'Til There Was You

by Jerry Cole

  “How is Cassidy, by the way?” Austin asked as coolly and calmly as he could. “Spoken to him lately?”

  There could be no doubt that Finn knew exactly what Austin was referring. His eyes widened, his mouth dropped, his body stiffened. “What do you... I... huh?” he stammered.

  “Don’t,” Austin warned. “Don’t even...”

  Finn licked his lips as his eyes flicked around the park. As he did so, he pushed Zac back a little further, like he was searching for an escape and getting ready to run as soon as he saw one. “He called you?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “I... I didn’t actually—”

  “Don’t,” Austin warned. His voice was mellow, his expression despondent. The anger was gone, and now replaced with that crushing realization that everything he had heard was true. His boyfriend really was a fuck boy. Worse than that, he was a liar. “Don’t try and justify it... or explain it. Just don’t.”

  Finn nodded his understanding. He too looked hurt, but for different reasons. “I’m sorry, Austin. You have to know I am.”

  “I know.”

  “Then what?” Finn asked. He took a step closer to Austin... but not too close. Not yet. “Tell me what to say. Or what to do. Please – know I would never...”

  Austin looked over Finn’s shoulder at Zac, still watching, now looking more confused than anything. “Not here. Not now.” He indicated to Zac.

  Finn nodded his understanding. He then took a deep breath and tried for an over the top smile as he spun on the spot to face Zac. “Hey, bud! Ready for the next one?!”

  Zac fiddled with his hands as he nervously asked, “Is everything... what’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” Austin said quickly. He then went to Finns side and put his arm around him. He even gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Nothing. It’s just all these rides have my blood up.” A fake laugh, joined by Finn. “But I’m ready for the next. Which one do you want?”

  Austin would fake it for the rest of the trip. Why not? He’d been doing it for the past day already. But when it was over, and they were back in Sydney and free of Zac’s watching eyes, he and Finn would have the talk. And based on this little argument, on everything said and how Finn had reacted, Austin guessed he wasn’t going to like how it ended.

  But then again, either would Finn.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  They didn’t stay at the hotel that night. Rather, the three tourists left Wild World as the sun was setting, quickly stopped by the hotel to pick up their things, and then made the long drive home. It was a nine-hour drive from the Gold Coast down to Sydney, which would see them get in just before three in the morning. Were it any other situation, there was no way they would have made the drive. But this wasn’t any other situation.

  Finn was pretty sure he didn’t say one word for that entire drive. Or even from the moment that they left the park. He might have told Zac how long he had to collect his things back at the hotel? But that was it. And even if he had, he didn’t remember. From the fight onwards, everything was a blur.

  And so, they drove in silence, which really, Finn was happy for. With Zac half-asleep in the backseat, and with nowhere to run to, the last thing he wanted was to have the talk. It was going to be awkward. It was going to be hard. It was going to be painful. So best that it be put off until the two men were alone.

  In a weird way, Finn was grateful for the drive as it allowed for him time to think. He was able to sit behind the wheel and stare dead ahead, basically act like Austin wasn’t in the seat beside him, as he retreated into his own thoughts and tried to come up with a way to save his relationship. Because when he left Movie World that afternoon, that was what he wanted. He wanted he and Austin to stay together.

  The two men were so good together, so why the fuck not? The sex was unreal. They got on amazingly. They were both physically and emotionally attracted to one another. So why not keep trying? And yes, Finn had fucked up. But so had Austin, as far as he was concerned. If they both apologized and moved on, then that should be it.

  But the drive was nine hours long, and in that time, a lot can change.

  The reason that Finn had gone out that night and flirted with other men as if he were single again wasn’t really to do with how angry he was at Austin. Oh sure, he told himself that was the reason, and it sounded as good as anything else... but it wasn’t true. The real reason, and one that took him roughly seven-and-a-half-hour of stone-cold reflection to finally admit to was because he was mad at himself for being in that kind of situation in the first place.

  When Finn was single, the idea of sitting around all day hoping for a text from another guy was laughable. Honestly, the only time that Finn so much as smiled during that drive home was when that idea came to him. Finn the playboy, the bachelor, the man-whore, skulking around the house all day long in the hopes that another man might call him and see what he was doing? It made no sense.

  And it wasn’t just that one incident either. It was everything. When Finn was single, he was his own man. From where he ate, to what time he woke up, to what he wore, to where he went on weekends right on down to who he slept with. It was all on him and no one else. And, truth be told, it had been great.

  Finn had loved being single. He really had. And now, in this car, with his boyfriend sitting less than a foot from him, most likely gearing himself to break up with Finn anyway, Finn had to wonder if this whole relationship thing was worth it? Honestly, he wasn’t so sure that it was.

  And yes, there were the good times as well. But in his current mood, Finn chose to ignore those. As far as he was concerned, there had been no good times.

  “Can you drop me off at my place?” Austin spoke as the car entered the outskirts of Sydney.

  “Huh?” Finn blinked. It was the first time either of them had spoken in about three hours, and that was just Austin asking if Finn could pull the car over so he could go to the bathroom.

  “My place.” Austin indicated a sign that pointed in the direction of his suburb. “Can you...?”

