The Boys' Book 3

by STEVE MARTIN

  Fruit and ice cream: Nutritious and delicious.

  Ham and cheese: Sensationally savoury.

  Tomato and mushroom: A veggie delight.

  HOW TO KEEP A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

  A new year means a new start, so it’s a time when people make their New Year’s Resolutions. These often include promising to do something to improve themselves or trying to get rid of a bad habit.

  Here are some tips to make sure your resolution lasts the whole year.

  DO plan. It’s no good just saying you are going to do something – you need to plan how you will do it. Write your plan down to help yourself stick to it.

  DON’T rush into it. You will only keep your resolution if it’s important to you. Think very carefully about how you would like to improve your life and use that to help you decide on your resolution. It’s very easy to make a resolution, but to keep one it has to be something you really want to achieve.

  DO reward yourself. If you have promised to keep your room tidy, save a little bit of your pocket money each week that you tidy your room, and buy yourself a present at the end of the month.

  DO tell everyone. You might have promised to help with the housework more often, so tell your parents and they’ll keep reminding you. It might be that you and your friends have made similar resolutions, so by telling each other what you’re planning to achieve you’ll be able to help each other make your resolutions last.

  DON’T overstretch yourself. If you are worried that you eat too many sweets, don’t promise to give them up forever. Aim to cut down, perhaps only having sweets at the weekend.

  DON’T give up at the first failure. There may be times when you do not manage to keep your resolution. For example, you may have promised to do your homework on time, but forgot to do so on a particular day. This isn’t an excuse to give up on your resolution. Just accept you will make the odd mistake and carry on trying.

  HOW TO FLY A KITE

  It flies, it soars, it dives, and all the time you are the one in control. If you’re wondering what to spend your pocket money on, or what to ask your parents for on your birthday, why not get a kite? They are fantastic fun, can be flown wherever there’s a bit of open space, and they are easy to fly. Grab a friend, follow these few instructions and your kite will soon be high in the air.

  HIGH FLYER

  1. For your kite to fly, you need wind. It doesn’t have to be a strong wind, but a decent breeze is essential.

  2. Face into the oncoming wind, then turn your back on it.

  3. Keep hold of the spool of string. Ask your kite-flying partner to take the kite and walk at least 15 metres away from you and then to stand holding the kite loosely in his hands. He should walk in the same direction as you are facing.

  4. Pull the string so it is tight and wait for a good gust of wind.

  5. Ask your partner to hold the kite above his head, then pull on the string so that the kite leaves your partner’s hands and rises in the air.

  6. Once your kite is flying, you can gradually unwind your spool to let out more string so the kite can climb higher and higher.

  7. If there is a drop in the wind and it starts to fall, pull the line tight by winding the string in or by running away from the kite.

  8. To land your kite, simply walk towards it while winding in the string.

  DON’T FLY YOUR KITE …

  • during bad weather • near electric cables, telephone lines or trees • over people, in case it falls on them • near roads

  If you follow these four don’ts, you’ll be sure to keep yourself, your kite, and everybody else safe.

  HOW TO PULL A COIN FROM SOMEONE’S EAR

  This is a trick that every magician should know. With some simple hand movements you’ll be able to convince your friend that you have produced a coin from his ear. Here’s how to do it.

  1. Take a coin in your right hand and show it to your friend. Make sure you also show them that your other hand is empty.

  2. Turn your right hand over, and pretend to transfer the coin from your right hand into your left one. Close your left fist around the imaginary coin, and move your right hand (which still has the coin in it) down by your side.

  3. Ask your friend to blow on your left hand, then open it to show that the coin has magically vanished.

  4. Bring your right arm up and place your hand behind your friend’s ear.

  5. In one fluid motion, slide the coin from the palm of your right hand into your fingertips, and bring the coin out from behind your friend’s ear. Magic!

  HOW TO READ BODY LANGUAGE

  Think about how many things you say in an average day. It may amaze you to know that you communicate even more through body language than through speech.

  Understanding body language helps us discover what people really mean and how they really feel. Someone might say one thing, but body language signals may tell a different story. We all know a smile means happiness or friendliness, and crying means sadness, but here are some less well-known signals to look out for.

  DECISIONS, DECISIONS

  • If a person is stroking his chin, he is thinking about something and trying to make a decision.

  • If he is tugging his ear, it means he can’t make his mind up.

  • If you try to help by making a suggestion and he pinches his nose and closes his eyes, it means he doesn’t think it is a good idea.

  LIAR! LIAR!

  Tell-tale signs of lying can be difficult to spot, but clues someone may be lying to you include the person:

  • Looking away to the left

  • Covering his mouth with his hand while speaking

  • Rubbing his nose

  • Turning away from you

  I’M THE BOSS

  • If someone leans back and puts his hands behind his head, he thinks he is in control.

  • He might also use his hands to make a steeple shape to show he’s in charge.

  • Someone standing with his hands on his hips means he feels ready to take on anything. Be careful, though, as it can also be a sign of aggression.

