In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  ***

  It was a Saturday night, and I stayed home reading a book, Disappearing Acts by Terry McMillan. I was so indulged; it was the first time I was on my way to reading a full novel. The characters had me hooked, and as I laid the book on my bed, I wondered if I could write a story like hers.

  Over the years, I’d been doing an enormous amount of writing, but to me, none of it made sense. I doubted that anyone would want to read about all the drama I’d been through, but then my mind traveled elsewhere. I picked up some typing paper I’d had lying on my dresser and used a ballpoint pen to write the first thing that came to my head. For whatever reason, I started writing about Jay, the one I had never known and who had only crossed my path for a few short minutes. He seemed like an interesting man to write about, and God only knows if I had a man that intriguing in my life, what I would do with him: There he stood, tall and finger-licking good as ever. His hair was full of natural curls; curls that I saw myself running my fingers through. His lips were full and thick, I surely wanted to kiss them. And there was something in his addictive grey eyes that were luring. Something about him that made me squirm in my seat and melt shortly thereafter. An intriguing creature he was and as he moved closer to me…

  My imagination went wild, had me laughing a bit to myself and amazed by what I had come up with. I’d finally taken a break, only to pick up Terry McMillan’s book, again, and finish it.

  Once I was done, I couldn’t stop thinking about how well she’d crafted her story. I was right there with her characters, moving along as if I was in the book myself. I re-read what I had written, only to rip up the pages and throw them in the trash. I later retrieved them, planning to let Jesse read them, before I gave up on what I’d written. I had a long way to go, but I truly felt as if, one day, I would somehow piece a story together.

  Before going to bed, I called Rita’s place in Tennessee to speak to the twins. Rita told me they were coming back at the end of next month, but I couldn’t wait for the twins to see their new place. I had already decorated most their bedroom with pink, green and white, some of their favorite colors. They still needed new beds, though, but I waited a while before getting those. I really missed my children, but I was sure they were enjoying their time in Tennessee.

  The next day, I stopped by the grocery store to get something to eat for the night. The refrigerator had been near empty all summer, since the twins weren’t there, and I only ate when I was extremely hungry. I’d dropped another ten pounds and wasn’t trying to do so.

  I strolled my cart to the Deli section, picked up a sandwich, and then went down the condiments aisle to get a jar of Mayo. I spotted this dude stuffing a pack of frozen ribs down his pants, and as I got closer, I saw it was my cousin Josh. He was looking terrible. His hair was nappy, pants were dirty and half-way hanging off his butt. His shirt looked like a two year old tried to button it and lips were crusty as ever.

  “Josh, what are you doing in here stealing?” I whispered. “I could have been anybody and reported you. Take those ribs out of your pants and throw them in the cart. I’ll buy them.”

  Once upon a time, Josh could be considered a really handsome man. But ever since he’d started messing around with drugs, he’d gone completely downhill.

  “Thanks, Cuz. You always seem to come through when I need you to,” he said putting the ribs in the cart. I went through the line, paying for the few items I had in my cart. Josh had thrown in some chips and a beer, but I didn’t mind. He was family.

  On the parking lot, I bagged up his things and handed them to him. He thanked me and started jogging away. My heart went out to him, but the last thing I wanted was him knowing where I lived.

  By the time I made a left at the corner, I could see him walking down West Florissant Ave., munching on the bag of potato chips I had just bought. I pulled over because something wouldn’t let me leave him.

  “Josh, where are you headed to?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Anywhere, I guess. I ain’t got no place to live. Been out on the streets for a while now, Bren.”

  “Get in the car. At least go to my place and clean yourself up. Then we’ll talk about some living arrangements.”

  Josh hurried inside and I drove back to my place. He took a shower, and when he got out, I gave him a pair of red jogging pants and an old beat-up t-shirt that had St. Louis printed on the front. The shower did him justice, but the clothes were a little too tight. We sat at the kitchen table, talking. “You got a nice place,” he said, sipping from the beer I had just bought.

