Secrets Between Us

by Valerie Keogh

  ‘You can wear it for your next doctor’s appointment,’ he told her, smiling as she held up the gauzy teal blouse.

  When the day of the appointment arrived, she came down wearing it and he nodded. It had been a good choice. The colour suited her and the material settled gently around her bump. He wanted to tell her she looked nice, but he could feel Ellie’s eyes boring into him.

  The appointment was short; a quick examination that Tia accepted without blinking, a short conversation about her general health and that was it.

  They were back home by eleven thirty. ‘Nothing new,’ he told Ellie who said a terse, ‘Fine,’ before grabbing her briefcase and coat and rushing off to work.

  They could have gone together and spent the fifteen minutes it took to walk to the Highbury and Islington tube station talking. Perhaps, if they had, he would have gathered enough courage to tell her about the prenatal classes. Only two days away now, he’d chickened out at every opportunity that had presented itself, unwilling to increase the level of tension that had become the norm in their home. It was like negotiating a minefield. If he spoke to Tia for too long, Ellie would glare at him, but guilt made it impossible for him to criticise her; the plan had been his idea. Everything was his fault, so he danced around, afraid to tell her the next step.

  The next morning, she mentioned she was doing fillet steak for dinner that night. He visited a wine shop on the way home from work and bought her favourite, a Pinot Noir the assistant behind the counter promised was excellent.

  ‘Wonderful,’ Ellie said, turning to him with a smile when he came through the door, the bottle in his hand. ‘Open it, will you, let it breathe for a while. Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes.’

  He liked it when she cooked. It was good to sit and watch her work, humming as she switched the grill on and leaving it to heat up while she made the salad. They chatted about work in the way they used to. He told stories of work that, while not particularly amusing, were sufficiently so to raise a smile on her face and he laughed at her latest gripes about Jeff. She picked up a fork and turned the steaks in the same marinade she always used, a simple mix of olive oil and red wine. At the weekend she’d add garlic, but never during the week.

  He poured a glass of the Pinot and handed it to her. She sipped appreciatively. ‘Very nice,’ she said, putting her glass down and turning to deal with the steaks.

  The satisfying hiss as she put a steak on the hot grill made his mouth water. Tia had complained before about blood on her plate, so it was hers that went on first.

  The food smelled good, the chat was pleasant and Ellie was smiling at him for the first time in days. It was like old times. Maybe he didn’t have to tell her that night. He finished his wine, poured another and held it to his lips before putting it down. He couldn’t keep putting it off. What kind of a man was he?

  It was better to tell her while he was sober, certainly better to tell her while she was sober, while there was some hope of her accepting the need for the antenatal classes without too much fuss. He closed his eyes. How did he expect her to act? He’d betrayed her, the worst kind of betrayal. He swore he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to her; he just hoped she’d let him.

  ‘Ellie,’ he said, bringing her attention to him. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.’

  She didn’t have to ask if it was good news, he knew she could read him too well for that. She put down the chopping knife, quickly picked up the fork and turned their steaks in the marinade before she sat and looked at him.

  ‘Tell me,’ she said.

  Her smile, so ready a minute ago, was gone. Her serious face was ready for another blow.

  ‘There are antenatal classes,’ he said quietly. ‘Four, starting this week.’ When she said nothing, he clarified, ‘Every Friday, at seven, for four weeks.’

  The smell of burning meat filled the room. She turned, swore loudly and removed the grill pan. Tia’s steak was charred around the edges. He watched her hesitate before turning it over. Draining the marinade, she took her time putting one and then the other of the remaining steaks onto the pan and put it back under the grill. Then she turned back to him and picked up her wine glass, taking a large mouthful, swallowing, and then taking another. ‘And I suppose you have to go with her,’ she said, flatly. ‘Won’t that be a lovely night’s entertainment for you both.’

