In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  I hoped and prayed that Mama would never get a hold to any of my notebooks, and once I was done, I hid my notebook far back in the closet. I then tried my best to get some sleep, but unfortunately for me, my thoughts of Miles wouldn’t let me. I was so sure of one thing…there was no going back to Dwayne, and finally, yes, he was history! Or, so I thought.

  Chapter Eleven

  Dwayne was on a rampage, and whenever I’d try to move on without him, he wasn’t having it. He was calling about us getting back together, but I was so caught up with Miles that I wouldn’t even consider it.

  “We are no good for each other, Dwayne. Don’t you see that?”

  “No, I don’t. You couldn’t be more wrong. Besides, I’ve been dealin’ with some things and I’m now livin’ with my grandmother. I was there for you and I need for you to be there for me too.”

  I felt bad for Dwayne and I didn’t want him to have to fight his battles alone. We talked almost every night after that, but I wouldn’t allow him to come over to see me, nor would I go see him. I wanted to see if we could just be friends, because our efforts to keep a relationship had failed.

  Also, I truly felt that I had made some progress with Miles. I wasn’t cussing and fussing with the man in my life, and he’d always have very encouraging words to say to me. “Keep your head up,” he would say. “See about your kids and get a grip on your anger. You’re a beautiful woman, Brenda. You just gotta figure out a way to get on the right path and stop griping when shit don’t go your way.”

  Miles’ counseling helped me build up confidence in myself and some of the things he’d say needed to be said. I enjoyed spending time with him, but there became a time when I suspected Miles had been intimate with numerous women. It didn’t make sense for me to kick Dwayne to the curb for his cheating ways, and Miles was getting it in too. But according to him, whoever he was involved with was none of my business, and whenever I inquired, he’d get shitty.

  “Did you beep me?” he asked, returning one of my calls.

  “Didn’t you recognize the code?”

  “Yes I did, smart ass, but I told you I had to work both jobs today.”

  “Is that all you’ve been doing today? One of my friends told me she saw you in the car with—”

  He quickly cut me off. “What I do with my female companions ain’t nobody’s business but mine. If you want the truth, the truth is I ain’t fucking nobody but you. There’s a whole bunch of women who would love to get some of this, but right now it’s on reserve. Will it always be on reserve for you? I doubt it, but that depends on how you act. Regardless, though, you need to understand that we are just friends, and more than that, damn good lovers. I don’t want no girlfriend, I ain’t looking for no girlfriend and I damn sure ain’t looking for no wife.”

  Damn! Miles had told it like it was, and gave me my wake-up call. This was a fuck thing, nothing more, nothing less. I sure as hell had been looking for love in all the wrong places, and each time I put myself out there, this is the kind of shit I got in return.

  “Whatever, Miles. I’ll just see you at the skating rink next week. I hope your attitude is much better by then.”

  “Don’t count on it, especially if you keep talking that mess about who I spend my time with. Eliminate that from your conversations and we good.”

  Miles said he had to get back to work and ended the call. I wasn’t trying to be a pain, but what was so wrong with me wanting to know if he was involved with someone else, and who she was? Was it a crime to know what the man I was sleeping with was doing behind closed doors? I guessed so.

  ***

  Dwayne wasn’t giving up. His persistence made me feel special, and since Miles had been catching an attitude with me lately, over some naked pictures I refused to take, I did what I knew best and turned my attention to the other man. Didn’t matter that he brought along too much drama, I just had a need to have somebody…anybody in my life that I could say was “my man.”

  “I’ve been callin’ you like crazy,” Dwayne said over the phone. “Yo mama been cursin’ me the hell out every time I call. Why haven’t you called me?”

  “I’ve been meaning to call, but I misplaced your grandmother’s phone number. When I called your parents’ house, your sister wouldn’t give me the number.”

  “She should have, but what’s up with you and me? Are we gon’ get back together or what? I miss you and I wanna see you today?”

  “I’m taking the kids to see my father today. He called and told me he wasn’t feeling up to himself lately and he wanted to talk to me.”

