Faithless

by Amanda Bennett

  "Tristan, hey you gotta second?"

  "Not really, London. What could you possibly want from me?"

  "Have you seen Riley anywhere? I just wanted to speak to her for a second."

  All rational thinking leaves my mind and I find myself slamming London's back against the wall, my forearm pushed hard into his neck. "Stay the fuck away from Riley. You understand me?"

  "I don't know what your deal is man, but unless she tells me that herself, she's fair game."

  This only pisses my off further, so I push my arm just a tad bit harder into his neck causing him to gasp for air. "I don't want to have to tell you again. She doesn't need someone like you trying to get in her pants while she's trying to figure out the rest of her life. So, back the fuck off." I push my arm hard against his neck before backing away from him. He bent over grasping his neck and coughing, but I could give two shits. I start making my way out to the front desk and catch a glimpse of Riley up at the front desk talking to Jan, one of the night nurses. I slowly make my way over to her, but Jan spotted me first and held her hand up for me to stop right where I'm at. I usually wouldn't be scared of some little nurse, but Jan knows more about me than anybody else in this place, so I know to listen to her.

  I stop in the middle of the room and wait for the go ahead signal, but it never comes. Riley eventually walks towards her room and I walk over to Jan. "What was that all about?"

  "Tristan, you really need to back off. That poor girl is already having a hell of a time and you are only making things worse. Now I know I'm partially to blame in this particular situation because I got you in here, but that girl is far too fragile to deal with any of your bullshit. You hear me, love?"

  "Yeah Jan, I hear ya. It wasn't supposed to happen this way."

  Jan grabs my hand and gives it a tight squeeze. "I know it's hard to see past the present, but I believe she'll give you the opportunity to explain someday. Just give her some space and time."

  "Thanks Jan." I give her a flirty smile and turn to leave.

  I start making my way down to the parking garage when I hear a man calling my name from behind me. When I turn to see who it is, Mr. Rollins is walking towards me faster than normal.

  "Oh hey, Mr. Rollins. What's up?"

  "How did she find out?"

  "Blake told her. Well that and the letter she got from her mom hinted towards me. I couldn't let her start digging into her mother's private investigator and find out it was me. I needed to be the one to tell her."

  "But you weren't, Tristan. Look, if she ever finds out that I helped you get close to her, I honestly don't know what she would do."

  "Don't worry, Mr. Rollins I won't tell her. No reason to expose two assholes in her life that she was finally starting to trust."

  "I'm not the asshole here, Tristan. You are. You asked me to break almost every ethical code when it comes to therapy. I helped you because I didn't want to see that poor girl hurting the way that she was, but you can't put your guilty conscience on me. Just don't say anything to her and we won't have any issues."

  "Are you threatening me, Mr. Rollins?" I was now becoming extremely pissed off.

  "Not at all Tristan. Just remember, everyone has secrets that they don't want out." He turned to start walking back inside and I continued on to my car.

  "Fuck you, Cary." I shouted as I ducked into the driver seat. There was no way I would let that slimy fuck get away with threatening me.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Riley

  "Riley, are you okay? You've been in there for a long time. I'm worried."

  I sat with my head against the door and my arms wrapped around my knees, as the tears flooded my face. I couldn't bear to see anyone, especially Blake. I felt so stupid for believing that Tristan could've actually cared for me. I should've known better. If the past was any indication of how the rest of my life would go, I was fucked.

  "Riley, please just answer me."

  Blake's voice vibrated through the wood, causing my brain to start hurting. "Leave me alone, Blake."

  I wasn't sure she would actually do it, but a few seconds later I heard our room door click into place. All I could think of now, was getting myself out of this god-forsaken place. It wasn't going to be an easy task, but I can't take another minute knowing that he could show up at any moment.

  I stayed in the bathroom for the greater portion of the night, and didn't emerge until I heard Blake's soft snoring. I took a quick shower and quietly crawled into bed, pulling the covers over my head. Once the darkness wrapped around me, my heavy lids closed and I drifted off into a nightmarish slumber.

