Sin

by Torrie Robles

  He’s right, we both know it. If I would have left Tyson’s house and headed to my parents, there is a strong possibility that I would have been back under Tyson’s roof and his abuse sooner rather than later. I would have given into him and tried to make my parents happy and safe. There's good chance I wouldn’t have even told my parents the reason why I'd left. Pride is a dangerous thing.

  “You?”

  “We, that’s what we’re offering.”

  “So your brother’s okay with this? He’s okay with me staying.” He nods. That little gesture isn’t reassuring. “I want to talk to Cut.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “Yes, I do. I need to talk with him. I need to hear it from him.”

  “I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  “You wouldn’t send me out in harm’s way either and I think your need to protect me outweighs your need to be honest.”

  “Okay. Pack your shit up and you can talk to him.”

  When I was eight years old, my parents told me that I was adopted. That my mother was a drug addict and I had been taken away from her by the state. My birthmother didn’t have the option to clean up her act and be the mother she should have been. Her history with drugs and a string of unplanned pregnancies had the state intervening. I’m sure if there were a law, my birthmother would have been sterilized long before I came along. Does that mess with a child’s head? Knowing that your mother didn’t love you enough to fight for you, to fight her addiction for the love of her child? It does. As a child, I strived to be the best daughter to my parents and I worked my butt off to be the best student. I felt that I needed to make my parent’s life easier since they did me the favor of adopting me. I didn’t want to let them down as I felt my birthmother had let me down.

  My parents had little information about my mother. Since I was considered a drug dependent baby, the adoption agency had a legal obligation to tell my parents about my mother’s addiction. All they knew was that she was a heroin addict and I was not her first pregnancy. The fact that the drugs she used during her pregnancy never affected me physically or mentally. I was lucky. I never had the desire to look for her or find any other information. With it being a closed adoption, and having the state involved, the likelihood of me finding anything out was slim to none.

  I’m not about to try to understand the love between brothers or the unconditional love you have for a sibling. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an only child. I know Cut’s protective nature is because he loves his brother and he loves his club. This is his family, and I’m an outsider. We’ve already established that fact. But I wonder why he’s changed his mind? Why has he gone from wanting me out to wanting me close?

  “He’s just going to confirm what I already told you.” Sin walks with me from his mother’s house to the clubhouse. He wouldn’t allow me to carry what little I had with me. He keeps me on his side, opposite of the street. His eyes are peeled and he’s constantly looking around, making sure his surroundings are clear. Watching Sin and how he’s acting is making me nervous. He can’t act that way and then tells me there’s nothing to worry about. I know Tyson’s is making trouble, but what I don’t understand, how can an executive at his family’s company ‘pull in favors’ as Lick explained? What favors? Who can he call? I’ve not been kidnapped, haven’t been kept against my will. I left on my own, so who is there to call to get me back?

  “It will make me feel better if I hear it from him.” We continue to walk through the grass lot that separates Bianca’s house from the clubhouse. Behind the fences and barbwire, the entire Devil’s Fury compound sits secure. The clubhouse is a huge cinderblock building is painted in gray and black. There's a motorcycle mural painted on the walls. Huge pictures of bikes and bikers, all artfully done in what looks like spray paint. The club’s name shines brightly overhead. Fury, the garage they run is just on the other side of the fence, open to the public. The driveway is long since the building sits back from the street. “Why didn’t we go through the side fence closer to your mom’s?”

  “It’s locked. The only way in or out is from the front.” He glances at me. “It’s safer that way.” I feel the nerves start to come alive in my stomach. My mouth waters, and I think I’m about to be sick.

  “I’m going to be sick.” Before I take another step I lean over, spilling everything I’ve eaten today. My legs become weak and I start to fall before Sin brings his arms around me and holds me up. He gathers my hair out of my face, keeping it securely on my back. Once there isn’t anything left in my stomach, I start to feel better.

  “Sugar, are you okay?”

