by Kamisa Cole
“It isn’t nine years.”
She laughed, the sound haunted. “You came out to us and then were out of the door, leaving everything behind. It has been nine years. And I know because the calendar that you used to track the days is still on the table, still on the date you walked out.”
Rendered speechless, I shifted on the couch and wished Alec was with me. As if he’d heard me, there was a knock on the door. I went to open it, relief pouring out of me.
“I—”
Before he could say anything else I’d pulled him inside, pointing at my phone.
“You know… I left Antony like a year after you… You know. And then… I met someone new. Kash, I’ve been wanting to apologize to you, to talk to you.” She started to sob while I walked back to the couch, dropping down on it while Alec took off his shoes, confusion written all over his face.
“Apologize?” A little late for that, right?
“I raised you the way I’d been raised. I didn’t think love existed, and that we could pick whom we declare it to, but it wasn’t until I met Brad and fell head over heels that I realized what I’d done to you. Literally. I ruined your life. There’s no other way to say it. Can we… Where are you? I could come and see you. I want to… I…”
I exhaled slowly. “You want to what, Caroline? Also, you kept the Matchington name.” I didn’t care about why she’d done it, but I needed Alec to catch up, and his blue eyes lit up with understanding. He crawled into my lap, wrapping himself around me, and it was only then that I noticed how badly I was trembling.
“It’s part of my life and, as of now, the only thing still connecting us. I didn’t know how to be a mother, and I missed out on all those years, but… I want to catch up. Thirty-one years is a long time, too much to miss, but I don’t care. I’ll come to you, I’ll match your schedule. I just… I hope…” She paused for a moment, then cleared her throat. “I want a chance to show you that love isn’t a choice. I want to show you that I loved you even when I didn’t know it. I wasn’t a hugger, or I thought I wasn’t, and I wasn’t a mother until Brad, but now…”
I swallowed harder. “Are there…kids?” Did my adoptive mother have real children now? Her own flesh and blood?
“Just you. I didn’t want to start over with a new child. I want to make it right with the one I have.”
Tears burned behind my eyes and I pinched the bridge of my nose, the movement bringing Alec even closer. “You’re gonna be okay, Kash,” he whispered, his lips brushing over my cheeks. “I’m here. You’re gonna be okay.”
I wanted to believe him, but this was too much. Especially because for years I hadn’t felt the need to see my adoptive parents in any capacity, and now I suddenly wanted to beg the woman who’d taken me in to drop everything and visit me straight away.
“Is that…?”
“My boyfriend,” I replied, tensing, but she just squealed.
“Something serious? What’s his name? Is he handsome? Of course he’s handsome. You always had your looks going for you.”
I pressed a quick kiss to Alec’s lips. “Mom… I mean… Caroline, can we please, maybe… I…”
The phone was gone from my hand before I knew what was happening, and before I could find out what she thought about me calling her mom. I’d never realized that despite everything I thought of her as my mother…and wanted to call her that.
“Mrs. Matchington, my name is Alec and I’m your son’s boyfriend. Apologies for hijacking the phone, but maybe this should be done in person. Kash will send you his address and then, whenever you’re ready, maybe we can meet up in Seattle and—”
Even I heard the heavy sobbing on the other end. “So close,” my mother forced out. “He’s always been so close…”
Of course I had. I’d known Seattle was big enough to hide in, and besides… I’d never assumed she’d start looking for me. Or would even want to.
Alec nodded, his expression soft while his fingertips traveled over my chin. “He still is. Again… He’ll text you, okay? I think we should hang up now. Don’t be upset I’m finishing the talk, okay?”
I didn’t hear what my mother replied and, although I was curious, I couldn’t ask. I couldn’t get my mouth to form any words, and it upset me.
“Don’t cry, Kash,” Alec whispered and brushed a tear from my cheek that I hadn’t even realized I’d shed. “Please, don’t cry.”
“I’m not.”
He chuckled, then pulled me close and I rested my forehead against his shoulder. “I don’t know why I called her.” And I didn’t.
He shrugged. “Your life is finally working out, and yes, I’m counting myself as your blessing and your direction, so it’s no wonder you’d think about your parents. I like it, actually. You know, they are part of who you are, big part, even if they were a bad influence. Being the bigger man to call them because you miss them? Good move.”
And just like that he’d put into words what I hadn’t even realized I was thinking.
I’d missed my parents, even if they’d never made me feel loved in the first place. Maybe fucked-up homes didn’t mean that you couldn’t get attached. Maybe they just meant you’d grow up to be better—and frankly, suddenly I wondered if I only now making my way to that point, or if I was already there.
ALEC
It took forever for Kash to fall asleep, but once his breath finally evened out, getting deeper, I pushed up from the bed. I didn’t want to walk away from him, not when I was sure he would wake up still upset. But there was something I had to do before I could put my past behind me.
While Kash was hoping to have a family again I had an unbreakable urge to end whatever relationship I had with my father, and that meant I had to sneak into his house one last time.
