'Til There Was You

by Jerry Cole

  “We?” Austin raised an eyebrow at Cassidy.

  “Oh, honey, just because you’ve moved out, doesn’t mean that I’m not taking full advantage of you... and this place.” He held his arms wide and indicated to everything in sight. “So yes, we’re going to be having a lot of parties here. There’s going to be more dick flying around then a brothel in Newtown.”

  “Charming,” Austin grimaced at the thought. “Now come on. Enough gushing, and more unpacking. Chop, chop.” He clapped his hands together as if to kick Cassidy into gear. Cassidy rolled his eyes, but ultimately complied, and together, the two men got about what they had come here for in the first place.

  It was Austin’s brand-new apartment, to which the two men were referring, and currently unpacking what appeared to be every cardboard box available in Sydney into. Austin had signed the lease agreement just two days ago, and had managed to convince Cassidy to help him move in... helped along by the drinks they were going to be having right after, of course.

  The apartment itself was a nice little one-bedder located in the middle of Surry Hills, with hard-wooden floors, an open-layout, and a beautiful big balcony with view of the city. It was the perfect bachelor pad—as Cassidy called it—and a definite step up in Austin’s life.

  “Honestly, I don’t know why you didn’t do this months ago!” Cassidy cooed as he picked up the smallest box among the dozens and carried it toward Austin’s new bedroom. “Oh, that’s right. Because you’d miss me too much.”

  “Yeah, that’s why. Oh, and because I couldn’t afford it,” Austin remind him as he moved for the kitchen and began to unpack the plates and utensils.

  “Excuses!” Cassidy shouted back. His head then popped around the corner. “Admit it though. This feels good, doesn’t it.” His smile was knowing, and his eyebrows were so high on his forehead they threatened to disappear. “A new start.”

  Austin had to admit, it did feel good. But, not great. No, definitely not that.

  The good came from Austin’s career and the fact that it was finally on track. His first book had sold more copies than New World Publications could have ever dreamed and as such, they had signed him for two more books, with a large signing bonus to boot. This meant that he could cruise for the next few months without stressing, and was ultimately set up as far as work was concerned for the next twenty-four months. The rent on this place was high, but not even close to being unaffordable. And most importantly, he loved what he did.

  With all of this in mind, it was impossible to argue that that the move didn’t feel good. Austin had his own place, with his own living room, with his own bathroom, with his own everything. But if all that was the case, then why wasn’t it great? What was holding him back from that most sort after of superlatives? The answer should have been clear.

  “Austin! Your phone’s ringing!” Cassidy shouted from the bedroom. “Want me to answer—”

  “No!” Austin just about screamed as he sprinted from the kitchen and toward his new bedroom. “Leave it!” He hurried into his room, one caked in boxes, bits of plywood for the yet-to-be-built bedframe, and about one hundred coat-hangers.

  Cassidy stood in the center of the room, one hand on his hip, the other holding up a cell phone that was vibrating furiously. “Tell me, boyo. Who the devil is Eduardo?”

  Austin glared at Cassidy and snatched the phone and then answered it. “Hey,” he breathed heavily as he turned and power walked out of the room and away from Cassidy’s prying ears.

  “Austin,” the smooth, Latino accent of Eduardo seemed to purr on the other end of the line. “Is this a bad time?”

  Austin stepped out onto the balcony and closed the door behind him. “Ah... yeah, sorry. I’m just moving into the new place and—”

  “Shit, my mistake,” Eduardo chastised himself. “I forgot you were moving today.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “I just wanted to make sure that we were still on for later tonight, is all? Rascal’s Bar, yes?”

  “Nine o’clock,” Austin agreed.

  “Perfect,” Eduardo then growled. “I am looking forward to it.”

  Austin hesitated. He looked out over the balcony and toward the city. Four million people contained in such a small space, yet there was only one that Austin wanted to have drinks with tonight. And it sure as heck wasn’t Eduardo. “Me too,” Austin lied.