  I gaze up, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I nod my head.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I think it’s just nerves.”

  “Are you sure, you don’t think there’s anything wrong, do you?” I continue to look at him. “With the baby. Have you been sick in the morning or anything?”

  “It’s just starting. The past week or so it hits me in the morning. After I eat. I try to rest to keep my food down. It doesn’t always work.”

  “I think you need to get checked out. I thought morning sickness is supposed to come on earlier.”

  I agree with him; I need to find a doctor. It’s time I come to terms with my life and make sure everything is going how it should. “Yeah, I know. I need to find a doctor.”

  “You have a doctor. I’ll get in touch with Doc. He’ll look after you.”

  “Is he even a baby doctor?”

  “No, but I’m sure he knows what he’s doing. I feel more comfortable with him looking at you first. It’s safer that way.” There’s that word again, safer. “Listen, if he thinks that you need a specialist then I’ll have him research and find you one. But Doc, he’s loyal and he understands club life. There are always people out there who are willing to hurt others for the right price. I’m not willing to even entertain the idea of you being in danger.” I nod in agreement. “Let’s go through the side.” Taking my hand in his, he leads me around the side.

  *****

  When we step through the side door of the building, I instantly hear loud voices and female laughter. “It’s always like this on Friday nights.” Well, that’s understandable, but it’s actually Friday afternoon, still a couple of hours before its considered night. We head down a dark hallway and stop in front of a set of double doors. This is slightly familiar; I think it’s where we were the last time I was here. “Cut’s in the Jury room.”

  “What, he doesn’t enjoy the festivities of Friday nights?” I ask sarcastically.

  “You’ve met his wife. Lily may be tiny, but she would kick his ass if he were to participate in the festivities.” Before Sin is able to open the door, it flies open.

  “It’s not fear that keeps me from participating, it’s love.” Cut says standing there, big and brooding. His steely eyes take me in and for the first time since I’ve met him, he doesn’t look like he wants me dead.

  “Savannah wants to talk you.” Cut steps back, allowing us to enter.

  “Alone.” I clarify, turning around to face Sin. “Please, Matthew.” His eyes portray his uncertainty, as he studies Cut, trying to gauge his mood. What he sees must convince him as he nods to us then leaves.

  “Matthew?” Cut questions me. “There have only been two women who used that name for my brother and both of them were blood. Why do you feel you have the right to call him by it?”

  “Because he told me he likes it. Because maybe your brother is changing and coming to terms with the fact that he’s more than just Sin.” He smirks, nodding his head for me to take a seat. “Is it okay if I sit here?” I look around and the only option I have is to sit at the table.

  “Yes.” He takes a seat as well.

  “So what gives?” I ask as I cross my arms over my chest.

  “I don’t understand?”

  “Well, a few weeks ago you eyeballed like you wanted me dead and then I see nothing of you, I hear nothing from you. When
you see me in the shop, you turn the other way. When you come to see your mother, you ignore me. And now, you don’t seem like you want to inflict harm on me, you offer me to stay within your precious clubhouse walls, so what gives?”

  He chuckles. “Are you sure you come from an abusive relationship? Because you seem a little lippy to have spent the last four years of your life being smacked around.”

  “Lippy?” The word doesn’t sit well with me.

  “Yeah, lippy, you like to run your mouth.”

  “Oh, you mean outspoken? It’s who I am. Well, who I was but haven’t been able to be for a long time now.”

  “And now you feel like you can be outspoken?” I don’t reply. I’m certain he knows my answer. “I never wanted you dead, Savannah. I’m just a cautious person. I don't trust easily.”

  “I get that.”

  “You’re not one of us. You came in here like Sin’s shiny new toy and some of us can become distracted by things that shine. I can’t and won't allow my brother or my club to get distracted because when that happens, people die…”

  “I don’t want that either.”

  “Lily has a high opinion of you.”

  “She’s nice. I like her.”

  “My mother likes you, too. Says nothing but good things.”