  He ran a hand through his hair and then over his face. What could he say? They’d agreed to go ahead with the pregnancy under this huge pretence, and that meant going along with all the necessities. He didn’t dare mention that the antenatal classes weren’t compulsory. Sir Philip had made it quite clear it was better for the health and welfare of both mother and baby.

  She stood staring at him for a few minutes before turning to look after the steaks. ‘Call her down for dinner,’ she said, putting Tia’s steak onto a plate. He watched as she threw some salad on the plate with her fingers and hoped the steak didn’t taste as dry as it looked.

  Dinner was eaten without a word spoken; the clink of cutlery, the sipping of wine, small sounds breaking an uncomfortable silence. Tia was the only one unaffected by the tension, but she rarely spoke unless spoken to and, although there were several glances thrown her direction, nothing was said.

  Usually, Ellie and Will went into the sitting room after dinner, leaving Tia to watch the movies she liked in the living room. Tonight, Ellie pushed her plate away and stood. She took her wine glass and the almost empty wine bottle and left the room without a glance in his direction. If she didn’t precisely slam the kitchen door, it was close enough. Seconds later, the door to the sitting room closed. Will listened out for the sound of the television. When it didn’t come, he heaved a sigh. She’d sit in silence, in the dark, drink the remaining wine and probably cry. And there was nothing he could say to make it any better. They just had to get through the next few months and hope to come out sane the other side.

  He watched as Tia stood and started to clear the table. She said nothing, scraping the food into the correct bin, rinsing the plates and putting them into the dishwasher. She did everything properly. He wondered how she’d cope with the baby and, more importantly, how she’d cope with letting him go. The image of her holding the picture of the ultrasound played on his mind. Would she give the baby up so easily? Should she?

  The photograph from the scan wasn’t mentioned again. Now and then, he took it out and looked at it. His son. He’d shown it to a few people in work, basking in the good wishes sent his way, the new father advice he was given, the jokes at his expense. And he loved every moment. The only sadness was that he couldn’t share any of it with his wife.

  Sometimes, when he got home before Ellie, he mentioned some of the things people at work had said to Tia. It felt good to be able to share his growing excitement with someone. Because something good had to come out of it all. A baby. His baby. He couldn’t help the smile that came to his face whenever he thought about him. He wasn’t even aware of it until one day Tia appeared in front of him and gently touched the creases around his mouth.

  ‘You’re happy,’ she said, looking him in the eye.

  He looked at her, and then let his eyes slip to her swollen belly. She hadn’t asked him a question, she was stating a fact as she saw it. And she was right, in that moment, with his thoughts on his son, he was happy.

  But then he thought of the deceit, the pain, a future littered with problems so vast it made his head spin to think about it, and he thought he’d never be happy again.

  28

  On Friday morning, Will explained to Tia that they’d be going to a special baby class that evening. ‘We’ll be leaving here around six,’ he said, ‘so make sure you’re ready.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said, immediately.

  Will’s smile held a hint of guilt. Ellie was right, she’d do anything he asked. But would she give him their baby and move out? Their baby. It was the first time he’d thought of the baby as theirs not just his
. He was sure Ellie wouldn’t appreciate the change in thinking. He hadn’t mentioned the future beyond the birth again. It worried him. Could he really ask Tia to give up her child?

  He looked across to where Ellie was sitting having breakfast. She finished early on a Friday and was usually home before him. He wanted to ask her to remind Tia and to make sure she was dressed appropriately but, seeing her steely expression, he bit his lip. He’d just have to hope Tia remembered.

  He left the office a little early and was home at five forty-five. Ellie hadn’t arrived. He guessed she was deliberately late so she wouldn’t have to witness their departure. Hanging his coat over the banisters, he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. He’d time for a coffee before they left. Tia wasn’t there. Hopefully she was upstairs getting dressed. He went back to the hall and called up the stairway. ‘Tia, are you nearly ready?’

  ‘Coming,’ she shouted down and, relieved, he went back to make coffee.

  He’d almost finished a whole mug before she appeared. He looked her over with a critical eye. She looked the part. The teal blouse he’d bought her was having its second outing. ‘You look good,’ he said, with a satisfied nod.