  It had to have been extremely late at night because there were barely any cars on PCH, and barely a soul in sight. It was windier than it had been the first time I was here, but I was okay with it. I needed it. I was in my short pink nightie and nothing else. I could hear people talking in the distance, but I was too focused to pay them any attention. I shuffled my bare feet to the edge and took a look over. It was a long way down and I knew there was absolutely no way I would make it out alive, but that was the point.

  Just as I was about to jump, Tristan grabbed my arm. I slipped a little and started to slide down the edge. Sand flew all around me and I started coughing to clear my lungs of the debris. I glanced up into Tristan's stormy blue eyes and found myself wanting to live. I tugged at his arm with my other hand, begging him to pull me up.

  "You said you wanted to die, Riley. How am I supposed to save you, when you don't want to save yourself?"

  "I changed my mind, Tristan. Please pull me back up. Please Tristan, I'm slipping."

  "I'm sorry, Riley. This is what you wanted and I want you to get what you want."

  I looked into his eyes one last time before he let go of my arm and I started falling to my death. A million different things ran through my mind as my body plummeted to the ground, but the most prominent thought was of Tristan. How I would never get another chance to feel his lips against mine, or feel the warmth of his touch on my cool skin. These were the things I wanted to feel, not sorrow or fear. I wanted to live, if only to get to know him I wasn't sure, but I needed to explore the emotions that were running through me.

  I woke with a jolt, sitting straight up in bed gasping for air. I was drenched in sweat and my lungs felt heavy along with my every limb. I glanced over at Blake's sleeping form and breathed a sigh of relief. I really didn't need her asking a million questions. I quickly ran to the bathroom, grabbing a dry clean shirt on my way and very slowly closed the door. I wiped my body off with my bath towel and quickly changed my shirt. I threw the wet one in the small hamper in the corner, splashed some water on my face and made my way back to bed. Once I was tucked in bed again, I couldn't help but be afraid to fall asleep. I didn't want to go back into the nightmare again. I wanted to be able to think happy thoughts, not morbid and depressing ones. As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling aimlessly, I suddenly recalled my conversation with Jan earlier. I knew I might get into trouble for leaving my room this late, but it was my last hope to do what needed to be done.

  I pulled a pair of sweats on and slippers before tiptoeing my way over to the door. I glanced back at Blake one last time to make sure she was still asleep, before I quietly cracked open the door and made my way into the dimly lit hallway. I looked down both sides of the hall to make sure nobody was around before I took off for the front desk. When I saw Jan sitting alone behind the small glass partition reading a book, I figured the coast was clear.

  "Jan." I whisper yelled, as I got closer. I must've scared her because she jumped a bit at the sound of my voice.

  "Riley, what are you doing out of bed?"

  "I need to talk to you."

  "Well you better make it quick, Mr. Rollins is still here and he would have my ass if he knew I wasn't forcing you back to your room right now."

  "Jan, I don't want to get you into trouble, but I need a favor."

  "What is it, hun?"

  "I need you to tell me
what room Tristan is in. I have to talk to him."

  Jan gave me a perplexed look, but I could tell she was considering it. I paced back and forth in front of the desk, just waiting for an answer. When I glanced back at Jan, she held the phone in her hand.

  "He doesn't stay here, but I'll dial his number for you. You better make it quick though."

  "I promise." I would say I was shocked to find out he didn't actually stay here, but after today I don't think anything could surprise me. My adrenaline was racing through my veins as I listened to the phone ringing. I held my breath, anticipating how it would feel to hear his voice. When the phone rang a third time, all hope flew out with my breath. It was becoming clear, he didn't want anything to do with me. After the fifth ring, his voicemail picked up and my heart plummeted to the floor. I could feel the tears welling up and I quickly hung up the phone and ran to my room. I knew I probably should've left a message telling him how sorry I was or something, but I just couldn't bear to feel rejection for the umpteenth time in my life.

