Faithless

by Amanda Bennett

  I caught a few amazing waves the first hour I had been out in the water, but it was starting to get extremely dark and I wasn't willing to get myself eaten by a shark just to catch a few more. When I got back to shore, Roland was nowhere to be seen, so I quickly changed and threw my board shorts and board in its usual spot. I took my time walking up to my car, but as I got closer so did a dark shadowy figure. I wasn't sure if it was a guy or a girl, so I took my time making my way up the concrete ramp, preparing myself for the worst.

  As I got within five feet, I realized it was London. Number one, how the fuck did he find me? And number two, why the fuck did he want to find me? "Can I help you, bro?" I'm pretty sure he could sense the distaste in my tone of voice.

  "Hey, I just came by to talk to you for a minute. If you're wondering how I found you, I asked a few of the nurses at the hospital."

  "Well wasn't that awesome of you. Once again, can I help you?"

  "Look, I saw how you and Riley were looking at each other. I was just wondering if there was anything going on between the two of you? I know it's none of my business, but I just kind of need to know."

  He kind of needed to know? Why the fuck would he need to know something like that unless, unless he wanted to try-. "You like her, don't you?" I didn't try to hide any of my disgust with that idea.

  "I guess you could say that. She's just, different, you know?"

  "Yeah, yeah I know. I don't know if she's ready for something like that, but as far as I know she isn't seeing anyone." It was kind of true. We weren't seeing each other per se.

  "Awesome. I thought, well, it just looked like the two of you had something going on."

  "Nah, I mean as far as I know, we're just friends."

  "Well thanks, bro. I'll see you tomorrow morning I guess."

  "I guess." I muttered under my breath before I jumped in my car and took off. There was no way she would give someone like London a chance, right?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Riley

  "Blake, god just leave me alone for a minute. I'm almost done." I swear every time I had to use the bathroom, Blake had some excuse as to why she needed it worse than I did.

  "Well hurry up, Riley. I have to get ready too." She shouted back through the closed door that separated us.

  I rolled my eyes at her dramatics. Getting out of here couldn't come soon enough, I swear. I finally finished my makeup and stood back glancing at my outfit. I hadn't worn makeup since I got into this hellhole, let alone get dressed in somewhat decent clothes, but today I found myself actually wanting to look more like myself. I wanted Tristan to see that I could actually give a shit about my appearance. I ran my hands down my fitted knit sweater, trying to stretch some of the wrinkles out of it. It was only August, but despite what most people think, Malibu tended to get rather chilly especially given the fact that we are right by the ocean. I smoothed down my jeans one last time and then exited the bathroom. Of course, dramatic Blake was standing against the wall tapping her toe like a five-year-old child.

  "It's all yours." I winked, knowing that it would push her over the edge. She let out a loud scream and then locked herself in the bathroom. We only had thirty minutes before group started and I was suddenly extremely nervous. I hadn't seen Tristan since he left me outside last night. Last night after that amazing kiss. I ran my fingers across my lips still being able to feel his soft lips against mine.

  "You daydreaming in here?" A male voice appeared behind me.

  I turned thinking it was Tristan, but was pleasantly surprised when I found London standing in my doorway. "What are you doing in here?"

  "I just wanted to say a quick good morning to you before group started. I don't want to offend or step on anyone's toes."

  He smiled a wide smile and I couldn't help but notice how beautiful he really was. His teeth were perfectly straight and white, and his skin was almost the color of mine. He wore his blonde hair a little bit longer on top, but I chalked that up to the fact that he was obviously a surfer. He had a little bit of facial hair growing, almost as if it was unintentional, but it was still sexy and caught my attention. Unlike any other day, I also couldn't help but notice the way his black t-shirt seemed to hug every muscle that lay beneath it. Before he could catch me staring, I quickly tried to answer him.

  "I'm not sure whose toes you think you'll be stepping on." My brows knit in confusion.

  "Oh, I didn't mean anyone in particular. I just meant, well, never mind. I guess I'll head to group now and see if Mr. Rollins needs any help."

  He turned to leave, but before my brain could comprehend my actions, I was speaking to him. "Mind if I walk with you?" What was I doing?

  "Sure. Let's go."

  He held out his elbow for me to slide my hand through to link arms with him, but I was still hesitant on the touching issue with others. I patted his arm briefly and then started walking. He must've gotten the hint because he was quickly following suit.

  When we got to the doors of the group therapy room, I noticed that I was the first one there, well besides London and Mr. Rollins.

  "Maybe I should just wait back in my room."

  "Don't be silly. I'm sure Mr. Rollins won't mind at all." He smiled at me and then turned in Mr. Rollins’ direction. "You don't mind, do you?"

  "Mind what, London." Mr. Rollins glanced up and caught me staring in his direction. "Oh, that Riley is here? Of course not. Come on in Riley, we don't bite."

  I tried to brush off his not so subtle nuances and kept to myself. "Thanks." I whispered and then went to go take my usual seat. I was beginning to find this place a little odd and eerie when barely anyone was around. Like I said before, I couldn't wait to get out of this place. Speaking of which, "Hey Mr. Rollins I have a quick question for you."