  “That’s what I like to hear,” Eduardo joked. “I will be seeing you then.”

  “See ya then.” Austin hung the phone up and shoved it into his pocket like it were a ticking time bomb.

  About to go back inside, he gave himself another second to admire the view of the city, all the while thinking about one person in particular. Then, a deep breath, a shake of the head to dispel these most depressing of thoughts, and he spun around, not at all surprised to see Cassidy standing in the middle of the living room, hands on hips, eyeing him with curiosity... and most likely a dozen questions pertaining to that call.

  “Well?” Cassidy demanded when Austin stepped back inside.

  “Well?” Austin frowned and walked right on by Cassidy and back toward the kitchen.

  “Funny.” Cassidy skipped after him. “Who was that?”

  “Who was that who?”

  “On the call!”

  “What call?”

  “Are you trying to annoy me!”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Austin! If you don’t tell me who was on that call, then I’ll... I’ll...” In the kitchen, Cassidy searched the small room for an answer. His eyes landed on a serrated knife and he grabbed at it and held it to his heart as if to stab himself. “I’ll end it all! Right here and now! Tell meeeeeeeee!”

  “It was Eduardo!” Austin hurried and snatched at the knife. “Fuck.”

  “Who’s Eduardo?”

  “The guy on the phone.

  “Austin!” Cassidy screamed and wrung his hands in the air. “Who the fuck is Eduardo?!”

  Eduardo was Austin’s date for later tonight, at what he predicted to be about two hours after his drinks with Cassidy, which in turn would get Austin nice and liquored up so that he’d have both the courage and personal resolve to go on said date in the first place... not that he even wanted to. His desire to not go on the date had nothing to do with Eduardo either, but more to do with who Eduardo wasn’t.

  It had been five weeks since that fateful morning with Finn. Five long, confusing, painful weeks in which Austin had neither seen nor heard from the man he was once convinced that he was in love with. Fuck, he still might have been for all he knew. What else could explain the way he was feeling?

  Following their fight that morning, Austin decided that the best course of action was to wait. It was Finn who had done the wrong thing, and thus it was Finn who needed to come back to him. If he apologized, or really just hinted that he wanted another chance, Austin would have taken him back in a second. As said, he loved the guy.

  And besides, Austin wasn’t even entirely convinced the two had broken up. Their fight had been an odd one; more of a ‘get everything off their chest’ kind of deal. Austin had complained about Finn’s antics with Cassidy, and Finn had complained about... well, everything.

  Austin had always known that Finn used to be a bit of a fuck boy. Fuck, he’d never tried to keep it a secret. He’d also known that when the two had first met, Finn had doubted whether he could fall for Austin. And even when they did start to date, again, Austin had been more than aware of Finn’s past and how hard it was for him to settle down. None of this was new information. What was new was how little Finn had changed.

  He was sure that Finn had grown since they’d first met. He was certain! For nearly five months it had been nothing but smooth sailing between the two. Austin had been happy, Finn had been happy, and together they had been happy. Even when Austin was away for that month – barring the last night – all had seemed fine. Finn told him every day that he couldn’t wait until he was back, and Austin believed it.


  But one single transgression had changed everything. And it wasn’t even that bad of a transgression! Finn had gotten drunk and flirted with Cassidy, and probably a few other men too. But once he realized what he was doing he stopped and went home. So really, there was no harm. But this night seemed to have awakened something within Finn, possibly reminding him of who he was and what he was missing out on.

  Finn claimed he wanted to be single again. Austin refused to believe it, and thus left him to his own devices. He was sure, certain, positive that if he could lay low, then Finn would come back and all would be well. That was five weeks ago and he hadn’t heard so much as a peep.

  “Eduardooooooo.” Cassidy let the name roll off his tongue. “He sounds sexy.”

  “Maybe,” Austin shrugged.

  “What? You don’t think he is?” Cassidy demanded.

