Shit, I knew she wasn’t going to make this easy for me. Let’s see if she buys my bullshit again. “I can’t today, and I probably won’t be able to for a few days, I’m sorry. I have a ton of homework to catch up on and then I have to work on top of that. But soon okay?”
After a long pause she finally says, “Okay, fine. But promise me we will soon? Because I miss my best friend.”
Son of a bitch, she wrecks my heart whenever she says that. Not only because I don’t want to just be her best friend, but also because I miss her too. And sadly I have been constantly missing her for the last two years.
“Okay, I promise,” I answer her honestly.
“Good and there’s no backing out on a promise.”
“Yes Har, I know. But I need to get going so I can get started on some homework, okay?”
“Okay, fine. Have fun and text me back if I text you. Love you Gray.”
A big ass smile spreads across my face, splitting it in two when I answer, “Love you too Har.”
With one last “Bye” she hangs up.
I fall back onto the stiff nasty mattress that will unfortunately be my bed for the next couple of nights, or at least until I get all the information I can on what’s going on with that atrocious man. I absolutely despise myself for lying to her. Unfortunately, I have to just keep telling myself it’s for the best and once I can get all of this figured out I can make my move and hopefully have her as mine once this is all over.
I know there’s going to come a point in time where I will either need to make a move or move on. I’m just hoping by getting Brett out of the picture I can make my move and finally have what I’ve always been too scared to allow myself to have. Her. First I just need to find out what’s going on with Brett and hope that I don’t lose her in the process.
I pull into a rundown neighborhood later that afternoon. Based on the address Brett had written down on his form at the college, this is where Sally Long lives. I pull up across the street from a trailer home that looks like it’s seen it’s better days. I get the feeling that no one in this part of town has any kind of money, and what they do have they choose to spend on other activities.
I don’t dare get out yet just in case someone is watching me. Okay fine, maybe I’m a little nervous to actually get out and walk up to her front door. I’ve never done anything like this before, obviously, but I just don’t know how she will respond once she puts together that I’m the one who called her. If she was standoffish towards me over the phone, I’m more than a little nervous to see how she actually reacts to me in person.
I just have keep to remind myself why I’m doing this, that’s all that matters at this point. I don’t know this woman and she doesn’t know me, but I want to find out everything I can about how she knows Brett, no matter what. I can’t leave here empty handed.
With hesitant steps I get out of my car and walk across the cracked street and up her front steps. Each one creaks and sways as I put my weight on it. I very well might end up falling through and breaking my neck and this will have all been for nothing. Before I can let myself get too carried away with all the what-ifs, I lift my fist and softly knock on the door.
Chapter 13
Harmen
I fall down onto the couch like a drama queen, but who wouldn’t when their best friend hadn’t answered their phone or text messages all night long. I’m not crazy, he is. He doesn’t seem to understand what it does to me when he just decides not to answer me like that.
It takes me back to the moment I found out about my parents. I know it’s not the same thing and very unlikely that anything actually happened to him, but I just can’t stop my brain from going there and he damn well knows it. So screw him for doing that to me. Now I just sound like a whiney little kid, but if hell if I care.
After their deaths I attached myself to Gray. I depended on him for a lot of things which was never fair of me to do, but there was no one I trusted more than him. I knew he would never leave me unless he was taken from me, just like my parents. Yes, in hindsight it was probably unhealthy how much I depended on him, but at the time it felt like he was all I had left.
He still had his mom and dad who loved him dearly, but it was always just us two. Mr. and Mrs. Beck both tried to comfort me after my parents’ deaths, but I just couldn’t allow myself to let them get too close to me without feeling like I was betraying my parents. I know my parents never would have viewed it that way, but I couldn’t help my mind from going there. My brain just kept telling me it was just too soon.
After they helped me sell my parents’ home and get all of their finances together I started to separate myself from them more and more. The further it got into my freshmen year at Peskin University, I found it easier to separate myself from them and focus more on Gray and Brett, I know they just wanted to help, but all I needed was Gray.
We did everything together, all the time. My freshman year I would stay with him or he would stay with me so I’d never be alone. As I got closer to Brett, it happened less and less, but it still was something we did when whenever we would get lonely or one of us was in need for someone to just be close. He was and really still is my other half. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to let him go or not see him, even for just a day. I feel like I’m losing the a part of myself that has always belonged to him, and probably always will.
After my parents died Gray obviously became the most important person in my life, and I believe he always will be. Okay well, I guess Brett should be, but if I’m being honest with myself I would always choose Gray over him. Even if I have tried to push him away for Brett’s benefit, I was only lying to myself about being able to do it.
Maybe that should tell me something about how I view our relationship and just how committed I really am to Brett, but I’ll dig into that a different day. For now, I want to just relax and calm my mind down after he refused to answer me, which inevitable led me to thinking the worst possible things all night long. Shocker, I know.
