by S. Allen
“Really? Do I get to give you the truth or do you want to hear the generic ‘I don’t know’ or the ‘because you guys were in love’ kind of answer?” Sammy looked at Julian intently trying to get a read on how he was going to answer.
“Alright, Dr. Jacobs, tell me your professional opinion.” Julian knew he was offering an opening he’d regret. Besides being his best friend, Sammy was a licensed psychiatrist.
“Because you wanted a family. Your dad walked out on you and your mom and you had no extended family. It was just the two of you. You know your mom loves you, but she was a serial dater, parading an endless string of terrible men throughout your life. You needed stability, craved that sense of home and family. Greyson was offering you a home. Granted it came with conditions, but in the grand scheme of things they all seemed worth it. For example, there’s no comparing the taste of a good cheeseburger to having a partner curl up besides you at night. Everything else paled in contrast to the love Greyson was giving you.”
Julian felt naked at how clearly his friend saw him. Sammy was wrong about a few things, but Julian needed to take in everything that was said before he could open up any more. Sammy let him think in silence as they opened more boxes. Less than an hour later Julian cleared his throat, stood up and dumped out a huge box he’d just opened. He pulled off the black tank top he was wearing and pulled on a red t-shirt advertising Mr. Zogg’s sex wax.
“These are all mine. He tried to tame this part of me. For graduation he bought me a bunch of new clothes and took me to a salon. He told the stylist I needed to look like the professional accountant that I was.” Julian kicked the empty box, getting angry. “Fuck! I didn’t even realize I was conforming to his resigned ways. I was still trying to figure out the man I was growing into. It was easy to follow his lead and believe some of the core things I loved were childish and that I needed to embrace my adult-self by adapting to his stoic style.”
He sat down on the pile of colorful t-shirts and looked thoughtfully at his friend. On the end of a sigh he said, “Did you know he cheated on me?”
“That asshole! I put up with the douche bag because I figured at least he genuinely loved you.”
“I think he did love me in his own way. And you were right again. I was going to leave him. I wasn’t happy and I hadn’t been for a long time. I desperately want to be loved, to have a home. I confronted him and he said that it was just a fling, saying he was sorry and I was the one he wanted to spend his life with. That hadn’t been the first so-called fling either. It was the one that pushed me over the line. It was almost comical; he’d cheat on me with these little, high maintenance divas. I knew because they’d flaunt themselves to me. Apparently, Grey had no problem telling them all about me. Not that I was a loving partner, but that he was in a serious relationship and needed to blow off some steam.
“God, that last one was this five-foot-two blonde, maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet. He figured out where I worked and caught me as I was leaving the building to demand I treat Grey better, because I was so lucky to have him and to warn me that if I slipped up he’d be the one to catch Grey and love him the way he should be. Can you believe that bullshit?
“I keep replaying him telling me I was his future. That all those little boys were simply him sowing his youthful oats and that he’d love me for the rest of his life. I don’t think he knew how literal the last part was. The following day we found out about the brain tumor. It’s so 1990’s soap opera but true.” Julian leaned his head back on the wall emotionally exhausted from his confession.
“So then, why all these years of grieving?” Sammy asked carefully.
“He was scared in the end. I really saw him. He’d been scared his entire life and postured to hide it. He really did love me, but he was always afraid I was going to leave him. I think he knew I could never really love him in the forever, soul-mate kind of way. He needed me in the end, needed to believe my love ran that deep. Then he died and everyone treated me like this love-broken widow. ‘Oh, Julian’s life partner died, you can never come back from that kind of love. It only happens once in a lifetime,’ and so on and so on. I wasn’t grieving over the relationship I lost when he died, but for the one I never had. Maybe I don’t deserve a man who will love me unconditionally.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Sammy kneeled in front of Julian. “You have to let all of this go: the guilt over Greyson, the hurt and anger of his betrayal and this crazy notation that you don’t deserve to be loved. You have to love yourself. I know I sound like I’m reading an inspirational magnet, but it’s all true. Let’s spend the rest of this weekend rediscovering the Julian I met back in high school and roomed with in college and properly close this chapter of your life?” Sammy stood and offered a hand to Julian. Julian accepted and was pulled into a hug.
