Secrets Between Us

by Valerie Keogh

  ‘I was told by Mr Davidson there was a chance there might be one available sooner,’ she said.

  The sigh on the other end of the line was audible and sounded as frustrated as Ellie was. ‘I’m very sorry,’ the sales agent said. ‘Mr Davidson, as I’m sure you discovered, is very charming. Problem is, he doesn’t like to say no to people so he makes vague promises to do his best. It’s his standard answer to all requests, Mrs Armstrong. The development is on target and there should be no reason your sister can’t move in on the agreed date, but that is still two months away.’

  There was nothing she could do but be gracious and hang up.

  ‘It’s just two months,’ Will said when she told him. ‘It’ll fly by.’

  Maybe it did for him but, for her, the days crawled.

  She started to count down the days, ticking them off on a desk calendar at work. There were only fourteen to go when she had a phone call from the sales agent to say the completion date had been pushed back.

  ‘Newts,’ she told Will that night. ‘They’ve found newts right where the final phase was to be built.’ She dropped her head into her hand. ‘Some blasted rare type of goddamn stupid newt,’ she said, her voice muffled. She lifted her face. ‘They have to wait until the ridiculous creatures have been assessed by some environmental team. And if,’ she said, her voice trembling with fury, ‘the blasted things are breeding, they may not allow them to be moved until the breeding season is over. So, we just have to wait for their assessment.’

  It was two more weeks before she heard the good news. The newts could be moved.

  ‘A two-week delay isn’t too bad,’ Will said, putting his fork down. ‘I was afraid it was going to take months,’ he added.

  It was Sunday and they were doing what they often did, having breakfast in a local cafe. Tia, glued to a movie at home, shook her head when she was asked if she wanted to come. Ellie lazily turned the pages of the Sunday paper, her eyes scanning for anything interesting.

  ‘What?’ she asked, looking up.

  ‘I was just saying,’ he repeated patiently, ‘that a two-week delay isn’t too bad. It could have been a lot worse.’

  Ellie’s brow furrowed. She’d told him the good news on Friday. ‘Uh-huh.’

  ‘When do you think we should tell her?’

  Without looking up, Ellie said, ‘There’s no point in telling her until the day she’s going. She won’t remember and then I’ll have to tell her again.’ In fact, Ellie was less and less convinced that Tia’s memory was that bad. Her reluctance to tell her was more to do with those calculating looks her sister continued to give her. Ellie wouldn’t admit, even to herself, that she was starting to feel a little nervous around her. She turned a page, straightened the paper and only then looked across at him. ‘Trust me; I know the best way to handle this, Will.’

  He shrugged and then reached across the table for her hand. ‘Maybe it’s a good time to talk about our future then,’ he said.

  Ellie wanted to pull her hand away and stop a conversation that was destined to cause them both pain before it started. Instead, she left her hand in his and looked down at the table.

  ‘We should think about surrogacy, Ellie,’ he said gently. ‘It would be our child, even if you didn’t carry it. We’d be the child’s biological parents.’

  She kept her gaze on the table for a few seconds more and then lifted her face, eyes swimming with tears, and pulled her hand away. ‘I’m sorry. I’m being terribly selfish because I know how much you want a child but I cannot…’ She swallowed a gulp. ‘I just cannot face going through something so…’ She sought for the right word, settling for, ‘unnatural.’

  She saw his mouth open to argue the point but he must have seen something implacable in her face. A look of sorrow crossed his before he turned back to his newspaper, giving it his undivided attention.

  It would have been easy to reach out, grab his hand and say she’d do it. But it would have been a cruel lie. She could never have gone through it; it was irrational, she knew it was, but the thought of surrogacy appalled her. She picked up the paper she’d been reading but the words blurred. Wondering if Will was having the same problem, she shot him a glance from under her eyelashes.

  If he were, it wasn’t obvious. She sighed and turned a page before folding the paper and putting it down.

  Will did the same. ‘We’d better go,’ he said, his face sombre. They left the cafe, and parted at the corner of their street. ‘I’ll be home for dinner,’ Will said, kissing her on the cheek. ‘Have a nice relaxing afternoon.’

