In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  When the bus arrived, I sat next to a White man who carried a piss smell that burned my nose and gave me a headache. I was already sick to my stomach, so in an effort to avoid him, I turned my head towards the window. I thought hard about my on-and, off-again relationship with Dwayne, and I knew we couldn’t go on like this forever. I was fooling myself if I thought things would ever work out for us, and it was so obvious that he didn’t give two cents about me. Why I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t explain it.

  As those thoughts swam in my head, the bus came to a stop at the corner of Kingshighway and Natural Bridge, which was only a few blocks away from Dwayne’s house. I looked at the cars beside the bus, and his car was two lanes over beside it. Inside was Dwayne, his friend Lester, and two chicks I had never seen before. The loud music coming from the speakers had his entire car vibrating and everyone inside was full of smiles and laughter. I watched as his car made a right turn, pulling into The Carousel Motel. If that wasn’t my wake-up call, I didn’t know what else would be.

  Chapter Ten

  For a while, it was all about work for me. I had picked up more hours at Grandpa Pigeons, trying to put as much money in my pockets as I could. I had also been allowing Jesse and Mama to come through my line to get things for free, and they always left with a cartful of merchandise. During those times I was extremely nervous, but not as nervous as I was when I was stealing clothes, shoes…items for the twins at Target and Venture. I would carry my items into the dressing room, stuffing my purse, as well as my body with the things I needed, or should I say, wanted. Sometimes, I’d take the items back to get cash, so it was rare for me not to have any money in my pocket. This was my hustle and I was getting what I wanted anyway I could.

  I was still getting food-stamps, and they helped out with buying groceries. For months, this is how I was going about “changing” my life, and I was so bad at running from one relationship to another. I felt as if I needed someone in my life to feel complete. This time, Miles was the one who filled that void, because after my abortion, Dwayne was out again. Since Jesse’s boyfriend Anthony, and his friends, spent a lot of time at Skate King, so did we. Seeing Miles at the rink brought us closer together and there became a time when I gave in to his advances.

  “I ain’t seen you in a while,” he said whispering in my ear as I stood by the concession stand. “Why don’t you go home with me tonight?”

  I cocked my head back, not really shocked by his offer and smiling. “Tonight?”

  “Yes, tonight.”

  “And what’s at your house, tonight?”

  Like always, he was blunt. “You, me, a bed, sex—”

  “Hold that thought,” I said, putting up one finger. “I’ll let you know before we leave.”

  “Alright, Brenda. Don’t play me. I know you’re a bull-shitter and a dick teaser too.”

  I laughed and couldn’t agree with Miles more. I was known for being flirtatious, but many times it would go no further than that. The truth…I was afraid of having sex with Miles. I was still very inexperienced, and often thought that my inexperience was Dwayne’s reasoning for being with others. Maybe I was being too hard on myself, but if I couldn’t please Dwayne sexually, I knew there was no way in hell I could please Miles.

  Skate King was getting ready to close and Miles and a few other security guards were patrolling the parking lot. Cars were crammed everywhere. This was, no doubt, the place to be on Tuesday nights. Getting his attention, I told him I was going to walk Jesse and my friends to our car and would be back so we could go to his house. He was delighted, and on the way to our car, we started looking around for Loretta but couldn’t find her. All of a sudden, screams rang out and we saw Loretta’s ex-boyfriend’s car smash into the back of another car. Loretta was inside, pounding the hell out of him and his new girlfriend with a skate that she’d had in her hand. We rushed over to stop her, but she was so enraged and couldn’t be stopped.

  Blood was all over the chick’s face in the back of the car and her ex-boyfriend was taking punches at Loretta, trying to get her to back off. None of his punches stalled her, not even a hard blow to her face that made me cringe.

  “Come on, Loretta,” I shouted, trying to pull her away from the car. “He ain’t worth all of this!”