  “It is nice, Josh, and I want to keep it that way. That means I don’t want you telling Dwayne where I live.”

  “I won’t. I promise you I won’t. Besides, we got into an argument a couple weeks ago. I stopped fuckin’ with him. That fool wanted to—”

  “I don’t even want to know,” I said. “All I know is he better not find out where I live.”

  Josh took another sip from his beer bottle. “So, do you have any room here for me? I see you got a basement. I can sleep down there. I’ll stay out of your way and you won’t even know I’m here.”

  I was very skeptical about letting Josh live with me, but what choice did I have? How could I tell my own cousin no? It was another Déjà vu moment for me again. I remembered Mama allowing a relative who’d been on drugs to stay with us while we lived in Wellston. He stole our television and pawned it. Mama was pissed, and I hoped that my situation with Josh wouldn’t wind up like hers. Josh thanked me for letting him stay and went downstairs to watch TV.

  Even though Josh cleaned out the tub when he got out, I scrubbed it again. If he’d been living on the streets, I wasn’t taking any chances. So, instead of bathing, I took a shower and washed my hair. As the water was on full blast, Josh knocked on the bathroom door and told me he was heading out for a while. I told him to be sure to lock the door.

  After my shower was over, I got comfortable in bed, thinking about writing again. All kinds of stuff was in my head, but I was too tired to write. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was out.

  On Monday, I sat at my desk, hoping and praying that Jay Rogers showed up again. It’s not that I was going to say anything to him; I just wanted to look at him. Many other insurance brokers had shown up that day, but I was shit out of luck. I was a little disappointed, but was happy about starting my new position in Member Services on next Monday.

  When I got home from work, Josh was downstairs looking at TV. “Did anybody call?” I asked, looking through the mail.

  “Jesse called, Dedra called, your mama called, the kids called, and you had one hang up call too. I got bored so I cleaned up the basement and washed the dishes. Do you think you can loan a brotha twenty dollars? I’m hungry and you ain’t got shit to eat in the fridge.”

  I placed my hand on my hip. “Please. You’re living here rent-free and complaining?”

  “Damn, I washed the dishes and cleaned up the basement.”

  “That’s what you’re supposed to do, especially if you messed up my basement.”

  Josh sighed and pleaded with me. “Come on, Brenda, give me a break.”

  I hesitated, but reached into my purse. “Here, Josh. Don’t make this no habit either.”

  He smiled, thanked me and left.

  It took me about two hours to return everybody’s phone call. Rita and the kids told me about their weekend adventures; Dedra talked about her drama with her boyfriend; Jesse and I caught up on the scoop with her and a Que-dog that she’d met, and Mama was on the phone complaining about her neighbors and about me letting Josh live with me.

  “I couldn’t believe when I called he answered the phone,” Mama said. “I told him to find his grown ass a place to stay and stop running to you for handouts. You need to put him out of there, Brenda. I don’t understand why you’re always trying to be nice to people. You can’t save the world.”

  “Josh had no place to go, Mama. I didn’t feel right leaving him like that, and
you know he’s had a tough upbringing. I’m going to keep my eyes on him, and if anything gets out of hand, I will ask him to leave.”

  “When you get done talking, that apartment is supposed to be for you and the twins. Josh is grown! How many times are you going to let him move in with you and tear up your damn place?”

  I sighed, really not in the mood to be having this conversation with Mama. I knew how she’d felt about Josh, even though he was her nephew. Mama had been burned by family, so I did my best to understand her position.

  “He will only be here for a little while. I’m going to see if I can help him find a job and get his own place.”

  Mama wasn’t trying to hear me, so she hung up. I started to call her back and go off, but the last thing I wanted was to argue with her about Josh. She and I had been getting along well, and I wasn’t about to ruin it.

