by Liz Botts
The corner of Josh’s mouth quirked up. “Well, maybe not quite,” he admitted. “I might have been doing it to see your reaction. Just a little.”
Despite myself I smiled a bit. “That’s kind of mean,” I said.
“I’m not a saint, Han,” Josh said, his face getting serious. “I just…needed some sign that you still, I don’t know, you were still paying attention.”
“Of course I am. I thought things have been going really well lately.”
Josh laced his fingers together. “You’ve been pretty wrapped up in yourself lately, Hannah. I’m lucky if I’m on the periphery.”
“That isn’t true,” I protested.
“It is,” Josh said with a hard edge to his tone. “And I’m getting really tired of it. We’ve been at this ‘finding yourself’ business for months. Are you any closer to being ‘yourself’ again? I’d love to know so I can get on with my life.”
I flinched. The sarcasm hit me square in the chest. “I thought…I thought…” I trailed off biting the hangnail on my pinky finger. Thoughts burned through my brain. “You seem to be moving on with your life just fine.”
Josh stood up and began to pace along the steps. He stopped near the corner of the building and kicked the wall. “Are you talking about grad school? Because I haven’t made that choice yet. I’ve been waiting on you. And you know what? I missed the acceptance deadline for Center State because I didn’t want to take the chance when things might work out between us. You, Hannah, have always been the biggest, most important factor in my life. Even on this ridiculous break. But I’m losing it here, Han. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to…what?”
A lump of unshed tears formed in my throat making it hard to swallow. Every breath burned, like I had been running for hours. Josh’s words sparked something in me, something that felt a lot like fear.
“What do you want me to say?” I stared up at him, unsure what to think or to feel, but knowing that Josh wasn’t in the same place he had been made me want to throw my arms around him. Instead I hugged my knees and fought for warmth inside his jacket.
Josh shook his head. “I have no idea. Say whatever you want. I’m done. When you have yourself figured out, let me know. I just…I just don’t want to do this back and forth anymore. I think this needs to be it, Hannah. I’m done.”
With that he turned and jogged down the stairs, quickly out of sight around the corner of the building. My heart plummeted to my feet. I wanted to run after him, but I had no idea what to say. Was he right? Had I really shut him out? The fact that he thought I was being selfish stung, like salt in an open wound. It hurt worse because…he was right. These last few months everything had been all about me. Josh had kept living his life even while he waited in my imposed relationship limbo. He’d gotten into grad school, and I’d barely been able to crack a smile for him. I had been so consumed with finding myself that I had lost sight of him.
Finding myself. That’s where all this had started.
Suddenly I felt more confused than ever. I had started out thinking this had all been about sex and regret, but the farther away I got from that moment in time, the more it seemed that I had been too narrowly focused. Everything in my life had been out of focus, and instead of trying to figure it all out, I had turned on the one person who supported me no matter what.
I felt like the proverbial dirt. Lower. Right now all I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and lick my wounds. Sleep would help heal this sick feeling bubbling inside of me. Tomorrow I could figure out what to do with Josh, how to apologize, and how to reconnect.
Instead of turning tail and running home, I dragged myself back into the theater building. I couldn’t leave Max to deal with my tantrum. I had to clean up my own mess. As I started up the stairs, I ran smack into Allison.
“I know why you let me go,” she said, her face a tangle of anger.
I had to look up at her, as she had stopped several steps above me. “Look, I’m sorry about all of this…”
“Don’t bother with the apology,” she interrupted. “I know all about your thing for Josh.”
“Thing?” I asked. “He’s my boyfriend.”
Surprise registered on Allison’s face briefly before she tamped it down. Smugness replaced it. “Yeah, right,” she said. “There is no way the two of you are dating.”
I shrugged. “Believe what you want to. Things are complicated between us.”
Allison smirked. “Whatever. I know he left after you freaked out. He can’t stand you. I saw it with my own eyes.”
“I don’t have the energy for this right now,” I said, moving to walk up the stairs past her.
“Just so you know,” Allison said, catching my arm as I went by. “I’m going to go after Josh.”
My spirits sagged. Josh would never go for her, no matter how mad he was at me. I had complete faith in him. He had reassured me time and again that he loved me. I knew he was waiting for me to straighten myself out, but what if he was serious about being done? What if Allison provided a simple diversion? My head hurt from the implications of all of this. I had never doubted Josh before, but now due to my own choices I might just have pushed him over the edge. Besides that, I had just fired our female lead. Now I was messing up not only my own, but Max’s senior project.
“Do what you need to do,” I muttered, breaking free.
I trudged up the remainder of the stairs and headed down the hall to the rehearsal space. I was in full-blown pity party mode by the time I got there. Max glanced up when I came in. The frown on his face was tempered by the sympathy I could see in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I know I’m messing everything up.”
“Hannah,” Max began. “You have to stop this. You haven’t messed anything up. Not yet. Sure, now we have to find a new leading lady, but we can. We still have the audition sheets from the other girls. But I need you to set aside all the stuff going on in your personal life and try to be professional. This is for both of us. We need this grade to graduate.”
