Sin

by Torrie Robles

  "Why wouldn't you? Louie's obsession with her is what made him look Sienna's way. Maybe if Mom had given in, then things would have been different. Did you ever think of that?"

  "That doesn't make sense, Devin. If Mom made different choices, then none of this would matter. You and I and whatever this club is going through wouldn’t matter because chances are, there would be no you and me."

  "Exactly. What I’m saying is that we can't talk about the what-ifs in life. You can’t keep playing that shit in your head, Matt. You can’t think about how it would be if the club didn’t exist because it does and that’s the reality of this all. The club didn't kill our sister, a twisted man did."

  "Are you tired of keeping Lily a secret?"

  "What the hell does Lily have to do with the fact that you put this club in danger because you can't admit to the fact that you fucked up by bringing her here."

  "She's pregnant, Devin. How am I supposed to send her back, or send her anywhere knowing that he has the power to find her? How can I live with myself knowing that I sent her back to harm’s way?"

  "Sienna was not in an abusive relationship, Matthew. That's something that you need to understand. She wasn't killed by her boyfriend; she was murdered by an asshole that had a fantasy about having the daughter of the woman who got away."

  "This isn't about Sienna; this is about me and doing the right thing. Look Cut, I'll leave. I'll take Savannah and we'll go, lay low. I'll go so the club can resume its business and not have to worry about the backlash from the Mexicans or whatever else Redding tries to throw our way. If you don't want her here, then that's the only option I'm willing to discuss."

  "Matthew, you've always done what's right." I look up to my brother. How can he think I've always done right? "Mom and Dad never had to worry about you, and because you were you, they never had to worry about Sienna. They always knew you had her, you were there for her. That left them more time to deal with my shit, and we both know I gave them a lot. I wasn't easy; I never thought to do the right thing. I never thought it mattered, but you; you've always done the right thing. Always."

  "I don't agree with you on the always part."

  "That's another thing you need to work out, Sin. You need to stop regretting the decisions you've made in life, man. You need to stop thinking you made a bad choice by leaving home when you graduated. You need to stop thinking you let your men down when you were in the desert and most of all; you need to stop blaming yourself for the shit that happened to Dad and Sienna." I didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say. "Pack up her shit and bring her over here. I don't want any more shit happening over at Mom's."

  "Thank you." I nod and turn to leave.

  "Sin." Leaving my hand on the knob, I glance back at my brother. "She's lucky to have found you."

  "It's not like that."

  He laughs and shakes his head. "It never is."

  "Is everything okay?" I ask Hawk as soon as Sin leaves, shutting the door to the house.

  "No." He walks to the kitchen and pulls a beer and water from the fridge. "Here." He passes me the water. "So you're pregnant, huh?" He takes a sip of the beer.

  "Yeah."

  "Any clue on what you're going to do?"

  I shake my head. "What's going on Hawk?"

  "It's club business, Savannah—"

  I've heard that a lot from Hawk over the past couple of weeks that I've been there. When I asked what Sin was doing, he'd tell me club business. When I asked where the guys were taking off to when I heard the roar of the engines, he'd reply club business. Over the past few weeks, I'd come to realize they were a close-knit group. Loyalty meant everything to them. They didn't like outsiders. The club takes their safety seriously and after from what I heard from both Lily, and Bianca, I understand why. An outsider can bring danger. They don't allow you to get close until you prove to them that they can trust you. It's not innocent until proven guilty with the club; it's guilty until proven trusted.

  "I'm not stupid; I know it's about me, so I have the right to know."

  "Cut will make that decision."

  "Is this how it always is? Cut makes the decisions, Cut makes the rules, and Cut says jump and all you guys ask how high?"

  "It's the way of club life; it's what makes us safe. It's what's going to make you safe."

  "I don't see it like that."

  "Why did you run? Why didn't you just go to your parents? Why didn't you just go to them and tell them what was happening? Why did you take off?"