  She grinned at him. ‘I like going out with you.’

  Since the only place they’d been together recently was the obstetrician, Will wasn’t sure how to take this. ‘Let’s go,’ he said, smiling politely.

  They arrived with time to spare and sat in the waiting room as the others arrived. Four other couples, the nervous-looking ones he reckoned to be first-timers like themselves. He guessed the bored looking couple had done it before.

  On the dot of seven, a woman dressed in a white tunic top and trousers came in. ‘Good evening, everyone,’ she said. ‘My name is Julie.’ She looked around the room and then down at the clipboard she held. One by one she read out names, pausing between each pair so that each couple could introduce themselves and tell the others a little about themselves.

  When their turn arrived, there was a painfully long pause before Tia uttered the words, ‘My name is Ellie,’ and he rushed in with, ‘And I’m Will and this is our first baby,’ too quickly after her, feeling his cheeks redden as everyone looked at him.

  Julie smiled at them all and for the next few minutes spoke about the practicalities of childbirth, handing out leaflets and notes as she spoke. Then she waved to the screen behind her. ‘Most of you are first-timers so this is all new to you but I’m sure Peter and Jane, who are on their second, won’t mind watching the video I’m about to show you of a young couple having their first child. Everything goes exactly the way it should, so it’s wonderful to watch. Afterwards, we’ll have some coffee and chat about it and you can ask any questions then. Okay?’ She looked around and then switched out the light and started the video.

  Will knew Tia had watched the childbirth video Ellie had bought several times so he wasn’t concerned she’d be shocked by it. What he wasn’t expecting was to be enthralled and fascinated himself.

  There was a collective gasp in the room when, finally, the child slipped out and gave its first cry. He looked at Tia who was staring at the screen with a smile on her face. Their child.

  She must have sensed his eyes on her because she turned to look at him, her smile faltering slightly when she saw his serious face.

  She was so like Ellie he thought, with a deep sense of regret that it wasn’t his wife sitting beside him to share these special moments. When he felt a hand slip into his, he thought for a moment that he was imagining Ellie being with him, but then he looked down and saw the hand resting in his. Tia’s, of course it was Tia’s. He gave it a gentle squeeze and kept hold of it until the video ended.

  After a quick break for tea or coffee, there was a question and answer session.

  ‘The video was pretty straightforward,’ Julie said, ‘but does anyone have any questions about it or anything else?’

  Several hands immediately shot up and for the next several minutes Will listened to aspects of birth he’d never considered. To his surprise, he noticed Tia appeared to listen intently. She’d put her hand back into his as soon as they’d taken their seats after coffee, he looked down at it now and shook off the twinge of disloyalty he felt at holding another woman’s hand while his wife was sitting at home. He covered his sigh of frustration with a quick cough.

  ‘Next week,’ Julie said, when there were no more questions, ‘you’ll be given a tour of the facilities. And then the following two weeks we’ll be covering breathing and relaxation exercises.’ She gave a nod of dismissal and left.

  Outside the clinic, Will was about to head for the tube when he looked at Tia and saw the pallor in her cheeks. ‘You’re tired?’ he asked, unsurprised when she nodded.

  ‘We’ll get a taxi,’ he said, taking her by the arm and moving to the side of the path, his eyes scanning the roads. He was in luck when one turned the corner near where he stood, its light on. He waved it down and, minutes later, they were on their way home.

  He checked his mobile. There were no messages, no missed calls.

  The house was dark when they arrived and Ellie still wasn’t home. Will wasn’t too surprised, but he was disappointed. Inside, he picked up the house phone and keyed in the four-digit code to check for messages, relieved to have one, more than relieved to hear her voice even if the message was brief.

  ‘I’m staying with friends tonight,’ she said, the strain obvious in every word. She didn’t bother to tell him which friend.

  Replacing the handset, he stared at it for a moment and then ran a hand through his hair. There was absolutely nothing he could do. He imagined her voice, you’ve already done it, and shook his head.