My stomach dropped at the thought, a feeling of foreboding had my hands trembling as I dressed, but I ignored it. It was the second time that day I’d felt that way because after I finished my shift, ready to go home and give Kash exactly the space he’d wanted, I couldn’t ignore the need to see him one more time that night, even if it was only for a kiss.
And boy, I was glad I’d listened to my instincts. I didn’t know what had prompted him to call his mother, but whatever he’d expected to hear hadn’t come to pass. And I was relieved about that. I wanted him to understand that love was indeed unconditional and not something you had a choice in.
Not that I would push him anymore, but having his mother in his life? Or…a mother in this case, would probably make it better.
I grabbed my keys and my backpack, hesitating at the door before going back into the bedroom to press another kiss to Kash’s cheek, then I went outside. It was late—or early, depending on whom you asked—and the streets were less busy than I was used to. Seattle was a big city and there was always a buzz, but during certain hours of the night, the noise was distant, the sounds muted, and I usually loved those moments. Right now, they put me on edge.
Of course, when I reached my father’s house—my old home—there was no quiet to be found.
“No, Sybelle, I don’t give a fuck what you think about family. You aren’t my family. You abandoned me like they all did,” I heard the arguing before I’d even slipped the hidden key from beneath the doormat. I’d hoped to get in and out unnoticed, but it didn’t seem to be happening, so I straightened my shoulders.
I unlocked the door and found my father directly in front of me, pacing the hallway with only a few side lamps lighting up the stuffy space. His jaw dropped before anger engulfed his expression. If he’d been mad before, he was thunderous now. “What do you want here, hole taker?”
I gritted my teeth, ready to pass him. “Just picking up a few things.” I’d start in my bedroom although the thing I needed most wouldn’t be there.
It would be in his study.
“It’s none of your business who I’m talking to. Son, get back here!”
I tried to ignore the barked orders, unsure of why he hadn’t hung up on his sister yet when he cle
arly didn’t want to talk to her. I’d heard about Aunt Sybelle, but I didn’t know more than her name. I’d never met her because my father hated his side of the family.
Well, basically my father hated everyone, but family was always worse than anyone else.
See: me.
“I’m not under your command anymore, Dad,” I called back because I figured not replying would be worse.
“Where’s your pimp? The old guy? He’s selling you out, isn’t he? At that club you work for. What’s it called again? Homo-Meet?”
I knew better than to react, but I couldn’t stand the way he talked about DiverCity or Kash, so I shook my head, meeting his eyes from an elevated position since I was on the stairs. “It’s called DiverCity, you homophobic ass, and they generally call Kash my boyfriend.”
Which reminded me of the fact that Kash had supposedly caused him permanent injuries. I went two steps down again. “That’s the guy you attacked and who protected me, although I didn’t know at the time. You don’t look that injured, Dad.” I was tempted to poke his hip just to prove my point but touching him was out of question.
“You bastard…” I heard my Aunt’s voice scream, sounding metallic and far away through the phone, trying to get my father’s attention. It distracted me for a moment, causing me to wonder why she’d called when they’d never gotten along.
Then again, sometimes you just reached out to your family in hopes of making everything better, didn’t you? Hadn’t I just seen that tonight? I suddenly wanted to contact her, wanted to have family somewhere that maybe loved me, but I knew asking my father for the number would be futile.
God, I needed to get out of here as soon as possible because he was making me wish for things that would never happen, and things I wanted to do that I shouldn’t.
Like beat up a person.
Not that I’d be strong enough, especially if he was raging.
So I did the only thing I could and turned away, ready to get upstairs, grab a few of my favorite clothes, and then find my birth certificate before leaving for good.
I’d found a new family, one that didn’t require blood for inclusion and that was who I needed to stick to.
I heard something shatter when I reached my bedroom door and I didn’t think about it further, didn’t wonder what it possibly could’ve been.
My hands trembled harder as I heard my father’s heavy footsteps on the stairs, but I forced myself not to rush. I didn’t want him to see how terrified he made me feel.
“What is this?”
“I’m moving out. For good.”
“In with the guy who gives it to you up the ass? Who breeds you like his prized horse? Isn’t that what you gays do?”
I gritted my teeth, only realizing when I tasted blood that I’d bitten down on my lip and exhaled slowly. Not dignifying his words with a reaction was dangerous, I knew that, but I hoped Kash had put him in his place aggressively enough to not touch me.
As much as I didn’t think Kash was scary, I had no doubt he could be when he wanted to, and having beaten someone up? Yeah, that would make you wary of someone, right? “Kash is my protector, my boyfriend, and the man I love. He’s also not afraid to use his hands or connections, Dad, never forget that.”
And by connections I meant the entire security team behind him, all trained professionals that would watch out for me as if I were someone important to them, that much I knew.
“Are you threatening me, son?”
I closed my backpack, deciding that whatever I didn’t have now I wouldn’t miss anyway, and stood, shouldering it. I waited for a few seconds before I lifted my eyes and met my father’s.
“I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t call me son anymore. You didn’t treat me like a son before I came out, and we know how it went afterward. I’m grabbing one last thing, and then I’m going to forget about you forever. I’d appreciate it if you’d do the same.”