  "Shoot." He was un-stacking chairs and making our usual circle.

  "How much longer do you think I'll have to be in here? If you had to guess?" I kept my fingers crossed behind my back. Unfortunately, Mr. Rollins was who would have to sign off on my release.

  "Well, I guess that depends. You seem to be doing rather well in therapy lately. You are finally starting to open up and talk and I believe that it is genuine. Your progress that is. I guess it comes down to some basic questions. Where are you going to live when you get released? How will you get a job and money, if you have no vehicle?"

  Shit! I hadn't really thought of any of that. I guess I had more things to work on than I thought. "Well, I'm not sure. I mean, I suppose I could get a job close to wherever I end up living, but I don't know where that would be."

  "These are questions you need to be able to answer before I can sign off on your release."

  "Okay, thanks." I hung my head in disappointment as I waited for everyone else to show up. When I heard extra footsteps enter the room, I glanced up and was immediately met with a pair of dark stormy eyes.

  "Good morning, Riley." I could sense the irritation in his voice.

  "Morning, Tristan. How did you sleep?"

  "Small talk, really?"

  Ouch, that hurt. "Sorry, I won't talk to you then." I turned in my chair to face the wall. I was hoping he would just walk away now that he had made me feel stupid for even trying, but I wasn't so lucky. Instead, he took his usual seat, right next to me.

  "I'm sorry, Riley. That was harsh. I didn't sleep well at all and there is no reason for me to take it out on you."

  "Thanks." I whispered, not making eye contact with him.

  "Are you done talking to me now?"

  I was like a moth to a flame; I couldn't bring myself to not talk to him. "No."

  "That's good." He reached over, placing his hand on top of mine. His skin was warm and smooth and he smelled faintly like ocean water. I knew that it was impossible that he had been there, but the smell was apparent and strong. "So, do you want to talk about what happ-"

  Before he could finish, Mr. Rollins was cutting him off and starting our session. I hadn't noticed anyone else enter the room until now. My ey
es were still glued to Tristan's and it took everything in me to look away.

  "Alright, let's get started. Now I know for some of you, this is your last session with all of us, so I want to take a few minutes to say thank you and give each of you a chance to say something. Let's start with Alex. Alex, what are your plans now that you are leaving us?"

  I started to tune everybody out the minute they started talking. I didn't know many of these people very well, and I was pretty sure I would never see them again. I could feel Tristan's eyes on me as I sat straight and looked straight ahead. Unfortunately, another pair of eyes was fixated on me also.

  London was sitting outside of the circle just across from me and he hadn't looked away in quite some time. I could see Tristan's body go rigid as he noticed it too. I don't know what he was so upset about, but something about London was bothering him.

  After everyone had spoken and said their goodbyes, Mr. Rollins started in on our lesson for the day. It was all about our plans for the future. Deep down I was hoping that he wouldn't try to ask me, because honestly I had no idea and he already knew this. He got to Tristan and just as Tristan began to talk, a small elderly nurse came walking into the room.

  "I need to speak with Riley for a minute please."

  "Of course. Riley you may be excused for the remainder of this session. I'll see you tomorrow morning." Mr. Rollins answered for me.

  I gave a small smile to Tristan and made my way across the room. London's gaze didn't follow me this time and for that I was grateful. As I approached the tiny old lady, she held out her hand for mine. I usually wouldn't have taken it, but I had a feeling this was going to be bad news. I took her hand as she patted the back of mine. She led me to the front nurses station and reached behind the desk for a letter.

  "This is addressed to you. We did have to open it due to protocol, but we didn't read any of the contents. Feel free to go wherever you need to read it, and if you need anything at all just let me know."

  She gave me a sympathetic smile and then walked away. I made my way out onto the back deck and took a seat on the small lounger outside. When I opened the letter, I immediately knew the handwriting. The letter was from my mother, but a much larger stack of papers stapled together also accompanied it. As I began to read the letter, my mouth dropped open, and the tears began to fall on their own accord.

  My sweet Riley,

  I know it has been too long since we have spoken and for that I am truly sorry. If you are reading this, then I am no longer with you. I know you most likely won't read this letter in its entirety, but I had to take a chance and explain a few things to you.

  First off, I want you to know how much I truly love you. I also want you to know how sorry I am for the life that I couldn't provide you with. The day you were taken away from me was the day my heart broke into a thousand pieces. You were my only reason for living. Not a day has gone by since then that I don’t regret my actions. I don't want to make excuses for anything; I just want you to know my side of the story.

  I loved your father very much, and when we had you, well you were a blessing in disguise. Or at least that's what I believed. Your father was not an easy man to deal with and after you came, his abuse only got worse. I hate to bash your father, especially given the fact that I told you he was dead, but he is very much alive. That day, your father was the one who tried to drown you, not me. I know this must come as a shock to you, but it's the truth.

  We had been fighting all morning and he was sick of taking care of a child that he never wanted. Needless to say, things escalated, and I left the house to get some air. When I came back, the house was eerily quiet and given the fact that you were a very talkative and outgoing child, I began to worry.