As I slumped down in a nearby desk, I sighed. He was right. I knew he was right. I had to get myself together, but right now I was just too tired. Angela had said something similar a few weeks ago. The fact that my friends were starting to see things about me that I couldn’t worried me.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I’ll fix everything. I will.”
Max crossed the room and pulled me to my feet. He wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug. “I know you will, Hannah,” he said. “Now come on. Luisa and I will treat you to some cheesecake. You can pour out your troubles at Crossroads. And I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Chapter Ten
“I think you should do it,” Max said a week later.
“No. No,” I replied. “I want to direct, not act in my senior project.”
“Blergh,” Max groaned unintelligibly. “Neither of the other girls was any good. Hannah, that one girl couldn’t even remember stage left from stage right. You already know the entire script.”
I opened my binder and studied the cast list. “We could always see if Allison wants to come back.” I winced as I suggested it. No way did I want that girl back, but acting with Josh wasn’t going to work either. We weren’t actually speaking to one another at the moment.
After our fight, Josh had been true to his word. He was done with our drama. I had wanted to apologize dozens of times every day, but he never answered my calls. A nagging doubt tugged at my consciousness too, and I wondered if he had been out with Allison.
“Josh doesn’t want her back,” Max said. “Actually he’s the one who suggested you.”
“He did?” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice.
Max sat down next to me. “He did. I’m not going to get in the middle of your personal stuff, Hannah, but he’d love to act opposite you. From what he tells me the two of you have amazing chemistry onstage.”
I thought back to the first show Josh and I did together in
high school. Our chemistry then had been undeniable, but had it stemmed from the tension of our unrequited love for one another? I decided that no, it hadn’t. Josh and I had done two other shows together and our chemistry had been fantastic.
My resolve began to crack. “I guess I could do it,” I said slowly, the idea growing on me with each word. “I think I can do it.”
“I know you can do it,” Max replied. “And thanks for agreeing. It saved me from having to blackmail you.”
Laughter bubbled up inside of me. Happiness and excitement lit me from within. Maybe there was still a little love of theater left in me after all. Or…maybe I was excited to do something with Josh, something that had brought us together in the first place. If Josh had suggested me, then he couldn’t really be done with me, could he? Hope sparked within me making me giggle a little.
When the other actors arrived, Max sat them all down and announced that I would be taking over the female lead. I noticed a few people exchange what I classified as knowing looks, but Josh caught my eye and nodded his approval. Warmth bloomed in my stomach.
“We also have some special guests coming in tonight to rehearse the end scene. Hannah’s grandmother and some of her friends have graciously agreed to perform their burlesque act. We feel that it will lend a nice air of credibility to the show. So plan to stay a little later tonight so we can get the blocking down,” Max said.
As everyone took their places to start the show from the top, Josh appeared at my side. “I’m glad you decided to do this,” he said, his voice soft and intense.
I dared a little look up at him. He met my gaze with one that never seemed to waver. This man had been my rock since I was a dumb kid, and he was still my rock now that I was a dumb adult. No words adequately could express how I felt at that moment.
The show went on with only minor stops and starts for Max to direct me where I needed to be. I already knew the lines since I had written them. As I got into the character, I wondered if all this time I had really been writing for Josh and me. Saying the things my character said felt cathartic.
“I’m sorry,” I recited from the script. “I never meant to lose sight of you when I went after my dreams. I meant to go after my dreams because of you. I know I’ve made mistakes but I know now that I was wrong. You were never the problem. I made my own choices and I need to stand by them. I’ve always been able to lean on you, and I hope that you feel like you can lean on me. This relationship should have always been a give and take, and it is your turn to take. I want to give my heart to you. I love you.”
My tears fell freely as I confessed my love for him.
Josh’s dark eyes were hooded in the shadows of the stage lights so I couldn’t read the emotion in them, but every once in awhile the light caught him just right and I could have sworn they were shiny with unshed tears. He stepped toward me, cupping my face with one hand, and wrapping his other arm around my back. As he drew me toward him, I could feel his heart racing. Was he as nervous as I was?
I never took my eyes from his, and it felt like the rest of the auditorium melted away until it was just the two of us standing in the soft circle of the spotlight. He leaned down, his lips hovering so close to mine that I could feel the warmth of his breath. My mouth felt dry and my ears started to buzz as I wondered if he would actually follow through and kiss me. When his lips met mine my heart stuttered over itself in joy.
I was flying high by the time the doors of the practice space flew open and Grandma trooped in with her friends. Several members of the cast giggled. From somewhere behind me I heard the sharp inhale of Josh’s breath. Max’s jaw dropped, and he shot me an incredulous glance.
“We have arrived,” Grandma announced. “Be prepared to be dazzled and amazed.”
She led Millie and Ethel to the stage. Each woman wore a sequined leotard with a small skirt made of bedazzled feathers. The faux gemstones made the feathers droop, which gave me an odd feeling of relief. That only lasted for three seconds. Right until the moment Ethel twirled around, and we were treated to the sight of ruffled bloomers under the feathers.
“O…okay,” Max stammered. I had never seen him flustered in the time we had been working together. Not even the night he met Grandma. “Let’s see what you ladies have planned for us.”