It doesn’t surprise me that he was with a girl and that was his reason for the silence, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. If I force myself to be honest, I know there’s a reason I get so annoyed and this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and a pang in my heart whenever I hear Gray talk about another girl. But I always talk myself out of it and stop my mind from focusing on it. I mean I have a boyfriend who I’m supposed to be in love with, why would I get jealous over him being with another girl? Right?
Damnit, it’s too early to be thinking about all these feelings. Just like every other day, I tell myself I’ll come back to them at a later time. Even though it never happens. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts. I’ll let myself go there one day, but today isn’t that day. I’m a really great procrastinator when I want to be. It’s kind of a hidden talent of mine.
I sit up on the couch after hearing Brett walk into the room and say, “Good morning.” If looks could kill, I think I’d be a goner right now. I silently read over his body language, which I’ve become very familiar with over the last two years and he is obviously angry. He’s wearing pajama bottoms and a plain white tee, his feet are bare and it looks like he just woke up.
What could he be so mad about? Did a dream piss him off or did he fall out of bed and hit his head or something? Oh, or maybe he pissed himself in his sleep, but I don’t see a wet spot on his pants so that can’t be it. Unless he changed them already? Makes no sense to me.
As he comes closer I can see the tension in his shoulders, his arms are straight down by his sides and he keeps flexing and unflexing his hands like he’s trying to hold himself back. His number one tell of a bad mood is his jaw, he clenches it whenever he’s upset about something and it’s the easiest thing to spot. Looking at him right now, fist clenched, shoulders tense, and jaw ticking it looks like something has really pissed him off this morning.
I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of my boyfriend, I’m just cautious of his moods. He has a pretty nas
ty temper, but doesn’t everyone? Over the last two years I’ve learned how to defuse him if it calls for it. Usually all it takes is me just letting him get whatever it is that’s bothering him off his chest and promising to do better and his mood will lighten. I know that probably sounds manipulative of him or even me, but it’s just how he is and it’s the easiest way to handle his anger. So I just listen and try to be better so it doesn’t happen again.
Slowly I get up from the couch and walk over to where he’s standing, just outside the kitchen. Taking a shaky breath, I compose myself and get ready for the mouthful of words I’m about to hear.
I’m about to speak up to try defuse the situation when he asks, “Who were you talking to on the phone?” I feel my brows furrow in confusion.
Is that why he’s pissed? Did I wake him up by talking too loud on the phone?
“I was talking to Grayson. Why what’s wrong? You seem upset,” I say timidly. My answer seems to do nothing to relieve his mood.
“What were you talking to him about?” he asks obviously still pissed.
“I called him a bunch last night and sent him a lot of texts because he wasn’t answering me after I told him about our trip…,” before I can finish my sentence he grabs my arm and pushes me against the nearest wall. Towering over me I have never seen so much hate in one person’s eyes.
Before I can speak his grip on my arm tightens causing me to flinch in pain. “Why the fuck did you tell him about our trip? It has nothing to do with him,” he roars in my face causing me to flinch again. I’ve never seen him so mad before and I can feel myself starting to shake from fear. I don’t think he’d hit me, but then again he’s never grabbed me like this before either.
As calmly as I can, to try hide my shakiness, I looked at him and say, “He’s my best friend and we tell each other everything. I was also so excited about the surprise that I needed to tell someone and he was the first person I thought of, I’m sorry.”
Barely loosening his hold, he looks down at me and says, “Well it’s not okay. He doesn’t need to know everything we do all the time. You don’t see me running around telling someone else everything about us do you? Do you!”
“N-no I’m sorry, I didn’t think it was a big deal,” I say with a shaky voice.
“Well it is a big deal, so listen to me when I tell you that you aren’t going to do it again.” His grip tightens on my arm again as he pushes himself even closer to me. “From now on you will not tell him anything unless I say it’s okay, do you understand? Oh and before I forget, never fucking say “I love you” to him again. Got it?”
Why is he being like this? I thought we had gotten past this. I never thought he would actually hurt me. I find myself becoming more afraid of him every time he tightens the hold he still has on my arm. He’s never been with upset with me before and it’s not like he hasn’t heard me tell Gray I love him before. So why now? What’s changed? That really seems to be the main question running through my brain lately.
Almost forgetting where I am, I snap back to reality at the sound of his hand hitting the wall right beside my head causing my eyes to snap back to his as he screams at me again. “Do you understand Harmen? It’s a simple yes or no question. Answer me damnit!”
Trying to sound as confident as possible and without shaking I say, “Yes, yes I understand Brett. Can you please let me go? You’re hurting my arm.”
As if just now realizing how tight he’s been holding my arm, he shakes his head and drops both of his arms to his side and takes a couple steps back from me. He rubs both his hands over his face before looking at me with a worried expression.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay, sorry I upset you,” I say weakly.
“It’s fine, you just know I get upset when you share our business with people.”