Julian had tears in his eyes as he let go. He nodded his head and picked up the first box full of Greyson’s clothes and began walking towards the door.
“Wait! I know the perfect song.” Sammy shuffled through his phone and smiled when he found what he was looking for. The vocals of Boyz 2 Men echoed out of the phone speakers.
“Really?” Julian started laughing, dropped the box and swung an arm over Sammy’s shoulders, forcing him to sway to the beat. When the chorus came up they both belted out ‘It’s soooo, harrrd to say good-byyye to yessssterdaaaay-ayy’. As the song concluded, Julian looked at the boxes holding the remains of Greyson’s life and whispered good-bye.
Julian cleared the emotion from his throat before asking, “Got any Sir Mix A-lot on that thing?”
Sammy laughed and found the requested music. They emptied out the spare room quickly. Surprisingly, they found a large number of the boxes held Julian’s stuff. Apparently, Julian’s subconscious was not as willing as Julian-the-adult-needing-Greyson’s-approval had been to abandon all the fun things he’d loved. And the Julian-now-ready-to-live-his-life-again couldn’t have been happier. It was like opening a treasure chest and rediscovering a lot of what had made Julian the colorful, fun man he had been hiding underneath all the faded black of obligated grief. He was ready to step out of his self-imposed tomb and walk into the sunshine and rainbows of the living, one t-shirt at a time.
The next morning they nursed their ‘ta-kill-ya' hangovers with bacon-vodka Bloody Maries and greasy breakfast burritos. Once Julian was happily stuffed, he noticed he had several missed calls and text messages and they were all from Ro. Shit, he hadn’t said a friend was coming into town or anything more than he couldn’t meet up Ro this weekend and they had been talking everyday for the past couple of weeks. Of course Ro would be worried about him. He quickly dialed the man knowing a text wouldn’t suffice.
“Julian, hey man. Is everything okay? I was getting ready to send out a search party for your ass. I know you said you had stuff this weekend, but it’s been a few days and you haven’t returned any of my texts. I was worried.” Ro answered immediately.
“Yeah, sorry about that. This weekend was kind of rough. I have a friend staying with me. I forgot he was coming into town, so I didn’t think to tell you.”
“Oh, a friend. You could have told me that. After our last phone call I thought you might need some moral support or bail or…” Ro trailed off.
Julian could hear the hurt and uncertainty in Ro’s voice. Ro didn’t deserve to feel bad. “Hey, Sammy really is just a friend. And I’m one lucky son of a bitch that you’re worried about me. Thank you. I totally could have been kidnapped by ninja assassins, good movie by the way, and no one would have thought to rescue me if you hadn’t worried. Sammy leaves in a few days and I’ll fill you in then.” It was on the tip of his tongue to invite Ro to hang out with him and Sammy, except he was still feeling a little raw from last night.
“Sounds good. Talk to you later.” Ro wrapped up the conversation and said goodbye.
“Who was that?” Sammy smirked.
“A friend,” Julian answered vaguely.
“What kind
of friend?” Sammy asked knowingly.
Julian sighed, “A friend that maybe I’d like to turn into the boyfriend kind. Okay? Look, since you’re so pushy about turning me into one of your clients I’ll confess he’s amazing. We’ve been talking for weeks. I guess you could say we’ve been casually dating. You know lunches or coffee, nothing serious. Now maybe that I’m saying goodbye to Grey I can really spend some quality time with him.”
Sammy sat on the couch next his friend, placing his hand on Julian’s shoulder. “I wasn’t trying to pry and I’m not trying to ‘fix’ you, I care about you and want you to move on, to live again.”
“I know. This has been hard. I know it’s time and I am really glad you’re here with me.” Julian meant every word.
“Okay then, tell me all about this friend of yours.” Sammy would never tell anything he heard in confidence, but the guy did love to gossip.