  I had my nerve. Her situation took me right back to my encounter with Dwayne and his girlfriend in the car. Loretta was getting it in, though, and it took Miles and several other guards to restrain her. But by then, friends of the girl in the car had come over to help. I had never seen a posse of women look so rough, but looks didn’t mean shit, especially when you were put into a position where you had to fight for your life. My fists went up, and as two of the chicks started to pound on me, I swung wildly, trying to land punches wherever I could.

  One of the chicks had her fingers tightened in my long hair, yanking the mess out of it. “Bitch,” she yelled, trying to kick me in my side. “I can’t stand yo high-yellow ass!”

  Now, what I ever did to her, don’t know, but I did my best to stay on my feet. I was pulling hair too, and many of my punches landed where I wanted them to. One of the big Amazon-looking chicks lifted her skate in mid-air and was about to come crashing down on my head with it. I thought it was all over with for me, but Miles came out of nowhere, catching the skate and knocking the chick to the ground.

  “If you get up and start fighting again,” he yelled. “I will have your ass locked up!”

  The chick on the ground didn’t move, and me and the other one backed away from each other with heaving chests. She had scratches on her face, and so did I. My head was hurting from my hair being pulled so tight, and I tasted blood in my mouth. I wiped it and looked around for Jesse, who I’d seen fighting as well. I hoped like hell she was winning. I spotted Jesse coming near us with a gun in her hand. It was a toy gun that we kept underneath the seat, just to scare people off. The gun, however, looked very real, causing pandemonium to erupt. People were running all over the place, and Miles rushed up to Jesse, yelling for her to put the gun away.

  “Now!” he said through gritted teeth. “Put it away now!”

  I ran up from behind, telling him that the gun was fake. I didn’t want Jesse being arrested, or shot at, and I knew it was her way of scaring the chicks and getting them off our backs. Miles snatched the toy gun, observed it, and then threw it far across the parking lot.

  “Get off my parking lot,” he said in a more calm tone. “Are y’all fucking crazy? You can get killed out here tripping like this.”

  No doubt, it was a messed up situation. We were lucky that night, and as the parking lot cleared, my friends and I sat in the car talking about the incident. We shook our heads at Loretta for kicking the shit off to begin with.

  “I couldn’t help it,” she said, putting her earrings back into her earlobes. “Seeing him with that bitch made me mad. I had to show that nigga what was up!”

  “You definitely showed him that,” I said. “And I guess you showed her too.”

  I slid my hand across Loretta’s, giving her props for handling her business. As we laughed, we watched Miles striding and strutting as he walked up to the car. He squatted beside my window and looked inside.

  “Are you still going home with me, or are you going to stay out here all night, looking for more trouble?”

  I wanted to go with Miles, but contemplated because I wanted to go to Anthony’s house too. His house was the hang-out crib after the skating rink let out, and we always had a lot of fun.

  “Gone and go,” Loretta said, playfully shoving my shoulder. “You know you want to go and get some tonight, girl. You can get some for all of us. Besides, that man saved your life. You owe him something, so stop being so stingy.”

  “Tell her, baby,” Miles said, agreeing. “Just a little something and I promise to be good to you.”

  I hesitated, but put my hand on the doorknob and got out of the car. I walked to Miles’ car with him, nervous about what might happen when we got to his p
lace. While in the car, he told me to stay away from the rink for a while and ordered me not to come back until matters cooled down. He knew many of the chicks we disputed with, and assured me that coming back would mean trouble.

  “Those chicks will hurt you, Brenda, and you got them babies to see about. I don’t want you out here fighting like that, and why do you have so much anger inside of you? Life couldn’t be that bad, could it?”

  He just didn’t know. Yes, I did feel bad that I was the twins’ mama and I was out there clowning like I was. But what was I supposed to do…fall to the ground and get my ass beat? Miles made me feel real bad, so bad, that I sat in silence until we reached, not his house, but his apartment on Chambers Road.

  When we entered his apartment, he mentioned that he had not too long ago moved in. The apartment had very little furniture inside; a sofa against one wall with a picture of a man playing a saxophone above it. A wooden rectangular table sat in front of the couch and two end tables sat on each side. Beige carpet covered the floors and a sliding door led to a balcony. Miles went to the tiny kitchen to get a beer from the fridge and he offered me one.