  There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to sleep, so I pulled out my journal and decided to start writing. A little after three in the morning, my eyes began to get extremely heavy and I knew there was no possible way I could evade sleep any longer.

  "Riley."

  Blake's voice was soft and comforting, but I wasn't in the mood to deal with all of her questions this morning, so I ignored her as long as I could.

  "Riley, I know you're awake. Group is starting in ten minutes."

  "Fine. I'll be there in a minute." I growled as I rolled over, tucking the blanket over my head.

  "Okay, but don't get mad at me when you get in trouble for being late."

  "Whatever, Blake. Just go." I stuck my arm out from beneath the blanket and gave her the middle finger. All I heard after that was Blake's laugh echoing down the hall. When I knew she was gone for good, I threw my blanket back and pulled my hands over my head in a long stretch. Even though I had only gotten about three hours of sleep, I felt more refreshed today than any other day.

  I quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a baggy sweater, and headed out to grab some coffee before group. Lord knows I was going to need it. The cafeteria was unusually empty and very quiet. It was eerie and put me on edge as I filled my coffee cup and rushed down the hall. When I entered the room, everybody decided to take the opportunity to stare at me like I was some animal in a zoo. I gave a small annoying wave and went to my seat.

  It's not like I expected him to show up or anything, but deep down I had hoped he would. When I saw the empty seat next to mine, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I tucked my feet under me as I sipped on my coffee, waiting for Mr. Rollins to start us off. Luckily, I had beaten him in this morning. That was always good thing; I hated the unwanted attention he gave when he was here before me.

  I glanced around the room noticing that a few of the usual people were no longer here, and I became envious. They had all healed and found the strength to go on without this place. I desperately wished that for me, and I knew I could achieve it, if I just tried a little harder. I was busy staring at that goddamn ink stain on the floor when a pair of black and white Converse came into view beneath me. My heart skipped a beat and practically got lodged in my throat as I prepared myself to look up into those mesmerizing blue eyes. Unfortunately when I did look up, I was met with a set of chocolate brown eyes with an apologetic nature. He had to have seen the disappointment in my face because he was quickly apologizing.

  "I'm sorry, Riley. It's just me." London's voice was deep and commanding even when he was trying to be sympathetic. I wasn't sure if I found it attractive or condescending.

  "No need to apologize, London. How are you?"

  He sat down next to me making himself comfortable in Tristan's chair, and I became extremely irritated. "I can't complain, I guess. How are you doing today?"

  I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, never looking directly at him. "I'm okay."

  "That's it?"

  "What do you want me to say, London?"

  "Say you'll have lunch with me."

  My eyes shot up to his. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to sit here, not even twenty-four hours after Tristan and I had our blowout, asking me to have lunch with him. "Are you serious right now?"

  "Of course I am."

  I stood, pointing my finger into his chest. "Who do you think you are?"

  "Whoa Riley, calm down. I was just asking if you wanted to have lunch, it's not like I asked you to marry me." He was now standing face to face with me, and my anger slowly started to dissipate. He made a good point.

  "Sorry. Yeah, I guess we can have lunch together."

  "Okay, I'll see ya after group then?"

  "Yeah." I whispered before I sat back in my chair and he walked towards the other side of the room.

  I spent the entire group session staring at the doors, just waiting for them to come flying open as Tristan walked in. It never happened though. I was slowly starting to come to the realization that I may never get the opportunity to make things right with him. I just needed him to hear me out, and I needed him to explain so much more than he had. Honestly, I just needed to see him more than anything.

  Mr. Rollins was starting to wrap up group when I quickly stood, gathering all the attention from my fellow patients. "Mr. Rollins, I'd like to talk about some things if that's okay?"

  "Absolutely, Riley. Please start whenever you're ready."

