by Kamisa Cole
I swallowed. “Are you one of those people who think I’m too young to know what love feels like? What it means? Are you saying I don’t know what love is? Is that it?”
“No, I’m saying I don’t know what it is,” he replied and then moved, clearly wanting to leave the bed.
I drew him in, made sure he couldn’t go anywhere, and when he reluctantly rested his head above my heart, I kissed the crown of his hair. I knew I was going to show him what it meant to be loved and to love someone.
“That’s okay, Kash. I swear. You are perfect the way you are. Every tattoo, every doubt, every caring part of you is exactly the way it should be.”
His shoulders were trembling. I didn’t know what it meant and was too afraid to ask, so I kept talking. “We can do this. We did this before we decided to do this because you looked out for me and I stared at you, drooling all over the floor.”
He chuckled quietly and I felt relief flood me. He squeezed my hip where his arm was resting, and I started to run my fingertips down his spine. He shivered and I did it again and again, loving the way it caused him to melt into me. Taking a deep breath, I leaned in again to kiss his hair. “I love you, and I’m not afraid of saying that. I’m also in no hurry to hear it back from you because you have time. So much time. I’m not gonna let you go now that I have you.” And I meant that. God, maybe it wasn’t the right time for such an intense talk, maybe it was too serious too soon but it was what I felt and really, did it make a difference when you said the words? When you declared what you were aiming for?
“Oh, and also… I hope you don’t change in front of anyone or you might have to explain the red marks I left on your body.” And I didn’t feel bad about it one bit. Not that I’d marked him on purpose.
This time.
“Only at the gym, and I don’t care what the others think. I’ll enjoy looking at the marks and knowing you gave them to me while I was balls-deep inside of you.”
Clearly, this was part of the talk he was more comfortable with. “So you’re okay with everyone knowing you’re mine?” I asked cautiously.
He moved until his hand was resting under his chin on my chest. “You are my boyfriend and I didn’t complain about you calling me that, did I? In fact, I like calling you that, too. I’m pretty sure that means I’m perfectly fine with being yours.”
And he was mine, I knew that. I was just curious whether he knew it too. Even though there were twelve years between us, I felt as if we were on equal ground here. He’d never had a boyfriend before and neither had I. While he was obviously afraid of it, I didn’t mind fighting for it, going for everything I wanted with him. If he needed me to be the one to guide us through the unchartered waters, I was ready for it.
After all, he could guide me through everything between the sheets, and that balanced it out and made us equals.
I felt his lips ghosting over my chest. “I cannot wait to wake up next to you again,” he whispered against my skin.
“Yeah, be kind enough and stay in bed so I can experience the same?” I asked and he nodded.
“I’m not going anywhere…Alec.”
Another Baby Boy he hadn’t said, but hey, I’d get him there again, and I suddenly looked forward to the challenge.
KASH
I ignored my buzzing phone, shoving it straight back into my pocket, and Savage arched a brow at me. “What’s going on? Figured your stalker is inside and has no time to bother you.”
He grinned, clearly happy with his comment, and I found myself smiling. He didn’t know that it wasn’t Alec stalking me, but the other way around. Since his confession ten days ago I’d been waiting for him to realize that maybe he couldn’t live with it: him saying I love you and me kissing his nose in response.
I couldn’t give my heart to him, didn’t know what it meant to love someone, and therefore I worried our time would be even shorter than I’d first thought. “It’s the boss,” I explained, forcing all thoughts of Alec away before I made my way inside just to see him beaming at me because nothing had changed, Savage hot on my heels.
Why in the world are you suddenly so worried about being alone when you didn’t even want to be with him in the first place? my mind asked, but I ignored that too.
“The boss? Why? I mean… I don’t know when he last talked to me.”
I wished I could say the same. Then again, it had only been a few weeks since we’d taken over at DiverCity, and yet I felt as if everything had changed. Contrary to Savage though I knew what he wanted to talk about, and I hoped pretending I didn’t hear my phone would avoid the inevitable. After having seen Alec’s smile, we went back to resume our position in front of the club.
