by S. Allen
Ro’s smile was mesmerizing. Julian couldn’t help but smile back. He felt happy and excited. It’d been so long since those emotions had tickled his senses.
“Okay, so after dinner I was thinking we should get our adrenaline pumping. Maybe we throw on a couple of ex-president masks and rob a bank,” Ro suggested conspiratorially with one hand hiding his lips from spying eyes.
“Then we hit the surf for the 50-year storm!” Julian laughed so hard he snorted. “I can’t believe you just referenced Point Break.”
Ro widened his eyes innocently. “What do you mean? Are you insinuating that my brilliant plan has already been thought of?”
“Yes, and if you suggest that I kind of look like Keanu Reeves, you’ll lose even more points for creativity.” Especially since he looked nothing like the man with his neatly trimmed dark brown hair and hazel eyes. His square jawline was cleanly shaven and olive complex could sport one hell of a tan when given the chance.
“I was going to say you’re Lori Petty and I’m Reeves.” Ro was rewarded with a balled up napkin thrown directly at his face.
“At least you still have the arm, Johnny Utah.”
“Enough already,” Julian said through a wide smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had so much fun. Even all the playful teasing with his poker group didn’t make him feel this light-hearted and relaxed. It was as though he could feel his soul coming back to life with Ro as its breath. “What do you want for dessert?”
“This is only our first date,” Ro said with a gasp and then added, “But what are you offering?” He winked and rubbed his thumb along the inside of Julian’s wrist.
“Stop it, Mr. Playboy McHandsy. I meant the lava cake or the trio of mini cake parfaits.” Julian couldn’t hide the slight blush from coloring his cheeks at Ro’s teasing.
“Lava cake,” Ro declared.
“I was leaning that way too. Hey, I didn’t even ask you how your business meeting went.”
“Great! My client, Mr. Bakker, wants to redesign his backyard for his wife’s birthday. Right now they have a simple lawn with a few flowerbeds lining the back fence. We talked about building a gazebo, planting some trees and building-up some rolling flowerbeds. My cousin is going to love working on this project.”
“Vinnie, right? Is it short for Vincent?”
“No. Alvin, actually.”
“Please tell me you have two others cousins named Simon and Theodore.”
“Really?” Ro raised one eyebrow. “Do you honestly think we didn’t tease him as a child for being named after a cartoon chipmunk?”
“Well, if you’re going to be named after a cartoon chipmunk, Alvin is a much better choice than Chip or Dale. Chippendale strippers, what if he had turned out to be a stripper instead of a nursery owner?”
“Vinnie, a stripper? I don’t think anyone in their right mind would want to see him strip.” Ro joked.
“What are you laughing at, Alejandro?” Julian said slyly hoping to either have guessed correctly or to have Ro correct him with his true name.
“Not my name. Nice try, though.” Ro’s eyes widened as their gooey chocolate dessert was placed between them with two spoons. “Is it too early in our relationship to feed you the first bite?”
“Relationship, huh?” Julian teased and opened his mouth wide, waiting to be fed. Ro spooned him the perfect bite with the right ratio of cake to fudge to ice cream. “Yum. And what are you planning to have for dessert?”
Ro playfully pulled the plate closer to himself and shoved a huge bite into his mouth. Fudge was slowly oozing over his lip from the gluttonous spoonful. Julian reached over with his napkin to catch the stray drops. Ro captured his hand after the cleanup and gently kissed Julian’s knuckles in thanks.
“I would love to have another date with you. What do you say?”
“I-I-I don’t know.” Julian blushed like a twelve-year-old boy caught staring at his first crush. “I mean, it’s not like I go out during the work week and next Friday night is my monthly poker game.”
“How about we exchange numbers and not rush anything. This next weekend I’m chaperoning the movie-night-stay-in at the youth center anyway. If you’re feeling up to it we can get together the following weekend for a date.”