  "I don't know. I finally had enough, I guess. The night before I left, Tyson went after me. I already had bruises on my face, my body already hurt from fighting him off. He proposed in front of the entire town. He made me feel like a possession. It shouldn't have surprised me, since that's how I've always felt around him. A thing, something to have to knock around, but never to love. When we got home, he flipped out and hit me, choked me. I knew I was pregnant; I knew nothing was going to change once he knew about the baby. The next morning, I guess it was the last straw. I realized I needed to leave because it's not just about me anymore. There's something more important than my life. I needed to get away. No, I had to get away."

  "Sin isn't going to walk away from you. He's not made that way. It isn't in him to give up on someone and because of that, he's going to fight to keep you safe. Even if that means that he's going to go against the club."

  "I don't want that, Hawk. I don't want to be any trouble. I know the club doesn't want me here."

  "You're a complication."

  "I didn’t choose to be here, Sin made that choice for me."

  "Yeah, Savannah, he did. But it's been your choice this entire time to stay. It's been your choice to call your parents and go home to them and you haven't. It's been your choice to continue to make it the club's problem. This problem of yours is larger than you think. There’s more to it than you wanting away from an abusive boyfriend. Sin isn't just one man. He's a member of a club; we're a brotherhood, a family. It will never be just him. But, because of who he is, he's going to put you before the club and that's a problem."

  "He makes me feel safe."

  "I understand that, but maybe that's not his job—"

  "You can leave now." I look up and see Sin standing there. From the look on his face, I'm sure he's been there long enough to hear what Hawk had to say to me.

  "Sin."

  "Hawk, I swear to God, you need to get out of my face. The club doesn't need us at each other throats and I'm an inch away from losing my shit. I don't need to deal with your mouth on top of everything else."

  "Sin, Hawk is just telling the truth. You can't be mad."

  He cut those steely blue eyes towards me. "Sure as shit, I can. He needs to keep his mouth shut. He's always got some shit to say."

  "You never have a problem when my mouth is defending you."

  "I've never asked that of you."

  "You didn’t have to, Sin. That's what brothers are for."

  "You didn't sound like my brother just now."

  "Fuck this shit.” Hawk turns and leaves the house.

  I've had to put up with Hawk's big mouth my entire life. It's never been a big deal, so what if I’d had to beat a few asses because of it. But this time—this time, I wanted to beat his ass because of it. I didn't need him filling Savannah's head with those thoughts. I didn't need her thinking that she's a problem, and I certainly didn't need her thinking that it would better if she left. His mouth has put way too much doubt in her head. She's not going to want to be the one who causes me problems, and now, she knows the club is anything but happy that she's still around. I was hoping since there hasn't been any heat these past couple of weeks that she'd be okay here.

  “Maybe it’s best if I go.” She turns and walks out of the room, away from me. Fucking Hawk.

  “Savannah, don’t.” My words make her stop her departure.

  “You know he’s right...I’ve only been here a little over two weeks and all I’ve done is cause a
rift with your brother and the club. I’ve tried to stay out of the way. I’ve stayed in the house, away from everyone else so I can be out of the way. I keep to myself when I’m at the shop, keeping my head down. I thought if I stayed quiet everything would be okay, but it didn’t work.”

  “It’s fine. Everything is fine.”

  “It not!” She yells, stomping her foot like a child. “God, it’s so far from fine.” She tips her head back, taking a deep breath, blowing it out in frustration. When she looks at me, I can see the tears start to well in her blue eyes. “I’m pregnant, homeless, and staying where I’m not wanted–”

  “Stop, don’t say that.” I cross to her and grab her hands. I need her to know that she’s where she needs to be. “You’re fine where you are. Here, you’re fine and you’re not going anywhere, Savannah.”

  “I’m sorry I did this. I’m sorry that I caused all this to happen. I know something’s going on. I know even though Hawk wouldn’t tell me. He’s right you know, even with barely knowing you, he’s right. You’ll do what you need to do to help me. I can’t let that happen, Sin.” She tugs her hands from mine and walks away from me again.

