In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  “We’re having some problems, but I intend for us to work them out,” I said.

  “I hope you don’t. And if you don’t, you know where to find me.”

  He walked away, leaving me in awe and flattered by the attention he was giving me. I watched him in action that night, unsure about hooking up. He had many chicks flocking to him, and it was obvious that he was just as much trouble as Dwayne was. No doubt, I was attracted to bad boys with confidence.

  When we got home that night, Mama was tripping. She was yelling about me not giving her any money and about us staying out late at night. My checks were so skimpy and they were barely enough to buy the twins things they needed. I wasn’t up for arguing with Mama again, and lately, she’d been on a rampage. She was yelling so loud that she woke up the twins and they started crying. That always made me angry, and as we spewed harsh words back and forth, she knew exactly how to get me where it hurt.

  “That’s why that nigga Omar left your ass! You need to get your smart mouth together or you and your babies can get the hell out of here!”

  I kept my emotions intact. Bringing up Omar’s name infuriated me. “And what did Daddy do to you, Mama? He left you too, didn’t he? You have some nerve talking about me, and if you want me to get out of your house, I will!”

  I guess I’d touched a nerve with her too. Mama rushed over to my closet, pulling clothes off the hangers and throwing them on the floor. “Get out of here, Brenda! Now! I don’t give a damn where you and your babies go! Just get out of my house!”

  Jesse tried to calm the situation, but Mama gave her an evil stare, ordering her out of the house too.

  “This is uncalled for,” Jesse shouted. “It’s raining outside and we don’t have no place to go with the twins.”

  Mama kept tossing out the clothes in the closet, making it clear that she wanted us to leave. According to her, she’d had enough of the lies, and coming and going as we pleased was a no-no.

  “After all I’ve done for you, Brenda, this is the thanks I get. I am done trying to help you and I want to see you make it on your own!”

  Jesse put one of the twins in her arms and I did the other. I realized just how right Mama was. I had to figure out a way to make it on my own, because the entire situation with Mama was draining. She was wishy-washy, and I could never figure out what she really expected of me.

  As Jesse and I walked up the partially lit street with the twins, who were only ten months old at the time, the heavy rain poured on us and gusty wind slapped our faces, blowing us around like ragdolls. We’d had one flimsy umbrella, and when that blew away, I shielded my face with my hand. The twins shivering bodies were held close to our chests, tightly wrapped in pink blankets. I wanted to get as far away from Mama as I could and I had gotten so sick and tired of her threats. They became a reality, leaving us with no place to go.

  Like the last time Mama had put us out, we stayed at Dana’s house. Her mother felt sorry for us with the twins, but she was adamant that we couldn’t stay another night. Since Shantell had an apartment off Lindell Blvd., I called to see if we could stay with her. Luckily, she agreed.

  For two weeks, our lives were a living hell. I escaped some of my pain through writing in my notebooks: Back in the streets again. Damn! This time I got my babies with me and it hurts like hell not to be able to keep a roof over their heads. One of my babies is sick, too, and she’s been coughing all day. All I do is keep holding her in my arms and rocking her. But she keeps looking up at me as if I’m so pitiful. Am I really pitiful? I’m trying my best, but it just don’t seem good enough. I wanna go back home. Maybe I shouldn’t have said those things to Mama, but she made me so mad, talking about that fool Omar. I bet he ain’t homeless like I am, but forget him. If I keep harping on him, I’ll never get ahead. Never …

  I was so frustrated with my situation. Shantell had a one bedroom apartment and there were eight of us living there. She had a crazy-ass boyfriend who she often had arguments with, and the foolishness between them lasted many times throughout the night. Her kids were screaming at the top of their lungs and so were mine. Her boyfriend had started to make advances towards Jesse and I the whole time we were there, and when Jesse told Shantell about his actions, she got angry. Not with him, but with us. I was so ready to go back home. Sleeping on her hard living room floor with Jesse, the twins and roaches wasn’t cutting it.