“He’s awesome, even if he won’t tell me what Ro is short for.” Julian laughed. It felt good to talk about him. Ro made him happy. He told Sammy how they met, about Ro’s cat on a leash and how he looked forward to talking with him every night. He even showed him his gross pet sea monkeys; which Sammy found hilarious.
“Sea monkeys, I can’t wait to meet this guy,” Sammy paused before continuing, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you never talked about Greyson like this.”
“I know. Ro is different. He’s lived through some tough times. He humbles me by his selflessness. He’s a breath of fresh air. When I talk to him it’s like the first days of spring, everything is blooming and exciting, like there’s so much to look forward to and you just have to grab hold of it.” Julian continued to share most of what he learned about the man with Sammy.
“It’s awesome to hear you speak so freely.” Sammy got up and started pouring them each another Bloody Mary.
“What are you talking about?”
“Julian, you were one of the most open people I have ever met. You always said what you were thinking and feeling. Then when Greyson came into your life and made you hide your relationship, you stopped talking about the real stuff.”
“No.”
“Yes. It’s like now that you are letting go and choosing to be happy, your true self is remerging.”
“Grieving wasn’t a choice.” Julian defended.
“No. But the isolation was. You haven’t opened up in years. And those years include when Greyson was alive. Doesn’t it feel good to talk about Ro? To admit you enjoy his company instead of just playing down how he makes you feel?”
“Ro deserves to be talked about honestly. He’s a good man.”
“Have you told him that? Does he know where you stand?”
“Hell, I don’t even know where I stand. He’s been so patient. Fuck, I don’t want to lose him, but I’m not ready yet.” Julian hung his head.
“Be honest with him. Talk to him like you talk to me, like how you used to talk to everyone.”
“You’re right. I’ll talk to him.” Julian chewed on the celery stalk in his drink. “So, after we finish purging Grey’s ghost from my apartment, let’s see if we can get tickets to the baseball game this afternoon.”
****
Ro walked into his cousin’s kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee.
“When are you going to buy your own coffee maker?” Vinnie asked.
“Why would I when you always make extra?”
“I have to, otherwise you’ll drink it all and then I’d have to brew another pot.” Vinnie huffed. “Did you at least bring over breakfast?”
Ro motioned towards the cinnamon rolls he’d set down on the counter next to the coffee maker. This was their morning routine more often than not.
“What’s up? You seem down.” Vinnie handed Ro a plate and they each grabbed a gooey cinnamon mass and began eating.
“It’s nothing. I just got off the phone with Julian.”
“Then why aren’t you wearing a goofy ass smile?”
Ro shrugged. “He has a friend staying with him from out of town.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yeah, nice.” Ro didn’t add that he had no idea what kind of friend was visiting, not that it was any of his business. Maybe it was an old family friend or friend from college or ex-boyfriend. He was being paranoid for no reason. So what, they’d talked/texted everyday for weeks and then nothing the last few days. It didn’t mean Julian owed him any explanation or needed to check in with him in any predetermined intervals. Maybe this friend is one of the reasons he wanted to take things slow. Or it could be because of his dead, douchebag ex. Whoa, Ro mentally shook his head to clear out the outrageous thoughts his jealousy was bringing out.
“Hey, stop that. Don’t make assumptions. I can see you working yourself up over nothing. He has an out of town friend visiting. Give them some time to hang out. Why don’t you take some time for yourself. Maybe some radio silence between the two of you will solidify whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing or if it’s just an infatuation and leading nowhere.” Vinnie suggested.
“You’re right. I’ll give him some space and wait for him to make the next move.” Ro sighed doubtfully. He was ready to turn their casual dating into official boyfriend status. “Maybe I’ll call the youth center and see if they need any extra volunteers this week.” Without waiting for a reply he got up and walked into his own home and planned to waste a good hour sulking before making any phone calls.
3. Honesty brings the picture into focus.
It had been two weeks since Sammy’s visit. Julian had spent the time redecorating his home and repopulating his wardrobe. All the boxes filled with his ‘gaudy’ possessions had been pulled out and put to use. Julian spent the time reflecting on who he’d become over the last several years and he wasn’t proud.