He left out the part about how he hates when I share our business with people, especially Gray. I’ve never really understood why he seems to dislike Grayson so much, I mean I get that he doesn’t always want me sharing our personal business with people, but he’s never seemed to like Gray.
This is the first time he’s told me not to tell Gray something. I just don’t see the big deal about it, but then again I’ve learned over the years not to question him. It seems to be better for everyone, especially me, if I just listen to him right away instead of fighting him on everything. I know it’s hurt mine and Gray’s friendship, but I also know that he will always be there no matter what and I will continue to tell him things, apparently just not everything like I’d like to do. Or at least I won’t tell Brett about it if I do.
I never wanted any part of our relationship to be based on lies, but if this is the response I’m going to get when I do tell him something he doesn’t like, I don’t think I want to do it anymore. Sometimes I wish it were all just simpler, that I didn’t feel like I had to walk on egg shells around my boyfriend because I am scared of setting him off. I shouldn’t have to live like that.
Looking back up towards his face, I can see that most of the fire has left his eyes. Even though there’s still some lingering, it seems like he’s trying to push the rest away.
“I know, and like I said before I’m sorry. I won’t talk to him or anyone else about our relationship again,” I say hoping to get the last part of fire to dissipate from his eyes.
“Thank you babe. That’s all I ask.” He leans down to kiss my cheek and it takes everything in me not to flinch from his nearness. He gives me one last look at his eyes that no longer hold any homicidal flames in them then leaves the room. Crisis averted.
Once he’s out of the room I slump back against the wall and let myself silently fall to the floor. Sitting on the floor of our apartment I finally feel like I can take my first full breath since yesterday. As much as I know it’s probably best that I do what Brett says, I hate feeling like he’s able to control everything I do and who I talk to.
I never wanted a relationship like that and I know my parents would be disappointed if they were here to see it. I just can’t let a man change everything about me, especially who I talk to and who I interact with. That’s not what I want for my life, so I’m going to do whatever I can to walk the line safely while making sure I don’t lose any part of who I am while I’m at it.
The more I think about it, the more I start to think it’s probably my fault. I suppose I shouldn’t be telling another man “I love you”, even if it is Gray. The only problem is that I do love him, I can’t help it.
No, I can’t let myself think things like this. This is exactly what I’m meaning by letting a guy change me. It isn’t my fault, I know that. So then why am I so quick to make myself responsible for his actions? It isn’t my fault he almost hit me and probably left a bruise on my arm, it’s his.
I think I’m starting to lose my mind, not that I’m surprised, I always knew this day would come. I just thought I’d be in my 80s and in a nursing home with Gray when it actually happened, but apparently not.
Right now I’m just mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just woke up and I feel like going back to bed and pulling the covers over my head is the best thing to do. I need a do-over of this day and it isn’t even noon yet. Lord help me.
Chapter 14
Grayson
Taking a deep breath, I raise my fist and knock on the rundown and splintered door in front of me. I have to tell myself to be patient to stop from pounding on the door and demanding answers, but I know that’s not going to do me any good. So I patiently stand and wait, and stand and wait some more.
After a couple minutes of not hearing anything, not even the creak of a floor board from inside I decide to knock again, only a little harder this time.
“Maybe she didn’t hear me,” I mutter to myself. When I still don’t hear anything I look around to make sure no one is watching me before I try to look in the window at the top of the door. I don’t need someone calling the police on me for being a cr
eep on an old lady’s front step.
Reaching up I look inside and see nothing but darkness. It looks like all the lights are shut off and there’s no sign that anyone might be home. From the looks of the inside, it’s in just as bad of shape as the outside. I sit back on my heels and look around. From the outside condition of the house and the neighborhood the house sits in, you can tell this is definitely a bad part of town. It’s nothing but blocks and blocks of run down trailer homes.
Each one looks like it’s either inhabited or should be demolished if it’s not, they probably should be demolished even if they are inhabited if I’m being honest. Some have missing steps or fences that have fallen over from lack of care; some have boards on the roofs and windows, which I’m assuming is because they can’t afford to replace the existing ones. The roads and sidewalks are over run by weeds, it seems that the city and even the residents don’t care what it looks like.
On the outside Sally’s house looks like it’s been in a fight with a storm or two and the storm won. Yellow siding is falling from the exterior walls and it looks like some has already found its sanctuary on the ground. The brown shingles are starting to peel themselves off the roof like they are so repulsed by the home that they no longer want to be there. I can honestly say I don’t blame them. Even some of the windows are boarded up and it looks like the steps I’m standing on are barely holding me up.
I reach up to try to take a peek at the inside again to see how it compares to the outside. By looking through the small window at the top of the door I can’t see much more than the kitchen and what looks like the living room. From what I can see, it looks like it’s barely livable, pretty much the exact same as the outside.
Like I noticed before, no lights seem to be on and it looks like no one is home. Looking around at the mess inside, I notice food sitting on the table along with a coffee cup filled with some type of drink. It looks like it’s been partially eaten, but that’s as far as someone got.
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