  In the kitchen, he opened the fridge. He could cook something but he didn’t have the heart. ‘How about we get a takeaway again?’ he said to Tia, who’d switched on the television in the living room and was sitting, relaxed, on the sofa.

  He left the money ready in the hall, ran upstairs and changed from his suit to sweatpants and a T-shirt. Barefoot, he went back down and opened the sitting room door to settle in for the evening but, finding the dark room cold and unwelcoming, he suddenly didn’t feel like being on his own.

  Back in the living room, Tia was giggling at some movie. He took a beer from the fridge and went over to see what she was watching. ‘Ghostbusters,’ he said with a smile, recognising the scene. He’d watched it years before. It had been fun.

  When the takeaway came, he brought it over and opened it on the table beside her. They helped themselves, Tia’s eyes hardly leaving the television as she chuckled at the characters.

  It wasn’t long before Will was laughing along too. When it was over, he reached for the remote and switched the television off. It was, he knew, the only way to get her undivided attention. Tia, who usually went from movie to movie, turned to him, surprised.

  He smiled at her. ‘I just wanted to ask you what you thought of the class,’ he said.

  She looked at him for a moment. ‘It was okay,’ she said.

  He tilted his head. ‘Did you understand everything they were talking about?’ He watched her face turn unusually serious, her resemblance to her sister suddenly frighteningly close, as if he was speaking to Ellie and not Tia. Sometimes, he felt like he was wading in a quagmire of complications. They were so alike, both so beautiful, the only obvious difference between them was the rounded belly of this woman who was carrying his child.

  Just when he thought she wasn’t going to answer, she said, ‘It was about what will happen to my body before the baby comes, about how it will stretch to let the baby out, about feeding the baby and how to keep baby safe.’

  Will was stunned. There had been more, of course, but she’d remembered the salient points. ‘That’s really good, Tia,’ he said, wondering if he sounded insufferably condescending.

  ‘Ellie,’ she said.

  Confused, he looked around expecting to see his wife at the door. ‘What?’

  ‘You’re suppos
ed to call me Ellie,’ she reminded him.

  He was taken aback. For a second, looking at her serious face, he wondered if Ellie was right, that maybe Tia was sharper than they’d been led to believe. Then she smiled, her expression becoming a little distant and unfocused, and he gave a little laugh. He was being foolish.

  ‘Yes, of course, Ellie,’ he said and then, deciding he’d had enough for one day, he stood. ‘Goodnight,’ he said and headed upstairs where he tossed and turned restlessly all night.

  He was sitting in the kitchen when Ellie arrived back late the next morning, the newspaper spread open, drinking tea and working his way through a packet of biscuits. ‘Hi,’ he said, looking up from the paper. ‘Did you have a good night?’

  She nodded and then, as if deciding to relent, she dropped her bag, went over to him and dropped a kiss on his head. ‘I stayed with Adie,’ she said. ‘She spent the whole evening complaining about the people who’ve moved into the apartment above her. According to her, they tap dance across the floor morning, noon and night.’ She checked there was water in the kettle and flicked it on. ‘I never heard a thing the whole time I was there,’ she said, taking down a jar of coffee. ‘You want some?’

  He shook his head. ‘She was always prone to exaggerating,’ he said, remembering the tall, leggy woman from his college years.

  ‘Yes, well, it will be a long time before I stay with her again,’ she said, taking a biscuit from the packet in front of him and dunking it into her coffee.

  ‘You didn’t have to stay out, Ellie,’ he said softly. ‘I know it’s hard for you but isolating yourself just makes it harder.’

  ‘What is it you suggest I do, Will?’ she said with more than a touch of sarcasm to hide the sadness that curled inside her. ‘Go on, give me your advice. How should I handle it when my husband goes to an antenatal class with my sister, the mother of his child?’

  ‘Maybe with a little more understanding,’ he said, hoping he hadn’t just lit a fuse.