about the consequences—if you don’t think you’d have done anything differently if you could go back and do it over, and if you make no changes to keep from doing it again in the future, then your repentance is not real.

  Regret and tears don’t mean repentance; change does.

  But maybe it’s deep remorse that keeps you from repenting. You may feel like your wrongs are piled too high to even deal with—like you’re about to be crushed under the weight of guilt that hangs over your heart every day. It’s true that each of us is wicked to the core apart from Christ. Our hearts are “deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV), and “all our righteous acts are like filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6 NIV).

  But if God could forgive the apostle Paul for tormenting Christians, and if God could forgive King David for adultery and murder, He can forgive you. If God could restore Peter to service after he had lied and denied Jesus three times, then He can restore you.

  “Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord” (Acts 3:19).