  “Can I go with you?” he asked. “You can pick me up at my grandmother’s house. Besides, I’ve never met your father before, and you know it’s been a while since I’ve seen the twins.”

  It had been a while since I’d last seen Dwayne, so I agreed to pick him up from his grandmother’s house. Before I left to go see Daddy, I asked Jesse if she wanted to ride with me. She said that she’d already made plans to go to the mall with Anthony, but I knew she wasn’t as forgiving when it came to Daddy as I was. She kind of took Mama’s side all the time when they argued. I did, too, but I also knew that, sometimes, Mama was as much to blame for their arguments as he was.

  As for Rita, she sided with Daddy most of the time. She was coming home next week to introduce the family to her new boyfriend and we couldn’t wait to meet him. Mama said they’d even talked to her about getting married. One day Mama would say it was a good thing, and the next day she would say Rita needed to hurry and finish school, move back home and find a job.

  I was happy for Rita because she had done what I should have done, once I graduated. Her and Jesse really seemed to have their acts together. They had decent jobs and positive men in their lives. Good brothers too…men who wanted something out of life and treated them with respect. I, on the other hand, had been a sucker for an older man who was sexually satisfying my needs, and for one who lied so much, I didn’t know what to believe.

  Dwayne got into the car looking spectacular. He knew that all he had to do was put on some stone-washed jeans, snakeskin boots, a cashmere sweater, with good smelling cologne, and I would be moved. His trimmed goatee was a plus, too, and the way it squared on his mouth and chin, it always made him look sexy. On the way to Daddy’s house, Dwayne played with the twins in the back seat of the car and had them cracking up. Everything was going well, until he questioned me about Miles.

  “Have you seen him lately?” he asked.

  “Yeah, sometimes I see him at work,” I said, keeping it brief.

  “That’s the only time you’ve seen him?”

  “I see him at the skating rink—that’s only if I go. Why are you asking me about Miles?”

  “Because I had one of my boys check that nigga out for me. He said you’ve been messin’ around with him. Said he had a conversion with Miles and he confirmed it. I even went down to the skatin’ rink to peep the nigga myself. He thinks he’s a little tough muthafucka, but when I stepped to him and showed him my piece, he was singin’ a new tune.”

  I was boiling inside, but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to argue with Dwayne. He was out doing whatever the hell he wanted to do, and with whomever. How dare he try to watch over me and it was just like him to seek control. “Why would you confront him?” I asked. “If you’ve been trying to start some mess with him over me, you’re wasting your time. He’s been a good friend to me, and that’s it. Besides, he’s too old for me. I don’t like my men that old.”

  There was no way in hell I would tell him that Miles had been treating me well. I knew Dwayne was lying about pulling a piece out on him because if he had, he would’ve been dead. Miles wouldn’t have thought twice about killing Dwayne, but then again, neither would Dwayne.

  Daddy was delighted to see the twins. He kissed all over them with his scruffy beard and tried to tell them apart. They were screaming at the top of their lungs because they weren’t used to being around him. I introduced Dwayne to Dadd
y, and after they shook hands, Daddy led us upstairs to his bedroom. He lit a cigarette and invited us to have a seat. While on his bed, he dangled the cigarette around in his mouth, while holding one of the twins.

  “Dwayne, how long have you been datin’ my daughter?” he asked.

  “On and off for close to two years. I’m surprised she ain’t never mentioned me?”

  “Yeah, she mentioned you but I don’t keep up with names too well. Her mama mentions yo name all the time because she don’t like you. She said you make my baby girl cry all the time.” Dwayne’s brows went up and his nose flared. “Don’t panic,” Daddy said. “My ex-wife don’t like nobody, so if she don’t like you, that must mean you’re an okay nigga.” We all laughed, as everyone knew how Mama was.

  Still, Dwayne defended his actions. “Mr. Hampton, I’m not the one who makes yo daughter cry all the time. She’s been messin’ around with this old cat, Miles. He’s the one who makes her cry. I know that for a fact.”

