Someone Else's Baby

by Someone Else's Baby (retail) (epub)

  The Bounty photographer came round offering to take photos of the twins. I thought what a lovely surprise present it would be for Brenda and Malcolm. She showed me the snaps on the screen of her camera. It took me ages to pick one of the twins side by side, one wrapped in a blue blanket, the other in a pink blanket with matching stripy hats. So perfect. Tears blurred my eyes. I ordered an extra copy for myself.

  There was no one I could talk to about the warm rush of love I felt for them. Perhaps Steve found this as hard as I did. I had an overwhelming urge to hold them in my arms and keep them safe forever. But there was no choice, no going back. I had to begin distancing myself from them emotionally.

  After lunch, the nurse came to tell me that both babies had a touch of jaundice and needed to go under heat lamps. They could stay by my bed, all the equipment would be brought to me. I couldn’t bear to let either of them out of my sight.

  In the afternoon, Steve came back in with Mum and Alice.

  ‘She insisted,’ he mouthed, knowing he couldn’t overrule her. He sat Alice next to me and I hugged her tight. She showed me an indistinguishable picture she’d scribbled of me and the twins. ‘Mamma, baba,’ she said, pointing at it.

  Mum handed me a gift bag.

  ‘Aren’t they adorable?’ Mum cooed. ‘Won’t you reconsider?’

  Here we go. ‘You know that’s not possible, Mum,’ I whispered.

  ‘Aren’t you going to open that?’ Mum perched at the end of the bed.

  ‘You didn’t need to buy anything, they won’t be with me for long.’

  ‘That’s what this is for.’ She pointed at her present.

  Steve took Alice while I ripped open the paper and took out a hand-printing kit.

  ‘Oh, that’s a good idea. Thanks, Mum.’ I kissed her cheek. It was such a thoughtful gift, giving me something of them to treasure. It reminded me that Mum never got this chance with her own babies.

  Malcolm and Brenda appeared at the gap in the curtains, giving me a start. How long had they been standing there? Had they been listening?

  My eyes darted to Mum. I’d been trying to avoid them being here at the same time.

  ‘Come in, come in, congratulations.’ Steve moved Alice over his shoulder and shook Malcolm’s hand, then half hugged Brenda with his free arm.

  Mum stepped backwards to the corner of the small space, her face tight and staring. I took in a breath and held it there, examining each of their faces, hoping Mum wouldn’t say anything awkward.

  ‘Oh my lord, will you look at these two?’ Brenda touched the side of the cot, then came over and hugged me. Malcolm gave me one of his odd little smiles.

  ‘They’ve only just gone to sleep, I’m afraid, and they have to stay under the lamps for as long as possible.’ I wrinkled my nose, anticipating Brenda’s disappointment.

  ‘That’s okay, we’re staying nearby so we can see them every day until they’re ready to come home.’

  I flinched at her comment and hoped no one had noticed. Home. Tears started to well up, but I pressed my nose as though I was about to sneeze and managed to keep them at bay. When was I going to start getting used to the fact that I couldn’t keep them?

  ‘This is my mum, Gloria,’ I beckoned Mum to come closer, but she didn’t move, giving only a hint of a smile that pinged back into a straight line. ‘Meet the new parents, Malcolm and Brenda.’

  ‘Lovely to meet you.’ Brenda held out her hand. Mum offered her a limp-wristed effort. ‘I know this must be so hard for you,’ Brenda said.

  Mum nodded but didn’t utter a word. I was silently grateful. She collected up her bag and coat and slipped away through the gap in the curtains. I let her go. I didn’t call her back, although part of me wanted to. But there was no point. It was too much for her. This was the opposite of what I’d wanted. I’d hoped so much that doing this would bring us closer, but it had only seemed to push us further apart.

  Malcolm loomed in the corner, chatting with Steve, his eyes meeting mine every so often. His chest puffed out, proudly talking about his twins. I’d done this service for him, growing his children. He was the sort of man who was used to getting his own way, paying for what he wanted. A man almost fifty years old having babies with a twenty-four-year-old. In some twisted way, did it feel like a conquest to him? One over on the younger, more handsome Steve?