  WORLD-WIDE BODY LANGUAGE

  Another important point to remember is that body language can change depending upon which country of the world you are in. In Chile, showing someone your hand with your palm facing upwards and your fingers spread out means you think that they are stupid, and in Thailand, showing the soles of your feet is seen to be very rude indeed. So, as well as learning to read the body language of those around you, you should always check your own body language to make sure you’re not sending out the wrong signals.

  HOW TO TRAIN YOUR GOLDFISH TO PLAY FOOTBALL

  A lot of people are unkind about goldfish, saying they only remember things for three seconds and that they are not very intelligent. Well, here’s how to prove them wrong by teaching your goldfish to be a soccer star.

  First, prepare your pitch. Buy green pebbles for the bottom of your goldfish’s bowl or tank from your local pet shop. Next, make a simple goal using three small sticks taped together. Don’t use a net, though – you don’t want your goldfish getting tangled up.

  TRAINING

  Have you ever noticed that whenever you go near the fish tank, the fish swim to the surface? This is because they know they might be fed when someone comes near the tank. It is this behaviour that will help you train them.

  • Put a small ball in the tank – light enough for the fish to be able to move but heavy enough to sink in the water.

  • Now, wait. Sooner or later, the fish will nudge the ball. When this happens, give a tiny piece of food to the fish.

  • Wait until the fish moves the ball again and drop in another piece of food. If you do this often enough, the fish will learn that nudging the ball leads to being fed and will start to move the ball around. You will need to be patient with your fish as it does take time to learn. It will probably take a couple of training sessions a day for two to three weeks to turn your goldfish into a footballing legend.r />
  • It is very important not to overfeed the fish. Don’t give it more than its usual daily allowance and stop feeding the fish if it doesn’t swim up and eat the food immediately.

  Congratulations! You are now a successful goldfish trainer. You’ll be able to move on to dolphins next.

  HOW TO DRAW A MURAL

  A mural is a large picture painted straight onto a wall. If you decide to draw one, make sure you ask permission before you start. Here’s a simple method that will have you drawing a marvellous mural in no time.

  You Will Need:

  • a picture or photograph • paintbrushes • various colours of emulsion paint • a soft lead pencil • a sheet of tracing paper • a ruler • a wall • sheets of old newspaper

  WHAT YOU DO

  1. Find a picture you would like to turn into a mural. It could be a photograph, or a drawing you’ve done yourself. Place a sheet of tracing paper over the top of the image to protect it.

  2. You are going to draw a grid over it. Using a ruler, draw a pencil line on the tracing paper down the centre of the picture. Then draw a line across the centre of the picture. You now have four boxes, each the same size.

  3. Draw a line down the middle of the top left-hand box and across the centre of it. Repeat this for all four boxes, making a grid of 16 equal-sized boxes.

  4. Draw a large box on the wall using a soft lead pencil. This box will contain 16 larger boxes. For example, if your picture is 15 cm long and 10 cm wide, you could draw a box that’s 150 cm long and 100 cm wide.

  5. Divide this box into 16 smaller boxes using the same method as before. You now have a larger grid to match the one you drew on your picture.

  6. Draw the outline of the mural using the boxes as a guide. Copy the bit of the picture that is in the bottom left box into the bottom left box on the wall, and continue until the outline is complete.

  7. Put some old newspapers on the floor so paint doesn’t drip on to it, and begin painting your mural masterpiece.

  HOW TO TALK LIKE A PIRATE

  There are many reasons you might want to talk like a pirate – maybe you’ve decided that piracy is the perfect career path for you, you might want to liven up a family boat trip, or perhaps some of your best friends are buccaneers. Whatever the reason, this guide to pirate lingo should give you most of what you need to know to become a true swashbuckling speaker.

  INSULTS

  It is important to know these, as pirates spend a lot of time insulting people.

  Landlubber – Anyone who isn’t a pirate or sailor.

  Scurvy Knave – Scurvy was an illness pirates got because they didn’t have fresh fruit at sea. You don’t have to make sure someone has scurvy before using this insult, though – it’ll do for anybody.

  Lily-Livered – Cowardly.

  EXCLAMATIONS

  Pirate exclamations are useful as you can shout them out at any time you want.

  Shiver Me Timbers! – Timbers are the wooden beams on a sailing ship. Pirates shout this phrase when they’re surprised or annoyed – pretty much any time really.

  There She Blows! – Usually used when a whale is spotted, but you shouldn’t feel limited to whale watching. Use it whenever you like, for example when you see the school bus arriving, when your mum arrives home from work, or when your dinner is ready.

  THREATS

  When pirates are not insulting people, they are usually threatening them. Here are a few useful threats to add to your pirate vocabulary:

  I’ll Split Your Gizzard – I bet you didn’t know you had a gizzard, did you? Or that it can be split? Well, you have, and it can, and it’s not very nice.

