A Mother's Spirit

by Anne Bennett

  ‘I’ll go over with them, if one of you will mind the baby,’ Molly said.

  ‘My dear, you don’t have to ask,’ Aggie said. ‘Between us all, we will be fighting over her.’

  ‘You don’t have to come with us, Moll,’ Kevin said. ‘No one does. We ain’t babies and I’ll look after Ben.’

  ‘I want to see it as much as you do,’ Molly retorted, with a smile. ‘I’m reliving my childhood. And much too excited to stay in, so let’s go if we’re going, while Nuala is still sleeping.’

  When they had gone, the adults started reminiscing about the war years and Joe told them of his years in London in the blitz, and though he said not a word of the horrors he had seen as a volunteer firemen, he did mention the good friends he and Gloria had that never made it. Isobel, sitting close to Tom, gave a small gasp and he saw the sadness sweep over her face and knew that she was remembering too.

  No one else appeared to have noticed and when Tom saw her slip out of the back door he sidled up to Joe and said quietly, ‘Isobel has gone outside. Go out to her. She’ll be upset, I’m thinking.’

  ‘Then maybe she is best left alone,’ Joe said. ‘She’d hardly want to see me.’

  ‘Of course she’ll want to see you, man,’ Tom said impatiently. ‘You can comfort her as no one else can.’

  ‘What are you saying, Tom?’

  ‘I am saying that she is eating her heart out for you and I am surprised that you have not seen it yourself when it is so apparent to everyone else.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘But, Tom, I have nothing to offer her.’

  ‘You have yourself and you have your heart,’ Tom said. ‘I know Isobel too, remember, and I am pretty certain that that will more than satisfy her.’

  ‘I can’t even offer her marriage yet.’

  ‘I know that and so does she,’ Tom said. ‘And I think after this war the world will be changed for good. But I cannot speak for Isobel, so go out and talk to her, for God’s sake, and give her some comfort for it is what she needs.’

  Isobel was no longer crying, but she had been. Her eyes were still brimful and the sight of her distress tore at Joe’s heart. He gathered her into his arms for the very first time, wondering, even as he did so, if she might object to such familiarity. However, far from objecting, Isobel sighed and snuggled into Joe as if it was her rightful place to be, and Joe held her tenderly. When he felt the beat of her heart against his chest he felt as if he was exploding with love.

  The power of it took him by surprise and when her saddened eyes met his, he bent his head and touched her lips gently. And then Isobel was kissing him back with all she had in her. There was such beauty and tenderness in that first kiss, and when they broke away reluctantly in the end, Joe wanted more.

  However, he recognised that they needed to talk about the shadows in their lives.

  ‘Let’s walk a little,’ he said, as he put his arm around her shoulders. ‘I suppose it was my reminiscences that caused you so much pain, and I am sorry for that.’

  Isobel shook his head. ‘It wasn’t just you. It was the day and everything. I knew I would find it difficult. I mean I had come to the realisation that I will always miss Gregory and Gerald, and that they will always occupy a corner of my heart.’

  ‘That’s perfectly understandable,’ Joe said.

  ‘I was coping with that,’ Isobel said. ‘And then suddenly, as you were speaking, the events of that terrible day when I received the telegram came flooding back. I was holding the telegram in my hands and trying to cope with the anguish and desolation that I would never see my son again. Gerald had followed me into the hall, and even if I had been able – for I was beyond speech then – there was no way I could have prepared him for the stark words telling us that our beloved son was dead and gone. I watched the blood drain from Gerald’s face and then he sort of folded up at my feet.’

  ‘Heart attack?’

  Isobel nodded.

  Joe said, ‘My father died of a heart attack after a telegram.’

  ‘Tom said something about that,’ Isobel said. ‘But Gerald didn’t die, not then, though he was no good after it. He somehow just faded away. The doctor said he had lost the will to live.’

  ‘Did you love him very much?’