  Before I can think, I grab her hand, stopping her. I gather her close to me and kiss the top of her head. Her arms come around my body as I pull her closer. She starts to shake as she cries.

  “Shh, Savannah,” I run my hand down her hair, soothing her. “Hush, sugar.” It’s been years since I’ve held and tried to console a woman, to ease her tears. Other than my mother, the last person who I felt the need to protect was Sienna. Another comparison between the two that doesn’t go unnoticed and I’m sure everyone else. I don’t rush this. I know she needs to feel protected, safe. I don’t tense while I hold her or when she runs her hands up and down my back. I don’t worry that she can feel what’s underneath my shirt, that she’ll ask questions. That she’ll want to know more about than she already does. I need her to know that I’m there, that she isn’t alone and that her life and the life of her baby will be everything she wants it to be. “You called me Matthew.” I say into her hair.

  She pulls back, looking up at me. “What?”

  “Outside, you called me Matthew. You’ve never used my given name. It’s always been Sin to you. Never Matthew.”

  “Really? I didn’t realize I said that. I’m sorry.”

  I pull her back to me and give her a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t be, sugar. I liked it. Only two women have called me by that name in my adult life and both of those women mean the world to me.” I continue to rub her back. “This life that I live is a hard one. I forget that I’m more than just a club member. My mom tries, but I don’t think twice about it because she’s my mother and she will always try. But you, Savannah, you make me want to be more than the biker, something other than Sin; you make me want to be Matthew Sinclair. As terrifying as it is, the need to be that man you see is even greater.”

  Her body relaxes into mine. Her cries stop; her sniffling calms. I pull away so I can look at her. Her newly colored hair is wet with tears and stuck to the side of her face. Her nose is pink, and her cheeks splotched red. The clarity of her eyes shines from tears. The color is vibrant, unlike my cold blue; hers are bright, electric blue with flecks of navy. They say the way to one’s soul is through their eyes. And I can tell Savannah’s soul, by just looking into her pools of liquid sapphires, is far too precious to be tainted by the likes of me.

  She bites her lip as she searches my face. There is uncertainty and conflict still present as she studies me. I brush the bangs from her eyes as she blinks. I cup her face with my hands. There’s such a strong urge for me to take her lips in mine. To wipe away any doubt she has in her mind, but I know that’s the last thing she needs.

  “You are where you’re supposed to be, Savannah. Believe me when I tell you that.” I move her bangs from her eyes again and press my lips to her forehead as her hands grip my forearms. “Now,” I tell her, breaking out connection. “Go get whatever you have in the office, you’re moving into the clubhouse with me.”

  She looks at me in confusion. “What?”

  I laugh a little. “You’re moving into the clubhouse. You should have been there all along but Cut wasn’t being reasonable, but now he is.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s better this way.”

  “Why? Why now?”

  “It’s safer for everyone, come on.”

  She takes a step back from me, “What do you mean it’s safer for everyone?” Her eyes dart back and forth around the hall and I know she is starting to panic.

  “Matt?” She questions me.

  “Listen, I just want you there. It’s secure, the gate, its better.” I run my hand through my hair. “I don’t like you sleeping on the pull out, okay?” I’m hoping she’ll buy that lie.

  “Yo, Sin, you here?” Lick’s voice comes barreling into my mother’s house as he walks through the front door. “Why the fuck is the front door unlocked when we got shit going down?” Savannah gasps as she takes in his words. Shit.

  “What does he mean?” She asks.

  “What I mean,” Lick answers before I get a chance. He enters the hallway where we’re standing. “Is that your boyfriend has called in some favors in regards to you–”

  “Shut the fuck up, man. She doesn’t need to know any of that. It’s not important.”

  “Not important?” Savannah questions from behind me. She put her hand on my arm to push me out of the way, as she steps around me. “What’s going on?

