When he went in, the bottle of wine in one hand, he saw the accusation in Ellie’s eyes.
He’d forgotten her glass.
37
At first, Tia kept Bill in her bedroom, Will carrying the cot upstairs at night and down again in the morning, but after two nights of broken sleep Ellie was exhausted. ‘How can something so small make so much noise,’ she said, rubbing a hand over her face. ‘Do you think maybe he could sleep downstairs?’ she asked Will.
He nodded. ‘It might be easier. Tia is finding the stairs a bit of a struggle anyway. I can bring a bed down for her.’
Tia, when she was asked, shrugged. ‘That’s okay, I can sleep on the sofa.’
Ellie shook her head. ‘Bring the bed down, Will. She needs a proper night’s sleep or she’ll be too exhausted to take care of him.’ She looked at her sister. ‘You need some rest too, Tia.’
‘We could put it in the sitting room,’ Will suggested.
Ellie shook her head. She needed that room. ‘It makes more sense to put it in the living room. Then Tia has easy access to the kitchen to heat bottles and stuff.’
While Will tackled the more difficult task of dismantling and moving the bed, Ellie reorganised the dining/living room to make space. She pushed the dining room table against the wall. That done, she moved the sofa and television down to free up the far end of the living room for the bed. It would fit neatly under the window.
Once the bed was in, Ellie narrowed her eyes, and directed Will to help her move a large bookshelf to screen off the bed. ‘It will give it a bit of privacy,’ she said, as they hauled the heavy piece of furniture across.
She viewed the final result with satisfaction. ‘That’s not bad, is it?’
Tia came and sat on the corner of the bed. ‘It’s fine,’ she said and then pointed to the foot of the bed. ‘Bill’s cot will fit there.’
Ellie gauged the space. She was absolutely right; it would, just about.
‘Where am I going to sit to watch the television?’ Tia asked, her attention moving from the make-shift bedroom.
‘Well, it’s not finished yet.’ Ellie said and then, with Will’s help, she proceeded to push the furniture into place. It took a while to untangle the mess of electrical cables at the back of the television to allow them to move it down the room. A final push of the sofa, and it was done. ‘There,’ Ellie said finally, ‘how’s that?’
Tia sat on the sofa and picked up the remote control. Only when the television screen lit up with one of the mindless programmes she liked to watch did she look up and say, ‘This is good.’
The new arrangements suited very well. With the baby sleeping downstairs, Ellie and Will slept well and Tia didn’t have to negotiate the stairs while she recuperated. She was, Ellie had to admit, very good with the baby. So good that it took her a few days to realise that any time she wanted to hold the baby, Tia would prevent her with some comment about Bill being cross, tired or hungry.
Two days later, Ellie came into the kitchen to find Will holding the baby. ‘He’s so gorgeous,’ she said to him with a smile, ‘let me hold him?’
‘I’m just going to feed him,’ Tia said, coming into the room and immediately reaching for the baby. ‘Maybe later?’
But later never did come.
Ellie had no intention of taking her full maternity leave and went back to work two weeks later. If eyebrows were raised, nobody commented, and she slotted back into her position as if she’d never been away. She showed photos of Bill on her phone to her colleagues when they asked, a genuine smile of pleasure on her face when they oohed and aahed and said how gorgeous he was. In that moment, Bill was hers and she relished it.
‘That’s the end of you working late,’ one of them said with a smile that faded when Ellie snatched her phone out of his hand.
‘I’ll be putting just as much into my work as I ever did,’ she said, determined to nip that attitude in the bud; she’d worked damn hard to get where she was. ‘And if that means working late, then I’ll be working late.’ She was tempted to say that she had a very capable live-in nanny, but she didn’t feel she owed him an explanation. Instead, she fixed him with a cold stare until he gave a weak smile and left.