Julian rolled over in bed as the morning light peeked through the blinds. The only picture of him and Greyson together looked back at him from the bedside table. Julian got up and took the picture from the table and carried it out to the living room. He set it on the shelf with the rest of his friend/family photos. Leaving the picture behind, Julian walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl filling it with cereal and milk. He chuckled at the box boasting ‘whole grain oats’; thinking they couldn’t possibly balance out the lack of nutritional value from the marshmallow pieces.
Julian glanced at his phone wanting to text Ro that thought. He’d been distant lately while rebuilding himself these last few weeks. Now he felt too guilty to call or even text. Their last call was strained. Ro knew Julian was dealing with something. He didn’t pry but didn’t pretend either. He told Julian to call him when he was ready. That seemed worse than hearing “I never want to hear from you again.” Julian knew he was being a fool. He needed to get his act together and call Ro. He owed him an apology and an explanation before Ro realized Julian wasn’t worth the wait and moved on. Tonight, he decided he’d grovel for forgiveness and see if Ro was still interested in being more than just friends. Julian craved affection, gentle touches that didn’t lead directly to sex. He wanted someone to hold him when he fell asleep at night and he wanted that someone to be Ro.
Julian smiled, feeling lighter with the knowledge that he’d be talking to Ro later in the day. He walked into the storage-room-turned-into-an-office room and sat at his desk. It was littered with whimsical paperweights and knick-knacks. He glanced out the window, smiling at the beauty of the day. He grabbed the camera bag leaning against the side of his desk and pulled out his camera. He cleaned it and checked to make sure he had plenty of film before venturing out into the sunshine.
Julian headed towards the park. Once there he began taking shots of the surrounding building and the way the shadows played through the windows and highlighted the vintage style signs when he spotted his friends, Ollie and Christopher, sitting inside the Caffeinator. They were completely enamored with each other, utterly unaware of the outside world. The Caffeinator’s signature mug sat in front of Ollie, while a white and
black striped mug was held in Christopher’s hands. Julian watched as Christopher abandoned his mug to reach for Ollie. Ollie responded automatically by bringing his hand closer for Christopher to capture. Julian felt like an interloper watching the intimacy between the two lovers. Julian adjusted his camera needing to cement this moment on film.
Ollie tilted his head back in laughter as Christopher played with his fingers. Snap, snap. Everybody should be so lucky as to have a genuine love like that. Julian remembered just months earlier when their budding love was on the line. He was happy when they were able to work things out and have their Christmas miracle. Julian guffawed slightly at his own cheesiness.
Last year Julian had attended Finn and Ryland’s wedding. They were in the same circle of friends as Ollie and now Christopher. The ceremony was small, personal and absolutely heart-warming. Then last Christmas Ollie and Christopher fell in love. Julian was truly happy for his friends, but was beginning to feel like the fifth wheel. Everyone was paired up and Julian’s only date was his grief. It was a dark shadow that had touched everything in his life since Greyson’s death.
Since Sammy’s visit, Julian had been working hard at rebuilding his life to resemble the one before Greyson. He was feeling more confident and happy with each passing day. But he was lonely and he missed Ro. He was ready to settle down with someone who made him happy, someone he could share everything with, someone who wanted to love him as much as Julian wanted to love them. He was determined to bridge the silent gap that had been developing between him and Ro in the last few weeks. Although nervous, he felt excited about his resolve to call out to Ro. Julian turned away from the coffee shop and headed into the park.
He spent the next couple of hours enjoying the beautiful day. He took great appreciation in the bright green leaves of the trees swaying in the gentle breeze and the way the trees lined the sidewalks as if guarding the grassy hills and flowering bushes of the park. Birds pecked at crumbs on the stone picnic tables and dogs ran after Frisbees and the soft laughter of others drifted in seamlessly forming the music of the afternoon. A grumble from his belly reminded him that he’d skipped lunch. Despite not wanting to leave the peaceful place Julian had found, he carefully packed his camera away and headed towards the small corner grocery store a block from his apartment.