  That was a lie, but I didn’t say a word. Dwayne was trying to pump information out of me, but the truth be told, I hadn’t cried since he’d been out of my life.

  “Man, I don’t give a shit who she messes with or how old he is,” Daddy added. “All I care about is her happiness. If you call yourself her man, then you treat her right and take care of her, ya hear me?” Daddy reached his hand out, slamming it against Dwayne’s.

  We continued our conversation, until Daddy asked Dwayne to put a tape in the VCR that was lying on his dresser. It was a porn movie; showed a Chinese woman and a Black man getting ready to do the wild thang.

  “Excuse me, but don’t you have something else to look at?” I asked Daddy.

  “Damn, Bree, y’all interrupted me when you came over. Let me finish watchin’ my movie,” he joked.

  I playfully hit Daddy on the leg, called him a pervert and headed for the door.

  “Gon’ in the kitchen and fix y’all somethin’ to eat while Dwayne and me finish checkin’ out this movie.”

  I left the room with the twins, and since Dwayne didn’t follow me, I figured he was just as interested in the flick as Daddy. Men, I thought while shaking my head.

  I went in the kitchen and it was lit up with the smell of a hot baked apple pie. I fixed a plate of my grandmother’s make-your-mouth-water cooking: roast, fried chicken, greens, corn on the cob, string beans, cornbread, homemade macaroni and cheese, and of course, apple pie. You name it, it was there! She could cook her butt off, and it wasn’t like it was a holiday either. She enjoyed cooking big meals, just in case family stopped by, which was often.

  As I sat at the kitchen table, Daddy came strolling in singing as his house shoes slid on the floor. “Damn, girl, you sure you got enough piled on yo plate? How many people are you eatin’ for, knucklehead?”

  I laughed. “I assure you, Daddy, just me.”

  He looked at the twins on my lap, reaching for one of them. “My…my babies sure are growin’ up fast, ain’t they?”

  “Yeah, time is moving fast. Before you know it, they’ll be going to school. Did Dwayne say he was coming down to get something to eat?”

  “Nah, he didn’t say. I think his ass enjoyin’ those flicks more than me. I had a li’l talk with him and he seems like an okay nigga. Am I gon’ have to pull out my tuxedo and walk you down the aisle soon?”

  I pursed my lips. “No, I don’t think so. Maybe for Rita or Jesse, but not for me. Not yet anyway.”

  He smiled and gripped my shoulder.

  “Brenda, you know yo daddy ain’t been feelin’ good lately. The doctor been talkin’ about puttin’ me on dialysis because my kidneys are failin’.”

  My brows rose; I had no idea Daddy was ill. “When they talking about doing that? Is it serious?”

  “Very. But I won’t know until sometime next week. I might need you to go to the doctors with me to see how to work the dialysis machine.”

  I kissed Daddy on his cheek. “Sure. Just let me know and I’ll come pick you up to take you.”

  We finished up dinner in Daddy’s room and talked half of the night away. The twins had fallen asleep, and Dwayne carried one of them to the car and I carried the other. I said goodbye to Daddy and we made arrangements to hook up in a few days.

  “Your daddy pretty damn cool, baby,” Dwayne said on the ride home. “I hope that when I get his age, I be as cool and smooth as he is.”

  “Yeah, he’s something else, ain’t he? Mama and him are like night and day. I definitely know why they had to get a divorce.”

  I parked my car in front of Dwayne’s grandmother’s house. His car was parked in her driveway with the muffler hanging to the ground.

  “Can I come over tomorrow?” he asked with his hand on the doorknob.

  “I…I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m ready to patch things up with you. And by the looks of it,” I looked at his car. “I don’t think you’re going to make it anywhere in that car.”

  “I’m gon’ fix my car tonight. So, don’t forget to call and let me know if I can come over.”

  I nodded and told Dwayne I’d call him.

  When I got home Mama was upset with me for taking the kids to see Daddy. She said he didn’t deserve to see them, because he hadn’t done much for them. It was funny how when she was mad at Daddy, she wanted us to be, too. But when they were on good terms, she wanted us to be goody-goody with him.