  At that moment Malcolm turned and stared at me, as if he knew what I was thinking. The hairs on my arms bristled. Steve stood by, completely unaware. I tried to look away, but my eyes kept finding Malcolm’s, even though I did my best to focus on what Brenda was saying to me. Then a smile slid up one side of Malcolm’s face.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  I treasured the time I spent feeding the twins and hated having to put them back under the lamps. Their having jaundice meant I was keeping them with me for longer than expected. Deep down I was pleased to have these extra days with them. I secretly named the boy Robert. He was already beginning to fill out. The girl I named Rose, and she was still the noisiest and hungriest of the two. Both tiny versions of Alice. The shape of their eyes were from me, their noses a bit like Malcolm’s. I’d named them after two of my favourite nurses. Every day I tried to memorise their faces, their tiny distinguishing marks: the tiny freckle on Rose’s ear, the pink birthmark on Robert’s shoulder. I took photos of them in their nappies, together and on their own, wide awake, little fists and feet pumping into the air, then fast asleep wrapped in blankets. I probably wasn’t supposed to, but who would know? They were only for me. For now, they were mine. I needed to make sure I stayed in their lives to reassure them that I loved them.

  I fed one at a time and changed their nappies, chatting quietly to each of them, telling them all about Alice and her favourite toys. Before I put the lamps back on, I held them close to me, one in each arm, and breathed in their warm baby smell. I felt no different to the first hours after Alice was born, when I’d gazed into her eyes and kissed her golden tuft of hair. A rush of love washing through my body. How would I fight the urge to keep them safe under my wing? Would I be able to let them go? I lay them under the lamps side by side and kissed their miniature hands. All the time, I was screaming inside at the little time we had left together.

  Malcolm and Brenda arrived again at lunchtime, carrying two helium balloons in the shape of storks, one carrying a baby boy and the other a baby girl.

  ‘They’re nice.’ I didn’t want to say thank you because the babies were theirs, so the balloons were more for themselves than for me.

  Brenda placed the weights of the floor-length ribbons either side of the cot. She kissed me on both cheeks. Her perfume was different, sweeter. I coughed and pulled back.

  A frown passed over her brow so quickly I wondered if I’d imagined it. She stood by the cot, head tilted. ‘They’re doing so well. Do you know when we’ll be able to take them home?’

  ‘I’m not sure, not till the end of the week at least, I think. They want them to be fully recovered from jaundice and the boy to put on a bit more weight.’ I hoped the doctors didn’t discharge them earlier.

  ‘And what’s happening about the parental transfer document?’ Malcolm asked. He’d barely glanced at the babies, perhaps because they were asleep.

  ‘Steve’s filling our part of it in, that’s why he’s not here yet.’

  Brenda took off her raincoat and folded it neatly at the end of my bed.

  ‘I’m due to feed whichever of them wakes up first, if you want to help?’

  ‘I’d love to.’ Brenda settled on the edge of the bed to watch them.

  ‘Great, I’ll go and sort out their formula.’ I left them watching the sleeping babies while I went in the ward kitchen and took two ready-mixed bottles of milk from the cupboard.

  I could see Malcolm and Brenda through the partition window. Leaving the babies with someone else made my stomach flip over and over. I was all fingers and thumbs screwing the teats to the bottles, while looking up every few seconds, checking that everyth
ing was okay. I didn’t know why I was so worried. It wasn’t as though they would harm them or run off with them. I had to get used to this. A few more days and I’d be handing them over forever. The reality of it winded me. I leaned over the counter choked up, fist to the ache in my chest. The storm building inside me finally broke; tears dropped on my hands. I slipped to my knees, giving in to it, in long heaving sobs.

  When I dragged myself up, I looked through the partition window, but there was no sign of Malcolm and Brenda. My heart leapt to my throat. Where were they? Had they stolen my babies?

  I dragged my sleeve across my eyes and rushed back, my dressing gown billowing behind me in what seemed like slow motion.