  “It might help you out later,” he said, laughing.

  I didn’t understand how a beer could help me later, so I declined. Miles guzzled down his beer, and then turned his stereo on to some soft music. I kept thinking about our age difference, and the thought of getting pregnant, again, was on my mind. The abortion clinic had provided birth control pills, but since I’d discontinued sex with Dwayne, I didn’t think I’d need them.

  I rubbed my sweaty hands on my jeans, and told Miles how much I appreciated him intervening with my fight at the skating rink. “I owe you big time,” I said. Miles sat close to me on the couch, making me even more nervous. “You saved my life by stopping that skate from busting me upside my head.”

  He laughed and snapped his finger. “You do owe me, and I expect for you to one day pay up. But all I was doing was my job. I wasn’t about to let nobody mess up that pretty face.”

  I blushed as he swiped his finger along the side of my face. He always knew how to say the right things to me.

  “Actually,” he said removing his blue uniform shirt. “Your sister Jesse saved y’all by pulling out that fake-ass gun. It was a stupid thing to do, and promise me you’ll never do anything like that again.”

  “You threw it somewhere, so I guess that’s a promise I can keep.”

  “I hope so.” He leaned back on the couch, and put his hands on his head to rub his flowing waves. “Sooo, Brenda, getting back to me saving your life. What are you prepared to offer the man who saved your life?”

  I shrugged. “It depends on what the man wants?”

  Miles patted his lap, inviting me to straddle it. “I’ll tell you what I want in a minute, but for now, I want you on top of me.”

  He scooted down a bit and I lifted my leg to straddle his lap. I could feel his hardness pressing between my legs, immediately knowing and feeling that I was in deep trouble. Instead of telling me what he wanted, he pulled my face to his, sticking his tongue down my throat. I backed up, certainly not ready for such an intense kiss. Miles paused and stared at me with his narrowed dark brown eyes.

  “Stand up, Brenda, and take off your clothes.”

  “Do what?” I’d heard him, but I was known for stalling.

  “I said take off your clothes for me. I want to watch you undress.”

  I hadn’t gotten naked in front of anyone, including Dwayne. I was kind of ashamed of my flabby midriff, which resulted from having twins. More than anything, I knew that standing naked in front of any man would be very uncomfortable for me. There were no sheets around to cover up and the bright lamp in the living room was giving off way too much light.

  “Miles, honestly, I don’t feel comfortable taking off my clothes in front—”

  He interrupted. “Why not? You sexy as hell and you don’t have nothing to be ashamed of. I need to see what you’re working with, cause I don’t stick my dick into nothing, unless I see it first.”

  “But I…”

  He seemed irritated, and reached over to turn off the lamp. There was still a sliver of light coming in from the sliding doors, and the room was in no way pitch black how I preferred it. “There,” he said. “Don’t be afraid to show your body to me. If it makes you feel better, I’ll get naked with you, all right?”

  I got up enough courage to stand in front of Miles. I kicked my shoes to the side, and then removed my Nike sweatshirt and white lace bra that secured my healthy breasts. Miles smiled, and as his eyes narrowed more, he focused on me like a laser. I dropped my pants and black silk panties to my ankles, giving Miles exactly what he wanted. “Are you happy now?” I asked while holding my crossed arms against my chest.

  At first, Miles didn’t say anything. He sat observing my body, with his index finger pressed against the side of his face. “Brenda, you haven’t had much experience, have you? I have a feeling that you’ve been giving the pussy away, but haven’t been completely satisfied. Why you out here wasting time with these chumps who don’t know how to please you? Or, haven’t shown you how to please them?”

  I shrugged again, curious as to how Miles could read me so well. “Why do you say that? What makes you think I’m so inexperienced?”

  “By how long it took you to take off your clothes. I was about to fall asleep waiting for you. Then, you’re crossing your arms in front of you and won’t even let me see all of you. There’s absolutely no gap between your legs, which means that your boyfriend ain’t been hitting that pussy like he’s supposed to, and neither has anyone else. Relax, though. I can give you just what the doctor ordered, but I want to make sure you’re ready for this.”