  I frantically searched the house for you and your father. When I finally found you two in our bathroom, I almost died. You were still fully clothed and he was holding you down. I ran down to the kitchen to grab a knife and when I returned, you had stopped moving. I still to this day can see those small innocent, vacant eyes staring up at me through the water. I stabbed your father repeatedly and when he finally let go of you, I reached for you and pulled you from the tub. You weren't breathing and I immediately called 911. When I started CPR on you, your father was still lying on the floor next to us, barely breathing. I honestly thought I had killed him.

  When the ambulance arrived, you had a faint pulse but that was about it. They took you and started heading down stairs to take you to the hospital. I couldn't leave you alone, so I went with. After the doctors brought you back and you were stable, your father was alive and telling them that he was trying to stop me from hurting you. Of course this was all a lie, but they believed him. That's the day they took you away from me, and I went to jail.

  I promise you Riley, I was only trying to save my precious little girl from a monster. Regardless of the outcome, I fought for you. I fought for you everyday I was in that horrible place paying for your father's crime. I've tried to get a hold of you over the years, but could never find you. I knew you were in foster care, but they had changed your name and I wasn't allowed to speak with you when I did eventually find you.

  This is my biggest regret, Riley. When I got sick with breast cancer last year, I tried to reach out again, but you were older and out of the system, and no one knew where you were. Three weeks ago, while I was getting my affairs in order, I hired a private investigator to track you down. He worked for the local police department also, so I figured he could find you, and he did. Only, I was too late. I was too weak to move and I knew you wouldn't come see me, so I asked him to keep an eye on you for me. Last week, I mailed this letter to him in hopes that he would get it to you. I sure hope it did.

  I know I was a horrible mother and never around. God, the stories you must've heard over the years I'm sure practically killed you, but I found peace in knowing that you were safe somewhere and away from a father who would stop at nothing to hurt you, if given the chance.

  So here I am, writing you this letter and hoping that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I have left you everything I own. It's not a ton, but it's what you deserve in this life. I know deep down, that you have become an amazing woman. The few pictures I have seen, told me just that. You are beautiful and you look so great. I'm proud of you Riley for making it through life unscathed, I hope. I know that we will one day be reunited and I look forward to it. Please take what I am giving you and make a good life for yourself. Become the person I always knew you would be.

  I hope you are well and I want you to know that I think of you often. I love you Riley with all of my heart and soul. Take care my sweet girl.

  Until we meet again,

  Mom

  I wiped the tears falling down my face with the back of my hand and tried to even out my breathing. I neatly folded up her letter and tucked it back into the envelope as I retrieved the next pack of papers. My jaw practically hit the floor when I saw what they were. She really did leave everything she owned to me. My heart ached for the mother I never knew and for the mother who would never get to know me. I was heart broken and alone, but all I could think about was the fact that I would never get to know this wonderful person who was my mother.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Tristan

  As soon as group wrapped up, I rushed out of the room in hopes of finding Riley. She had been called out and deep down I knew something wasn't right. Just as I turned the corner that opened up to the common room, I could see her slumped over form sitting on the bench outside. I quickly made my way out there. I stopped just short of her and listened to her weep. I had no idea what was going on with her at the moment, but I did know that she needed someone, anyone who would love and comfort her.

  I closed the distance between us and swooped her up in my arms. I sat down where she had just been and tucked her trembling body deep into my chest. I could feel her warm salty tears against my skin, as they began to soak through my shirt. I ran my fingers back through her hair repeate
dly, waiting for her body to relax. When she turned her face into mine, it took everything in me not to press my lips against hers. This girl did something to me, and I was already aware that I couldn't be trusted around her. I wanted her. I needed her, more than I have ever needed anything else in my entire life. She had become my lifeline, and someone I knew I couldn't live without.

  My fingers were gently running down her back when she finally spoke. It was so quiet, I wasn't even sure I had heard it. "What's that, sweetheart?"

  "She's gone."

  "Who?"

  "My mother. She's gone for good." I heard her mutter.

  My body stiffened beneath her, as I took in what she was saying. "Did your mother die, sweetheart?"

  She gave a quick nod of her head and then the tears resumed. I knew there wasn't much I could do for her now. She had to learn to deal with and work through her grief and I knew that. I could see the strong woman that Riley could be, but unfortunately, she couldn't see it in herself. I found myself wanting to tell her everything, but would she still want to talk to me after she knew? Would she understand why I am the way that I am? I shook the thoughts from my head as I felt her body begin to get heavy with sleep. Her face was directly under my chin and her intoxicating smell was overwhelming. My eyes fluttered shut as I took in her scent.

  A little while later, her breathing evened out and I knew she was fast asleep. My eyes glanced down at her sleeping form tucked into me, and my mind began wondering about how we would be as a couple. More than anything else, I just wanted Riley to find her own peace in life. Now that I knew this amazing girl, I never wanted to lose her. I honestly couldn't imagine how my life would be without her in it.