In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  I was taken aback by Miles’ sharp tone and it upset me. He sure as hell knew how to make me feel like shit and his words always stung. Yes, I was immature, but he was the one messing with a nineteen year old who just didn’t have it all together. “Losing my job wasn’t a big deal. I’ll just have to find another one and you don’t need to worry about my kids. They’re taken care of and they will always be taken care of. Besides, I didn’t call to get a lecture from you. I called to see how things were going with you.”

  “Like always, I’m good, baby. I gotta call you back, though.”

  “You’re not going to call me back and you know it. Are you working at the skating rink on Tuesday?”

  “Maybe, but I don’t want to see you there. You’re too much trouble, Brenda, and I’ve had enough.”

  I held the phone in my hand, listening to the dial tone. Miles was tripping. He was in major control of what was going on between us and I didn’t like it one bit. On Tuesday, I was going to the skating rink to give that sucker a piece of my mind.

  Tuesday came fast, and not only did I give Miles a piece of my mind, but I also gave him a piece of something else—Me. I’d written him a letter about him being such a dog and a loser, but I reminded myself to tear the letter up, as we sat in the front seat of his rocking car, having sex. I was straddled on top of him, delivering all the pleasure that he’d taught me. His head was dropped back on the headrest and his eyes were closed tight. I made sure he regretted every negative word that he’d said to me.

  “Brenda, I loooove doing this shit with you,” he moaned. “You confuse the hell out of me with yo wanna-be tough ass, and your immature ways. Then you always demanding impossible things from me. Understand that I don’t play the boyfriend-girlfriend game. I’m too old for it. You get that, don’t you?”

  I didn’t respond. Now wasn’t the time. I was just getting all that I could get, and I had a feeling that our time together was coming to an end. I lowered myself, closing my eyes and thinking as I gave him head. He was the only man I had done it to, and it was not an easy task. Miles gathered a bunch of my hair in his hand and squeezed it.

  “Sexy, sexy, sexy,” he said. “You are on your way to becoming the woman I always knew you could be.”

  That night, the woman he always wanted me to be turned into the immature, angry little girl he’d kept complaining about. My friends, Jesse and I got into another fight on the parking lot, resulting from something as simple as being stared at. This time, Anthony and his crew jumped in, and the brawl was nothing pretty. Miles was livid and he tore into me over the telephone the next day.

  “I know you’re only nineteen, Brenda, but you need to think about where your life is headed. You are going to get yourself killed, and I am telling you that there are plenty of women at that skating rink who wouldn’t mind doing it. What’s going to happen to those babies if they ain’t got no mother? From what you say, their daddy ain’t shit, so all they got is you! Get yo shit together and do not bring yo ass back down to that skating rink again! If you do, I can guarantee that you will be arrested!”

  “Do what you gotta do, Miles! Unfortunately, I’m living day-by-day with no damn direction! I’m trying to do what’s right, but nine times out of ten, I keep getting it wrong! Do not judge me, and until you start contributing more to my life, other than giving me some satisfying dick, then don’t complain about how I’m living it!

  He hung up. And when all was said and done, I couldn’t ignore some of the things he’d said.

  Chapter Twelve

  Rita’s college graduation was in two days, and Mama and Daddy decided to put their differences aside and ride together. Rita had made our entire family proud and during her last year in college she was voted in as Miss Tennessee State University. Her picture was posted in many magazines and newspapers around the country and her GPA spoke for itself. No doubt, she was the perfect role model for her younger sisters, but I could never seem to follow in her footsteps.

  Mama and Daddy were back from Tennessee. He came in to see the twins, said hello to us and left. Mama said they’d had a few differences on their trip and she was glad to be home. She showed us pictures of Rita’s graduation and had her degree in Communications to show to us. She seemed really proud of Rita’s accomplishments and Rita had done well for herself. On top of that, to find the man of her dreams was awesome. Mama told us Rita was coming home next week to look for bridesmaids dresses and we were enthused about being in the wedding.