  “Oh, right. Yeah.” Finn hadn’t really thought about it, but it made sense to drop Austin off. There was no way he’d be staying over.

  More silence now, right up until the moment the car was pulled over out the front of Austin’s apartment. Finn turned the car off, pulled the keys out and then just kind of sat there. He knew he was going to have to go up so the two could talk. He just didn’t want to be the one to instigate it.

  “I think we need to talk.” Austin popped open the door and indicated toward his apartment. “Do you want to...?”

  Finn glanced in the backseat, where Zac was still sound asleep. “All right. But it’s got to be quick. If Angela knew he was up this late...”

  “It will be.” Austin gave a tight-lipped smile as he climbed from the car.

  The silence continued as the two men walked toward the apartment, then up the three flights of stairs, down the hallway and toward the front door. There, Austin took a few moments to find his keys, which only created more tension and served to highlight how little was being said.

  “Sorry,” Austin mumbled as he searched through his bags.

  “It’s fine,” Finn offered back. He went to touch Austin on the shoulder, but stopped himself.

  Last night, when Finn had been lying in bed with Austin, he had told him that he loved him. And that was because he did. The idea of leaving Austin had been the last thing on his mind and he was certain the two were back on track toward making everything being better. Then they had that fight, which only hardened Finn’s resolve. He and Austin would get through this. The second half of that nine-hour drive changed Finn’s perception, and had him leaning toward ending it. For the sake of both of them. But now...

  The point was that nothing was clear to Finn. Even he didn’t know what he really wanted.

  As Finn stood back and watched his boyfriend fumble with his bag in search of his keys, he was reminded of all the little things he loved about him. He l
oved how gangly he was, with those long limbs and that skinny torso. He loved how awkward he could be, making something as simple as finding the keys an arduous task. He loved his scent, he loved his smile, he loved so fucking much about him that he hurt.

  But Finn also loved being single. He didn’t like the reliance he always felt on Austin. He didn’t like having to plan his day around others. He didn’t like that he couldn’t go and get drunk on his own, or do what he wanted when he wanted it. And most of all, he hated the pain he felt whenever he thought that Austin was with someone else, or even the idea that one day Austin might be. That pain, that stabbing, squeezing, unfathomable pain was more than Finn could bear. He hated it.

  Needless to say, when Austin did finally find the keys and pop open the front door, Finn was no closer to figuring out what he wanted. He just hoped Austin knew.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” Austin asked as he made his way inside.

  “I’m all right.” Finn half walked into the apartment; half stood by the door. “Like I said, I can’t stay long.”

  From the looks of things, Cassidy either wasn’t home or was fast asleep. This was a Godsend. If he was here right now, well, it wouldn’t have been pleasant.

  Austin appeared from out of his bedroom, having just dropped off his bags. At the sight of Finn half standing in the doorway, refusing to walk all the way into the room, Austin balked. “You’re not coming in?”

  “I,” Finn bit into his lip, looked over his shoulder and out the door as if assessing his escape... and then nodded his agreement. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “I wasn’t sure how long I would be.”

  “That’s on you.” Austin stood back about ten feet from Finn. His arms were crossed, his eyebrow was raised, he was clearly waiting for Finn to initiate.

  But Finn didn’t. He still didn’t know what he wanted, or what Austin wanted for that matter. Yes, he loved the guy. But could he be with him? Could he be with anyone?

  Austin sighed. “We have to talk.” He stayed back about fifteen feet. The gap between them may as well have been a mile.

  “Then talk,” Finn shrugged lamely. This was it.

  Austin sighed again, and bowed his head. Maybe he had been hoping that Finn would be more proactive? Maybe he had been hoping that Finn would come right out and apologize. Whatever he had been hoping, this wasn’t it. “Cassidy.”

  “I didn’t do anything wrong,” Finn blurted before he could stop himself.

  “You really don’t think so?”

  “So I’m not allowed to get drunk anymore?” Finn argued defensively. “Every time I want to drink, I have to call you up and make sure it’s all right—”

  “You know that’s not what this is about.”

  “Not that I’d be able to anyway,” Finn charged through his talking point like a bull at the gates. “Not when you’re either away for a month straight, or on the phone all day with Michael.” As always, Finn made sure to emphasize Michael’s name like it were poison dripping from his tongue.

  “Seriously?” Austin asked apathetically. He didn’t sound at all surprised, like he had been expecting it. “That’s what you’re going with?”

  “MMhhmm,” Finn nodded and held his chin high.

  Austin looked frustrated as he spoke. He clenched his fists, ground his teeth, tilted his head. “Michael is just my manager and nothing more. You know that.”

  “You sure hit the jackpot with managers, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t choose him.”

  “No, but he chose you.”

  “That’s got nothing to do with it. This isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.” Austin was starting to look frustrated, which for some sick reason actually made Finn happy. If he couldn’t win this fight, at least he’d have that.

  “No. You want to talk about Cassidy and how I tried to fuck him the other night. Right?”

  “I... so it’s true?” Austin balked. “That’s what you wanted?”

