Secrets Between Us

by Valerie Keogh

  But she didn’t explode, she sipped her coffee, the glare fading. ‘You’re right, I suppose,’ she said. ‘After all, I did agree to carry out this charade. I can’t very well complain when you’re doing such a good job of it. So, are you going to tell me how it went?’

  He took another biscuit. ‘It was incredibly boring,’ he lied, ‘a bunch of women talking about stretch marks and how many centimetres’ dilation was necessary for an easy birth. It made me squirm.’

  Ellie laughed, her face losing some of its tension. ‘What did you expect,’ she said, ‘a wine reception?’

  ‘Something more interesting,’ he said with a shrug, and then, because it had fascinated him and was something he could talk about truthfully, he told her how surprised he was by how much information Tia had retained of the class.

  Ellie reached for the biscuits again, took one out and nibbled the edges thoughtfully. ‘I’ve often wondered if she isn’t a lot brighter than we were led to believe,’ she said. ‘There are times when she appears…’ She caught Will’s look and shook her head. ‘Don’t mind me,’ she said with a forced laugh. ‘What’s the next class about?’

  ‘It’s to show us round the facilities,’ he told her. ‘I think we get to see the birthing pool and a few other options.’

  ‘You don’t need to go to that, do you?’ she asked. ‘Can’t you skip it?’

  Hiding his reluctance, he shrugged. ‘Yes, I suppose we could.’ He saw a pleased look cross her face and was sorry he’d have to remove it. ‘The following two, however, are going to be important. They cover breathing techniques during labour and other essential stuff.’ He reached a hand out and caught hers. ‘We’ll need to be there for that.’

  With a sigh, she nodded. ‘I do understand,’ she said, pulling her hand away, ‘but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.’

  Will hadn’t thought to tell Tia they weren’t going to the class the following Friday so was surprised to arrive home and find her sitting in the living room, dressed in the teal blouse, her coat over her arm.

  ‘I tried to tell her,’ Ellie said from the kitchen, tearing open an M&S meal. ‘She wouldn’t listen.’ Picking up another meal, she tore the wrapping off before commenting, ‘I hadn’t realised she was so stubborn.’

  ‘Well, you are twins,’ Will couldn’t resist saying before going to speak to his sister-in-law. ‘Tia,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry—’

  ‘Ellie,’ she said, interrupting him, ‘you’re supposed to call me Ellie.’

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake,’ he said exasperated, ‘All right, Ellie then, I’m sorry, I should have told you, we don’t have to go tonight.’

  ‘Why?’

  He’d had a tough day at work, he was tired and wanted to relax with a drink. ‘Because we don’t need to go this week. Next week and the following week, they’re the important ones. They show you how to breathe when you’re having the baby. We’ll definitely need to be there then.’

  Tia nodded slowly, mollified. ‘We’ll definitely need to be there then,’ she said, repeating his words. He smiled at her and then looked across at his wife to find her staring at the pair of them with a look in her eyes that he couldn’t identify.

  He joined her. ‘Let’s have dinner next door,’ he said, ‘just the two of us.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Tia will be happy, she can have hers in front of the TV.’

  Relieved he’d moved past that strange moment, he kissed his wife gently on the cheek and made for the door. ‘I’ll just get out of my suit,’ he said, ‘then I’ll open some wine.’

  He stood in the hallway for a moment, looking down on the floor where it happened. One night’s drunken stupidity. He stepped over the empty space and took the stairs slowly, his tread heavy, the pressure of the weeks ahead weighing him down.

  He forced his thoughts onto his child; he had to believe it was all worth it.

  29

  Ellie broke the news at work, receiving the congratulations from her colleagues with a pasted-on smile. The loose clothes she’d been wearing had worked to set rumours flying, but lately she’d started wearing a prosthetic pregnancy bump she’d bought online. She couldn’t help but be amazed by the endless variety of materials, sizes and shapes available.