  I still managed to talk to Dwayne sometimes, but it was hard to keep in touch with him because I didn’t have a phone. And as for Miles, he’d been assigned to another store, so I rarely saw him at all. Dwayne had become so close to me and the twins, he suggested that we get an apartment together.

  “We need to get our own place,” he said. “That way you don’t have to deal with no bullshit from yo mama.”

  “Jesse and I have been looking for one, but the ones we like are too expensive. I put my name on the emergency housing list, so I hope to hear from them soon.”

  “I hope so too. I love you, girl, so keep yo head up.”

  Lord knows I was trying, but I didn’t see this situation getting better. And after two more days with Shantell, finally, I called Mama.

  “How my babies doing?” she asked.

  My voice cracked. “O…okay. I can tell they miss their baby beds, but we’ll be okay.”

  “You don’t sound okay. And if you, Jesse and the twins want to come back home, y’all can. Just promise me that you’ll find you and the twins a nice place to stay, and until then, you’ll give me some money to help out. I can’t do this all by myself, Brenda. It’s a lot on me, and, sometimes, I don’t think you understand just how much.”

  I swallowed hard, thinking about what Mama had said. I knew she’d had a lot on her, I just wished that she wouldn’t say some of the mean things that she’d said to me about Omar. And making drastic decisions that affected the twins wasn’t right. I already didn’t have my head on straight, but I felt as if I was trying. Mama didn’t seem to appreciate my efforts, and I wasn’t sure if they would ever be good enough for her.

  “I promise to do better, Mama, and I’m sorry for saying what I did to you.”

  There was a pause, and then she spoke up. “Then come on home. Bring my babies and Jesse home with you.”

  Hearing Mama say that was like music to my ears. We quickly packed our belongings and left! No thanks to Shantell, no I’ll call you later, no nothing! We got the fuck out of there!

  Mama seemed glad to see us, more so the twins. She didn’t apologize for kicking us out, but you could always tell when she felt bad behind her actions. I was just glad to be home, and more than anything, I was delighted the twins were back in their own beds, resting peacefully. At least they were at peace. And as things slowly but surely got back to what was considered normal to me, I wasn’t exactly sure what a peaceful life consisted of. Normal in my book included occasional arguments with Dwayne, being yelled at by Mama, working my part-time job that wasn’t paying much, and being a half-ass mother to the twins. No doubt, something had to give, because I was starting to feel as if I were losing it.

  Chapter Nine

  Dwayne was rarely at home when I called, and when I’d spoken to one of his friend’s girlfriend, Pat, she mentioned that Dwayne had been involved with a chick named Nikki. With all that had been going on with me, our relationship was strained, but he often found time to stop by and have sex with me. He’d spend time with the twins, too, and we talked about getting an apartment together. To him, the problem was sneaking into Mama’s house while she was at work, and simply put, we needed to hurry up and get our own place. With or without him, I was all for getting my own place, but the news about Nikki shocked me. I was sick to my stomach and rushed to the bathroom, hugging the toilet as I vomited. A horrible thought came to mind—What if I was pregnant, again? Couldn’t be, I thought. Not again!

  Later that day, I took a pregnancy test. When I lifted the white tube-like instrument, a plus sign was revealed. We had celebrated the twins first
birthday several months ago, and I was already pregnant again! I knew Dwayne would want to keep the baby because he seemed so good with the twins. But being an eighteen year old, with three babies just wasn’t going to cut it.

  Upset about the direction my life was headed, I had to find Dwayne so we could talk. He was the only person I could turn to, and even though Jesse and I were always close, I refused to tell her my secret. I drove around to some of Dwayne’s hangouts but had no luck with finding him. My luck changed almost an hour later, when I spotted his car parked in front of a friend of his house on Cora Avenue. As I got closer, I noticed a female sitting on the back seat. I couldn’t wait to see who my competition was and I could feel my blood boiling. My eyes turned to numerous of his friends standing on a porch, and when one of them noticed my car, he rushed down the steps to alert Dwayne.