  She brought her hand up to his face and patted it gently. ‘I love you,’ she said with unusual seriousness.

  He bent to kiss her on the lips, a lingering kiss that said, more than words could, that he loved her too. But she saw the confusion in his eyes and knew he still didn’t completely understand.

  She forced a smile. ‘Enjoy the match. Give my love to the others.’

  ‘You can change your mind,’ he said, putting his hand over hers before adding, ‘And come with us.’

  She lifted her chin. ‘I know,’ she said, ‘but I won’t.’ She watched the confusion in his eyes turn to sadness and turned away. ‘I’ve had an exhausting week, I really fancy just chilling out on the sofa. Go, enjoy the match. I’ll see you later.’

  At home, she changed into pyjamas and her cashmere robe. Comfort dressing. Perfect for the afternoon she’d planned. A good movie, nice chocolates and a glass or two of wine.

  Coming out of her bedroom, she was surprised to see Tia coming out of hers. ‘I thought you were downstairs watching television,’ she said.

  ‘The movie is over,’ Tia said. She turned to close her bedroom door, caught for a moment in the weak spring sunshine that flooded in from the tall windows in her room.

  Ellie’s eyes widened as Tia was silhouetted for a moment, her body clearly outlined by the light shining through the fine cotton shirt she wore. She swallowed when she saw the curve of her belly. No. It wasn’t possible, was it? She watched as Tia smiled at her, the corners of her mouth wavering under Ellie’s intense look.

  She shook her head. ‘Sorry,’ she said, taking a step backward.

  As Tia passed, her eyes dropped once more to her belly. She was just being stupid. A smile of self-ridicule curved her lips briefly. Honestly, she was becoming quite paranoid.

  She went into the main bathroom and stood sideways in front of the large mirror, opened her robe and smoothed her pyjama top over her stomach. But even tilting her hips forward couldn’t make her flat belly curve in the same way.

  She sat on the edge of the bath, her mind in a turmoil. What if she weren’t imagining it? She’d thought that seeing evidence of Tia’s fertility every month would distress her, but when did she last see any? When did she last see wrappers and empty tampon boxes? She couldn’t remember. Months?

  Had Tia’s flirtatiousness gone a step further? ‘Oh, dear Lord,’ she muttered, standing and shifting her weight from foot to foot. What on earth was she going to do?

  Finally, with her lower lip caught between her teeth, she went downstairs and opened the door to the kitchen.

  Tia had found another movie to watch. She was sitting relaxed, her feet resting on the pouffe, looking as if she hadn’t a care in the world. Maybe she hadn’t? Ellie chewed harder on her lip. She had to be sure.

  ‘I need to talk to you,’ she said, waiting for Tia to turn down the volume. When she didn’t, Ellie sighed. ‘Can you turn that down, please?’

  The silence was sudden and uncomfortable.

  Ellie paced and then turned to look at her sister, narrowed eyes assessing her.

  Surely, she was wrong. Of course, she was wrong! What had she been thinking? She was about to smile an apology and leave her to her television when Tia raised her arms to put her hands behind her head, a pose so studiously relaxed she wondered, much later, if it had been deliberate. It was a pose that defiantly showed off the gentle swell of her belly.

&
nbsp; Feeling the world tip under her feet, Ellie moved to the other end of the sofa and sat heavily. She felt her sister’s eyes on her but, for the moment, she stared straight ahead. Finally, she managed to pull herself together. ‘Tia,’ she started, searching for the correct words, not sure if there were right ones for this occasion. ‘Tia, have there been men in the house while we’ve been out, or at work?’

  There was no hesitation. Nor was there any puzzlement at the question. ‘No.’

  Ellie bit her lip. Was there any point in being subtle? She changed tack. ‘Do you…er…know how babies are made?’

  Tia thought a moment, her eyes crinkling with the effort of concentration. ‘I think so,’ she said finally.

  Ellie squirmed slightly. ‘Tell me how?’

  Tia’s eyes widened. ‘Don’t you know?’ She laughed. Leaning closer, she dropped her voice and said softly, ‘Men have man bits, and women have woman bits. Men put their man bits inside the woman bits and make a baby.’

