Secrets Between Us

by Valerie Keogh

  ‘It was a mistake. My God, Ellie, I thought it was you.’ he said, dragging his hands down his face like it would wipe away the memory.

  ‘Did you?’ she said, unable to stop herself. ‘Or maybe you wanted to fuck a real woman, one who could give you what you’ve always wanted.’ She turned away. ‘And whoopee-doo, you did it first time!’ Then, suddenly, she turned back. ‘Or was it? How do I know you haven’t made this particular,’ she curled her forefingers twice as she bit out, ‘mistake before?’

  Will rested his elbows on his knees and dropped his face into his hands again.

  ‘Well?’ Ellie said, refusing to relent.

  He lifted his face. ‘I love you, Ellie. I’d never do anything to jeopardise our marriage. It was a mistake, I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what else I can say?’

  Ellie looked deep into the eyes of the man she loved and knew, in her heart, that he was telling the truth. He was never a good liar. All the fight suddenly left her and she dropped to the sofa beside him. ‘What are we going to do?’ she said in a small, frail voice she didn’t recognise as her own.

  In the silence, as they both considered this question, they heard Tia call.

  ‘She’s probably wondering what has happened to dinner,’ Ellie said with the ghost of a smile. ‘She doesn’t even know she’s eating for two.’

  The words hung between them for a moment. The reality of it all. What were they going to do? Ellie had no idea. Her head ached. Holding a hand up to stop him reaching for her, she fled the room.

  It took another thirty minutes before she’d composed herself enough to return. Will, she saw, was still sitting where she’d left him, his head in his hands. ‘We need to eat,’ she said quietly, leaving him to follow her into the kitchen where she pulled a selection of food from the freezer without much thought. When it was ready, they sat around the table in their usual places, Tia tucking in with her normal appetite, Will and Ellie pushing food around their plates and stealing glances at her across the table. When Tia stood to help herself to seconds, Ellie’s eye’s raked over her body. There was a chance she was wrong. God, please let her be wrong. She looked across the table to where Will was picking at his food. Maybe she’d forgive him for the mistake, eventually, but she wasn’t sure she could ever forgive him for getting Tia pregnant.

  She closed her eyes briefly as a fresh wave of fear swept over her.

  A baby. Wasn’t it what he’d always wanted?

  Will wanted to talk about it again once dinner was over and Tia had gone back to watching television, but Ellie held up her hand. ‘There’s absolutely no point until we know for sure,’ she said. ‘I’ll pick up a pregnancy testing kit tomorrow. We can talk tomorrow night.’

  ‘You do believe me, don’t you?’

  Ellie pushed her plate away and stood without replying. She cleared the table, scraped the mass of uneaten food into a bin and loaded the dishwasher, all the while conscious of Will’s eyes following her. Without looking at him, she said, ‘Whether I believe you or not isn’t the point, Will. It’s…’ She broke off, unable to finish, grabbing hold of the counter top and letting out a quiet keening sound that held in it a sob for something lost.

  ‘Ellie, please…’

  She tried to compose herself. ‘The most intimate thing we do together, Will,’ she said, her voice heavy with sorrow. ‘Didn’t she feel different, sound different…Something? Anything?’ She wrapped her arms around her body and turned to look at him, her face pale. ‘Are we so fucking alike,’ she said, using the crude word deliberately, ‘that fucking her was the same as fucking me?’

  ‘I was drunk, Ellie,’ he tried again. ‘I thought it was you. For God’s sake, she even smelled like you.

  She screwed up her face. ‘What?’

  ‘Your scent, I mean,’ he said, wiping his face with his hand. ‘That perfume you always wear.’

  ‘You make me sick,’ she said, before turning and leaving the room, the slam of the door echoing through the house.

  She locked their bedroom door. He could sleep somewhere else. There was too much sorrow and pain coursing through her, she needed time to deal with it.

  In the ensuite bathroom, she went through her usual nightly ritual automatically. The room was small, space limited. As she put her moisturiser back, her gaze landed on her perfume. It was almost empty but she knew there was another, unopened, in the larger main bathroom cabinet.