  The babies were still tucked up asleep. Malcolm and Brenda were standing at the window, holding hands. What was I thinking? Of course the twins were all right. How could I have thought such a terrible thing? All they were trying to do was memorise these precious moments, take in that they were finally parents. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t blame tiredness. I had to let the babies go, trust that Malcolm and Brenda were going to be the best parents.

  As they turned, the light obscured their faces so they appeared blank. The silence between us was brittle. Someone stepped towards me. The woman who’d come to take my babies and keep them forever. I swayed back and forth and put my hand out to the bed to steady myself. What was happening to me? My heart beat fast enough to burst.

  ‘Are you okay?’ The woman’s lips moved slowly, her face distorted. Her red lipstick had bled into the thin lines around her mouth. As she came closer, all I could see was her skin caked in foundation. Instead of hiding her pores, it showed them up with every criss-cross wrinkle.

  ‘Who are you?’ I asked, my vision blurring. What was I saying? Their frowning eyes fell on each other in a way I couldn’t read. She came up closer to me and held my wrist. I tried to pull away. She spoke so quietly, I couldn’t hear.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Steve shouted, striding into the room. Brenda let go of me and I collapsed in his arms. ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Brenda said, backing up, ‘one minute she was fine, getting milk for the babies and the next—’

  ‘I think you’d better come back tomorrow,’ Steve said.

  I clung to him, sobbing.

  ‘I hope you’re all right, Charlotte. I didn’t mean to…’ Brenda touched my elbow, but I moved my arm away.

  They dipped their heads at each other, picked up their coats and left.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Steve tried to detach me from him. I shook my head. He sat me down on the bed. ‘Tell me slowly what happened.’

  I explained about going for the milk and how I panicked at leaving the twins for the first time and when I looked up I couldn’t see them. ‘I thought they’d gone, taken the babies. But it’s not their fault, they didn’t do anything. I just got so upset.’

  ‘It’s okay.’ He held me and kissed my temple.

  ‘They were standing out of sight at the window. Their faces blanked out by the bright light. I panicked. For a second I didn’t know who they were.’

  ‘You’re tired and anxious about giving up the twins. It’s understandable. Have you spoken to any of the nurses?’

  ‘I don’t want to tell them. I’ve been mostly fine until now.’

  ‘I could ask one of them to come and speak to you?’

  ‘No! I don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘OK, but you need to rest. I’ll do the next feed.’ His leather jacket creaked as he took it off.

  I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling, a bottle of baby milk still gripped in my hand.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  In the afternoon, Malcolm and Brenda stopped by again. Steve was there and helped Brenda hold Rose and give her a feed. I sat on the bed and took long slow breaths to control my anxiety. We’d had a cat once that’d had kittens and, as each one was sold, the mother gave long mournful meows, walking in circles, tail quivering in the air. Now I knew how she’d felt, and the twins hadn’t even left yet.

  ‘You look like an old hand at this, Brenda,’ Steve said, looking round at me, ‘don’t you think?’

  She smiled at us watching her.

  ‘Yeah, a natural.’ As much as it pained me to see her holding my baby, I was grateful for that. How much worse it would be if she found it awkward, or was worried about dropping the baby, like some women did. Malcolm looked mesmerised by his wife feeding their very own daughter. He seemed so much calmer, like something had changed between them for the better. At last they were content. They had the family they’d dreamed of and my heart swelled, knowing that I’d helped them.

  ‘See, it’s all going to be fine,’ Steve whispered, his back to them as he leaned over the bed. He pushed my hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek. I took my hand away from my mouth. God knows how I ever thought this would be straightforward. But they were good people and Brenda was going to be a wonderful mum.

  After they’d gone, Steve sat with me, holding my hands.

  ‘Wasn’t that bad, was it?’

  ‘Not really, I suppose. I just need to get my head around it.’

  ‘I thought you were okay with it now.’

  ‘I am, in theory, but it’s still going to be hard letting go.’ As soon as I was feeling like myself again, I’d try and move on with my life, see about starting college.

  ‘Yeah, I know. It’s weird for me too.’

  ‘Did you go and see Jack?’