“Yeah. I think that sounds great.” They traded phone numbers and paid the bill. As they walked out, Ro lightly placed his hand on the small of Julian’s back. Julian was tempted to slow his gait and lean into the touch. Ro walked him all the way to his car. He wrapped his arms around Julian, hugging goodbye and gently brushed his lips across Julian’s cheek before letting go and leaving towards his own car.
***
Julian was getting ready for bed and couldn’t stop thinking about his date. Date! He felt giddy, excited and scared all at the same time. He had thoroughly enjoyed himself and Ro was the reason. His smile began to fade as an unexpected feeling took root. Why did he feel guilty? It was the first date Julian had been on since Greyson’s death, how much time did he owe the man? Julian sighed and looked at the framed picture sitting on his bedside table.
“Grey, you gotta let me go,” Julian pleaded to the past. Greyson looked good in the picture, healthy, with his arm causally slung across Julian’s shoulders. If you didn’t know they were a couple they would have easily passed as good friends posing for the camera. Julian had wanted more.
He wanted a boyfriend he could hold hands with, bring around his friends and simply be as affectionate as he wanted to be. Greyson was resolute about them not showing any signs of intimacy publically or even in front of their friends. He always said he wasn’t embarrassed of Julian or ashamed of being gay, but he believed signs of affection were between partners and he didn’t want to flaunt their ‘happy’ relationship. Julian had always thought it was a bunch of bullshit.
Still staring at the picture, Julian let himself slide into the memory of when they’d started dating. They both had earned sports scholarships—him for football and Greyson for baseball—and were both majoring in finance. They ended up in a lot of the same classes and living on the same dorm floor. The math added up and they’d become fast friends. It wasn’t until the end of their freshman year when Greyson made the move to change their relationship from just friends to casually dating.
They had been studying in Julian’s dorm room when Greyson made his declaration. It was less romantic and more pragmatic. Instead of sweet blushes and a brush of lips, it was discussed.
“Julian, we’ve known each other for a while and I’m interested in taking things to the next level.” Greyson had set his art history book down and simply looked at Julian.
“Next level?” Julian was beyond surprised. He had no clue Greyson was even gay. They had been so focused on their studies, training and working that relationships and dating had never been brought up. Julian was openly gay but didn’t flaunt it. He’d had a few causal dates off campus, but nothing ever amounted to anything serious because he was too busy either training or studying to have much of a social life.
“Yes, next level. We should date.” It was at that point Greyson reached over and put his hand on top of Julian’s in a slightly tender gesture of romance. When Julian had still yet to respond Greyson continued his pitch. “We have similar interests, are studying the same courses and neither of us are interested in a clingy boyfriend.”
“So what, we become fuck-buddies? I gotta tell you that doesn’t interest me much. I’d rather have a boyfriend, but my life is pretty busy.” Julian was trying to wrap his brain around what Greyson was proposing. Julian did want a boyfriend, clingy or not. He just didn’t have the free time to devote to a developing relationship.
“Okay. We can be exclusive. We already know each other so that eliminates the getting-to-know-you phase and my life is equally as busy.” Deciding things were settled, Greyson leaned over and kissed Julian. Julian gasped in surprise and Greyson took advantage. It had been so long since Julian had taken a break and let his body feel. He had his
arms full of lusting man, a man who wanted him. And that began their relationship or better termed, arrangement.
They dated monogamously throughout college with very few people knowing about their relationship. They didn’t need to broadcast their relationship or spend holidays with each other. Julian had been focused on graduating and felt confident in his knowledge that he had a serious boyfriend. It was more than he could say about his mother, who had a carousel of men entering and leaving her life in a grandiose fashion.
It wasn’t until after graduation, once they moved in together, that Julian realized what a sham his relationship with Greyson was. He wanted a partner, not a friend with benefits. And to be honest the benefits weren’t even that good. Not even Greyson’s father had known they were dating. He assumed they were simply roommates, except Julian hadn’t even felt they were that much. It seemed as though he was a visitor in Greyson’s home. None of his personal items had met with Greyson’s approval to be displayed in their house. The décor was all Greyson’s subdued style. He called it being an adult. Julian thought it was boring. Creams and beiges were the splashes of color among a black and white theme. They had a few pieces of art that reflected Greyson’s Korean heritage hanging up throughout the house, but no posters or even personal pictures. It was cold and impersonal—which ironically reflected their relationship.