  Wearing it wasn’t uncomfortable, but she hated this evidence, not only of the lie they were living, but of a condition she would never feel for real. Every morning she strapped it on and, every evening, as soon as she was through the door, she’d take it off and drop it on the hallway floor like it was made of lead.

  She never once picked it up, but every morning she would find it in in her wardrobe, waiting to be strapped back on again.

  Her office building was air conditioned, but in the cold weather it was overheated and the silicone bump made her hot and sticky. It was easy to unclip, so sometimes she’d do that sitting at her desk, feeling the release with a sigh.

  Once, she had a near-miss, her boss stopping at her door and asking her to come with him for an impromptu meeting.

  She’d looked at him and nodded. ‘I’ll be just a minute,’ she said. But he waited.

  She’d wondered what he’d have done if she’d stood, her bump hitting the floor with a silicone bounce. She’d had to bite her lip to stop a chortle escaping. But she’d looked at him calmly and said, ‘I just need to pop to the loo. Pregnancy does that, I’m afraid.’

  And he’d rushed off with a slightly embarrassed look on his face.

  Minutes later, her bump firmly in place she strode into his office.

  It was the only near-miss, but there were dozens of irritations she had to deal with. The conversations about morning sickness, stretch marks, to epidural or not to epidural. That was a blasted question she didn’t want to discuss. She hadn’t realised how many of her colleagues had children until now but, over the course of a few months, every one of them recounted their experience in minute detail.

  Bad as it was in work, it was worse at home. The T-shirts she’d bought Tia had been a mistake, the fine cotton clinging to her bump, emphasising it. Annoyingly, she didn’t appear to put on weight anywhere else and they were as identical as ever except for that one big, glaring difference, the dual insult – evidence of her husband’s infidelity and her own barren state.

  She tried to avoid being in the same room as her, made easier by the fact that Tia preferred sitting in the living room anyway. And, if they were in the same room, she kept her eyes averted, as much as possible, from her belly.

  It didn’t help seeing Will’s eyes constantly drifting toward it. ‘Do you have to keep looking at it?’ she challenged him one evening. ‘It’s not going to pop open, you know!’

  ‘Sorry,’ Will said. ‘It’s just’

  ‘A great big seed-pod,’ she interrupted him, ‘think of it that way and maybe it won’t seem so endlessly fascinating.’

  Later that night, he reached for her as he had done several times since finding out about the pregnancy. Once again, she brushed his hands away. ‘No,’ she said, refusing to offer an apology or an excuse, hearing his heavy sigh of frustration with a flicker of satisfaction.

  The next day, she ordered proper maternity tops online, voluminous garments designed to conceal rather than display. When they came, she left them on Tia’s bed, expecting to see them on her the following day. To her annoyance, she arrived down in another of the T-shirts.

  ‘I bought you some nice tops,’ she said, trying to sound cheerful and encouraging, ‘didn’t you like them?’

  Tia shrugged. ‘I prefer these,’ she said, pulling at the soft fabric that covered her bump. ‘They’re comfortable.’

  ‘So are the others,’ Ellie tried, her voice hardening, ‘you should try them.’ But, to her annoyance, Tia didn’t.

  The Friday of the next antenatal class came around too quickly. Ellie felt an uneasiness in the pit of her stomach all day. Perhaps she should have gone to stay with a friend, or even checked into a hotel. But it was too late.

  She could hav
e hidden in the sitting room until they’d gone but, instead, she decided to make a point and took the seat Tia normally sat in, switching on the television, channel-surfing until she found some light romance movie to watch. Pressing pause, she went to fetch a glass of wine. She was pouring it when Tia came down, dressed in the same teal blouse.

  Will arrived home moments later. She saw him glance at the glass and raised it in a toast. His getting drunk had been the cause of this mess, getting drunk might help her get through it.

  They left almost immediately, Will checking his watch anxiously. She held her glass tightly as she listened to the murmurs in the hallway and the front door opening and closing. When she had stupidly agreed to this charade she’d known it was crazy but she hadn’t expected it to be a nightmare from which she never woke. Seeing Tia, day after bloody day, blooming in her pregnancy was killing her.