  “You’ve asked?” That surprises me.

  “I have. Do you think I’d allow you to stay with my mother and not ask how things are going?”

  “I guess not.”

  “You aren’t replacing Sienna.”

  My eyes snap to his. “I’m sorry?”

  “My mom told me you refuse to sleep in her room. I understand that. I’m sure you denied my mother’s request because you felt it was disrespectful to my sister, but I’m letting you know that it wouldn’t have been, but I appreciate that you thought that.” I stay silent. “Have you ever lost someone you loved, Savannah?”

  “No, not really. My mother’s parents passed when I was young, so I didn’t really know them. But other than that, no.”

  “There is no way that you can ever replace the one you’ve lost. It’s impossible. I’ll never be able to replace my father; I wouldn’t ever want to. The guys here, the ones who were around when my father led, they’re father figures, but they will never be my father. My sister, there was only one Sienna and no one will have the same spirit or same light in their eyes as my sister.”

  I’m not sure where he’s going with this. He’s either trying to tell me that he’s okay with me being here or that I’ll never be more. I’ll never be a sister figure to him, I’ll never be a daughter figure to his mother, but that’s fine because I don’t want that. I just want to feel safe, to get my life in order and live it, finally, live it. “Is that why you keep Lily hidden?” I’m not sure if I’m out of line by asking, but it doesn’t hurt.

  “There is only one Lily. One love and she’s it for me. I will do anything to keep that love safe. I’m not sure if you know this, but the marriage is new. Not even a year yet. When my father and sister were murdered, I was lost. Anger was the least of my issues. I was out of control with grief and I wanted nothing to do with anything that resembled love. Lily stayed by my side and she fought for me, she fought against me as well. She saw something I didn’t, something I wouldn’t allow myself to see or feel. That was unconditional love. I saw the love my parents had for each other and I saw that love destroy my mother. She was a shell of the woman who raised me and who kept me in line. I was a lot to handle as a child, but my mother had the strength to keep me in line. I don’t want to ever feel what my mother has experienced, the loss of the love of your life. When she lost her husband and daughter, she lost herself. Lily changed that for me. Years after their deaths, I finally allowed myself to want that love, and she was still there for me, waiting. I let anger take hold after their deaths and Sin, Sin shut down, emotionally dead. He lost himself in the grief. He’s become untouchable but he still has a good heart.”

  “Untouchable?”

  “Yeah, he blames himself for a lot of the wrongs that’s happened in his life. He blames my father and this club for others. He believes those he touches; he ends up losing, so he doesn’t allow himself to touch the lives of many. He believes love makes people vulnerable.” That explains a lot. Why he doesn’t feel that he’s worth the affections of others. “Matthew lost himself when he was injured. He blames himself for the death of his platoon. He believes he turned his back on those that needed him. But for those he saved, he’s a hero. He blames himself because he wasn’t able to save everyone when that IED went off and nearly blew him in two.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “I just want you to know. I want you to be here with a clear head and not one in the clouds about a man coming in and saving you. Sin will keep you physically safe, but your heart, well that will never be safe around him.”

  “Why, Cut?”

  “Savannah, his heart is dead. He doesn't have it in him. So, keep your heart to yourself. It's better off that way.”

  “Why allow me to stay then? Sin said you’re okay with me being here. If you’re not, Cut, just tell me. I’ll make do.”

  “I’m allowing it because three of the most important people in my life, want me to. Please don’t fuck it up.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Yes, but I may not answer.”

  “Why have me stay here? Sin said he doesn’t like the idea of me sleeping on the pull out.” I rub my hands down my flat stomach. “I know that’s not the reason.”

  He watches my hands as I continue the circular motions. “Because Redding is pulling out the big guns to get you and that baby back and Sin’s not willing to let that happen.”

  “What can Tyson possibly do other than try to throw his money around and be a pain in the ass?”