“Well, it’s not gonna be a pleasant talk, so I’d rather… You know, ignore him.”
My best friend cocked his head. “Not a pleasant talk?”
Sighing, I glanced up and down the road. It wasn’t even six so it was a quiet evening, and that made for less work.
In fact, inside there were seven regulars, which was why Savage was out here with me instead of keeping watch inside.
“Lydia messaged me, telling me the boss heard about the arrest at work. Was furious, obviously. I assume he wants to hear what I did, and I just… It doesn’t matter how I spin it, I hit Alec’s father first.” Lydia was our secretary and liked me enough to let me know what was coming.
“Because the jackass deserved it.”
Only our boss wouldn’t see it that way because I was on the job and we had a reputation to uphold. After all, we were the best in Seattle. “I just don’t want him chewing me out, or worse, putting me on a break.” I didn’t know why the perspective of being off for a long period of time freaked me out so much, but it did.
Sav nudged me with his shoulder. “How about you find your balls, talk to him, and get it over with? I mean, for real. Stop being a pussy.”
“Dude.”
“I don’t wanna insult chickens, either,” he just shrugged, and I was about to comment when Nash came out, lighting a cigarette. I hadn’t seen him smoke before, but even with my limited knowledge about the team I knew he usually didn’t.
I glanced at Sav and my best friend instantly understood. “I’m gonna go and check if they’re still bored to death inside,” he commented and then vanished.
“I asked for tomorrow off. Kash, we need to talk, and this is the kind of talk I’m not going to have just anywhere. I need alcohol for it. A lot.”
Rubbing my palms across my face I felt the scruff, wondering briefly if I needed to shave. “Nash, look… Whatever this is… You know… I… Alec and I are just—”
“Not that, bro, trust me. It’s not about me hitting on you.” He shivered. “Couldn’t be further from that. I’m having a crisis and I need you to work through it with me. So, tomorrow. Sav already rearranged the schedule.”
I arched a brow, pissed. “He did? Seems he’s forgotten that he isn’t my boss and it’s the other way around.”
Nash shrugged, then dropped the cigarette butt and made sure it was snuffed out. “I must’ve looked horrible enough. What’s an acceptable time to drink?”
I rolled my eyes. “Never or always? Trust me, buddy, I will not wait until you deem it time to get drunk. We’re meeting at ten tomorrow after Alec leaves for work.”
He snorted. “Staying over a lot now, huh? Can’t get enough of you lately, can he?”
I didn’t tell him that it was me making sure Alec was by my side. No one understood it, and I couldn’t explain it properly myself, so no one else could.
They hadn’t grown up the way I did. “I don’t think I could handle not having his dick now that we’re together,” I joked.
“You’re bottoming? For real?”
I didn’t, not normally, and although it had been on my mind lately because of Alec’s fantasies, I still was angry at the comment. “What, because I’m bulky you think I’m also—”
“This is not about you. This is about the way Alec looks at you, Kas
h, and that’s a look of someone who wants to be owned, not own,” he explained and then sighed, looking up at the sky. “I like the way he looks at you, hopeful, with a small smile. You know, almost as if life hasn’t fucked with him yet. Which isn’t true. We know that, but it’s all… You know… Before the storm comes.”
Shaking my head, I squinted at him. “Aren’t you supposed to be the fun one? You sound more like the little emo kid. I mean, rainbow and black don’t exactly go together.”
Nash didn’t even smile. “My place, at ten?”
“Your place is Gage’s place. How about you come by mine instead?”
Finally, there was a grin on Nash’s face, even if it didn’t last long. “If it smells like sex, I’m instantly leaving.”
“I’m gonna make sure we do it twice before you get there. Jealously looks good on you,” I taunted, and he pushed my shoulder, then got serious again.