  I nodded in appreciation and stood in front of the group, straightening my sweater as I tried to calm my nerves. "I haven't had an easy life. I know many of us haven't, but for me, I've always felt like I was living in hell on Earth. I grew up thinking that my parents never loved me, and as I bounced from foster home to foster home, it only reaffirmed my thoughts. How could anyone let their child go through what I went through, if they really loved them?" I tugged at the frayed hem on my sweater as I continued. I still wasn't brave enough to look at the people around me when I talked, so I kept my head down. "I've never blamed anyone for my dumb luck, I guess you could call it, but I also never gave anybody a real chance to get to know me or even help me. That was until I met you all. I’ve listened to each and every one of your stories over the last few weeks and I've come to realize, that I'm not the only one who has been burned and tarnished by the things I have been through. I've learned to take responsibility for my actions and not to blame other people, but I honestly think the most valuable thing I've learned, is that you sometimes have to let people in. Not everyone is going to treat me the way the bad people in my life have and I can accept that, but I've also learned that secrets will tear you apart. Anyways, I've taken up enough of all your time. Thanks for listening." I quickly sat back down in my chair. It was silent for a long second before the entire room erupted in applause. I slowly looked up at each and every one of the faces looking back at me. They were all smiling at me and cheering me on. It was the first time in as long as I could remember that I felt, appreciated. I gave a small smile in return and the applause slowly started to die down.

  "Riley, I have to say, I'm proud of you. That's the most you have opened up since you've been here. It's nice to see how far you've really come."

  "Thank you, Mr. Rollins."

  "Alright group, that'll do it for today. I'll see you all bright and early tomorrow morning. Great job today, everyone."

  I gathered my empty coffee cup and started making my way towards the doors.

  "You're not trying to ditch me are you?" London's voice caught me off guard and I jumped a little, which in turn caused him to let out a chuckle.

  "Do I amuse you?" I laughed.

  "A little. Shall we?" He extended his elbow for me to loop my arm through his. I hesitated for half a second before I shrugged my shoulders and placed my arm through his. "So I made a reservation at this amazing new place in town."

  I quickly pulled him to a stop, "London, you know I can't leave." I was beginning to panic.

&nbs
p; "Calm down, Riley. I was talking about the cafeteria. I was just trying to be funny. Remind me never to try that again." He laughed as he placed his hand on top of mine.

  His touch sent a small, excited jolt through me. I looked up at the man next to me, wondering just how much I was willing to let him in. I had done it with Tristan and look where that got me.

  "Whatcha thinking about so hard over there?" He playfully elbowed me.

  "Nothing." I whispered back.

  I was starting to realize that opening your heart back up could be dangerous. I was quickly walking the line between dangerous and safe. I was confused about my feelings, but couldn't help myself from exploring every new emotion I was feeling. I was just hoping that I wouldn't break while doing so.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Tristan

  I lay back on the warm sand, letting every pebble nestle in around my wet body. I closed my eyes as I soaked up every bit of the sun that I could. The waves this morning had been epic. It felt amazing to get back out in the water and just let myself go. It had been awhile since I had surfed, but this morning something inside of me was urging me to take advantage of the gorgeous day.

  My entire mind was consumed with thoughts of Riley and I knew if I didn't take a break from seeing her that I was only going to make the current situation with her worse. Every perfect wave I caught this morning had reminded me of her. How amazingly beautiful she was inside and out. Just the smell of the salty ocean below me reminded me of her. I knew how badly I had screwed things up when I saw the look of fear on her face when she had found out the truth. We all had demons hiding deep down. I just wanted a chance to get to know hers.

  She had started to open up to me and instead of being honest from the beginning, I tried my luck at hoping she would just see me, for me. I don't regret for one second the things I had done, or I never would've met her. When her mom had come to me, I looked at it as just a normal job. Little did I know that the minute I laid my eyes on her, that I wouldn't be able to let go. Her mother had told me what a special girl she was, but I guess part of me didn't believe her. Given the fact that she hadn't actually seen or spoken with her daughter for quite sometime, I found it hard to trust in what she was saying. A big part of me wanted to think the worst of her mother. I wanted to hate her for putting Riley through everything she had when she was so young, but I've come to understand that people make mistakes. But Riley was one mistake that I needed to change.