Her female colleagues made no comments about her hours. She guessed those who had children didn’t have to ask, they knew how difficult it was to juggle home and work commitments. She found them friendlier now than they’d ever been, as if by having a child she’d joined some exclusive club. To her surprise, she found she enjoyed it.
In the evenings, over dinner, Tia surprised them both by filling them in on how Bill had been during the day. If Ellie was surprised at how chatty her normally quiet sister had become, she had no illusions; the conversation was solely for Will’s benefit. But she listened to the stories and borrowed the anecdotes to share in the office the next day watching her colleagues smile, laugh or nod in understanding.
‘He’s so gorgeous,’ one of the women said as Ellie showed her the most recent photo. ‘He seems such a happy baby too, your nanny is obviously very good. You’re very lucky.’
Ellie kept her smile in place with difficulty and took her phone back. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I am.’
If, in the office, she was the lucky mother with the adorable baby and the wonderful childcare, at home the reality was different.
Tia continued to block every attempt Ellie made to care for the baby. Will didn’t appear to notice and when she mentioned it he put his arm around her, gave her a hug and told her she was being too sensitive. ‘Give her time,’ he said.
Ellie wanted to remind him about their plan. That time was a factor. She was also worried about how close Tia was to the baby. How would she feel when she was asked to leave without him? Ellie opened her mouth to say something but the door opened and as Tia walked in with Bill in her arms, she felt his arms drop away. She stood and watched as he held his son’s tiny hand and chatted to Tia and she felt totally excluded. Will was always home before her now. She guessed he was making excuses to leave his office early and, now, whatever time she got in, he’d be holding Bill, with Tia hovering around, giving advice or sharing stories of what they’d done that day.
She joined in, asking questions, genuinely interested in the baby but always feeling at the edge of the conversation with Tia addressing all comments to Will. Even when she answered Ellie’s questions, it was to Will she spoke.
It made Ellie feel isolated. Invisible.
Just when she thought she couldn’t take it any longer, she had a phone call from Brighton. After delay upon delay, the bungalow was ready. She almost cried with relief.
‘I’d like to have it fully furnished so my relative can move in as soon as possible, can you handle that?’ She was assured that could be done. For a fee, of course. ‘Whatever it takes,’ Ellie muttered when she hung up.
She’d promised Will that Tia could stay two months to recover from her operation. With the bungalow now ready, she began to count down the days. She also became more assertive when it came to spending time with Bill. Sneaking in to pick him up for a cuddle when Tia popped out of the room.
‘I’ll take him,’ Tia said, returning to find Bill in Ellie’s arms. ‘I need to feed him.’
But Ellie had been watching. ‘No,’ she said firmly, holding him closer, ‘he’s not due a feed for another hour.’
She took a deep breath when she saw the look of annoyance on Tia’s face. ‘He’s perfectly safe, you know,’ she said gently, ‘and I can feed him too. Give you a rest.’
Tia shook her head. ‘I like to feed him.’
‘Fine,’ Ellie said, ‘you do the next feed and I’ll do the one after. It’s time you had a proper nap.’
A few hours later, she lifted her head when the door opened and Will walked into the room. She saw his eyes widen and slide between her, the bottle gripped tightly in her hand as Bill guzzled, and Tia who was sitting staring at them. She could see the doubt on his face and in his eyes before his face cleared. �
�I don’t usually see you feeding Bill, Ellie,’ he said, coming over and dropping a kiss on her head before caressing his son’s cheek.
‘I’ve not been allowed up to now,’ she said, looking up and holding his gaze, ‘but it’s time, I think.’
She saw by the look in his eyes that he knew what she meant. It was time to start planning for Tia’s departure.
‘The first thing we need to do is to find an experienced nanny,’ she said to Will the next morning as he finished getting ready for work, knotting the silk tie she’d bought him for his last birthday. ‘We’ll need to advertise. I think live-in for the first year or two, don’t you?’
She watched his hands freeze for a moment before he finished and turned to her. ‘A nanny won’t sleep in the living room,’ he said. ‘Bill will have to come back upstairs.’