  Ellie had to smile. As explanations went it was basic, but accurate. Then her smile faded. ‘Tia,’ she said, leaning forward so that they almost touched. ‘Has any strange man done this?’ No reaction. She ran a hand over her face in frustration. ‘You know, put his man bit into your woman bit?’ She watched as her sister processed the question, her eyes blinking more rapidly, the tightening of her lips.

  Finally, just as Ellie was going to ask if she understood the question, Tia answered.

  ‘No,’ she said.

  Ellie sat back with a sigh of relief. Honestly, she did get some stupid ideas. Tia was probably just eating far more than she ever did in St Germaine’s. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Sorry, I was checking that you knew.’ She smiled and stood. ‘I’m going to go and watch the television next door,’ she said and, to make sure Tia wouldn’t join her, she added, ‘There’s a documentary on that I want to watch.’ As she moved away, once again, her eyes drifted to the slightly rounded belly. ‘Are you sure, Tia?’

  Tia laughed, stood and took a step closer to Ellie. There was a strange look on her face that Ellie couldn’t identify. Shivering, she looked away.

  But Tia didn’t move. She took another step closer, until they were almost touching. Ellie could feel the warmth of her breath on her cheek and turned to look at her again, meeting her gaze, held by it, her stomach tightening.

  She knew with blinding clarity that something was very, very wrong.

  ‘No strange man did,’ Tia said quietly, that curious look still on her face. ‘Just Will.’

  21

  Ellie stood rooted to the spot for a long time after Tia left the room. She didn’t even move to switch on the light, Tia’s parting two words whispering on a loop in her head. Just Will. Over and over. She didn’t notice the tears as they dropped from her chin and peppered the soft-pink cashmere, multiplying as the implications of Tia’s pregnancy and Will’s unfaithfulness grew.

  Because Tia was more attractive, softer, less argumentative? Or because she could bear him the child he wanted so badly. The thought made her cry out. She pushed her hand into her mouth, biting down on it, feeling no pain. Only when she heard footsteps on the stairs signalling Tia’s return did she move and then quickly, in a rush to be gone before she had to see her, pushing open the door to the sitting room and collapsing back against it as the footsteps passed by.

  She slid to the floor and sat there in the darkness, sobbing, unable to shut off the loop of Tia’s words that wound tighter and tighter until she thought her head was going to explode.

  Finally, exhausted, the sobbing ceased. But the words didn’t; she guessed they were imprinted on her brain and probably tattooed on her heart. She gave a final gulp and moved onto the sofa, dragging her knees up, huddling, trying to hold herself together, going over and over the when, why and how could he until her head spun and a wave of nausea swept over her.

  She pressed trembling lips together when she heard the sound of the front door opening and Will’s heavy footstep in the hallway. She heard him humming, dropping his keys into the drawer and then head into the kitchen where he’d expect to find her fixing dinner like the good, loyal wife she was. Ellie imagined his face, the puzzled lines deepening between his eyes. Through the wall she heard the deep timbre of his voice as he spoke to Tia. He’d come through soon.

  The door to the sitting room opened at last. She saw his face, the startled look in his eyes when he saw her sitting in the darkness.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked as his hand slid up the wall and flicked the light switch. In the bright light, her tear-stained face was obvious. He rushed forward and dropped to his knees beside her. ‘Ellie,’ he said, grabbing her hand, ‘tell me.’

  ‘You’ve been fucking Tia.’ She said it quietly. It wasn’t a question; the pregnancy left no room for doubt.

  Will fell backwards in shock. ‘What?’ he said, getting clumsily to his feet, blinking rapidly and then sitting in the chair opposite. ‘Why on earth would you say that?’ he asked, reaching out for her hand, a look of confusion on his face.

  She swung her feet to the floor, gasping as pins and needles gave her something else to think about for a wonderfully painful moment. She sat hunched forward and looked at him.

  ‘For God’s sake, Ellie,’ Will tried again, ‘why would you say that?’

  Ellie’s voice was calm. ‘Tia is pregnant. The only man who, as she so elegantly puts it, put his man bit inside her woman bit, was you.’ She hesitated a moment, feeling her heart thumping hard against her chest. Or maybe it was just breaking in two. ‘You. She was quite clear about it, Will.’