  She could hardly bring herself to look at her any more and avoided speaking to her if she could help it. It wasn’t fair, she knew, Tia hadn’t asked to be part of the charade, hadn’t been given a choice. But then, really, neither had she.

  And now it was too late. The game had begun and they all had to play their parts.

  She sipped her wine and wondered what they were doing just then. Was it as boring as Will had implied? Was he holding her hand and pretending to be a devoted husband? Her mouth twisted in pain and the tears she’d been holding back since they’d left slowly began to fall.

  30

  Will wasn’t holding Tia’s hand. When they’d arrived at the clinic they were asked to sit on mats on the floor. He’d helped Tia sit, her bump, while not as big as some of the others, making the act of lowering to the floor awkward. And then he did what the other men were doing and sat on the mat behind her, his legs extending both side of her, her bottom nestling against his groin. Ellie would never know, but he felt a sense of betrayal with this intimacy.

  Her hair smelled of coconut, and from her skin came the fresh smell of lemon. Completely different to Ellie, he thought frowning and wondering how he’d ever got confused. He felt her body relax back against him, heard her sigh as she did, felt the disloyalty and sense of betrayal course through him even as he adjusted his position to support her better.

  The woman leading the class, a nurse whose name was Merry, made the class fun. Thirty minutes in, she told them they were doing wonderfully. ‘I suggest we take a break,’ she said. ‘Some of you may want to use the facilities and when you return we’ll have a chat about what you’ve learned so far and I’ll answer any questions you may have.’

  There were smiles and head nods of agreement. Will clambered to his feet and reached a hand down to assist Tia to hers. She stood, brushed herself down, and then looked at him, her brow furrowed. ‘I need to wee,’ she said, moving uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

  Her un-hushed voice carried to the couple who were sat next to them. The woman laughed. ‘Me too,’ she said, struggling to stand, her bump more cumbersome than Tia’s neat mound. ‘Let’s go together,’ she said with a smile.

  There was nothing Will could do except hope Tia didn’t say anything awkward. The other woman, her name already forgotten, seemed to be the chatty type, perhaps she wouldn’t have the opportunity to get a word in edgeways.

  He stood with the other men making small talk, his eyes constantly darting to the doorway, desperate for Tia to return. He laughed meekly at one of the other dad-to-be’s jokes, even though he hadn’t heard the punchline. Where was she, he wondered, looking down at his watch and then back up at the door.

  Relief flooded through him when the sound of laughter announced the return of the five women who’d left en masse for the bathroom, including Tia. She was smiling; a real smile this time, not the faraway grin she often wore.

  ‘Everything okay?’ he asked as she joined him.

  She nodded and moved closer to him. Looking around the room, he saw that the other couples had connected in some way, hands held, an arm around a shoulder or waist. It seemed churlish not to do the same. He slipped an awkward arm around her shoulder and immediately she relaxed into him as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

  He tensed as dismay washed over him; she didn’t know it was all pretence, that it would soon be over and she would leave and he would stay with his wife with their baby. He felt suddenly claustrophobic. Sweat pinged on his brow and trickled between his shoulder blades. He looked toward the door, his mouth dry. It seemed a long way away. His heart was thumping so loud he was surprised nobody heard. Eyes flicking to the door again, he knew he had to get outside before he made a fool of himself.

  Luckily for him, Merry returned just then and asked them to take their seats. He saw Tia to her seat and excused himself with a nod toward the door through which she’d gone earlier.

  The door led to a short corridor. To his relief, he saw the exit door on his right and pushed it open, almost falling out into the street. He staggered a few feet and then stopped and leaned forward, his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. He took a deep breath of the cold night air, letting it out slowly, trying to regain some semblance of control. For a moment in there, he felt as if the world was slipping out from under him. It was ten minutes before he could return.

  He avoided Tia’s eyes when he did go back in, taking his seat as quietly as he could. The rest of the session was spent in an almost endless run of questions and answers. Checking his watch, Will was appalled to see it was eight fifteen.