Ellie frowned. She hadn’t thought of that. ‘He can stay downstairs, can’t he? Don’t they start to sleep through the night after a couple of months?’
Will had no idea, but he shook his head. ‘I don’t think they do until they’re a few months old but, anyway, it will vary from child to child, I’m sure. Maybe we should let Tia stay for a few more months.’
Ellie chewed her lower lip. She couldn’t afford to have sleepless nights; her job was stressful enough without adding that to it. Then she brightened. ‘I know what we could do,’ she said, ‘we could make the sitting room into a bedroom.’
‘And all of us sit on top of one another in the evening and at weekends. Absolutely not,’ Will said. He could see by the look on her face that she agreed. ‘We have two choices. We put up with sleepless nights until Bill starts to sleep through, or we let Tia stay with us until he does.’
Feeling cornered, Ellie turned away. ‘Let’s think about it for a while,’ she said. When he’d gone she took out her phone and did an internet search for information. She wanted to find out that all babies slept through the night from two months; unfortunately, that wasn’t what she discovered. ‘Nine months!’ She pressed a few more keys and swore loudly. ‘Twelve months? ’
She sat on the bed reading the information before slamming the phone down on the bed beside her. Maybe they’d be one of the lucky few whose baby slept through from three months. She could cope for another month; after all, it wasn’t as though she had much choice.
And it probably would have gone on like this, the decision being put off month after month, if she hadn’t felt unwell a few weeks later. Reluctantly, she left work early and arrived home to find Will and Tia sitting on the rug in the sitting room, Bill on the floor between them chuckling as one and then the other tickled him.
Engrossed with the child, they hadn’t heard her come in. She stood in the half-open doorway watching them. Watching Will. When had he last looked at her like that? Heartache twisted and squeezed her until she felt weak and dizzy. Grabbing onto the edge of the door she fell forward as the door swung open under her weight, falling to her knees, adding more pain to the gut-wrenching ache in her heart.
Will and Tia turned at the same moment. Will rushed to her side while Tia picked up the baby and held him close as if he was in danger.
‘Ellie, are you okay?’ Will asked, kneeling beside her and peering into her face, his creased with concern. ‘What happened? How on earth did you fall?’
The laugh Ellie tried had a hint of hysteria around the edges. She tried again. Better. ‘Just me being clumsy,’ she said, accepting his helping hand and struggling to her feet. Her knee hurt, the wooden floor was unforgiving. ‘I’m going to have a bruise there,’ she added, pulling her hand from his and bending to rub her knee. She straightened and looked over his shoulder to where Tia still stood with the baby in her arms. As she watched, Tia placed a kiss on the child’s head, and then held her lips to his ear and whispered words only he could hear.
Telling him secrets? Or telling him lies? Ellie felt her lips tremble.
‘You’re home early,’ Will said, and sat down in the sofa to stare up at her. ‘That’s not like you.’
‘I wasn’t feeling very well. I think I’ve caught a bug,’ she said, rubbing a hand across her forehead. ‘I’ve a bit of a temperature.’
Will looked suddenly alarmed, his eyes darting from Ellie to his son. ‘Mind Bill doesn’t catch whatever it is,’ he said.
A dart of annoyance swept through her. It went straight to her spinal cord and strengthened it. ‘Thanks for your concern for me, Will,’ she said, lifting her chin.
‘Infection is more of a risk for him,’ he said, pursing his lips.
‘The great childcare expert,’ she said. She picked up her bag from the floor and turned to leave, adding with even heavier sarcasm, ‘I’d better take myself off before I contaminate the room.’
In their bedroom, she stripped off her suit and put on a pair of cotton pyjamas. The image of the three of them on the floor came back. It would haunt her for a long time. In the bathroom, she opened the cabinet. She felt awful and her head ached. She rummaged among the bottles and packets. There was definitely paracetamol in the kitchen cupboard, but she wasn’t going back down.