  “No... maybe... I dunno.” Finn never wanted to fuck Cassidy. He didn’t even want to hurt Austin. He had just wanted to prove to himself that he didn’t need anyone. That he was the same man he’d always been. Not that he’d admit that now.

  “How do you not – did you try and fuck Cassidy or not? Finn, please!”

  “Do you even care what I have to say?”

  “Of course I do! But you have to say it!”

  “I was never going to sleep with Cassidy!” Finn shouted. He didn’t dare look away from Austin now, meeting his eyes as he screamed. “I wouldn’t do that to you! You know I wouldn’t!”

  “Then what? Because Cassidy called me and was certain you were trying to—”

  “To make you jealous, obviously!”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know!”

  The shouting had reached a fervor pitch, but with Finn’s final admission, the two stopped dead. Their breathing was up, their eyes still bore into one another’s, and that small open space between them was beginning to look like no-man's land, too deadly to dare cross.

  “You don’t have to be jealous, Finn. I can’t believe you would ever...”

  “It’s not just that,” Finn sighed and looked down at his feet. He was too ashamed to look at Austin... especially with that he had to say next. “I don’t... I’ve been single basically my whole life.”

  “I know.” Austin took a tentative step closer.

  “And I loved it. I really, really... and then you came along. And I loved that too.”

  “So did I – I do, I mean.”

  Finn was still staring at the ground. “But when you were gone... I... I... I don’t like feeling like I need you. Sitting around all day, waiting for a call. Hating that you’re not with me. Wanting you to come back. That’s not me. It never has been.”

  Austin took another step forward. “That’s a relationship, Finn. That’s what this whole thing is about – surely, you see that?” he begged.

  Finn didn’t move to Austin. “I know.” He had one more thing to say, but he didn’t know if he could. “Maybe... if that’s the case...” A deep breath. “Maybe I’m not cut out to be in a relationship.”

  Austin stopped moving toward him. He balked. He paused. He hesitated. Finn could feel the reaction as he tried to get Finn to look at him, but Finn refused. “What are you saying?” His voice trembled.

  “I don’t know,” Finn shrugged as he continued to stare at the ground.

  “Will you fucking look at me and say it!” Austin snapped.

  Finn’s head snapped up. He could feel tears brimming in his eyes; it stung. He could feel his cheeks burning. His heart thumping. His body shaking. He wanted to burst into tears, to grab Austin and hold him. But he also knew he couldn’t. “I don’t know if we should keep seeing each other.”

  A deathly silence followed this declaration. It was like a ghost, rising from the space between them, growing and covering the room. It made Finn shake where he stood. And it made Austin take a quick step back., and then another. The look on his face was one of both shock and disgust.

  “You don’t mean that,” Austin whispered.

  “I do,” Finn lied and looked back down.

  “No, you don’t.”

  Finn clenched his jaw and nodded his head. “I do... I... I don’t think... we shouldn’t...” He couldn’t even say it.

  Was this what Finn wanted? To break up? Probably not. Austin was the best thing to ever happen to him, and he knew it. But he also knew he was weak, a coward and a wimp. If breaking up with Austin mean avoiding ever feeling hurt again, than maybe it was for the best.

  “You should go,” Austin said suddenly.

  “Huh?”

  “Go.” Austin pointed toward the door. “It’s late. And what you’re saying, I don’t believe you.”

  “Believe it,” Finn said through his teeth. He was trying to stop himself from crying. It wasn’t working.

  “Go,” Austin said again. He then turned around and started
heading for his bedroom. “And come back when you know what you actually want – when you grow some fucking balls.”

  “Austin.” Finn took a half step forward, but then stopped. Austin turned around, half facing Finn, half facing his bedroom. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are.”

  And that was it. Finn wasn’t sure if the two had broken up, or had just had a fight. But he didn’t want to argue when Austin asked him to leave, and that was because he wanted to get the heck out of there. So, he offered a half-smile, turned on his heel and just about fled that apartment like his life depended on it.

  The drive from Austin’s place to his was a little less than fifteen, minutes, and every single second of them was used to break down that argument. By the time Finn pulled up at his apartment and turned the car off, he realized he was no closer to figuring out who had won, who had lost and what the result was. They had fought, Finn had kind of said that he wanted it to end, but Austin hadn’t really believed him.

  The only resounding conclusion that Finn could come up with, and indeed there was no denying this, was that he was a coward. And as for what happened next? As far as Finn was now concerned, it was up to Austin. Austin was more man than he could ever be. Really, Austin was just too good for him.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “I love it! Oh boy, do I.... oh!” Cassidy clapped his hands together as if doing so might stop him from exploding on the spot. “It is lovely,” he finished with a little more control.

  “You think so?” Austin sucked through his teeth as he took another look around. Hands on hips, head tilted to the side. He liked it, but he wasn’t sure that he loved it just yet. “It’s not too open?”

  “Is that even a thing? Find me one straight man that has ever complain about a woman’s legs being too—”

  “Lucky then that I’m gay.”

  “The point still stands,” Cassidy continued rightly. “Too open isn’t a thing, honey. Just imagined with the summer sun coming through here, curtains open. Oh!” He balled his fists up and started to shake. “We’re going to be having a lot of parties here.”