“Don’t have other plans for tomorrow. Trust me on that.” And with that he left, making me wonder how long it would take for me to march in there and demand to know what was going on right now.
Luckily, the evening crowd finally picked up and eventually there was enough to do so I wasn’t able to constantly worry about what in the world was going on.
ALEC
The last few days had been busy. Good, but busy. Between work and spending my nights with Kash, I felt as if I couldn’t stop to catch my breath. I didn’t think I’d ever felt happier, and although the three words seemed impossible for Kash to say, I felt it in the way he squeezed me just that bit tighter whenever I said them.
“Don’t scare him off,” Cam muttered next to me as if he could read my thoughts. And maybe he could. Then again, my stupid grin probably was a tell.
“Let him be happy, Cameron, for God’s sake,” Angela injected from where she was stirring the soup of the day, pumpkin something.
My best friend glanced over his shoulder. “Kash can’t even say ‘I love you’, so I don’t think Alec should cling too much. I mean… Come on, there’s nothing worse.”
“Cam,” I hissed, regretting having shared that. Then again, he was in a weird mood today, and I felt as if he didn’t care who was going to be thrown under the bus while he got it out of his system.
Angela turned. “He doesn’t? The big, tattooed bad boy cannot get ‘I love you’ out when it’s so obvious?”
“Apparently he believes loving someone is a choice.” He used air quotes and I pushed his shoulder, but before I could say a word I realized Angela was staring toward the door.
I didn’t even want to look. “And guess what. He also thought private things are private, so… Guess he was wrong. And stupid for… Whatever.” He shook his head and spun around.
“Kash, wait,” I called out to him, but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. Glaring at Cam, I arched a brow. “Feeling better now? Is that what you wanted? Because you’re in a fucking mood no one else can be happy?” He had the decency to pale, but I didn’t care. Checking my watch I realized Kash’s shift was over, which was probably the reason he’d dropped by. It wasn’t often he was done before I was but Nyra had started to pick up later shifts because she preferred them, and Kash liked the idea of us getting more time together at night.
Following him out I wasn’t sure I’d even catch him. Nash cut me off, and I didn’t know what to think about him. “You pissed him off, Alec, and in case you didn’t realize it… It’s not an ideal time to follow him.”
I pulled my arm free. “I hurt him, that’s different, and he’s my boyfriend, so I need to fix this.”
Nash crossed his arms in front of his chest, stepping in my way. “Let me rephrase… Give him some space. Maybe Saturday you can talk it out and—”
“Tomorrow’s Friday.” And I didn’t even want to wait until then. I wanted to talk to him right now, to kiss him, and make sure he knew I’d never told Cam that to hurt Kash.
“He and I are going to hang out tomorrow and once you’re done working, he won’t be in any state to talk to you,” Nash predicted, and I hated him that moment.
In fact, I was also jealous as hell, but wouldn’t say that out loud. Nash was handsome, and so was Kash. They were closer in age, and suddenly knowing those two were going to hang out while Kash was disappointed in me… I knew he wouldn’t be like that, but that didn’t stop me from worrying. What if Nash played the ‘too young’ card and Kash fell right into that trap? What if—
What if I went and made sure Kash wouldn’t be mad at me anymore tomorrow? That would surely be the best choice anyway. Purposefully pushing into Nash, I hurried after Kash. Chances were low that I’d still catch him, but I had to try.
“You should not drive. Not pissed off like you are. Stay another thirty minutes,” Savage just urged, and I watched how Kash shook him off.
“I’m fine. It’s a short drive and I’m a fucking grown man.”
“I agree with Savage, you should not drive,” I declared, and saw the way Kash closed his eyes, his hands going up to his hair. The rings were glittering in the light of a streetlamp as he combed them through his dark strands.
“Better fix that, Baby Boy,” Sav muttered as he passed me while I stepped closer to Kash.
“You said you were okay with it,” he accused, not turning back to me. His rolled-up sleeves tempted me to touch his arm just so I could feel his skin under mine.