  ‘If I am truthful, when I married him, I didn’t love him at all,’ Isobel said. ‘Our parents had been friends for years and we had known each other from childhood, and it was sort of expected that we would marry. In those days young people, especially young women, usually did what was expected of them, and anyway, I liked Gerald well enough. I leaned to love him, though, because he was a kind and considerate man, and when Gregory was born he was the most marvellous father and I loved him even more because of that. When I see the relationship you have with Ben and the love you have for one another, it brings it all back. It’s beautiful to see. Did you love your wife?’

  ‘I did,’ Joe said. ‘I loved her very much. She was only fourteen when I met her first and she grew up before my eyes and propositioned me. I would never have had the nerve to do it, because I was so much older, and employed by her father, of course. But the love between us died a long time before she left me.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Oh, there was a variety of reasons,’ Joe said. ‘We became two different people wanting different things from life and I know that really she was homesick for America. She left it because she had to, you see, not because she wanted to, and though she did her best she had this hankering for the land she was born and reared in.’

  ‘I can understand that,’ Isobel said. ‘If you have made the decision to go, it has got to make a difference to your attitude.’

  ‘I suppose … And then it got even worse in Ireland because she was so lonely and so isolated, and I did not support her enough. Then there was the pledge I made to Tom. I suppose you heard about that.’

  ‘Yes. Tom said that he asked you to give him a year to decide whether he wanted to go back to farming or sell up altogether and move here.’

  ‘And I agreed to that without even talking it over with Gloria,’ Joe said. ‘I was a much better brother than I was a husband at that time, I see it now. And when she took the job at the American camp I used to moan at her a lot of the time. I didn’t want her working there, or anywhere else either, but money was tight and it made me feel a failure that I couldn’t provide properly for my family. Instead of talking these things over with Gloria, I would moan as if it was her fault. Gloria ran out on me and it did knock me for six at the time, but there were faults on both sides and I have to take some of the blame for the way she behaved.’

  ‘And me, Joe?’ Isobel said. ‘What do you think of me?’

  ‘I think,’ began Joe and then he said, ‘No, I don’t think at all. I know now that I love you truly.’

  ‘And I love you too, Joe,’ Isobel said. ‘I told you that in time I came to love Gerald, but not the way I love you. I have never felt this way before.’

  ‘Oh, darling,’ Joe said, pulling her to a stop. ‘I love you so much.’

  Their second kiss was as magical as the first had been, and after it Joe had to bite back a groan of desire.

  ‘What are we to do?’ Isobel asked.

  ‘What can we do?’ Joe said. ‘I have little to offer you. Gloria and I have to be apart at least three years before the divorce is even considered, Gloria told me in the last letter she sent.’

  ‘Well, we more or less knew that anyway,’ Isobel said. ‘Let us take one day at a time and see what comes of it.’

  ‘Yes,’ Joe said. ‘That is the best solution and now I suppose we must tell them all inside. Tom said they have been aware of how we feel about one another for some time.’

  ‘Really?’ Isobel pulled away from Joe and looked into his face. ‘How? We had not even admitted it to one another until now.’

  Joe shrugged. ‘Maybe they are more astute than we give them credit for. That’s what Tom said, anyway. They are al
l for it anyway, I think.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad,’ Isobel said. ‘Really, though, it’s Ben’s reaction I am bothered about most.’

  ‘Ben? Why worry about him?’ Joe said. ‘He loves you almost as I do.’

  ‘Yes, while he thought I was just a friend.’

  ‘Believe me, my darling girl, Ben will be the least of our worries.’

  ‘I am no girl, Joe,’ Isobel chided.

  ‘You are to me,’ Joe insisted. ‘My own darling girl who I love dearly, and I must kiss you one more time before I share you with the others.’

  The family were all pleased with Joe and Isobel’s news, and Ben took it all in his stride, even the fact that they wouldn’t be able to be married straight away until the divorce came through. Even then, he knew that they couldn’t be married in a Catholic church, because divorce wasn’t recognised, but then neither could his mother so he supposed that that was sort of fair in a way.