  He ran a hand over his forehead. ‘She told you I had sex with her? She’s lying, Ellie. How can you even begin to believe her?’ He stood and paced the room, one trembling hand pushing into his hair. ‘She’s lying, of course. It must be someone she let in,’ he said, ‘maybe someone she met in the shop, or on the way.’

  Ellie frowned. She’d known him a long time, could always tell if he was stretching the truth to suit the occasion. If someone had asked, she’d have said he was incapable of lying. He didn’t look like he was lying now, but… ‘She said it was you, Will. Not a stranger.’

  He crouched down beside her, holding her hand tightly before she had a chance to snatch it away. ‘You have to believe me, Ellie. I never touched her. I swear.’

  ‘But she’s pregnant.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  She pushed him away and stood to face him, forcing him to his feet. ‘Am I sure?’ She slapped a hand dramatically onto her forehead. ‘Of course, because how could I be sure? I’ve never been pregnant, have I?’ She closed her eyes and felt his hands move to grasp her arm, holding her still.

  ‘That’s not what I meant, Ellie,’ he said. ‘I meant, maybe she’s lying about being pregnant?’

  She pulled away and moved to the other side of the room to get some space to think clearly. ‘She doesn’t know,’ she said and then, seeing his puzzlement, added, ‘It’s unmistakable to me. Her body is my body and I can tell, clear as day. But she has no idea.’

  ‘She eats a lot,’ Will jumped in, ‘maybe she’s just getting fat.’

  She shrugged. ‘Even if I’m wrong about her being pregnant, she still said that you had sex with her. How do you explain that?’

  ‘Why would I? I love you. Only you. And it’s not like I’d mix you up, is it?’

  She gave an unamused snort. ‘You’ve done it before!’

  ‘That’s not fair, Ellie,’ he said, looking hurt, ‘that was when I first saw her. A simple misunderstanding. This is a bit more than that.’ He ran a hand through his hair again, pulling at it in frustration. ‘Why would she say something like that?’

  Ellie looked at him. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. She frowned. Tia could be lying to cover for someone else. She remembered how flirtatious she’d been with the young men in the cinema. Maybe she met someone in the shop? ‘She seemed to know what she was talking about. Her description of sex is pretty basic but she doe
s understand and she was quite clear that you were the only man she’d been with. Just Will, she said.’ Ellie’s voice quivered as she said the words.

  He turned to pace the room. ‘I don’t underst…’ He stopped, turned around and looked at her. ‘Oh, dear God,’ he said, his voice a shaken whisper.

  ‘No,’ Ellie cried, reaching a hand toward him. ‘Please, tell me you didn’t?’

  He dropped into the sofa and put his face in his hands.

  A wave of utter shock and disbelief swept over Ellie. ‘When?’ she asked, barely able to breathe out the word.

  ‘Remember the night out I went on?’ he asked, lifting a face that was grey from shock.

  Ellie nodded.

  ‘We’d had that row.’ He looked up at her, his eyes entreating. ‘I came home late, so drunk that I fell in the door and landed flat on my face in the hallway. I heard footsteps on the stair and looked up and you were there, like an angel, and I remember thinking how beautiful you were and how much I loved you. There was a light behind you, I could see all your curves through your nightdress. When you came down, I pulled you into my arms and…and…we made love.’ He didn’t have to ask, he could see in her face that he’d been wrong. Horrified, he whispered, ‘It was…Tia?’

  ‘Well it bloody well wasn’t me, Will,’ Ellie spat, her voice lemon-sharp with the bitterness that coursed through her. It was as if all her nightmares had come true. Her head was reeling. This couldn’t be happening. Was he telling the truth? ‘When did you ever see me wearing a nightdress? I don’t even own a bloody nightdress!’ she said, focusing on this one stupid part of it all because the rest was just too damn painful.

  ‘I was so drunk,’ he pleaded, the look on his face showing he knew it wasn’t even close to any kind of excuse.

  ‘You were sober enough to get hard for your sister-in-law,’ she said, a world of hurt and defeat in her voice.