  ‘Any more questions?’ Merry asked, seemingly uncaring that she was running over.

  Will gritted his teeth when a woman raised her hand and asked a question that required a rather detailed answer.

  ‘Anything else?’

  Will stood, taking Tia by the hand. ‘I’m terribly sorry,’ he said as the group looked at them. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he repeated, ‘it’s getting late and Ellie is exhausted. I think we had better head off.’

  Merry nodded sympathetically. ‘Of course.’ She looked around the small group. ‘Let’s finish here. Thank you, everybody, and see you all next week.’

  The others didn’t appear to be in a hurry to leave, starting to chat amongst themselves as soon as the nurse had turned her back to start clearing things away. If Ellie had been beside him, if things had been different, he’d have stayed and talked through the normal fears and excitement of any first-timers. But he couldn’t. His fears were more terrifying, more horrifying. These honest, normal people would be shocked if they knew the truth.

  He needed to get home to his wife. In the mess that was his life, he had to cling to what was important. Ellie. With an arm around Tia to hustle her forward, he made a dash for the door.

  Opening a taxi door for Tia, he helped her in and ran around to the other side. He gave the driver the address before sitting back with a sigh. It would have been more honest if he’d told Merry it was he who was exhausted. He was bone-weary, and sometimes, although he was loathe to admit it even to himself, he was afraid of what they were doing.

  A chuckle from Tia brought him from his thoughts. ‘What’s so amusing?’

  ‘I like being Ellie,’ she said, smiling at him.

  He looked at her in shock. ‘You’re not Ellie,’ he said, ‘you’re Tia. We’re just pretending, for the baby.’

  The mulish set to her mouth reminded him so much of Ellie it startled him. He knew when his wife got that stubborn look there was no point in arguing with her. There didn’t seem much point here either. After all, they wanted her to be Ellie, for the moment. He didn’t know if she would understand the importance. Didn’t know if she’d understand the truth could destroy their lives. She liked being Ellie, at least. Looking at it that way, he could deal with it for a few more months.

  He turned and looked out at the dark London streets, his eyes bleak.

  31

  As the days passed, cloaked in their web of deceit, Will felt some relief that nothing untoward happened before the next and final class.

&n
bsp; On Friday afternoon, he looked around his office. He would lose all of this if they were found out. His colleagues would be horrified, no, disgusted.

  What the hell had he been thinking? This charade, this mind-boggling deception, was never going to work. He found himself waiting, every day, for something to go wrong, knowing that just one wrong step would send everything falling down around them.

  He sat back in his chair and rested his hands on the desk in front of him. Just this morning, one of his colleagues asked how Ellie was doing, and it took him a few seconds of looking blank before he remembered he meant Tia, and not his wife. Because although Tia was blooming, pregnancy suiting her very well, Ellie had started to look gaunt and pale.

  His colleague had looked at him strangely as he over compensated and told him how well his pregnant wife was and how wonderfully she was doing. ‘First-time father excitement,’ he had finished, hoping this would explain everything.

  He rubbed a weary hand over his face and stood. It was time to leave to collect Tia.

  She was waiting for him when he got home, wearing her teal shirt once again. Tia obviously liked the blouse he’d bought better than the new clothes Ellie had given her. It suited her, she looked – the only word that suited – radiant.

  She smiled when she saw him, a hand resting on her bump, drawing his eyes to it before they flicked to where Ellie was standing, a glass of wine in her hand. There was a hard look on her face and he flinched. He should have been more careful.

  ‘We’re going out again,’ Tia said, bringing his eyes back to her.

  ‘Yes,’ he said to her, checking his watch. ‘In fact, we’d better be leaving.’ He turned to say goodbye to Ellie. ‘We’ll have dinner when we get back?’ He waited patiently, refusing to leave until she nodded.

  When she did, he gave a quick smile and left.

  The final class was a rehash of all they’d heard in the others and Will was bored by the end and grateful it ended slightly early. He hadn’t realised he was quieter than usual until Tia reached out a hand and laid it on his arm. ‘You okay?’