“I am okay with it!” I argued. “I told Cam because…because…”
Finally, he turned to me, and I realized how insecure he felt over the whole topic, how bad, and how much I’d played right into that.
“Yes? You told him because it hurt you, and because it was…is not okay.” He started pacing and I reached for him.
“I told him because he’s my best friend and if someone should know how much it isn’t an issue, it’s him. I l—” I stopped myself, thinking that maybe now wasn’t the right time to say the exact words that got us in this mess. “I lounge with him all day, work with him the rest of the time. I told him what I said to you because I needed the world to know, now matter what. I still do. I meant that I don’t care because I can feel it, Kash. I know it. When you look at me, when you touch me… It doesn’t matter if you say it or not.”
He shook his head, almost frantic, and then stepped back. “I cannot love you, Alec. And you don’t love me. No one ever has loved me. People just leave me, and you…” His expression softened. “You won’t be any different because you are vibrant and fun and just getting into this being you-thing. I don’t know how to commit to a person.”
Denial took over my body. “No. I mean… No. You can. Your team… You’re committed to your team.” And he was to me. I knew that. I did. Didn’t I?
“Maybe the reason you told Cam is because you’re upset and don’t want to admit it. And maybe you’d be better off with him, seeing as you can say things to him you probably should have said to me.”
I knew what he was doing and closed the gap between us to cage him against his car. He let me, and that was the biggest tell he wanted this, me. He rested his forehead against mine. “You’re not pushing me away. Okay, I shouldn’t have talked to him, not when it was so personal, but see, to me it wasn’t a big deal, which is why I didn’t think about it. It was never to make you feel as if you weren’t enough the way you are.”
My hands curled into his black jacket and, although I was arguing with him, I knew that tonight I shouldn’t be showing up at his apartment.
Tonight, he should get the space he currently seemed to crave as he nudged me back. “You should be the grown up, you know?” I teased, but he didn’t even crack a smile. “I have to get back. And Kash? Loving me is not a bad thing, even if it doesn’t fill you with fluffy feelings right now because you don’t know how to handle them. It’s okay. And I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Have fun with Nash, but if you get drunk, send nudes. Of you, not Nash.”
Finally, the corner of his lip twitched. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and then claimed my
lips. His kiss tasted different, but I was not going to let him go forever. We hadn’t been apart since that night over a week ago, but maybe that was too much in the end.
Too serious too soon.
“Nash wants to talk,” Kash whispered.
“If he tells you he wants to date you, tell him he can call me Baby Boy all he wants but I’ll have his balls if he hits on you.”
This caused Kash to laugh, then he pulled me into his arms, hugging me tight. I held onto him, soaking up his closeness, and knew I hadn’t been wrong.
Kash loved me, whether he knew it or not.
KASH
“You’re such a fucking idiot,” I said to myself as I stared in my mirror. I’d driven home after kissing Alec goodbye and, while I wasn’t really upset any longer—he was young and inexperienced, which was why I’d hesitated in the first place—I had still thought being away from Alec for a night would be good.
Facing my empty apartment, my empty bed, I suddenly didn’t know why I thought that was anything but dumb. However, while the talk with Nash was looming I was kind of glad I’d have the night alone.
Splashing some water onto my face I stepped out of my work clothes and found sweatpants and a shirt, then walked into the living room. For a moment I considered turning on the TV, but I took my phone out instead. There was a number I hadn’t called in years, and I didn’t know why I felt the urge now, but I did.
It rang for a long time, almost long enough to make me hang up again, but then someone answered. “Matchington?”
“Hey Caroline,” I said quietly, and there was a gasp in reply.
“Kash? Is that you?”
I swallowed. “Yes. It’s been—”
“Nine years, son. Had I known how to contact you, I would’ve done it. I was… I…” I heard her quivering tone and wondered if I’d landed in an alternate universe. Also, it couldn’t have been nine years.