  I’d developed my own opinion about him, and forgiving him came easy. He made mistakes just like all of us did. He wasn’t perfect and was always the first to admit it. He was there for me at a time in my life that I needed him to be, and I couldn’t ignore that. So, shutting him out of me and the twins’ lives, because Mama wanted me to, was not an option.

  The truth, Mama was afraid I was going to become too close with Daddy and forget about all that she had done for me. She already felt as if he had stolen Rita’s love away and couldn’t stand the fact that she would lose another daughter’s love to him. She didn’t realize that I appreciated all that she’d done for us. I knew she was the one who provided everything for me since the day I was born. As a single parent, I understood her struggles and I knew that raising three children wasn’t easy. However, my love for my daddy was something no one could deny me. Not even her.

  ***

  Rita visited with her new boyfriend, Clarence. He was about six-one, thin as a pencil, and talked with a southern accent that had Rita tickled pink. I could see the love they had for each other, and right after dinner, Rita decided to break the news. Clarence and her were engaged and planned to marry right after college. Mama pretended to be moved about the news but I could tell she was totally against it. Why? I didn’t know, but she had some funny-ass ways. Who wouldn’t be happy about their daughter finding the love of her life in college and getting married? I think Mama was afraid of Rita’s marriage ending up like hers; seemed like she wasn’t giving poor Clarence a chance.

  Rita and Clarence finished up dinner, and then left to share the news with the rest of the family. No sooner had they hit the door, Mama started talking about how she thought it was a bad idea for Rita to get married. She found every reason in the book not to like Clarence, and she didn’t even get a chance to know him. He seemed pretty cool to me. He seemed to love my sister very much, so that’s all that mattered to me.

  That night, I told Dwayne about Rita’s engagement and he said that he wished we could get married.

  “Really,” I said. I was surprised and it confirmed how much Dwayne really loved me. He was willing to marry me and maybe we were destined to be together after all.

  He also talked about getting a job so he’d have some money to help me with the twins. I thought that was nice of him, especially since the twins weren’t even his. If he was serious, time would surely tell.

  ***

  Monday at work, suited-up big shots were all over the place. There were only two cashiers at their registers, when normally there was at least eight. I put on my red smock, and headed
towards the back to get my cash drawer. My boss halted my steps, when he asked me to come to his office so we could talk. I thought he was going to confront me about my relationship with Miles, but I was wrong.

  “Sit down, Brenda,” Mr. Keys said. I sat down with my heart racing a mile a minute. “We’ve been watching you and a few other cashiers on tape. It looks as if you’ve been stealing merchandise from our store. Now, we don’t plan to prosecute you, but we are asking that you leave now and leave quietly.” I couldn’t say anything. I was shocked—sat there with my mouth wide open. I had stolen more than my share from Grandpa Pigeons and had no defense whatsoever. I stood up, handed him my smock and walked out.

  When I got home, Mama asked why I was back so soon. I told her I’d gotten fired and she felt the same way I did; we had definitely gotten our share. I assured her I’d find another job, but it wasn’t like that would be so easy to do.

  Mama headed off to work and I beeped Miles to see if he’d known about the incident at work. I hadn’t spoken to him in several weeks and I wasn’t sure if he’d call me back. Almost an hour later, he did.

  “Speak” he said.

  “Are you busy?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Too busy to call me?”

  He snapped at me and sounded irritated. “Maybe, maybe not. Stop with the questions. What do you want?”

  “I don’t want anything. Just called to see how you were doing because I haven’t heard from you.”

  “Hmm…did you go to work today?”

  “Yes, I did go to work, but something happened.”

  “Something like you got fired?”

  “Yes. I got fired for stealing.”

  “I know what you got fired for, Brenda. They’ve been watching the cashiers for a long time. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you would be stupid enough to get yourself caught up in that bullshit, especially since you got kids to take care of. But somehow, you never cease to amaze me. You just keep on doing stupid shit and losing your job was the worst thing you could have done.”