“Yes, please take a seat, children so we can teach you what real theater looks like,” Grandma said.
The other actors filed off the stage, but I lingered. Grandma saw me hovering. She approached me with a look of pure seriousness. “Sweetheart,” she said, “I know you are a great actress, but this isn’t something you are ready for. Yet. Someday I promise to teach you the family business.”
I slunk off the stage and sank into a seat between Josh and Max. “Oh my,” I said. “This is going to be…”
Just then the strains to the seventies version of “Lady Marmalade” reverberated through the small rehearsal space. I swallowed the last of my thoughts and laid a hand over my eyes. Peeking out between my fingers, I could see that Grandma and her friends had begun their intricately choreographed routine with what looked like the shuffle-ball-change of a simple tap number. They each held bright pink feather fans behind their backs as they shuffled along in a little line dance.
“This is what they do every Tuesday at the Sugar Bomb?” Josh asked.
I moaned in reply. Humiliation was nothing new when it came to my grandmother. Over the years I had been subjected to more than my fair share of highly sexualized behavior, and ever since she married Duke things had gone into hyper overdrive. This, however, really took the cake.
“There is no way we can allow this in the show,” I said to Max in a low voice.
Grandma and her ensemble now had the fans in front of them. Ethel or Millie, I wasn’t really sure who, tossed a sequined bra into the audience. I sincerely hoped it was a prop. Grandma tossed her bedazzled feather skirt. Now I was pretty sure that these weren’t props. Our grading committee would not approve of this no matter how tongue-in-cheek we presented it. And while this act certainly would add an element to our show that no one in the theater department had ever seen, was I really ready for the total embarrassment and possible failure?
Max leaned over and said, “This will be fantastic, don’t you think? Although you’ll need to ask your grandma to keep her clothes on. They can always use props to get their point across.”
I leaned toward Josh. The warmth of his arm brushed against mine. “She is a trip,” Josh said, his breath warm on my ear.
“This is so embarrassing,” I whispered back.
Josh shook his head. “Nah. She’s great. Obviously the performing gene runs in the family. I can’t believe I’ve never seen her perform before.”
“You could always go to the Sugar Bomb on a Tuesday,” I teased.
“Uh…no thanks,” Josh said with a deep chuckle.
I turned my attention back to the stage where Grandma and her ensemble had just finished their routine by flashing their bloomered behinds at us. My humiliation was officially complete. Applause, loud and vigorous, broke out. The sound echoed around the small practice space. I uncovered my eyes in time to see Max jump up. As he strode toward the stage, I noticed that Grandma was standing there clad only in her sequined bra and bloomers.
Ethel or Millie, whoever had tossed her bra, stood near Grandma, hugging her feathered fans to her body. Strangely, though, she didn’t look uncomfortable. She just looked like she was waiting for her next stage direction.
“I wish I had that kind of confidence.”
I glanced up at the sound of the voice. A girl named Kelly slid into the seat beside me. She had a minor part in the show. She smoothed her short black hair before she smiled at me again. Her smile seemed tight and false for some reason. Maybe it was the way her mouth stretched across her face or something. Regardless I found myself not wanting to trust her words.
“They were great, weren’t they?” Josh asked, leaning into my personal space. He seemed to get the same vi
be from her. From the corner of my eye, I saw Josh flash her the smile that always had girls melting.
“Oh, well, yeah. They were fantastic,” Kelly said, her voice faltering slightly as she spoke.
I bit my lip to hide a smile. Josh had always had the ability to deflect a situation, and make people feel more positive. Gratitude didn’t begin to describe how I felt from being saved from general girl snarkiness. I could criticize Grandma, but that didn’t mean I wanted anyone else too.
Josh squeezed my hand as I moved to get up. I gave him a small smile and mouthed a thank you. He just shrugged, and my pulse picked up. I loved him, and at that moment I felt all the crazy emotions-the newness, the excitement-of falling in love with him again. Things looked a little dizzying as I made my way toward the stage.
“You’ll need to keep your clothes on during the performance, though,” Max said as I joined them on stage.
Grandma frowned. “I don’t know how I feel about that,” she said. “I worry that if we compromise the integrity of our performance, it will affect the overall quality of your show. We don’t want to do that to you.”
I suppressed a laugh. “That’s just a risk we’ll have to take, Grandma. There will likely be kids in the audience.”
Grandma’s frown deepened, causing her face to wrinkle in weird places, like under her lips. “I should hope parents wouldn’t bring their children to a show with this sort of subject matter.”
Shoot. Why did she have to be so astute? She might pretend to be crazy, but the lady knew what was what.
“Just keep your clothes on, and we’ll all be fine,” I said.
With a sniff, Grandma said, “Well, if you feel it will be the best for the performance then fine. Just note that I do so under great duress.” Then she turned toward Ethel and Millie. “Come along, ladies, we must ready ourselves for our next engagement.”
Grandma swept off the stage followed closely by Millie and Ethel, with one of them still hugging the feathered fan. I sure hoped Grandma let them stop at the bathroom to put some clothes on. Despite it being late March the nights were still cold.