  ‘Yeah, he’s doing well. Looking forward to finishing the chemo.’ He stuck his hand in his jacket pocket. ‘I forgot to give you this, it’s from Jean. She sends her love. Says she’ll wait and see you when you come home. And your dad emailed to say he’ll call.’ He passed me an envelope. I ripped it open and read a quote framed by flowers on the front of a card: Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are. Harold S. Kushner. Inside she’d written: Dear Charlotte, I think what you’ve done is extraordinary, I know I couldn’t do it! Take good care of yourself. I’m here if you need anything. Love Jean xx

  ‘That’s kind of her,’ Steve said.

  ‘Yeah, isn’t it lovely.’ I tried not to let myself cry. ‘Has Mum said anything to you?’

  ‘Nah, I drop Alice off, pick her up, she talks about what they’ve done that day, asks how you are and that’s it.’

  ‘We knew she wouldn’t like Malcolm and Brenda. She’d have been the same whoever they were because she’s so dead against the whole thing.’ I closed my eyes. I needed to fix things with Mum. I couldn’t let this come between us. But I didn’t know what to do.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Malcolm and Brenda were already parked outside our flat the day we brought the twins home. The hospital would only release them into our care, as they weren’t aware of the surrogacy. My pulse accelerated as soon as I saw their car. Part of me wanted to grab the steering wheel and drive away.

  We unstrapped a baby each and lifted them out of the car. Malcolm and Brenda came straight over, but I wouldn’t let go of Robert. Steve clocked the look on my face and narrowed his eyes at me.

  ‘Come in,’ he said to them cheerily, carrying Rose in her all-in-one coat.

  ‘How are they?’ Brenda asked, gently pulling Rose’s hood to the side to see her darling face.

  Both twins still had grey-blue eyes, their lashes long like mine. I’d taken my time dressing them both that morning, in the Perfect and Dreamy babygros and dear little stripy cotton hats from the hospital. They’d kicked their legs and made little mewling sounds the whole way through.

  ‘They’re doing so well,’ I said, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.

  ‘And you?’ Brenda touched my elbow. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘I’m… better, thanks.’ I turned away from her. I needed to snap out of this.

  Inside, Steve and I took the twins out of their coats. Steve handed Rose to Brenda and switched the kettle on. />
  ‘Thought we could have this instead?’ Malcolm held up a bottle of bubbly.

  ‘Great. Not sure we’ve got the right sort of glasses though,’ Steve laughed, searching the cupboard, knowing full well we only had tumblers.

  ‘Doesn’t matter, anything will do.’ Brenda’s face was flushed. I imagined mine was a pale shade of grey.

  ‘Here we go.’ Steve switched the kettle off and brought over four small glasses. ‘Paperwork’s all signed for you, just need your signatures and it’ll be ready for the court.’

  ‘We can sort all that out.’ Malcolm popped the cork and poured out the champagne. Rose started to cry. Brenda rocked her backwards and forwards, whispering to her and she soon calmed down.

  ‘You really do have the knack,’ Steve said, downing half his glass. ‘Have you looked after children before?’

  ‘A long, long time ago. I suppose you never lose it.’ Her eyes glistened. ‘I can hardly believe they’re coming home with us.’

  I held onto Robert, smelling his sweet skin, watching his eyelids flicker with dreams. I wished I could hold onto this moment. I’d never be ready to let them go.

  ‘Cheers everyone, especially to you, Charlotte, we’ll always be in your debt.’ Malcolm raised his glass and we all hugged and congratulated each other. ‘It’s incredible that this day has finally come. For us, it’s a miracle.’ He took Brenda’s hand and kissed it. He wiped a tear from his eye with the back of his hand. I was glad to see how much he cared. Such a shame he wasn’t always good at showing it.

  I gazed down at Robert. He opened his eyes and blinked up at me. My breathing quickened. I held him tighter, kissing his face and hands. My mouth opened to tell them to take all the money back, I needed to keep my babies, but no sound came out.

  ‘So, you’ve got your car seats sorted then?’ Steve asked.

  ‘Yes, all ready to go.’ Malcolm topped up our glasses. ‘We’ll bring the final payment once the paperwork is signed off.’ He took the envelope from Steve.