  “I haven’t met him.” Austin pushed past Cassidy, out of the kitchen and made for the living room. “Can you please get back in the bedroom. I want it close to done before—”

  “No, no.” Cassidy darted in front of Austin and blocked him. “What do you mean you haven’t seen him. How'd you meet?!”

  “Michael,” was all Austin was willing to say. He then picked up a box full of old DVD’s and carried them toward where the TV was going to go. This was just so he didn’t have to look at Cassidy.

  What was Austin doing, going on dates? Seriously, what the hell? It had only been five weeks since Finn, and Austin still harbored the brief hope that he might one day call. But Michael, as always, had been insistent.

  “Back on the horse!” Michael had declared when he set up the first date one week ago. “That’s how it’s done.”

  “I’m not ready,” Austin had argued. He’d been in the process of filling out the application for his new apartment at the time at the idea of dating was the last thing on his mind.

  “You never will be,” Michael had then said rightly. “This is the only way to get over a man... or under him. Aye,” he nudged and winked.

  Austin wasn’t so sure. Between his work and his move and the fact that his heart still ached every time he thought about Finn, he knew he wasn’t ready. But he also knew that wallowing in self-pity wouldn’t help either, and that maybe, just maybe, a date with another man would kick him back into gear. At the very least it was better than sitting at home and crying.

  “Well I’m bored,” Cassidy declared suddenly and dropped the box he was carrying. It was a cardboard box full of clothes, but Austin still grimaced.

  “And what a help you’ve been,” Austin said dryly.

  “Screw you.” Cassidy waved him down. “Hire a service if you want the job done right. As for me, I’m going to go and get drunk.” He skipped toward the door, paused and turned. “Are you coming?”

  Austin didn’t even bother pretending that he wouldn’t. Not only did he not want to spend the remainder of the afternoon alone in his new apartment, being reminded of the fact that he was alone. But he also wanted to get a little buzz happening before his date. That was the only way he’d be getting through it.

  “Fiiiiinnnnnnnne.” Austin forced a smile and stopped what he was doing. “Twist my arm.”

  “If you’re lucky, Eduardo will be twisting more than that later on,” Cassidy grinned wickedly.

  “What does that even mean?”

  Cassidy shrugged. “I don’t know. Something to do with hand-jobs I think – you know what I mean!” He skipped toward the front door and threw it open. “Now, where to?”

  “Ahhhh, El Loco is just down the road. Frozen margarita, anyone?” Austin used to be all about gin and tonics. But they reminded him too much of Finn, so he was currently avoiding them.

  “You had me at ‘hell yes!’” Cassidy traipsed through the door and spun on his heel. He then gave Austin a look that said, ‘Are you coming?’

  Austin slowly made his away across his new apartment. As he did, he dared a glance back over the balcony and toward the view of the city. A city of four million people, but only one was on Austin’s mind. He had been so certain that Finn would call. He had known it. But now...

  “First one’s on you,” Austin said as he walked on by Cassidy.

  “After I helped you unpack?” Cassidy cried as he slammed the door closed behind them.

  “Excuse me?” Austin raised a condescending eyebrow.

  Cassidy grimaced. “Fair call. But only if you agree to tell me everything about this Eduardo. Leave no stone unfucked, so to speak.”

  Austin forced a laugh and nodded his head. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about Eduardo. Actually, the last thing he wanted to do was go on a date with Eduardo, or anyone for that matter. But he also had to be realistic. Finn had his chance to call and he didn’t take it. This could only mean the two were over. Finn certainly seemed to think so. Maybe, finally, it was time that Austin realized this too.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Finn never thought he’d be here. Oh sure, he’d spoken about it enough, and he’d told anyone that would listen about it, and a few times he’d even had himself convinced. But even still... he never would have guessed it.

  And it was all the stranger when taking into account how great the last five months or so had been.... with the exception of a few weeks. Never, ever would he have guessed it. Yet here he was. It was funny how quickly things changed sometimes. Funny and depressing as hell.