‘Aha,’ she said, finding a packet tucked at the back. They might have been there for years, but at this point she didn’t care. Popping two from the foil, she swallowed them, turned the tap on, and took a drink of water to wash them down.
She climbed onto the bed, lay back against the pillows, and, for several minutes, didn’t move and barely blinked. Then, with a loud sigh, she closed her eyes. That look of love on his face. Was it just for Bill? Or was he falling in love with the mother of his child? He hadn’t mentioned why he was home early. How often was he coming home and playing happy families?
They’d been rock-solid before Tia came along, before the baby came along. They could be again. She wanted Will, she wanted his son. Something had to be done.
An hour later, despite the ideas that were spinning around her head, the pain had gone. She still felt a little queasy, but there was no time to delay. She made a quick phone call to her office, explaining she was feeling much worse and wouldn’t be in for a few days. The plan she’d come up with wouldn’t take longer than that.
A couple more phone calls and it was taking shape. She tossed her phone onto the bed beside her and lay back feeling the headache returning with a grunt of annoyance. She needed to be better in the morning. There was no putting it off any longer.
Despite feeling poorly, she felt energised by action and when Will came up a couple of hours later to see if she wanted anything, he was surprised to find her almost cheerful. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, responding to her uplifted hand, taking it and sitting beside her on the bed. ‘I’ve become a bit obsessed with Bill, I know.’
‘A bit,’ she said, smiling to show him she was joking.
He laughed. ‘Okay, a lot. It’s just that I’ve wanted this for so long. You do understand, don’t you?’
Instead of replying, she patted the bed covers. Will kicked off his shoes and swung his legs onto the bed to snuggle up beside her. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, rubbing his hands up her leg and lingering on the inside of her thigh.
Ellie pushed his hand away. ‘I’m feeling terrible,’ she said, ‘my head is thumping, and I feel sick.’
He rolled away and sat up. ‘We haven’t made love since we found out about the pregnancy. You’re never going to forgive me, are you?’
She reached out and laid a hand on his back. ‘I have forgiven you, Will. It’s the forgetting I’m having a problem with.’ She moved her hand gently up and down his back. ‘Tomorrow,’ she said. ‘I promise.’
He leaned back and kissed her, his lips lingering. ‘Tomorrow,’ he said and stood up.
Ellie declined his offers of food or drink. ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, ‘I’ve taken some pills.’
‘I’ll come back and check on you in a while,’ he said, ‘try to close your eyes, get some rest.’
Ellie closed her eyes but when the bedroom door shut they flicked open. Her plan
had to work, she thought. Her marriage depended on it.
38
Luckily, whatever bug she’d had was gone by the next morning and, as soon as Will left for work, she jumped up and got dressed. One of the previous day’s phone calls had been to an agency. If they were as good as their word, the doorbell should be ringing in about fifteen minutes. When it rang dead on time, she decided it was a good omen.
The conservatively dressed, middle-aged woman who stood on the doorstep was the picture of reliability and competence. Just what she hoped for. ‘Come in,’ she said, with a relieved smile, ‘I’m Ellie Armstrong.’
‘Sally Watson,’ the woman said, looking around the hallway appreciatively. ‘This is nice.’
‘Thank you.’ Ellie opened the door into the sitting room. ‘Please, take a seat in here for the moment. I’ve just a couple of things to do and then I’ll bring you in and introduce you to the baby.’
She waited until the woman sat before closing the door and then stood listening at the kitchen door, trying to hear what Tia was doing. There was no sound from inside, so she went in. To her surprise, for a change, Tia wasn’t lounging in front of the television, feeding the baby or holding him in her arms. The thought crossed her mind that she was much more tactile with him when Will was around.
Now, perched on a stool at the island, she was reading a newspaper and looking bored.
‘Goodness,’ Ellie said, moving into the room. ‘I’ve never seen you reading the newspaper before. Are there no magazines?’
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