  “Your boy Redding is asking for help to retrieve what’s his. Making you the number one pain in my ass.”

  Tylan Lick McCoy is a mean looking son of a bitch. He’s tall, with more muscle then he knows what to do with. He learned early on to lift iron as a way to work out his anger and frustrations. He’s been around for as long as I can remember. It seemed that he just showed up one day and never left. I know his home life was shit as a kid. From the time, he was a teenager he’s been around. The club was always a way for him to escape the trials life gave him. From what I remember, his sister was around my age, but she took off before she was fourteen and hadn’t been heard from since. His mother OD’d years ago and his old man is serving life for murder.

  “Seriously, Lick, you need to keep your trap shut.”

  “What’s going on, Sin? I need the truth.”

  “Here’s the truth, sweet cheeks.” Lick ignores me, keeping his eyes trained on Savannah. “You being here is causing one hell of a shit storm to brew. But your boy, Sin, he’s made his claim on you. Now Devil’s Fury takes care of their own and we're about to ride that storm. Matthew here has always had a heart of gold; he’s always taking in strays off the street. It looks like you’re the newest pet to the Devil’s Fury compound.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “Nothing.” I state.

  “It means that people are going to be busting down our walls trying to get to you and now I’m taking up residence here in order to protect Bianca while you move your ass to the compound.”

  Jesus. I’m nothing but trouble. Since the day I was born, I’ve been nothing but a problem. “No.” I state and they both look at me. “That won’t be necessary, I’m going to call my parents and go back to Texas. That’s what I should have done in the first place.”

  “That’s not happening.” Sin states.

  “Let her go, man. You know that’s the easiest solution.”

  “No.”

  “Yeah, man, it is.”

  “Just leave, Lick. My mom isn’t even here. She’s at the clubhouse, so stop stirring up your shit and get out.”

  “Stop it!” I say a little louder than I should. “What is it with you?” I ask Sin.

  “What?”

  I turn to Lick, “Can you please give a minute?” He glares at me without moving to leave us alone. It’s obvious I’m not Lick’s favorite person. He seemed to dislike me before even getting a chance to know me. He doesn’t say anything after
a few moments; he just turns to leave. I take the opportunity to head to the office where I’ve been sleeping and gather the little things I’ve accumulated since I got here.

  “Savannah, why are you so hell bent on leaving here?”

  I face him. “Why are you so hell bent on me staying?” He doesn’t answer me; he simply stares, holding me hostage with his eyes. I’m not going to deny the fact that it hurts a little that he won’t tell me why. “Don’t you get it, Sin? This isn’t just about me. I left Tyson because it isn’t just about me anymore.” I start to toss the little clothes I have into the bag Bianca gave me my first day here. “I haven’t even made an attempt to see the doctor to make sure the baby is fine. I’ve been too afraid to come to terms with what my future might be. Those dreams that I’ve told you I have, yeah, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to accomplish any of them. I’m three months along. From what I figure, on my own, because again, I’m too afraid to get checked out. I’m a third of the way through this pregnancy and I’m even more scared than I was when I took the tests. Shouldn’t most women be excited, ecstatic of the thought of bringing a life into this world? Because right now, I’m scared shitless. Jesus Sin, your mother is thinking more about this baby, than I am. What kind of mother does that make me, huh?”

  “Sugar, you’ve been through a lot of hell these past few years. Taking time to get you back isn’t a bad thing.”

  “Well, I really don’t have the luxury of time. I have less than six months to figure out what I’m going to do, and I can’t be making those decisions here. This isn’t the place for me. I should have gone straight to my parents and never tried to run like I did.”

  “Do you really believe that? Because I’m sure if you would’ve gone to your parents your ass would already be back under Redding’s thumb. You need distance, Savannah and you need protection. That’s what I’m offering.” I stop to look at him. He gives me a small smile, trying to reassure me.