  I wasn’t sure if I was ready or not, but when Miles removed every stitch of his clothing, my eyes fell below his waist. I went into a trance, admiring his nicely cut abs, bulging muscles, and…I had never seen a man’s dick so big! It was too big, especially for a man who was about six feet tall and weighed less than two-hundred pounds. Just who in the hell did he think he was going to stick that thing inside of? I thought. It had to be at least twelve inches long, and I didn’t think a dick that size existed. I sat back on the couch, biting my nails one by one.

  Miles dropped to his knees and eased his naked body between my legs. “Have you ever had oral sex before?” he asked, lightly squeezing my thighs.

  My face scrunched up. “Oral what?”

  “Your pussy sucked. Has a man ever sucked your pussy or have you ever sucked him?”

  Honestly, I was left scratching my head.

  Miles shook his head in disbelief. “I’m about to teach you some things that every woman your age should know about. Don’t interrupt me, but if you want me to stop, I will.”

  Miles stretched a condom over his growing muscle and he directed me to pour my legs over his shoulders. He dove in face first, using his tongue to open my slit and tickle my furrows. As his tongue went deeper, my stomach moved around like waves in an ocean. I tried to back away from the tingly feeling that had me trembling all over. My body felt weak and my hands were balled in tight fists. He was giving me something I’d never had before, and simply put, that was pleasure. I had no idea that being with a man could make me get goose bumps all over, and he was definitely teaching me something new.

  “Come for me, baby. I won’t be satisfied until this pussy talks to me like I want it to.”

  My orgasm wouldn’t come, so Miles changed positions. He lay back on the floor, inviting me to get on top of him. I did, but when he positioned himself to enter me, I wanted to jump up and run. The size of his muscle was way more than what I could handle and I was only able to ease midway down on it. I remained stiff as a board, fearing that he would bust my insides wide open.

  “Relax,” he suggested while guiding my hips. “You got to move those hips, baby. Don’t just sit there and let me do the work. Put some effort into this. Show me what good sex feels like.”

 
I had flashbacks of every single sexual encounter I’d had. Many times, I’d be looking up at the ceiling, wondering what in the hell I was doing. I’d just lay there with my legs wide open, wanting and hoping that the person I was with was satisfied. That it was enough for that person to like me, and he’d fall in love because I gave him the one thing he wanted…a nut.

  Miles wanted more than just a nut, and for what seemed like hours, he worked his over-sized goodness inside of me, teaching me the ropes. He spewed nasty and freaky words to me, all of which made me step up my performance. I was shocked by his aggressiveness, and from one position to the next, he had turned me completely out. “Lay on your stomach…get on your knees…straddle my face…suck me here,” he ordered. I had honored his wishes, and as we lay in a 69 position on the floor, I couldn’t believe that sex could ever feel this satisfying. He calmed my shaky legs, by taking pecks on them and on my inner thighs.

  “Your legs soft as hell. I’m going to enjoy making you mine. In the meantime,” he said, lightly smacking my butt. “Turn dat ass over again and let me hit that mutha from behind. I need to punish you for making me wait for as long as you have.”

  I smiled, getting ready to position myself. “What can I say, other than I was tripping. Never again.”

  “Let’s hope not,” he replied, as we continued on throughout the night.

  As soon as I got home, I filled my notebook with my experience with Miles: Wow!! That’s what I’m talking about! Never knew a dick could feel that good inside of me. It was the first time that I didn’t stare at the ceiling and Miles made me feel like a woman. The only thing I ever rode in was a car, but the way he showed me to ride him, umph, umph, umph! I felt his big thang deep in my stomach and how did I get so wet? His tongue made me wet and that thing was so far up in me I wanted to scream! My nipples tingled when he touched them and I liked the way he massaged my breasts together. I can’t believe, though, that I put my mouth on his manhood. Didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I liked how my licks made him smile. Mr. Miles is a keeper and I hope he asks me to be his girlfriend because I would do so in a heartbeat. He is mine…all mine…