  Suddenly, something Will said came back to her, making her blink.

  She even smelled like you.

  Her reflection in the bathroom mirror wore a look of disbelief tinged with horror. She shook her head slowly. That would just be too crazy. But she couldn’t rest until she checked. Opening the bedroom door, she slipped across to the main bathroom.

  She stood, her hand on the handle of the bathroom cabinet, and took a deep breath before pulling it open, letting it out on a sigh of relief when she saw her perfume exactly where she had left it. But, reaching for the box, her breath caught. She didn’t usually take the cellophane wrapper off until she was going to use it. Had she done so this time? She couldn’t remember. She opened the box and took out the bottle. It was impossible to know if any had been used.

  And then she was suddenly very sure that some had and a wave of nausea swept over her.

  There was no point in telling Will, he’d tell her she was being silly, that the absence of cellophane meant nothing. He’d never believe that Tia had deliberately set out to seduce him. Ellie’s eyes narrowed as she gripped the bottle between her hands, feeling her stomach lurch as she suddenly remembered the strange look that had crossed Tia’s face when she’d said Just Will.

  Had it been a look of satisfaction?

  22

  The next day, Ellie left work early pleading illness, the bags under her eyes and drawn face telling most of the lie for her. There was a pharmacy nearby, but she didn’t risk using it in case anyone from the office saw her. Instead, she took a tube to a part of London she rarely visited and found one there. It was a busy shop; she wandered up and down the aisles, hoping to find what she wanted herself, reluctant to ask for it. Wouldn’t they see she was a fraud? Could they see her barrenness as keenly as she could feel it?

  Her vision suddenly blurred with tears. She stopped in front of a display of nail varnish, picking up one bottle after the other until her eyes tears dried and she could continue her search.

  With the pregnancy kit bought and safely tucked into her briefcase, she headed home, the journey seeming endless. On her doorstep at last, she hesitated with her key in the lock, suddenly afraid to find out the truth. Everything was going to change, wasn’t it? The thought of Will and Tia together made her stomach lurch. No, everything had already changed.

  Tia was, as usual, watching television. She was also, bizarrely, listening to country music on the radio at the same time; Ellie was affronted by a deafening clash of sound that made her wince.

  ‘For goodness sake,’ she shouted across the noise, turning off the radio and waving at Tia to mute the television. ‘I’m surprised our neighbours don’t complain.’

  ‘They’re not there during the day,’ Tia said reasonably, adding, ‘The noise keeps me company.’

  Ellie tried to brush aside her guilt at this sudden and unexpected revelation, and the unfair suspicion that Tia had only said it to make her feel bad. The pregnancy kit was burning a hole in her briefcase, and the thought crossed her mind that Tia might not be lonely for much longer.

  ‘I need you to come upstairs with me,’ she said.

  ‘Upstairs?’ Tia remained seated. ‘Why?’

  ‘I’ll explain when we get there,’ Ellie said, moving into the hallway. She smiled encouragingly at her sister when she followed her out.

  In the bathroom, it took several minutes of repetitive explanation before Tia understood what Ellie wanted her to do. ‘You want me to wee into this?’ Tia examined the small bowl in her hand, turning it this way and that as if she expected it to turn int
o something else.

  Ellie repeated the instructions once more. ‘Yes, I want you to wee into that bowl, then leave it on the shelf behind the toilet. Understand?’

  Tia looked as if she were going to say more, but one look at the serious expression on Ellie’s face and she nodded.

  Five minutes later, she came out. ‘I didn’t have any,’ she said, handing the empty bowl back to Ellie.

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake.’ Ellie said, taking the bowl from her hand, putting it on the shelf in the bathroom and dragging Tia down the stairs by one arm. In the kitchen, she poured a pint glass of water. ‘Drink that,’ she said, pushing the glass into her hand.

  Tia drank a little and went to put the glass down.

  ‘Finish it, please,’ Ellie encouraged. ‘This is really important.’

  ‘I don’t like water,’ Tia said, eyeing the glass with a frown.

  Ellie took it from her, water sloshing over both their hands as Tia held on to it for a second too long. Emptying the water into the sink, she opened the fridge, took out a carton of juice and refilled the glass. ‘Fine, drink this then.’