  Planning for the wedding was another joyous time for our family to come together. Rita had everything so organized she could have been the wedding planner herself. She knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it. There was no sense trying to tell her different.

  A few weeks before the wedding, Dwayne convinced me to let him go with me. He promised me that he wouldn’t pressure me about us getting back together, but said he found it odd that we could never, ever stay apart. “That’s what true love means,” he said. “And nothing or no one will ever come between us.” Dwayne’s theory made sense; after all, we just couldn’t seem to go our separate ways. And since I’d found out that my long-time girlfriend, Tanesha, from Sumner High School, had been having sex with Miles, what we shared was a wrap. Tanesha described her time with Miles as one of the best experiences of her life.

  “That dick was off the chain,” she said over the telephone. “I could barely sit down on that sucker and he had my ass hollering!”

  I was sure he did, and I wanted him to pay for having sex with my friend that I’d introduced to him at the skating rink one day. My plan was to hook up with one of his friends, particularly a police officer who worked with Miles. His name was Lance and I’d seen the lust in his eyes on many occasions. Only because of Miles did I ignore Lance, but not when I’d caught up with him a few days later, after Tanesha had told me what was up. While hanging out on the White Castle’s parking lot, Lance invited me to his apartment on Lucas & Hunt Road. I followed him there, and as soon as we got inside, he was all over me. He was rough, and when he pulled the back of my hair to kiss me, I pulled away.

  “Damn, do you have to pull my hair so tight?” I asked.

  He let go of my hair, but the wicked smile on his face alarmed me. There was something in his eyes that I wasn’t feeling, so I backed away from him by the door. “I…I’m sorry, but I think I made a big mistake coming here. I don’t want to do this with you, okay?”

  My stomach felt queasy as I hurried closer to the door, but as soon as I touched the knob, Lance grabbed my waist. I held my breath as he tightened his arms around me from behind and put his lips up to my ear. “Don’t be sorry, because you’re not going anywhere.”

  He shoved me away from the door and I stumbled to catch my balance. I gave him a hard stare, prompting him to shove me again. This time, I fell to my knees, but rushed back up to charge him. I was met with his gun aimed right at my face.

  “You can make this easy, or you can make it hard. Take your clothes off and lay your ass back on the couch.”

  I never, ever saw this shit coming. A police officer going out like this? There was no doubt in my mind that he would shoot me, but if I had to go out under these conditions, too damn bad. He wasn’t going to take something I wasn’t willing to give. Sex wasn’t just sex anymore and I did care about who I let inside of me. Yes, I was wrong for coming to Lance’s apartment with him, but I had a right to change my mind. Tears started pouring from my eyes, as I knew my life was in jeopardy. I swallowed and began to plea for him to let me leave.

  “I’m not taking my clothes off. I’m sorry, I can’t do it.”

  Lance smirked and placed his gun on the table. He started to unbutton his uniform shirt, while keeping his eyes locked on me. Planning my escape, I took a few steps forward and was met with a hard blow to my stomach. The pain that I felt caused me to double over and squeeze my teary eyes. At that moment, that’s when I realized how much trouble I was really in. He pulled my hair, and lifted my head
so I could look at him. His eyes…those frightening eyes, I would never forget. “You think you tough,” he shouted. “I’ll show you tough!”

  He pushed me back on the couch where I fell hard. I defensively held up my hands in a panic. “I…I’m not tough,” I cried out. “Not at all. But please don’t hurt me.”

  Lance lowered his pants to his ankles and jumped on top of me. I swung wildly, and used my bent knees to force him off me. He was mad strong and when I took a huge bite at his shoulder, he gripped both of his hands around my neck and squeezed. Almost instantly, I could feel the breath being choked out of me. Tears slipped from the corner of my eyes as his hands trembled on my neck while shaking it. My body was getting weak, and as the lights appeared to dim, there was no fight left in me. My eyes fluttered, and that’s when I felt Lance release his hands. I started to cough, but he placed his cold hand over my mouth, squeezing my cheeks. He used his other hand to rip open my shirt and roughly massage my breast. His breathing increased, but I was so scared that I continued to hold my breath. He then lowered his hand from my mouth to my skirt, lifting it so he could feel my crotch.