  For Ben, life changed for the better. Isobel was around more, they went out together more, and sometimes he and his father went to Isobel’s bungalow on Walmley Road on a Sunday, when she always cooked them a lovely dinner. Ben loved that bungalow. It was set back from the road behind tall privet hedges and so the gardens all around it were really private and you felt that you could be miles from anywhere.

  When they went to Isobel’s Ben often met Kevin and some of his mates to play football in Pype Hayes Park in the afternoon. They were always glad to see Ben because he had a genuine leather football, which his mother had sent to him from America for his eleventh birthday. He had had a bit of a funny feeling when he opened up the parcel and saw the ball.

  For a moment he remembered the Christmas party where he had been given a ball, and the gift had been spoiled for him because he had seen his mother kissing one of the sailors from the camp. Now, looking back on it, a kiss didn’t seem half as bad as what she had done later, and he’d had to learn to accept that in time. Anyway, a ball was still a ball, and the finest one he had ever seen. It made him a very popular boy indeed and secured him a place in any game going.

  His mother had also bought him a shiny brown satchel for grammar school and it hung on the back of his door. Every day when Ben saw it he felt a thrill of pride. Sometimes, though, he would have a shiver of fear that he might have failed the second part of the exam, which had been harder than the first. He really wanted to pass, not only for himself but to make his parents proud of him, and he knew that he would know soon because the results would be out the week after the school closed for the summer.

  Kevin left school for good that July and was anxious to start working life straight away, but Molly insisted he had some time off first. ‘Once you start you will be working until you’re sixty-five and, believe me, the novelty will soon wear off. Spend some time with Ben. Try and take his mind off those results that will be out any day now.’

  Kevin didn’t mind that at all because he was really fond of his young cousin and they went into the city centre one day to look at the bomb damage, which was considerable. The Bull Ring was still there, but not quite the same, and the shops still had little in them.

  ‘I suppose it will take time to get back to normal, like Paul said on VE Day,’ Kevin told Ben.

  ‘Bound to. I reckon it will take years to get it back the way it was.’

  ‘Molly said that it will never be the same again,’ Kevin said. ‘She said the world will have changed and moved on, and there is really no point in looking back to the way things were.’

  ‘I suppose not.’

  ‘She can’t wait for the war to be over properly and for Mark to be home again,’ Kevin said. ‘Because until the Japanese cave in, as far as the RAF are concerned, the war is not over.’

  ‘Well, there is no sign of that,’ Ben said. ‘Dad said it could go on for years yet.’

  ‘God, I hope not.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘Come on,’ Kevin said. ‘Let’s go home and go up the park. There is nothing to see here.’

  ‘All right,’ Ben said. ‘And I haven’t got to be home till about half five. Aunt Izzy is coming round to cook the dinner, but that’s about the time Dad’s home.’

  ‘Come on then,’ Kevin said. ‘That’s ages yet and Molly’s given me some money for chips for both of us.’

  ‘Oh boy, that’s even better news.’

  Ben got home that evening before his father, and Isobel came out from the kitchen when she heard the door. ‘There’s a letter for your father from the Education Department,’ she said. ‘I’ve put it behind the clock.’

  ‘Is it the results, d’you think?’

  ‘Can’t think of any other reason they’d be writing to him, can you?’

  Ben shook his head. He felt as if a large stone had lodged itself in his stomach and he looked at Isobel with eyes full of foreboding. ‘What if I haven’t passed?’

  ‘You probably have,’ Isobel said. ‘You have certainly worked hard enough. But if you haven’t it won’t be the end of the world, will it? I mean, the world won’t stop spinning on its axis or anything.’

  ‘I want Mom and Dad to be proud of me.’

  Isobel held Ben’s shoulders gently as she said, ‘They are proud of you, Ben. A child does not have to do something to make their parents proud, and that won’t change if you have failed your eleven plus.’

  For all her encouraging words, though, Isobel hoped that Ben had passed, not for her own sake, but because it mattered so much to him. She was as anxious to hear Joe’s key in the door as Ben was, but she hid it better.