  With a sigh, Tia took the juice and drank it all.

  ‘Okay,’ Ellie said, taking the empty glass. ‘Now go back and watch television for a bit.’

  Ellie made a cup of coffee and sipped it as she watched the minute hand of the clock drag through thirty long minutes, until she decided she’d waited long enough. ‘Try again now please, Tia,’ she said, raising her voice to be heard over the television.

  Tia looked over at her, a puzzled look on her face. ‘Try what?’

  Ellie’s hands gripped the almost empty mug in frustration, trying to keep her cool. Taking a deep breath, she went over to where Tia sat, muted the television, and went through the same explanation, word for word. ‘Understand?’ She waited for her to nod, blinking when she saw Tia’s lips curl in what could only be described as a sneer.

  ‘Oh, I think so,’ Tia said and left to head upstairs. A few minutes later, she returned. ‘I’ve done it,’ she said before sitting and unmuting the TV.

  Without a word, Ellie took the pregnancy kit out and went up to the bathroom. The smell from the bowl of straw-coloured liquid made her nose crinkle as she lifted it carefully from the shelf behind the toilet, placed it into the sink and opened the kit.

  The directions were easy; she opened the enclosed packet, took out a stick, dipped it into the urine and waited. One line would tell her that she’d been worried about nothing. Two lines would shatter her world. Two lines, twins, the irony wasn’t lost on her.

  There were two test sticks in the box and she used both. Each told her the same story.

  Tia was pregnant.

  A wave of nausea made her hold her head over the sink and retch until she was so weak she had to sit on the toilet seat. She grabbed a towel and held it over her face.

  Pregnant.

  The word thumping in her head, she stood, turned on the hot tap and let it run for a long time over the bowl until all traces of Tia had washed away. If only everything could be so simple. Turning off the water, she picked the bowl up with the tips of two fingers and dropped it into the waste-bin. She turned on the cold tap, let it run for a few seconds and filled her cupped hands with cold water to wash out her mouth. Swirling and spitting, she rid herself of the acid taste, dried her face and hands and looked at her reflection in the mirror.

  The hand she saw lifting to brush away strands of hair was trembling, she lifted her other hand to steady it, placing her palms together. She was reminded of a long-ago school friend who would put her hands together and pray every night before bed. Was that what she was doing? Praying for strength to a God she didn’t really believe in?

  She wanted to climb into bed, curl up under the duvet and hide from a world that had suddenly become too difficult, too painful to bear. Instead, she went downstairs on unsteady feet and sat in the sitting room, her head spinning as she tried to see a way out of the mess. She was still sitting there when Will returned home that evening. She stood when she heard him in the hallway and opened the door. ‘Come in here,’ she said from the doorway. ‘We need to talk.’

  She stood waiting, watching while he dropped his briefcase, threw his coat over the banisters and took a deep breath. She met his gaze, watched the colour leach from his face as he saw her expression and then returned to her seat leaving him to follow. ‘Sit down,’ she said, nodding to the chair opposite.

  He did as he was told, his eyes fixed on her face.

  ‘She’s definitely pregnant.’

  His body slumped, his mouth opening and shutting while he sought for words. ‘Ellie,’ he finally managed, his voice barely above a whisper. ‘I’m so sorry. I—’

  She held up a hand to stop him. ‘I’m not interested in apologies, Will, I’m interested in how we deal with this. Neither of us can afford for this to come out. Tia has special needs and is living in our care, I have no idea what the implications would be, but I’m certain they wouldn’t be pleasant. And if you think it wouldn’t be in the papers, you’re living in dream land. It’s the kind of story the gutter press loves. We’d be humiliated, disgraced. Everything we’ve worked so hard to build would be over.’

  She waited a moment for the implications to sink in, watching as his already pale face turned a sickly shade of grey.

  ‘I think the safest idea,’ she said, twisting her hands together, ‘is to go to the continent, France, maybe, or Germany. To a private clinic of some sort and have a termination there.’ She watched his eyes widen. ‘She could use my passport, you could pretend she was your wife. It would prevent the kind of problems I’ve mentioned.’