It was very cliché, Julian loved Greyson, but he wasn’t in love with Greyson. It had been too easy to slip into a domestic routine with each of them starting new jobs and settling into after-college-life. It wasn’t until Julian came home early from work to find Greyson plowing into some guy on their couch that Julian decided he’d had enough. He had been suspicious of Greyson cheating, but to walk in on him in mid thrust had been the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
Greyson apologized, cried and pleaded for Julian to stay and give them another chance. Why Julian stayed for another six months and another round of affairs, no one knows. When he finally decided he deserved more, they found out Greyson’s health was in jeopardy.
All of a sudden there was a concrete reason for Greyson’s headaches, forgetfulness and occasional blurry vision: brain tumor. It was the size of a grapefruit and had grown into most of the major blood vessels. The doctors determined it to be inoperable and gave Greyson only a few months to live. Greyson was shocked and absently reached over for Julian’s hand. There in the doctor’s office was the first time Greyson held Julian’s hand in front of another person.
The months projected ended up only being weeks. It was the best and worst time of their relationship. Greyson openly loved Julian, showering him with affection. He even told his parents that Julian was as good as his husband. The worst was watching Greyson deteriorate. His speech became consistently slurred, his movements uncoordinated and memories lost. At the end, the tumor impaired his breathing. After 24hours of being on a ventilator, he lapsed into a coma. Greyson’s parents were devastated but respected his wishes and didn’t keep him on life support.
“Oh, Grey,” Julian sighed. “Would things have changed if you’d lived? Would you have stayed faithful, maybe held my hand in public? Would you have let me put up my posters and tacky shit? I’m still obsessing over the impossible what-ifs. Fuck, I’m pathetic.”
Julian shook his head and kept up the conversation with the framed picture. “I had an impromptu date tonight. He was a lot of fun and totally not like you. It’s pitiful how little romantic experience I have. I mean being your boyfriend through college was fine, but I wouldn’t call it romantic. I wanted more, you know? I want the soft touches and shy smiles, I want to be loved unconditionally. I want laughter and playfulness and color. And none of those things are childish, they’re me. Why couldn’t you love me for me? When did I become so jaded? Poor Julian, the widower who only has half a heart. Even in death you direct who I am.”
Julian rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling looking for divine intervention or perhaps a fairy with a sack full of magical fairy dust. Was he ready to date? What was he afraid of? Did he want to keep course on his boring, sorry excuse for a life that he was just coasting through? Or did he want things to change?
Julian flipped on the TV and let his mind clear out all thoughts as he surfed the channels. He finally settled on the Matrix. After half an hour he asked himself, “The red pill or the blue pill? Do I want to take the chance to find the truth? I want a relationship, but am I whole enough to be a good partner to Ro?”
“There is no spoon.” Julian muttered. “I say it like I expect my own existence to shift. I have to do it, bend the fucking spoon. Ro’s worth it and even it he’s not I am.”
Julian was feeling quiet proud of his verbal declaration when his phone chimed signaling a text message.
Ro: I had a great time 2nite.
Julian: Me 2.
Ro: Sleep tight.
Julian: Goodnight.
Julian smiled as he thought he couldn’t wait to actually speak to the man again. He was surprised how at ease he felt with Ro. He flirted, making his interest known, but he didn’t push too hard and Julian really appreciated that. Besides feeling physically attracted to the man, he also wanted to hear what he had to say. The banter was fun and it had felt good to talk about Grey being a part of his past and not as a defining point of who he is.
Julian fell asleep to the buzz of the TV and with all his worries forgotten for the night. His final thought was, “Ro had a good time too.”