  Eventually, though, he was there, and strode across the room, took the letter from behind the clock and split it open straight away. Ben’s eyes were full of trepidation as he watched his father scanning the sheet of paper he had withdrawn from the envelope. Then Joe threw down the paper and lifted Ben high in the air. ‘You’ve done it, you clever, clever boy,’ he cried. ‘You have passed.’

  All through the meal, Ben felt as if he was floating on air. He knew he had pleased his father because he couldn’t stop going on about it, and even Isobel had hugged him tight and told him how proud she was too, and he felt warmed by their so obvious happiness at his achievement. It didn’t matter a jot that he hadn’t got his first choice of St Philip’s and that he would be going to Bishop Vesey, and Joe was relieved that he wouldn’t be facing such a long journey morning and evening.

  After the meal, Ben said, ‘I will write to Mom now, if you don’t mind. I want to do it when I am really excited so she might be able to feel it a bit.’

  ‘I don’t mind in the least,’ Joe said. ‘I have to go home with Isobel anyway.’

  ‘You don’t, Joe,’ Isobel said.

  ‘Oh yes I do,’ Joe contradicted. ‘So no argument.’

  It was as they were going to the bus stop, arm in arm, that Joe suddenly said, ‘I can’t believe it. My boy going to grammar school.’

  ‘He deserved it,’ Isobel said. ‘He worked hard.’

  ‘Yeah, he did,’ Joe agreed. ‘I’ve saved all my clothing coupons and most of his to get him fitted out with the uniform.’

  ‘They’ll likely have sales at the school,’ Isobel said. ‘They’ll know the situation as well as the rest of us.’

  ‘I’d not want him to start in second-hand clothes,’ Joe said rather stiffly.

  ‘Will you listen to yourself?’ Isobel said. ‘Surely it’s the quality of education that is important, not the clothes. Anyway, Kevin wore a uniform of sorts, though not as stringent as that of a grammar school, and every night he had to take it off and hang it up. His uniform was always the better-looking of his clothes. He always grew out of them before they were worn out though sometimes the trousers took a bit of a pasting. Anyway, Ben will need other clothes as well as his uniform, so how are you going to get those if you have used up his supply of coupons?’

  ‘I don’t know anything about all this,’ Joe admitted. ‘Will you give me a hand when the time comes?’

  ‘Of
course I will,’ Isobel said. ‘And here is the bus at last.’

  Unless the weather was very cold or wet, they got off the tram at the edge of Pype Hayes Park and walked across, then skirted the golf course. It was their chance to be together, because they had already decided that there would be no canoodling in front of Ben.

  They walked hand in hand through the park that warm and balmy evening and suddenly Isobel sighed and said, ‘I am so happy, Joe, but I wish the war would end totally very soon. Molly is concerned about Mark and I don’t blame her. After all, it is the first of August on Wednesday.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know what they would have to do to Japan to force surrender,’ Joe said.

  Only a few days later, on 6 August, the Americans dropped an atomic bomb on the city of Hiroshima, killing an estimated seventy-eight thousand people. It sent shock waves all around the world. It was hard even to visualise so many killed by one bomb.

  Everyone expected Japan to surrender, but when there was no response, another bomb was released over Nagasaki on 9 August and it was estimated that that one killed thirty-five thousand.

  Now surely Japan would bend to the inevitable. No country could just stand by and see so many of its people killed. As Isobel said, ‘We have made and released a devouring monster and it could be justified only if it brought a speedy end to the war that had already claimed so many young lives.’

  But it didn’t. The world looked on in disbelief as there was still no response from Japan, and so on 13 August, Allied aircraft launched a huge attack on Tokyo, and Japan surrendered the next day.

  ‘The war is finally over, but at what cost to the Japanese people?’ Isobel said a few days later scrutinising the newspaper.

  ‘We can do nothing about the decisions governments make,’ Joe said.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘And the Japanese were the aggressors.’

  ‘I know that too,’ Isobel said. ‘Don’t mind me. I am totally out of sorts today.’