  Marooning – A pirate punishment was to leave people on uninhabited islands, known as ‘marooning’. Unless your friends have read this book, they may not know what it means, so you can threaten to maroon them even if you don’t have a desert island handy.

  Keel-Hauling – Keel-hauling was horrible. Pirates used to tie someone to a rope, throw them overboard and pull them along underneath the boat. This was very painful indeed as their skin would be ripped off by the barnacles on the bottom of the boat. Threatening to keel-haul someone should be reserved for really, really serious punishments.

  OTHER USEFUL WORDS AND PHRASES

  Me Hearties – My friends.

  Jolly Roger – The pirate flag; a black flag with a white skull and crossbones.

  Ahoy! – Hello!

  Ye – You. For example, ‘I’ll split your gizzard, ye scurvy knave, if I don’t keel-haul ye first.’

  Be – Use this instead of ‘am’, ‘is’ and ‘are’. For example, ‘I be a true pirate and ye be a lily-livered landlubber.’

  HOW TO PLAY ‘FIND THE LADY’

  ‘Find the Lady’ is guaranteed to catch your friends out. This is a trick that uses ‘sleight of hand’, which means you use skilful hand movements to confuse the audience.

  1. Take a pack of playing cards and remove two kings and one queen. The queen is the ‘Lady’ the audience has to find. To help you perform this trick, bend the three cards slightly down the middle, so that the backs curve into a gentle ‘upside-down-V’ shape.

  2. Lay the cards out face down on the table, and pick each one up to show your audience what is on them.

  3. Pick up one of the kings and hold it in your right hand, with your thumb at the bottom and your middle finger at the top. Don’t grip the card too tightly.

  4. Next, pick up the queen in your right hand and hold it in front of the king with your thumb at the bottom and your ring finger at the top.

  5. Hold the second king in your left hand in the same way as the first king, with your thumb at the bottom of the card and your middle finger at the top.

  6. This is where it gets tricky. Flick your right hand sharply down towards the table, and release your middle finger as you do so, so that the king is thrown face down onto the table. It will take some practice to do this smoothly, but once you’ve cracked it, it will look as though it is the bottom card – the queen – that has landed on the table, not the king.

  7. With your left hand, put the king to the right of the king lying on the table.

  8. With your right hand, put the queen on the left of the king, so the queen will actually be on the left, but the audience will think that she’s in the middle.

  9. Keep your eye on the king in the middle, and slowly shuffle the cards around, making sure that the king ends up back in the middle where he started.

  10. Ask the person watching to ‘Find the Lady’. He will point to the card in the middle, thinking this is the queen. Turn the card over to reveal that it is the king and watch his mouth drop open in surprise.

  HOW TO TURN YOUR BEDROOM INTO A COOL CRASH PAD

  A wall montage is guaranteed to up the ‘cool factor’ of your bedroom, as it’s totally unique to your personality. A montage is a collage of photographs, pictures, souvenirs, and anything else you can think of, that grows over time until it covers a whole wall of your bedroom.

  If you want to give your room a montage makeover, here are some top tips.

  MONTAGE MAGIC

  • Select an area of the wall for your montage. Cover it with brown paper or wrapping paper, so that if there are any gaps in your montage you won’t see the wall underneath.

  • Choose a theme. Your montage could be based on a hobby or interest of yours, or you could use it as a journal, adding things that remind you of special moments in your life.

  • Decide on where you want your montage to start. It could begin in the middle of the wall and grow outwards, or it could start at the bottom and grow upwards.

  WHAT TO USE?

  Try to use as many different things in your montage as you can, and stick them onto the backing paper with sticky tack. Here are a few ideas:

  • You could use photographs. Add to them by having captions coming out of people’s mouths, or by cutting and mixing the photos.

  • Collect pictures from newspapers, magazines and comics.
Just cut out the parts you want.

  • Use real objects to give a 3-D effect. For example, you could add old CDs to a music montage. For a sport montage, why not add a rosette in your team’s colours?

  There’s absolutely no limit to what you can use: flattened cola cans, old football shirts, birthday cards, food labels, stickers, graffiti ... the only limits are your own imagination.

  HOW TO TAME A LION

  Cats are usually affectionate animals that make great pets, but if you’re planning on becoming a lion tamer you have to be a bit careful. The pussy cat you’ll be dealing with is over a metre tall, weighs 200 kg and has teeth that could tear your head off! The three vital skills a lion tamer needs are caution, bravery and patience. Here’s how to teach your lion to do a trick.

  JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS

  • It is very important that the lion trusts you. Lion tamers often raise their lions from cubs, which gives them a strong bond.

  • You are going to teach the lion to respond to a signal. Put a hoop in front of the lion with a toy or bright object on the other side of it. Step back and click your fingers.

  • At this point, the lion doesn’t know what you are trying to do. If it does step through the hoop to investigate the object on the other side, reward it immediately with some food.

  • Keep doing this exercise, and every time the lion steps through the hoop, give a food reward. You will soon find that the lion will step through the hoop when you click your fingers even when the toy is not there.