  “You’ve asked your last question, Savannah, for now, the rest is club business until I feel otherwise.”

  My legs bounce with nervous energy. My eyes glued to the entryway Savannah will be coming out of.

  “Dude, what’s your deal?” Hawk asks as he sits next to me on the barstool. He hands me bottled water while he chugs his beer. He smirks at me. The labret piercing in his lip matches the black of his hat that sits low on his eyes. He may ride a bike like no one’s business, but he will always be the club’s pretty boy.

  “Savannah’s in there talking to Cut.”

  “And?”

  “I don’t know what they’re talking about. This is Cut we’re talking about. Who knows what the hell is coming out of his mouth.”

  “Wow man.” He shakes his head at me.

  “What?”

  “You seem nervous, that’s all. I’ve never known you to be nervous; you’re acting like a chick.” He says laughing as he walks away.

  It’s not about being nervous. What’s there to be nervous about? Nothing. I just know that Cut can be difficult and I know that he would rather be talking to anyone other than Savannah. I don’t want him to make her cry or make her feel that she’s not welcome. I’m already having a hard time convincing her of that and we’re friends. I’m not sure what more they have to discuss other than him being okay with her staying here instead of our mom’s house.

  When he relented on having her come into the clubhouse rather than mom’s, I was so relieved. I was serious when I told him I would take Savannah and leave, find somewhere I could keep her and the baby safe. Fuck, a baby. I have to say, that shit came out of nowhere. I’m still pissed that she didn’t tell me. She had plenty of opportunities, but she didn’t confide in me. I understand why she left more so now. The baby was motivation enough for her to get out of her shitty situation, I wish she would’ve thought better of herself and left sooner though. I know she won’t be alone; she’ll have my mom, the club, the guys and me once everything settles.

  One day, when she’s ready, she’ll meet someone who can take care of her and the baby. My stomach drops at the thought of her finding someone to be there for her
in that capacity. She’s not been here long and I’m not ready for that to happen. She’s not ready for that to happen. She needs to concentrate on the baby and that’s it. I look around the room at my brothers. Each of them are good guys in their own right, but I wouldn't want Savannah to be with any of them. This isn’t the life that she needs, that I want for her. She can’t find her happiness on the back of a bike.

  I hear a gasp and glancing over, spot Savannah standing there. Her eyes are huge and her mouth’s open. I scan the room to see what’s so alarming. It’s Friday, the typical kickoff to the weekend. The Fallen are out in full force. Tight leather pants, skintight shorts, barely there tops and tits for days. Her eyes find me, and the color is just about gone from her face. My pulse quickens in fear that she’s going to be sick again. Maybe Cut upset her. I stride over and take her hands in mine.

  “Hey.” My voice is calm. I move my head trying to catch her eyes with mine while I rub my hands up and down her arms. “Are you okay? Are you going to be sick?” I cup her face in my hand. She finally looks at me.

  “No.” She chokes out.

  “What’s the matter?” There’s a few cat calls and hollers behind me which draws her attention.

  I follow her line of sight. There’s several of The Fallen dancing together, gyrating to the music. Their hands rub down each other bodies. Twist and Poppy pull themselves together, kissing. Their tongues duel, giving a great show for the guys in attendance. They’re The Fallen twins. Though they aren’t related, their bleach blond hair and emerald eyes are almost exact. Both tall and thin with fake tits and sun kissed skin. Those two are always up for anything and tonight it looks like they’re in the mood to give us a show.

  Hawk’s in the corner with Kimmy. His hands are down her shorts as she grinds on him. He watches in front of him as he bites her neck, sucking, and taking in the show on the dance floor. Bubba’s behind the bar watching the girls while Dyke, Lenny and Brass follow suit. We have a few visitors from neighboring charters stop by for the night so they’re getting in on the action The Fallen provides. A few of our friends who aren’t in the club are hanging out. Lenny’s old lady is on the floor taking part in the Twist and Poppy show. I always knew she was a little loose.