  “Mmmmm,” he moaned as he pulled my panties aside and jabbed his fingers inside of me. I flinched, but he pressed his heavy body on top of mine and forced my legs further open with his. I was dry as a desert, and my insides burned as he turned his fingers inside of me, scratching against my walls with his sharp nails. I was defeated and my stare into his eyes said so. He had no idea of the affect this would have on me, and at the time, neither did I. Thing is, he didn’t care. He released his fingers from my insides and brought his bloody fingers to his face to look at them.

  “I don’t want no bloody pussy,” he said. “Didn’t you know you were on your period when you agreed to come here?”

  I was well aware that my time of the month was near, but I kept my mouth shut. Lance got up and stepped out of his pants. He pulled his white undershirt over his head, and swung his hard dick from side-to-side near my face. “Touch it,” he ordered. “Sit up, touch it, suck it, play with it or something.”

  I slowly sat up and wrapped my hand around Lance’s dick. Miles had shown me how to make him come by jacking him off with Vaseline or lotion. I didn’t have either, so I wet my hands with spit and went to work on Lance’s muscle. I figured he wouldn’t let me leave until he got his nut, so I stroked him with great speed. My wrist felt like it would fall off, but I kept it going, just so he wouldn’t encourage me to use my mouth.

  “Ahhhh,” he said with his head leaning back. “That shit feels guuuuuuuud!”

  My eyes were so blurred from the tears in my eyes, and my head was spinning in circles. Lance snatched his dick away from my hand, replacing it with his. His semen sprayed out, some slapping my cheek. I sat motionless, hoping and praying that this would all be over with soon. Lance bent down and tossed his shirt over his shoulder. “Get the fuck out,” he said. “And don’t be no fool and tell anybody what really happened here, because I will deny it. I will make your ass look real bad for coming here to begin with, and who do you think people will believe? You or me?”

  I said not one word. Got up, pulled my ruffled blue-jean skirt down and tried to cover my breasts with my torn shirt. I inched my way to the door, feeling as if I was walking on air like a zombie. After I walked out, Lance slammed the door, causing my whole body to jump. My legs were so weak, and as soon as I got into the car, I collapsed in the driver’s seat. Unable to drive off, my head dropped on the steering wheel and I sobbed like a baby.

  Several weeks later, Rita came home, and for the sake of not bringing anymore disappointment to my family, or embarrassing myself, I kept quiet about what had happened with Lance. I wrote about the incident in my notebook, blaming myself and having no respect whatsoever for men who claimed they were officers of the law: I feel useless. Men have made me feel as if all I’m good for is sex. Hell, I’m not even good for that to be honest. I shouldn’t have ever followed Lance to his apartment and that’s what I get for trying to make Miles jealous. My so-called revenge backfired. I guess Lance only did what he thought I wanted him to do, but I didn’t want to give myself to him in any way. I thought that he would brag to Miles about me being at his apartment, nothing more, nothing less. The way Lance treated me, I feel like trash. And then to spray that shit in my face was hurtful. So hurtful that I never want to have sex again. It ain’t all that anyway, I guess with the exception of Miles. But adios to him because he ain’t shit either. I wonder if there are any good men out there? I guess Jesse and Rita seem to have one, but why can’t I find one? What am I doing wrong and what would make a man treat me like Lance did today? Never will I trust a police officer again. Never would I trust any man, and at this point, to hell with them all…

  Everyone was so upbeat about the wedding, and helping Rita get everything together helped take my mind off what had happened. Considering the fact that Rita had broken her ankle a few days before the wedding, and the pastor was two hours late, the wedding itself was beautiful. Rita looked so stunning in her white laced Cinderella gown with pearls flowing through it. The bridesmaids…we also looked gorgeous. We wore red medium-length silk and lace dresses with v-cuts and bows in the back. Clarence and his groomsmen had on black tuxedos with red silk cummerbunds and white shirts. The most beautiful of all were the twins as flower girls. They wore long white silk dresses with red silk bows around their waists. White sheer stockings covered their legs and black patent leather shoes were on their feet.