***
Ro drove home with a smile on his face. As he pulled into the driveway, he noticed the familiar porch light on and sitting underneath its glow was his cousin, Vinnie, sipping a beer. A few years ago they bought the duplex and fixed it up. The main steps led up to a shared porch that branched left to the entrance of Vinnie’s half and right to the entrance of Ro’s.
“You’re home late.” Vinnie observed out loud once Ro had parked and was in hearing distance.
“I didn’t realize we had plans.” Ro raised one eyebrow in challenge.
Vinnie laughed and held out a beer for Ro. “We didn’t, but usually you’re home by now and we have a beer together. So, you not being home is just out of the ordinary.”
“I had a date.”
Vinnie choked on the swallow of beer he had in his mouth. “W-what? I can’t even remember the last time you had a date. And I mean like ever.”
“That sounds insulting.”
“You work hard and spend your free time volunteering. You deserve some happiness just for yourself. So, tell me about this date.”
Ro pushed off the rail he was leaning against and fell into the lounger next to Vinnie and told him how he met Julian. “There’s just something about him. He’s easy to talk to and there’s an underlining vulnerability that makes me want to wrap my arms around him.”
“Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re attracted to him because he needs fixing.” Vinnie groaned.
“Not at all. He doesn’t need fixing. He just needs some happiness, I think. I don’t know. I do know that I’m ready to settle down. I haven’t dated because it wasn’t important. Now that my life is flowing along smoothly I want a partner. I want someone to come home to, that’s not family.” Ro slanted his eyes towards his cousin. “I want to take someone out on romantic dates and then come home and snuggle.”
“That sounds serious. And you’re considering this guy, Julian, for that role?” When Ro subtly nodded, Vinnie continued, “Maybe you should test out the waters. Go on lots of dates with lots of different people. Don’t settle for the first guy who grabs your attention.”
“It’s not like that. I’m not holding one night auditions for prince charming nor am I desperate enough to latch on to just anyone and call it a relationship. I’m looking for a companion, someone I mesh with, someone that makes me smile and someone who wants the same things I want. All the guys I’ve met, granted not dated, have been playing the field. They’re young and in no place for a serious relationship.”
“A
nd what, this guy already has wedding invitations designed?”
“No. He was open and honest with me. He made me laugh and we had a good time. He wasn’t playing games just trying to get laid. Look, I like him and we’re going to see where things go.”
The conversation shifted and Vinnie rattled on about how inconsiderate Ro was for not bringing something from the restaurant home for him. Ro laughed, finished his beer and went inside. He loved his cousin but was glad they didn’t actually live together. Their shared wall had a connecting door which was often times left open, but it was lockable for when they needed their privacy. Claire greeted him by winding between his feet and meowing for dinner.
“I know it’s late, baby. I’m sorry.” Ro bent down and Claire jumped onto his shoulder and nuzzled against his beard. It was nice to hear Claire’s purrs, but if there was a boyfriend to greet him with a kiss too, it would make coming home perfect. Ro had been feeling a bit of loneliness lately. Life had been difficult and Ro worked hard to become someone he was proud of. Was it so wrong to want Julian to be the guy he let his guard down with? Sometimes people just clicked, sometimes a strong foundation to a lasting relationship can be as basic as wanting the same things in life. Sometimes love can happen just that easily.
2. Toast to pity parties!
They texted constantly over the next couple of weeks and got into the routine of speaking nightly on the phone. Each exchange fortified Ro’s resolve that Julian could be his happily-ever-after guy. They had shared interests and a similar sense of humor. He was finding himself wanting to share everything with Julian from a bad joke he heard at work to how beautiful the sunset was. Unfortunately, their schedules had been busy so they hadn’t been able to meet up in person. Finally, they were both free for lunch. Ro picked a little deli close to Julian’s office. It was casual and very low-pressure, as far as date stress would be rated.
They ended up swapping half of their sandwiches so they could each try both. Ro realized Julian enjoyed trying new things but rarely strayed from his usual choices. It was a joy to share and see the delight when Julian found something he liked. Ro took pleasure in knowing he was able to do that for him. It was fun and Ro looked forward to sharing more meals and even snacks with Julian.