  “We also book hotels, touring packages, restaurants, taxis... literally anything you like! We make it so easy that all you have to do is roll out of bed in the morning... and if that’s too hard, I have a number you can call for that also.” The bubbly attendant tittered at her joke as she typed away on her computer without so much as glancing at the screen. It was second nature for her by this point.

  “I’m good,” Finn said as he forced a chuckle, to which she smiled pleasantly. “Just the flight is fine.”

  “And are you sure I can’t interest you in a connection? India is great and everything, but me personally, I wouldn’t want to spend too long. From Mumbai it’s a hop skip and jump just across to—”

  “Just the flight,” Finn cut her off. He was doing his best to keep it friendly, but his mood was sour and he could feel it bubbling to the surface.

  “All righty,” the attendant said pleasantly. She wore big thick glasses, under which she had sparkly green eyes. She fluttered them as she spoke. “Just give me one minute and I’ll get that all set for you.” She then went back to typing away on the computer, her pink manicured nails moving frantically across the keyboard. “So, why the sudden trip?” she asked after a few more moments. “And so soon. Feeling spontaneous are we – I do love a little spontaneity.”

  “Something like that,” Finn shrugged.

  “How fun!” She beamed at Finn and he forced one back. It might have been the first time he’d smiled in six weeks.

  Six weeks. Was that how long it had been? It felt like a year to Finn; a long, drawn out, hallow, painful year. Never had Finn cried so much. Never had Finn wallowed in self-pity like he had over the past six weeks. Never had he felt so small, so insignificant, like such a fucking loser. This was pain the likes of which Finn had never known and all he wanted was for it to stop.

  Worse too, it was entirely his fault.

  He had known that Cassidy was going to tell Austin what he had done. There was nothing he could have done about that. What Finn could have controlled though was how he had acted, what he had said in response, and how the argument had played out... even if only a little.

  But Finn had chosen to play games for no other reason than he was a coward. He had hoped that if he pretended nothing was wrong, then Austin would silently forgive him, and they’d move on. It was an idiotic plan that only spoke to how inexperienced Finn was at relationships.

  Austin didn’t silently forgive him. Instead, the two fought. And where Austin gave Finn a chance to apologize and maybe, just maybe, move toward reconcile, Finn the coward slapped it down like day o
ld meat.

  Finn was inexperienced in relationships, and that included everything that came with them. For Finn, in that moment, pain and suffering was what relationships brought. The only reason he had gone out that night and done what he had done, was because he’d had to do something to distract from the hurt. Austin not calling him. His mind running wild with images of what he was doing instead. Finn’s own jealousy. It was all too much.

  In the heat of the moment, Finn admitted that he wasn’t cut out for a relationship. And then he tried to end it. For some fucking reason.

  The thing was, he and Austin never officially broke up. Rather, they just stopped.

  After Finn left Austin’s house he went home and threw his phone across the apartment. He then left and didn’t return until the next night. When he did get home, he was almost relieved to see that Austin hadn’t tried to call him. And the next day, and the day after that.

  All of this was fine by Finn... or so he tried endlessly to convince himself. That first week he acted like nothing was amiss, and that what had happened was not only for the best, but a positive! It became apparent very quickly that Finn wasn’t fooling anyone.

  Finn had just kind of assumed that once he and Austin were over, everything would go back to the way it was. But that wasn’t the case at all! Gone was the desire to date. Gone was his raging libido that usually had him trying to stick his dick anywhere he could. Gone was his usual energy, passion and general enthusiasm for anything. Finn was a shell of the man he used to be.

  All the things that Finn had once thought were great about single life no longer appealed to him. And as he fell asleep each night, he came to realize that all he wanted was to be snuggled in close to Austin so that he could fall asleep to the rhythmic thumping of his heartbeat inside his chest. That was what he wanted. One-night stands had lost their appeal.

  Work began to suffer too. Finn just couldn’t get enthused. He stopped trying to pick up new clients and even stopped speaking to the ones he already had. The idea of someone else’s life being better than his hurt too much, so he just gave up. He had no idea what his future plan was, but it didn’t seem to matter. He simply did not care.