  It was one o’clock in the morning, and as soon as I shifted in bed to another position, I heard hard knocks on the door. I staggered to open it and it was Josh. “Damn, Josh, it’s almost one o’clock in the morning. Where have you been all night?” I asked, yawning.

  “None of yo business. Remember, that’s what you told me when I asked you.”

  I threw my hand back. “Really, I could care less. I’m too tired to fuss with somebody who claims to be homeless.”

  Josh laughed and sat at the kitchen table, watching me pour a glass of water. “I saw Dwayne tonight,” he said. “He told me to tell you to call him. He said all he wants to talk about is seeing the kids.”

  I pursed my lips. “Yeah right, whatever. He’ll wait on it. Besides, why you keep bringing up his name?”

  “Because y’all were made for each other. He loves you and you love him. Y’all need to work on gettin’ shit together.”

  Josh straight-up touched a nerve and I snapped. “We don’t need to work on nothing. I wish everybody would stop saying how much love we had for each other, as I hadn’t felt it. We’ve moved on and there’s nothing to work on. Got it?”

  Josh looked taken aback by my tone. “Your blood is boilin’, ain’t it? If you really want to know, I was just playin’.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Well, don’t play like that. I get so tired of hearing it.”

  Josh didn’t say much else to me about Dwayne. I didn’t mean any disrespect, but I didn’t trust him when it came to Dwayne. They were too close and I suspected he really wasn’t kidding. Something was up.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Work was busy. Phones were going crazy with complaints. Apparently, Physician’s Health Plan changed pharmaceutical companies and some members were furious. I had to listen to upset customers all day long. The ones who couldn’t get through on the line came in to visit and the lobby was packed with irate customers, wanting to talk to someone from Member Services.

  I was so glad the weekend had finally arrived. I went to the bank to cash my check, and then stopped at the car-wash to wash my car. As I was getting a towel from the trunk, someone approached me from behind, tapping my shoulder. I turned and it was Dwayne. He wore a red, white and blue Fila jacket and stone-washed jeans. A one-inch herring bone gold chain hung from his neckline and a diamond earring sparkled on his earlobe. He was hooked up, but like the last time I’d seen him, I wasn’t moved.

  “What’s up, Brenda?”

  “Hi,” I said dryly.

  “Did Josh tell you to call me?”

  “Yes, but I forgot.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. I ain’t tryin’ to argue with you, but I would like to see the twins when they get home.”

  It was interesting that he even knew they weren’t at home. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I think it’s only going to complicate things for them.”

  He put his hands in his pockets and his face twisted up. “What do you mean complicate things for them? You mean complicate things for you. This ain’t even about you no more. I’ve been in their lives since they were babies. I’m the only father they’ve ever known. You would be wrong for tryin’ to keep them from me.”

  I was silent for a moment, and then spoke up. “Let me think about it. I’ll call and let you know.”

  “When they comin’ back home?”

  “They’ll be back the last week in August.”

  “Alright. Don’t forget to call me,” he said, making his way back to his truck. He honked the horn, turned up his loud music and drove off.

  As usual, Josh wasn’t home when I got there. I marked my calendar to count down how many days before the twins came home, and there was only a month left. I missed them tremendously, and even though they were with Rita, I had a difficult time letting them go. I’d become very overprotective, but that was a fear I had of something happening to them or someone doing them wrong.

  I changed my clothes and decided to go look for some furniture for their bedroom. They mentioned twin waterbeds, so I knew the waterbed store would be my first stop. I opened my drawer to get my money out of the jewelry box and couldn’t believe it was gone. I plopped back on my bed, trying to figure out where else I could have put it. I knew I had dug into my stash a couple of times, but I always put the money back. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me. Josh.

  I picked up the phone and started calling around for him. I had gotten so desperate that I beeped Dwayne to see if he’d known where Josh was. Ten minutes later, Dwayne called back.

  “Did somebody page me?” he asked.

  “Have you seen Josh?”

  “Who is this? Brenda?”