I stepped around him, surprised by my bravery and the way he seemed frozen. When I was at the top of the stairs, I exhaled slowly, wondering if it could’ve really been this easy.
I should have known better.
I shouldn’t have turned my back on my father.
I shouldn’t have gone back home at all.
Now I could only hope I’d make it out alive.
KASH
Frantic knocking on my door woke me, and when I reached for Alec’s half of the bed I found it cold. I wasn’t the least bit surprised since a glance at the clock revealed I’d slept until ten.
Fuck, the banger on the door was probably Nash. I groaned as I pushed up into a seated position, unsure of when I’d last been so emotionally drained.
Pulling over sweatpants and a shirt I dragged myself toward the front door and opened it. It only took a mere second before I realized Nash had been right about needing alcohol.
It was like looking into a mirror. Between when I’d last seen him and now he’d shaved off his beard until it was as neatly trimmed as mine. In fact, it looked like mine, and so did the way he wore his hair. Didn’t help that he also wore sweatpants and a shirt, both almost the same color as mine.
A strained smirk played over his lips and he held out the bottle of whiskey he’d brought, then pushed past me after I’d grabbed it. I cracked the lid after closing the door, following him inside. “I knew I’d picked right with the leisure outfit.”
I took a long swig, wincing when the burning liquid hit my empty stomach. Maybe I should be starting with a coffee instead.
Damn, I wished I’d woken up when Alec left for his shift. I could’ve used a kiss this morning. “I need coffee,” I muttered after passing the bottle back to him. He followed me to the kitchen, and I couldn’t help but notice how I probably looked exactly the same way when leaning on the doorframe, right down to the pouty lips and watchful expression. He lifted the bottle and toasted me.
“Talk,” I suggested because this wasn’t going to get better or change if we waited for another hour—or three.
“My mother had someone look into the adoption when they picked me up. Turns out I had a brother. She knew they couldn’t handle twins, but she also couldn’t handle the thought of not knowing what happened to him,” he explained, and I watched my coffee drip into the glass coffee pot, licking my lips.
“She could’ve just waited thirty-one years and she would’ve known, huh?”
Nash’s lips flickered with a brief smile. “You figured it out.”
I pointed at his appearance. “You couldn’t have been more obvious even if you tried, brother.” I tried the word on my lips, realizing it felt weird—yet somehow it clicked something into place. It wasn’t that my world shifted, Alec had done that for me, but it was as if I suddenly had a clear view whereas before it was foggy. It was like one of those moments when you got your first pair of glasses, and you realized everything had been blurry but because you didn’t know it any other way you hadn’t realized it.
Again, the bottle found its way to his lips and this time I saw it shaking. “How long have you known?” Because it would explain the way he’d been trying to stay in contact with me, to hang to with me. Hell, it explained why he had suddenly been somewhat protective.
I’d chalked it up to him knowing he was adopted too, but this…
“A while,” he admitted.
“Impossible.” As much as the evidence—aka his looks—was saying to the contrary.
“Caroline Matchington is your mother. Adoptive mother. You broke your arm when you were eight. Fun fact, my mother knew that because I’d cracked my head trying to fly after jumping off the shed roof. She’d seen you in the hallway with Caroline at the hospital. She even spoke to you. Our adoptive mothers didn’t change the names our mother gave us. And my mom told me about it after I mentioned you. So, when I told you I was adopted… I knew. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
I stared at the coffee without seeing it, and only noticed it was done when the soft clicking of the machine turning itself o
ff echoed around the kitchen. On autopilot I pulled out a mug, set it down, and filled it, then prepped my coffee the way I liked it before looking at Nash again.
“Did you tell anyone?”
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how it was for him, having found out his family wasn’t his family, and then realizing he had a brother.
I nodded toward the hallway, hoping Nash understood that we should be going back to the living room because I wasn’t sure my legs were going to support me much longer.
“I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t believe it. I really didn’t. And then, I started watching you, and hung out with you, and while we’re not the same when it comes to how we were raised, there are a lot of things we do the same way. Like… You start eating before anyone else does. I always do that, and I don’t even know why. I hate sharing my food, even though I’ve never had to share it. My mom used to tell me about how, when I was younger, she caught me talking in my room when I was alone. She’d ask who I was talking to, and I’d reply I was talking to my brother. I couldn’t have been more than four or five. And when she’d point out I didn’t have a brother, I’d look at her and deny that.”
It couldn’t be. “I was sent to the school psychologist a lot because I tended to talk to myself. Or so people said. It stopped when I was old enough to be aware of it, like seriously, but… How can that be?”
I sat on the couch, waiting.
Nash shook his head. “Honest answer? I don’t know. I’ve been reading up on twin connections since I found out, and I don’t know if I just imagine it, or not, but I always felt as if I’d forgotten something. Like… All through my life I’ve been returning to places because I felt as if I left something behind. Turns out it seemed to be my brain reminding me I have a twin I didn’t know anything about.”
I sipped my coffee to cover up the lack of anything to say, and burned my tongue, welcoming the feeling. I used to go back and check if I forgot things. I did it until a couple of years ago. Then I started to remind myself that I had everything and eventually the feeling eased a little.