  As I was escorted down the aisle by a groomsman, I saw Dwayne sitting in a two-piece black suit, looking like a true gentleman. Anthony sat next to him, as he watched Jesse being escorted by another groomsman. Then Rita came down the aisle with a walker guiding her, because of her ankle, and Daddy was on her left arm. This was one special occasion our family would never forget, and as Clarence played “So Amazing” by Luther Vandross on his saxophone, he had the entire wedding party and guests in tears. Several times, I looked at Dwayne and he looked touched by the ceremony as well. That day brought us closer together, and after what had happened with Lance, I clung to Dwayne for security and protection. I hadn’t told him what had happened either, but he was the only man I wanted in my presence. After the wedding, Rita made a permanent move to Tennessee and our conversations became limited.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Mama was out of control. Her house was becoming unbearable to live in. She had even gone to the extreme of unplugging the phones and hiding them so we couldn’t use them. Money was an issue, and I didn’t know how she expected us to give her money when I was supporting myself and the twins on welfare. I had been returning so much stolen merchandise to Target and Venture, they now had my name on a “watch list” and I couldn’t return anything. Jesse was still at Sears making minimum wage and she could only contribute so much as well. During a heated argument, Mama was so upset that she threw a hot curling iron that damn near hit Jesse in the face. Then she made a comment about us being ho’s and said we knew how to get “street money.”

  That just about did it for me, and yet again, Mama and I found ourselves in an argument that was full of disrespect.

  “Whatever, Mama,” I shouted. “It takes a ho to know one!”

  “Yeah, bitch, keep on with that smart mouth of yours. When yo ass living on the streets, I hope that mouth of yours can get you by.”

  Mama continued to go on and on, but Jesse whispered to me, asking me not to say anything. She was so good at holding her tongue when it came to Mama, but I would lash out in a minute. The back and forth arguing, I felt bad about it. I knew it was time for me to get the hell out of Mama’s house, and the truth of the matter was, that if I was grown up enough to have kids, then I was grown up enough to make it on my own.

  By morning, Mama hadn’t forgotten about my harsh words. She told me to pack my belongings and go. I wasn’t going to argue with her anymore, and rightfully so, it was her house, not mine. Since the phones were still hidden, I walked t
o a payphone and called Dwayne to come pick me up. He said that if I ever wanted to, I could live with him at his grandmother’s house.

  In less than an hour, he came for me. I went back and forth, loading up his car with my personal belongings. Mama was in her bedroom with the door shut, and Jesse was in our room begging me not to take the twins.

  “Don’t go, Brenda,” she sadly said. “You can’t take the twins over to Dwayne’s grandmother’s house and you know that ain’t going to work. Just give Mama time to cool off and stay out of her way. She’ll change her mind, like she always does.”

  I continued to pack my belongings. “No she won’t. She’s going to keep on putting me out of here, and I’m tired of it. She told me to take the twins with me, and I’m not going to leave my babies behind. We’ll be okay. Since I can’t call you, I’ll call Anthony’s house to let him know when we make it to Dwayne’s grandmother’s house. Don’t worry.”

  Jesse went into the twins’ bedroom, while I started to take a few more boxes out to Dwayne’s car, putting them in the trunk. When I went back inside, Mama shouted for me to hurry it up so she could lock her door. Dwayne’s car was piled high with my things and I had only a few more bags to go.

  As soon as I went inside to get the twins, my grandmother came through the front door, inquiring about what was going on.

  “Brenda is moving out,” Mama answered. “I’m tired of her mouth, and she too damn grown for me.” Mama went on and on about what a disgrace I’d been to our family and my grandmother finally stopped her.