  ‘A termination?’

  Ellie nodded. ‘Thank goodness it’s still early. If it happened that night,’ she said ignoring his expression, ‘she’s ten weeks pregnant. We have time to get everything organised.’

  Will nodded. ‘Of course. We’ll do whatever you say.’ He ran a hand over his face.

  Ellie watched as a range of emotions passed over him. The guilt she expected, maybe even the confusion, but it was the look of regret in his eyes that made her insides churn and her head jerk back as if he’d hit her. She looked at him with wide eyes and her mouth hanging open, unable for a moment to formulate a single word. Clenching her fists, she took a deep breath. ‘You want…’ she said, her voice faltering despite her best efforts. She gulped and tried again. ‘You want this baby?’

  He opened his mouth to speak, shut it again and then shook his head before reaching for her hand. ‘I love you, Ellie, and I would have loved more than anything to have a child with you, but that isn’t possible. You’re dead set against the idea of surrogacy, you said so yourself, and if we consider adoption, it’s a long, difficult process with no promises. This…you know, you must know, I never meant this to happen, but—’

  She snatched her hand away. ‘But, what? Now that you’ve got my sister pregnant it’s the next best thing? You’re out of your mind, Will.’

  ‘Stop putting words in my mouth, Ellie,’ he shouted, standing, walking to the other side of the room and glaring at her. He ran a hand through his hair and turned away. ‘I hate the thought of what I’ve done, of what I’ve done to you…to us…but it could be my only chance, our only chance.’

  Ellie felt suddenly nauseous, the colour draining from her face.

  Will rushed to her side. ‘Oh, Ellie,’ he said softly, putting his arm around her and drawing her into his arms. She wanted to resist, wanted to pull away and tell him to go to hell, but how could she? He was right. It was his baby. His and Tia’s. The pain of her own shortcomings was so unbearable, she finally gave in to it, buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed.

  23

  Will held her tightly for a long time without saying a word. When the tears eased, Ellie pulled away, wiped her face with her hand and got to her feet.

  ‘I’m going to bed,’ she said, stopping with her hand on the door to add, ‘Sleep on the sofa tonight, I
need time to think.’ She left without a glance in his direction.

  He heard her heavy, slow tread on the stairs. He hated to see her in such pain…hated having been the cause of it. But, as he dropped his head back and wondered what on earth he could do to make amends, all he could think of was the baby. His baby!

  He knew it was wrong, on so many counts, to feel in any way pleased about this. But bad as it was, it had happened. It was an accident. An awful accident he’d pay for for the rest of his life. But was there any point in making another dreadful mistake by getting rid of his child?

  He tightened his lips in a firm line. There had to be a way around this mess that would keep everyone happy and allow them to keep the baby. There had to be, and if he had to sit there all night he was going to find it.

  He’d been sitting there for an hour and couldn’t think of anything that made any sense when he heard the kitchen door open followed by quick, light steps on the stairs as Tia went up to bed. He wondered what she’d make of it all.

  The quiet of the house settled around him, helping to calm his thoughts. Perhaps Ellie was right and Tia should have a termination. Perhaps. He ran a hand through his hair trying to accept it was the best way. Ellie’s idea to pretend Tia was her was crazy but there was no reason it wouldn’t work. They’d explain to Tia and go abroad. A few days and it would be over.

  He closed his eyes. His baby.

  His eyes snapped open. There was no reason it wouldn’t work. He sat forward, suddenly alert, with a bizarre, crazy idea running through his head. ‘It could work,’ he muttered. ‘To pretend Tia was Ellie.’

  He sat for another hour, going over and over a plan that was ridiculously daring and absolutely crazy. But the risks were low, weren’t they? He needed to speak to Ellie.

  It was almost midnight but he knew she’d still be awake. This crazy plan of his could be the answer to everything, but he needed her to agree. She had to.

  He listened at their bedroom door for a second before slowly pushing it open. If she were asleep he’d have to wait until the morning. But he’d been right. In the light that came through the window from the streetlights outside, he could see she was lying with her eyes open, staring at the ceiling.