  By that time, it was already too late. My car was parked next to his, and in the back seat with Dwayne was the chick I assumed to be Nikki. I moved quick, jumping out of my car to get to Dwayne. Nikki hurried out of the back seat and I rushed inside fist first to slam my fist into Dwayne’s jaw.

  “You son of a bitch,” I yelled while swinging wildly. Dwayne covered his face to protect it, and his friend grabbed my waist, pulling me from the car. He held my arms behind my back, doing his best to restrain me.

  Dwayne grinned, displaying his new open-faced gold teeth. “You a bold ass bitch, Brenda. I would fuck you up for hittin’ me in front of my boys, but you played yourself.”

  I maneuvered myself away from his friend’s grip. “Fuck you! Go to hell, you liar!”

  He threw his hand back at me, and ordered Nikki into the car so they could leave. I grabbed Dwayne’s arm as he moved from the back seat to the front.

  “What’s up with you?” I asked. I held back my tears because I didn’t want him to see the hurt he’d caused me. “Why do you keep on doing this shit? Haven’t you hurt me enough?”

  He snatched his arm away from me, and spoke sternly. “It’s a done deal. We’re finished, au’ight?”

  I was stunned by his words. This couldn’t be the same person who had told me he loved me and wanted us to get an apartment together, was it? What kind of game was he playing? I swallowed the enormous lump in my throat. “We can’t be over because I’m pregnant. I just found out today and I don’t want to do this shit by myself again.”

  I watched as Nikki folded her arms and cleared her throat. Everybody waited for a response from Dwayne, and his friends giggled, as if they got a kick out of the whole ordeal. Dwayne’s words stung.

  “If you’re pregnant, the baby for damn sure ain’t mine. You’d better find somebody else to put the blame—”

  What? Not him too! The one who dogged Omar for not taking care of his responsibilities. The only one I’d had sex with on demand, when, where or however he wanted it, even in a car while parked next to a church! The one who claimed to love me so much and would do anything in the world for me and my kids! No, Dwayne was not sitting there rejecting me and this baby, was he?

  I’d lost it. Dwayne was so good at bringing out this rage inside of me. I wanted to kill him for how badly he’d treated me, and he was so different when we were together alone. My fist tightened, again, but before I could take action, he slammed his car door shut and started his car. I hurried to mine, retrieving a jack handle from the trunk. As he drove off, I threw the jack handle and it slammed against the trunk of his car. I had hoped to shatter the glass, but a dent in his trunk was fine with me. I swiped my hands together, feeling a tiny bit satisfied, but I knew that satisfaction wouldn’t last for long.

  By the time I got home, I was a mess. I called the abortion clinic to find out how much it would cost to end my pregnancy and the lady asked me to make an appointment so we could talk. Talk about what, I thought. There was no way in hell I was going to have another baby, especially by a no-good fool like Dwayne. As soon as I got my finances together, I planned to take care of my situation. Jesse asked me what was wrong with me that day, but I refused to tell her. She had met this dude at the skating rink named Anthony, and he was very good to her. He was a manager at Kentucky Fried Chicken, he drove a red sports car and treated Jesse with much respect. I wished for someone positive in my life like Anthony, and in my book, Jesse was lucky.

  ***

  “Dwayne is using you, Brenda,” Miles said over the phone as I discussed my problems with him. “I’m not just saying that because I’m digging you, but you need to remove yourself from that relationship. Besides, if a man doesn’t want to be with you, you can’t make him.”

  I listened to every word Miles had said, but defended my situation. “I thought he truly loved me. He’s always been there for me and my kids. I just don’t understand why he keeps doing this kind of stuff to me.”

  “Shit, I know why, but do you need a rocket scientist to figure it out for you? It’s because you let him. He likes all that fuck-me, fight-me shit and most niggas do. You’d better be careful messing around with that brotha and I’m gon’ need for you to wise up. Don’t let no man treat you that way. You’re a nice gal, Brenda, and you deserve better.”