  “Yes. I’m looking for Josh. Have you seen him?”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen him. He was down here early this mornin’. I’m sure he’ll be back, and when he comes, I’ll tell him to get at you.”

  “Dwayne, don’t forget. It’s important.”

  “Why you lookin’ for him?”

  I hesitated to answer and wiped my tears. “Be…because, he took some money from me.”

  “How much did he take?”

  “Seventeen hundred dollars,” I said choked up. “I…I was saving it for the twins furniture and he took every bit of it.”

  “Calm down, Brenda. What are you doin’ with that kind of money around Josh anyway? You know what he about, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t think he’d do me like that, especially after as much as I’ve helped him.”

  “Well, lately, he’s been down here flauntin’ a lot of money. If I see him, though, I’ll tell him to call you.”

  I hung up and closed my eyes for a moment, thinking about how stupid I was for letting Josh stay with me. I thought I’d had a good hiding place in my drawer, but he must’ve seen me go in there to get some money before. I was so mad that I called Mama to tell her about what happened. What did I do that for, as she went ballistic.

  “His ass better hope I don’t ever see him. What kind of man is he, taking money from you and those kids! I warned you, Brenda, but you do not listen to anything that I tell you. Stop trusting so many damn people and kick Josh’s ass the hell out of there!”

  Again, she said what she had to say and hung up. I continued looking around for the money, just in case I placed it somewhere else and forgot. I even went downstairs to check through his clothes, only to find a straight shooter he used to smoke crack. As I made my way upstairs, I heard the front door close. It was Josh, and when he saw me coming from the basement, his eyes widened. I could tell he was high; he was fidgety. I held out my hand. “Where’s my money at?” I asked.

  He avoided eye contact and tried to walk around me. I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Brenda, I ain’t got twenty dollars on me. I told you I would give it back when I got some money.”

  “Don’t mess with me Josh. Give me my damn money!” I was getting pretty emotional, but Josh continued to deny it.

  “Girl, look, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

  “You know damn well what I’m talking about. I called Dwayne and he told me you’ve been in the hood with some money. If it ain
’t mine, then where in the hell did you get it?”

  Josh turned, increasing his tone. “I said I ain’t got yo fuckin’ money! You better go call them thieving-ass girlfriends of yours who took your shit the last time because I ain’t got it!”

  As we argued, thunder roared outside and heavy rain started to pour. The lights blinked on and off and finally stayed on. Lord knows I didn’t want to put him out; after all, I had also been put out in the rain and it wasn’t a good feeling. But I wasn’t getting anywhere with him. All I wanted was my money back, but he wasn’t bulging.

  “I refuse to stand here and argue with you over my money. It’s either you give me my money or you get the fuck out! I can’t believe you did this to me, Josh. No matter what, I stuck by you and gave you a place to lay your head. Not once, but twice. And this is how you repay me? You need to leave or I’ll call the police.”

  Josh fell back on the couch. He rubbed his temples and lightly mumbled underneath his breath. “Damn, I’ll give yo money back to you. I only took a hundred dollars, but the rest, I don’t know what happened to it.”

  I tried to pull him off the couch, but he snatched away from me. My thoughts of calling the police made me think about what had happened at my last place, but I still threatened to do it. “You took more than a hundred dollars and you know it. I’m calling the police, right now, if you don’t give me my keys and go.”

  Josh quickly stood up, threw my keys on the floor and ran downstairs to get his belongings. I heard him talking to himself, calling me every foul name in the book that he could think of. The lights were flashing again, and rain was beating so hard on the roof, it sounded like it was about to collapse. Josh came upstairs with a trash bag full of clothes. He opened the front door and the smell of stormy weather invaded my townhouse. I could hear the wind and the rain splashing on the porch. The door slammed, and all kinds of hurt went through me. I had no choice, and the feeling of putting him out wasn’t a good one. I sat on my bed upset because every time I tried to be there for somebody, they screwed me around. My money was history and there wasn’t a chance in hell Josh would ever give it back.