  Miles was an older man telling it like it was, whether I wanted to hear it or not. I agreed with most of what he’d said, but it still didn’t stop me from wanting to be with Dwayne. I knew he’d done me wrong, but I still felt that he cared deeply for me. He wouldn’t tell me that he loved me without really meaning it, and for whatever reason, I trusted his word.

  His next attempt to show me he cared came at three o’clock one morning. There was a knock at my bedroom window and I was sitting in bed with the nightlight on, writing in my notebook. I was scared to look out to see who it was and so was Jesse. Then all of a sudden, a whisper came through the window, “Brenda...Brenda.” I jumped up to see who it was and it was Dwayne.

  “Come outside,” he said.

  “For what?” I whispered, attempting not to wake Mama.

  “So I can talk to you.”

  Jesse whispered, “Would you go outside and talk to him before Mama wakes up. You know she’ll clown, and so will he if you don’t go.”

  Before going outside, I combed my hair back and slid on my Tweety Bird house shoes that matched my pajamas. I tip-toed past Mama’s room and she was snoring loudly. As I opened the door, Dwayne stood on the porch with his hands in his pockets, head hanging low.

  “Ay,” he said. “I’ve had time to think about what I’ve done to you. I came here to let you know that I do care about us. I want to be with you and my baby. Me and Nikki—things didn’t work out. I told her I wanted to be with you, but she just wouldn’t leave me alone. Honestly, I didn’t know what was up with you and Miles, and when you told me about the baby, I wasn’t sure—”

  “Well, I’m sure. I told you that I hadn’t had sex with him and you knew it. You’re making excuses, Dwayne, and this time, I can’t forgive you.”

  Sadness covered his face and tears rushed to his eyes. I couldn’t believe he was standing there getting ready to cry over me! Wow, the moment was touching. “Baby, you’re all I got,” he said. “I love you so much…but I don’t know why I keep doin’ this stupid shit. Maybe I need to go to church and confess my sins to a priest and ask for forgiveness. I’ll do whatever you want me to do and you can go with me.”

  Honestly, at the time, I was moved. Maybe going to church would help a man to be faithful. I wasn’t sure, but there was no doubt in my mind whatsoever that this was some crazy shit! “No, I’m not going to church with you. The only place we’re going together is to the abortion clinic so I can terminate this pregnancy. Goodbye, Dwayne, and let me know if you have time to go with me.” I went back into the house, closing the door behind me.

  The day of my appointment, I was numb. I felt terrible for what I was about to do, but I felt as if I didn’t have a choice. Mama had been doing all that she could do for the family, and so had Jesse. My paychecks weren’t much, and Daddy had been chipping in to help out as well. I had
already felt like a disgrace to the family and no one was about to tolerate another baby in the house. So, whether I liked it or not, this had to be done.

  Dwayne told me that if I wanted to end the pregnancy, the choice was mine. He stressed how much he wanted me to have the baby, but agreed to go to the clinic with me. He was supposed to pick me up at eight o’clock that morning, but was a no show. I called his home phone several times but no one answered. My appointment was at 9:30 a.m., and since our car needed a new alternator, I hitched a ride on the bus.

  I arrived at the clinic on Euclid an hour late, but they were still able to fit me in. And after hours of consultation and pure deep hell, the pregnancy was ended. I hated that I kept finding myself in these situations and I didn’t understand why it was so hard for me to “wise up.” Deep down, I wanted to get on the right track, but I didn’t know how to go about changing things around. I could always envision the “good life” but getting there was so difficult. My pace was slow, so slow that there were times when I just wanted to give up on life and throw in the towel.

  While waiting for the bus, I dabbed my eyes with Kleenex. I wanted to hurt myself for being so stupid. It would serve me right for what I had just done to my baby. I wasn’t even smart enough to make Dwayne use a condom, and why hadn’t I learned my lesson after having the twins? I was depressed…stressed more like it. Many teenagers weren’t dealing with this kind of shit and I felt as if the devil had a tight grip on me.